Friday, September 23, 2016

I Hope #BettyShelby Is Tried as a Shitty Cop, Not a WOMAN Cop

I did a lot of “wait-whating” this week. On Thursday afternoon, a Tulsa DA announced that prosecutors would charge Officer Betty Shelby with manslaughter for shooting and killing black unarmed Terence Crutcher on Monday.
Wait, what?
This happened within days, not weeks or months, of the incident. The Media® didn’t even waste time victim blaming Mr. Crutcher! In fact, with the exception of rumors of him being on PCP, most of the news about him was positive.
Wait, what?
I saw pictures of him singing in church and playing instruments and donning in really nice suits! He was turning his life around! He was going to school for music! He had a big, loving family! He looked like a big angel! Nary a mug shot to be found in The Media®. Meanwhile, all of the possible dirt to be found on Officer Shelby was dug up and brought to the surface.
Wait, WHAT?
With the exception of the presumably obligatory smiling officer yearbook picture, there was very little positive information about her past. In the past, she admitted to using drugs and had to take a drug education class…ok, well it was marijuana, but STILL! She was accused of using excessive force twice. She and her boyfriend filed restraining orders against each other because they went “Shaven Britney Spears” on each other’s cars. She wasn’t even on the Crutcher call; she and a partner were heading to a domestic violence call and just came upon Mr. Crutcher.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
All the coverage of this is like an updated version of Freaky Friday where the unarmed black man and the police officer switch places, so the officer is being treated like a dead black man, and the dead black man is being treated like the killing officer. I initially thought that they were going to try Officer Shelby as a black man, which would be a BIG switch for these cases, but now I’m afraid that she’ll be tried, not as a black man, not as a shitty cop, but as a woman cop.
OMG, STFU, dude.
Implications of this are wide. I tweeted out that I hope she’s just tried as a bad cop and that I’ll bet that someone will use this incident to say that a woman shouldn’t be a beat cop, and sure enough, within hours, I heard a healthy dose of misogynoir and misogynivoire™. A white dude at told me that a little white woman should not be allowed to drive a squad car, because she might not be able to overpower a potential bad guy. BRILLIANT! Insinuating that white women are fragile little flowers, even though the ones in uniform had to go through grueling training! Magnifique! A black dude said something similar, but added a little bit of colonialism-based racial stereotyping in there, saying that white women are historically “afraid” of the archetype of the big black man, so she panicked. Ah, yes. Leave it to a Hotep to find a way to perpetuate white supremacist views and coat it in chocolate. I would like to get the addresses of these people, go to DicksByMail.com, and send them each a bag of gummy dicks for them on which to munch, except I want them to KNOW that it’s from me.
Officer Shelby’s actions do NOT reflect the potential actions of every woman in uniform. Not that it is relevant, but she was not even in the car alone. She had a partner. Even if she WAS in the car alone, her gender has nothing to do with her ability to police. I know women police officers. Some of them are large, some of them are small. ALL of them can take down a 300lb cokehead with as little as a pen, so miss me with that “women are weak” argument. The grotesque Hotep argument that because she’s a little white woman, she’s probably scared of all big black men is not only the plot of Birth of a Nation (the rapey one, not the one BY the rapey one), it mixes racism with the myth of the weak-minded, “hysterical” woman. A lot of arguments against women taking leadership roles and beat cop roles and combat roles in the military begin with the idea that women are too “hormonal” and will do something irrational at a critical time. Like, somehow their uteruses will sail on a river of period blood up to their brains and control their motor functions a la Ratatouille and make them hit the Big Red button and destroy the world. She was described as being “over emotional” and being influenced be her husband in the hovering helicopter saying that Crutcher looked like a “bad dude”. Because apparently, her flighty lady brain wouldn’t be able to make any decisions on its own! So expect this incident to be the latest piece of, “SEE?! I told you!” The fact is that men are as “hormonal” as women, but they’re different hormones. And let’s be real: Since civilization, how many women initiated wars compared to men? How many women executed mass genocides? How many women murdered their husbands in domestic violence disputes, compared to men? How many women have drugged men and violently assaulted them? Numbers don’t lie. As much as we love watching our World Star Hip Hop “cat fight” videos and movies about the “crazy” spurned women who goes nuts and tries to kill her ex’s new wife, men perpetrate the majority of murders and assaults and wars and violence in the world. And women? Women be shopping*.
Putting women on the force can actually de-escalate a lot of violence and rash actions. The influx of women executives in board rooms has turned profit in companies, because wiser, more intuitive decisions were made. Women in the military have been instrumental, even before they were officially allowed in combat roles. I’ll bet that they can garner more intel, as they often have better access to speak to women and children, especially in regions where men usually are not allowed to talk to women at all. Women on police forces have made it easier for female victims to come forward in give in depth details about crimes against them. Women on the force is definitely not the problem. Betty Shelby on the force definitely is.
Given Oklahoma’s history of being a less-than socially progressive state, it wouldn’t surprise me that the Tulsa DA would throw Betty Shelby under the bus in order to perpetuate the narrative that women cannot handle tense situations. This is the state that gave us unconstitutional anti-sharia laws and the Black Wall Street Massacre. Do you really think that all of a sudden, they actually care about black lives, or any lives? They were not so quick to prosecute anyone for the 14 unarmed people in the last 2 years who perished at the hands of police or in police custody. I highly doubt that they turned over a new leaf so quickly, not after over 100 years of sexism and racism. Remember, this is the same state where a scrotum of bros happily sang about lynching any people of color who would like to join their fraternity.
I am glad that there is a charge so soon after the shooting, and I hope that this will be a transparent, fair trial. Looking at the video, Betty Shelby is not a shitty WOMAN cop; she is just a shitty cop. I am, however, very worried that the Betty Shelby trial will be an instance of throwing one group under the bus to shut up another group, all while not really addressing the inherent problem. Also, I can’t afford to send bags of gummy dicks to everyone who perpetuates the “women are weak” or the “black men are inherently scary and violent” narrative.
*I KNOW! I’M SORRY!

Thursday, September 22, 2016

#BlackAtWork: When "Look Professional" Means "Look Like a Straight White Man" UPDATES

Isn’t great that we live in a world where three men can decide unanimously that a black woman’s hair is a fireable/unhireable offense? The 11th US Court of Appeals decided that it’s not racist to not hire someone based on their hair type. Chastity Jones lost a job opportunity specifically because of her dreadlocks, was not valid, as her hair didn’t fit an immutable characteristic of racial discrimination. In 2013 The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission filed a suit on behalf of Ms. Jones against a Mobile, AL insurance claims processing company. In 2010 the company gave her an offer since she apparently was qualified. The HR director then told her that she had to get rid of her locs because “they tend to get messy”. Of course, Ms. Jones said something to the effect of, “That’s ridiculous”, and the company rescinded their offer. The EEOC case hinged on the fact that dreadlocks are culturally associated with people of African descent. The judges decided against that, as dreadlocks are a hair STYLE, not a hair TYPE. So now that we have this question out of the way, can we finally get to the heart of the matter and just admit something?
“Look Professional” is just dog whistle for “Look as much like a straight white man as possible”.
The fact that the HR director said that locs “tend to get messy” shows that this was completely an aesthetic decision on the company’s part. For one thing, dreadlocks, when tended to, are NOT messy. THey are probably one of the more manageable ways to deal with natural hair. For another, I fail to see how hair relates to the ability to process insurance claims. Are you supposed to manipulate the pen and computers with your hair at the company, and only straight hair will make it work correctly? Please; they just don’t like black hair.
I know, I know, there are plenty of other cultures in Asia and Europe who have the ability and have historically locked their hair, but let’s not pretend the dreadlocks in the United States were not primarily introduced and popularized by people of African descent. Locs were mainly a religious thing, but because the religion wasn’t Christianity, they were used as an excuse to discriminate against and criminalize blacks until locs and blacks were more mainstream. Now they are prevalent everywhere, from the street to fashion shows (I’m looking at you, Marc Jacobs), so now it’s “normal”...they’re also still used to discriminate against and criminalize black people. I have five dumb Predator jokes in my head that I heard from both black and white people to show how “scary” dreadlocks are.
Before dreadlocks, braids were the controversial hair style of choice. Before braids, any type of cornrow. Before that, the high top fade. Before that, it was the afro that was the offending hair style. And before that, just having natural black hair was enough of an excuse to fire to/not hire a person. This was the impetus for so many hair straightening products for black people. From the straightening comb to chemical perms, black people have been literally poisoning and  burning the fuck out of their scalps, just to get a job and look as our white male employers would like us to look. Hell, It’s partially why I have a shaven bald head now!

UPDATE: A black woman friend of mine just told me that when she shaved her head, she was told that she looked "unprofessional". Mind you, she does not work on a tarmac where too much moisturizer might cause glare and crash a plane. She works at a desk. So just sayinf, "Fuck it all", and going with the bald look is out of the question for black women, too. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
UPDATE: A white woman friend who works as a paramedic and/or superhero (she'll never admit it) told me about a time that she was admonished for having red hair. It's not even RED, like "your mother obviously had an affair with Ronald McDonald" red. It's just red, like "I initially thought it might be natural" red. Mind you she is a paramedic (and avenging angel of our city). She daily goes out and has to revive people and lift people larger than her and attain vital statistics from them to maintain their lives (and thwart midnight museum and bank raids by ninjas and mobsters). If anything, given that she'd be in an ambulance with a red cross or something on it, the red hair would EXEMPLIFY her passion for work (and strike fear in the hearts of the criminal underbelly). However, her boss not only didn't like it, he added a little bit of infantilization, acknowledging that he knows how long it takes for "you girls" to get their hair fixed. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It doesn’t stop at just hair. Never forget #TeacherBae. I would love to hear how many times women with...um...special assets...were admonished or fired because of their body types. Blame it on the clothes all you want; when you reach a certain size, especially when parts of you reach a size and other parts stay small, All clothes are tight. Deny that all you want, it’s true. Any time I see someone be punished for wearing “unprofessional dress”, I imagine the same outfit on someone super skinny, and I realize that punishment is utter bullshit.
Even if we DO have “professional” hair, if we DO dress “professionally”, that is no guarantee we’ll feel welcome in the workplace. It’s been more than a few times that I wore the traditional office polo and khakis, the Standard White Collar Uniform™, and still, co-workers would come up to me to demand I fix a pipe or mop a floor or something. I fucking sit in the cubicle next to you, Frank. We overcompensate so that doesn’t happen, and we get joked for “overdressing”. Sometimes that doesn’t even help. I was the branch manager of an IT department, wore a shirt and tie daily, while my henchmen wore the Standard White Collar Uniform™. Into the office comes a visiting manager from another branch, and he walks up to the one white dude in the office and asks, “You’re in charge here, right? I need blah blah blah…”
Motherfucker.
My point is, any deviation from Pleasantville-style “straight white man” is considered “not professional”. Unless you’re working where your hair might get caught in a machine, or a ring might facilitate electrocution, form of dress or amount of tattoos has nothing to do with how well someone can communicate with coworkers and do one’s job. Claims that it’s a “distraction to coworkers” is just code that the coworkers are too unprofessional to do their job. Hair, especially black women’s hair, is not the problem. Let’s hope this case gets appealed, and the judges aren’t a bunch of “professional” judges.

Can Black Couples Get Mashup Names, Too?

Man, white people are really broken up about the split of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I get it. You love your stars. You love seeing them together, and when they go through strife, you feel it hard. It doesn’t help that there is an entire media industry fueled by digging into celebrities’ personal lives. Stafucking is as American as apple pie* and pretending the Washington Redskins name isn’t racist as fuck.
I am not going to hem and haw about how dumb people are by caring about the split of movie stars that they don’t personally know. I, myself, am a starfucker, just not of former Brangelina. I wonder, however, if maybe the combo name fittingly makes the news of the separation harder to process. With that said, why don’t we do that with black celebrity couples? I want to invest more time and energy into my favorite stars, so that if they separate, I can feel the pain that my white friends are feeling now. LET ME FEEL YOUR PAIN!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith: WILLADA They’ve been together for almost 20 years, so it is doubtful that they will split any time soon. Gotta get those kids through college!...or more likely, space camp.
Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti: JHELSEA. They just got married this year, but they probably have a few years in them. Also, I KNOW Chelsea Peretti isn’t black. I’m sure she’s part of the WWF (Woke White Friends). Look at her standup.
Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade: DABRIELLE. Gabs and Dwizzles have only been married for 2 years, and both have been married before, so hopefully second time’s a charm, but if not, I MIGHT feel that remote heartbreak.
Beyoncé and Jay Z: BAE Z or BAESHAWN or BAE [dot] CARTER. In 2008, the year of Hope and Change, Beyoncé and Jay Z were wed. They sold 300 million albums together, and I assume they took over as heads of the Illuminati. We were all worried that they would split when Lemonade came out, but they’re still together. If Bey puts out Lemonade II, though, the energy released from that breakup will destroy a small state if not harnessed for good.
Oprah Winfrey and Stedman: Oprah Winfrey. Because come on. There can only be ONE!
Ice Cube and Kimberly Woodruff: KIM3. Ice Cube and Kimberly Woodruff have been married for 24 years. Their marriage is almost old enough to be able to rent a car without an insane surcharge. They deserve a mashup.
Denzel Washington and Pauletta Pearson: DENZETTA. Denzetta have been married since 1983. That’s 33 years! That’s as long as Jesus lived! They even renewed their vows in 1995, officiated by ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU! Not only is Denzel Washington the Greatest Actor of All Time, Period™, I’m quite certain Denzetta is the Greatest Marriage of All Time, Period.
Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz: SWIZZ KEYS. They’ve been married since 2010, and…ah, hell. I know this isn’t a mashup. I just want Swizz Beatz to change his stage surname to “Keys”.
Angela Bassett and Courtney B. Vance: COURTANGELA. Courtangela have been married for 19 years, which is how much older Angela Bassett is than me. Though many would lose their minds if they split, I would see it as an opportunity to finally court Angela Bassett, on whom I’ve had a crush since Kindergarten Cop. She would still rock a mean Storm in another X-Men reboot.
I’ll be honest. I don’t really care if we do mashups. I just wanted to reiterated that my crush on Angela Bassett will never die. Don’t mess up, Courtney.
*Apple pie is a Dutch creation. The only thing American about it is that we claim that it’s ours, but we’re willfully ignorant of its origins, kind of like Donald Trump, Jr. using a picture taken by a Syrian refugee to make a shitty analogy about Syrian refugees.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

How to Avoid Being Shot in America

In the last week, we saw 13 year old Tyree King and 40 year old Terence Crutcher be shot by police. For Tyree King, police responded to an armed robbery call, saw 13 year old Tyree, and shot him multiple times. Reports say that he pulled the BB gun on them, but autopsies say that he was shot while running away. Since his death, Demetrius Brown was arrested for said armed robbery. It makes sense that they used lethal force on Tyree King, though. Ohio must apparently be required to kill a minor every two years in order to keep the Cthulhu in the Cincinnati River satisfied.
In Terence Crutcher’s case, he had some car trouble. It was car trouble so bad that three or four squad cars and a helicopter had to respond. Him walking with his hands up in the air made him look so threatening that the officer HAD to shoot him. According to the officer in the helicopter, he looked like a “really bad dude”, like he was on drugs or something. Because you can definitely tell that from a helicopter hundreds of feet above ground. It was important for the Tulsa PD officer to shoot Crutcher even though he was unarmed, because what if he had superpowers? He could have shoryukened the whole ground team and gotten away in his non-working car!
In light of these two incidents, I feel the need to remind people of tips to keep themselves safe and not shot by police and overzealous armed citizens in the United States:
  1. Don't have a broken down car.
  2. Don't put your hands up.
  3. Don't play with a toy gun in an open carry state.
  4. Don't drive while deaf.
  5. Don't have a seizure.
  6. Don't announce that you're armed in an open carry state.
  7. Don't sell CDs.
  8. Don't sell loosies.
  9. Don't try to help your special needs client while sprawled out in the street announcing that you're helping your special needs client.
  10. Don't be 13.
  11. Don't be 14.
  12. Don't be 40.
  13. Don't be 39.
  14. Don't be 27.
  15. Don't ask why you're being stopped.
  16. Don't smoke in your car while waiting.
  17. Don't have a wedding.
  18. Don't have a Bachelor party.
  19. Don't knock on doors for help.
  20. Don't try to protect your home.
  21. Don't be a baby sleeping.
  22. Don't be homeless sleeping.
  23. Don't sleep.
  24. Don't sit in your bedroom.
  25. Don't sit in your living room
  26. Don't walk down a flight of stairs.
  27. Don't go to a funeral.
  28. Don't drive.
  29. Don't take public transit.
  30. Don't have a mental illness.
  31. Don't reach for your wallet.
  32. Don't speak.
  33. Don't not have English as your native tongue.
  34. Don't try to escape your abusive relationship.
  35. Don't wear baggy clothes.
  36. Don't wear tight clothes.
  37. Don't cosplay.
  38. Don't go to church.
  39. Don't stand in your driveway.
...but most importantly, the three pivotal rules that will help you not get shot in the United States:
  1. Don't be non-white.
  2. Don't be a woman.
  3. Don't be any letter of LGBT.

I hope this helps. If you can think of any other tips, please let me know.

How The Donald Trump Can Gain Minority Support

The 2016 Presidential polls show a neck and neck race right now. Supporters on both sides are getting nervous, because this is unprecedented and NEVER happens 2 months out of the general election...except for when it happened in 2012. And 2008. And 2004. And 2000. And 1996. And…
The bottom line is that now more than ever (with the exception of 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, etc.),  the candidates should not rely on just the demographic voting blocs that they usually garner, The Donald Trump especially. Sure, he’s got the white supremacist vote on lock, but he’s been trying to garner support from African Americans and Hispanic Americans. So far, he’s polling among these two groups at close to 0%. He’s basically got Uncle Ruckus, Omarosa, Ben Carson, and the Mexican guy who promised us taco trucks on every corner, and one of these people isn’t even a real person. Everyone knows Ben Carson is a cartoon.
Since his outreach efforts among black and brown people have yielded very little, I would like to give him some tips that might help him garner more positive attention and views from increasingly important voting bloc. Maybe, just maybe, if he follows these steps, he’ll get a higher percentage of the black and brown vote than 3 people and a cartoon:
  1. Stop lying and admit when you’re wrong.
Black people be contrite, yo! The Donald Trump has a long record of belting out things, both online and live, that are just plain wrong. He never owns it. For example, in the 1980s, he called for the deaths of the Central Park Five, a group of black and brown teenagers who were accused and convicted of a malicious assault and rape of a female jogger in Central Park. When DNA proof and the confession of the “man” who ACTUALLY committed the crime exonerated the Five, they rightfully sued New York City in 2002. They eventually settled for $41 million in 2014, Trump took pen to paper to call the settlement a “disgrace” and said that “settlement doesn’t mean innocence”. That is true, but DNA EVIDENCE AND A CONFESSION FROM THE REAL CULPRIT DOES.
Come on, The Donald. Just admit you’re wrong on this, and other things. Admission of a mistake makes you more human. It also makes you look more mature. Only  spoiled children refuse to admit when they’re wrong.
  1. Stop lying and apologize.
¡Los mexicanos aman disculpas! The Donald Trump added fuel to the smoldering remnants of birtherism regarding the President of the United States a few years ago. That fire was almost out in 2011 with Orly Taitz’s suits continually failing and her getting fined for her lawyer misconduct. The Donald Became the new spearhead of the movement, claiming that he sent “investigators” to Hawaii, claiming that Israeli scientists deemed Obama’s “long form” birth certificate was a fake. He lit up Twitter with tweets about how Obama wasn’t born here throughout the 2012 election cycle. Now that he’s a candidate, he just brought up the non-issue, claiming that he finally proved that Hillary Clinton’s “birther” campaign is finally at an end, because of his exhaustive investigation to prove that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.
You ain’t got to lie, The! We KNOW you took up the reigns of the birther movement, which was in its death throws before you revival, and put it back in the news! Even I thought that the birther movement was a Clinton invention, but it was really some of her extreme surrogates who started the panic, and she promptly disavowed their credibility. That is something you have yet to do regarding your extremist surrogates. How can you stand there with a straight face and say that you were not heading up the birther movement? Do you realize we have Google? Do you not know that you never delete a tweet, so we can go back and see every tweet you’ve twatted? All you had to do was apologize for such a wasteful mess, The, but you just can’t seem to do that.
  1. Stop lying and research your target demographic.
Whoo! Black people looove being pandered to! The Donald Trump started his campaign with a speech that demonized brown immigrants, and specifically Mexicans. He said that they were bringing in drugs and crime and that they were rapists. The DID say that some of them, he’s sure, were good people, but the majority were not. If by “some of them”, The meant 98.4%, then he is correct. Of the 11.2 million undocumented immigrants living in the United States, roughly 178,000 of them are the criminals of which The speaks. Of those, 121 of them were charged with murder. That means that we are still statistically more likely to be victims of crime from a white guy from Mississippi than a brown guy from Michoacán. When confronted about his allegations, he said, “Well SOMEBODY is doing the raping!” He should know, since HE HAS A PENDING RAPE CASE.
In an effort to garner more African American Support, he used wording that sounded like he was a deadbeat trying to convince a bored, uninterested bar patron to have a fling with him. He characterized black neighborhoods as run down with failed schools and dilapidated houses. His exact words were, “You're living in poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs, 58 per cent of your youth is unemployed, what the hell do you have to lose?
Well, given your want to go back to a previous time, our freedom.
Rates of poverty among African Americans is higher than the national average. We’re at 27% compared to the national 15.1 percent. That is quite high, but that also means that 73% OF BLACKS DO NOT LIVE IN POVERTY. Even the 58% is a false flag. He likely includes people in college and high school in this statistic, because the number is really 18.7%. I would like for The to bring that speech to Prince George’s county, the one of the nation’s highest concentration of middle- to upper-class African Americans, and see how that speech flies. Also, he can’t really speak to the state of African Americans’ living conditions when his real estate firm was sued for denying housing to African-American families.
This speech hit an especially sensitive nerve, since I went to a majority black public school. It was a magnet liberal arts school. You had to apply to get in, and I was on a waiting list. From there I went to an HBCU to study Electrical Engineering and then was hired 6 months before I got my Bachelor of Science at one of the largest engineering firms in the country. My starting salary was $3,000 more than my white co-hires. Our schools are so bad…If only I could have gone to better schools, I could be an astronaut or Jesus or something. I’m so sad…
  1. Stop lying and Change your slogan
Seriously, every non-white, non-cis man is a little bit disturbed by the phrase, “Make America Great Again”. We’re all thinking of a time in the history of the country when America was great, and how that happened. The 1980s weren’t “great” for the LGBT community. An AIDS epidemic was killing a lot of young people, and because it was perceived that only gay men could get it, the government actively ignored and joked about its spread instead of doing research to fight it. The 19th Century wasn’t “great” for women. They couldn’t vote, they couldn’t own property, and even up to the 21st century domestic violence and spousal rape are codified as acceptable. Manifest Destiny was not a “great” time for the indigenous people. Sure we got “from sea to shining sea” because of it, but how many people were killed or displaced because of it? The 1600s to 1865 weren’t “great” for blacks in America. They helped build the economy at the birth of the nation, involuntarily and for free, and as thanks for their efforts, they were abused even further, with a biased penal code, redlined housing, gratuitous lynchings, and a movie called Birth of a Nation...the rapey one, not the one by the rapey one.
If you can find a time when America’s greatness wasn’t polished with the blood of a minority group, then please keep the phrase. But I know you can’t, so just stop.
  1. Stop lying and quit the race

Motherfucker, do you really think any of us would vote for your racist, sexist, lying, cheating ass? How many agencies are investigating you for fraud? How many people did you grift to gain your wealth? You claim that you have a great relationship with “the blacks”? You only know that the best way to identify a racist is when they put an article in from of an adjective, make the adjective a noun, and apply it to a group of people, right? You are backed by David Duke. You might have raped a teenager. YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. We would vote for a petrified cat before we vote for you! We would vote for a bag of ferrets on cocaine! You have NOTHING to offer the nation. I still think you’re just playing a giant practical joke on the nation. You retweeted an article TALKING about how you are playing everyone! No way any person of color is wasting their vote on a bloated moldy Aryan mandarin with baby hands, who HATES PEOPLE OF COLOR! WHy should I waste my vote on a racist? I wish I had more hands, so that i could flip you off in sextuplet. I wrote this whole essay with just my middle fingers! GTFOH! NO!

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