Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Coloureds, Women, and the Gay Addenda, Part III

I specifically hate homophobes. There are so many. If you’re straight, homophobes will just say really offensive anti-gay things, and if you take exception to it, then they don’t understand why, because you’re straight, right? Either that or you’re obviously gay, because you’re offended. It doesn’t work that way. I’m offended by it because you de-humanised a group of people. My anger makes me want to de-humanise them by snake-punching them in the throat, but that would be uncivilised. The worst offenders are the religious zealots. “It says in Leviticus blah blah blah that homosexuality is a SIN!” Yeah, but the same book forbids eating pork and has a guide for treating your slave. What about that, chubs? You want to get that ham hock out of your mouth and stop beating your “rent-boy”?

In reality, the religious zealots don’t piss me off as much as the conspiracy theorists. They’re as bad as the “black olive/green olive” people. There’s “gay” everywhere they look. Bert & Ernie are an abomination. Spongebob Squarepants is gay. The purple Teletubby is gay…actually, he probably is gay. What I want to know is why are all these conspiracy buffs watching so many cartoons? Is this what they watch while they’re putting roofies in the communion wine in prep for the children’s sermon?...too soon?

The homosexuals are trying to turn our kids gay! Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed! Now we’re going to lose all the wars we unjustifiably started!

They’re going to ruin our marriage! No, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire” ruined marriage long before any homosexual ever did…Well, “Millionaire” and Anna Nicole Smith. But seriously, if you want to see what a ruined marriage institution looks like, volunteer for House of Ruth for a month. Go to an ICU and see a wife that burnt the toast too much, and was thanked by having her arms broken, or her face bashed until she resembled a pumpkin, or was repeatedly raped because hell, she married ‘im, that means she’s his! This is the institution that homophobes are trying to protect. This has been going on for hundreds of years. Women were property, not equal partners.

Someone tried to proselytize me, warning of the vast gay “addenda”. I thought I misheard, but he definitely said “addenda”. So on top of the LGBT crowd putting gay powder in my eggs and gaying up my cartoons, I have to worry about them secretly putting extra stipulations in already-notarised contracts? That’s the only thing I can think gay “addenda” would be.

I think the bottom line is this: if you are going to not like a certain group of people, then have a damn good reason, and back it up with fact. Ask this: are their existence and their actions infringing on your right to do whatever you want to do? No? Then shut the f*** up, and get yourself a vasectomy. You shouldn’t procreate. Instead of spending all that time hating people who are different, everyone should learn more about each other individually. Then, you’ll find a myriad of good reasons to hate each other besides their ethnicity or religion or gender.

Coloureds, Women, and the Gay Addenda, Part II

My friend once said that there are fools, and then there are educated fools. Example: Back in the 20s, there was a study done by “scientists” that justified not allowing black people to be pilots, saying their brain function was to simple compared to whites’, and they would not have to cognitive know-how to manipulate the intricacies of being a pilot. However, in World War II the only air unit to not lose one bomber they were to protect were the Tuskegee Airmen. Suck it, scientists. An even better example is how Jesse Owens went to the 1936 Olympics in Berlin and won four gold medals, right in front of Hitler and his bigot-sanctioned regime that theorised that the ONLY superior race is the white race. After seeing “ein neger” accomplish so many feats, I’m sure he wanted to shoot himself in the face…oh wait; he did do that, didn’t he?

Uneducated fools give me amusement. I once was on an assignment on Long Island and my co-workers piled into a car to look for a place to eat lunch. I suggested the Indian place right near our job. They didn’t like my idea.

Dickface A: I don’t want to eat at some dirty Arab restaurant!

Me: It’s not Arab food; it’s Indian!

Dickface B: Whatever, they have the black hair, and the brown skin, and the funny accent. It’s all the same.

Me: Are you kidding me? Arabs are in one area of Asia and Africa, and India is ITS OWN COUNTRY! Did you fail geography? Besides, I’M brown skinned with black hair! What are you trying to say?

Dickface B: That’s not what I mean. I mean as if they look like a terrorist, then I’m not going near it.

Me: Well Timothy McVeigh was a terrorist, and you look like him! Seriously, if you’re going to be racist against a group of people, perhaps you should study up so you don’t sound like an idiot. Maybe I should get out of the car before you make a fertiliser bomb.

…Which I did. Best Indian food ever. J

Oh yeah, and news flash: just because someone doesn’t speak English well doesn’t mean the person is an idiot. In fact, chances are he/she is smarter than you! I hear the way people talk about our foreign customers, and I cringe. “Don’t make it too complicated. They won’t understand it!” Really? The Indian dude won’t understand a technical system that we make for him? Because I’m pretty sure that the author of the manual is Jeyasingh I-Have-a-Degree-for-Every-Syllable-of-My-Surname.

And if you’re going to complain about someone with an accent, your English had BEST be on point! The next time I hear someone say, “Dumb ass needs to go back to where he came from. He doesn’t even speak English good”, I’m going to implode. I think it should be legal, in a situation like this, to take a medicine ball with the grammar correction written on it and toss it forcefully at the back of the perpetrator’s leg.

Coloureds, Women, and the Gay Addenda, Part I

You know who I hate? Bigots. I abhor racists, xenophobes, and homophobes. They make me wonder if all humans truly do have a common ancestor, or if some actually evolved from piles of dinosaur dung, as opposed to the rest of us who evolved from primates. They’re all over where I work, they’re in some of the bars where I go, I find them while travelling, I see a LOT of them hiding behind fake names on internet blogs and trolling the comment lines of news stories…they’re like V sleeper cells! You’ll start talking to someone thinking they’re nice people, then BAM! “I sure hate them Mexicans.” Don’t get me wrong; my friends and I throw a few off-colour jokes here and there, but it’s more to point out the absolute absurdity of ethnic hate, not to amplify it. My friends get together for a group picture, and it joyfully looks like a Benetton ad.

Being racist against someone’s skin colour or background is ridiculous. It is worse when people don’t realise how bigoted they are. I LOVE to hear, “I’m not racist, but…”, and then hear the most filthy, balls-punchingly racist diatribe ever. It still annoys me when I am being followed through a store by security. It’s been happening since I was 13. I’ve been 29 for 4 years now, I’m college educated and employed, and it STILL happens! By the way, black people reading this, a fun game to play in a department store is “Ring Around the Rosie”. As soon as you spot the security guard following you, start humming “Ring Around the Rosie” while you walk in figure 8s around the displays. Once you get to the “We all fall down” part, just drop down. That way, they think you’re crazy, not a criminal. Another fun thing to do is dance to the music in the department store. They will start looking around, because they’ll think a flash mob is about to erupt. You could also start following them. That is fun as well. One time, local cop reminded me of that the other day when he questioned from where I got my car, because it didn’t seem like “I” would have a car like that. I know what the hell that means, dicksnot. It wasn’t until I showed him my registration and ID that I was allowed to go into MY OWN F***ING HOUSE!

It drives me up the wall when I hear some yutz at work talking about “jewing down” a price for a vendor, or when they use the word “urban” in my presence. Just say n***er. I know that’s what you’re thinking, and it gives me a good reason to punch you in the neck. I love when I tell them I don’t eat chicken, and I inevitably get, “YOU don’t eat chicken???” No, suh, Ah doesn’t! But I still likes dah wattamelons and hot sauce! Or my favourite: “So you weren’t in the military. How did YOU get a job here?” Well, the massah lets me reads the books, but I best not tell nobody! Dey might cut off my tongue! My favourite is when they find out I’m Jewish, and I see that little blood vessel pop in their heads as they try to wrap their heads around the idea that that JUST might be a black Jew in their presence. Have you heard of Ethiopia, you ignorant motherf***ers? The converted few in NYC? MOSES??? And stop asking me about “black things”! I haven’t been to a meeting in years.

My anger isn’t solely for racist white people. Have you ever met a black guy who is so blindly racist, he sees something offensive in everything? He’ll say things like, “Why the hell are Frosted flakes just Grrreat, but you gotta go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs! Damn Rice Crispies have a bunch little white boys as mascots, but Cocoa Crispies have a damn monkey! It’s racist!” It’s hilarious, but it is also sad, because the dude is serious. He really believes that the white man is trying to keep him down with subtle nuances in society. You look at that man, and you feel sorry that his mother wasn’t pro-choice. I know this, because I used to be that black guy, complaining that black olives were in cans while the green, lighter olives get to be in glass jars, wondering why angel’s food is white while devil’s food is dark, rocking leather pea coats and sunglasses as if that was proper attire for the coming “revolution”…but then I grew up. I realised the value of people’s character, and that skin colour is nothing but one gene triggered over another…I kept the pea coat though. Women dig it.

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