Thursday, December 17, 2015

#WookieLivesMatter: Star Wars Synopsis of Episodes I-VI

This is primarily for my friend Lindsey who needed a quick refresher before she sees "The Force Awakens", but if anyone else needs a primer, please read on.
UPDATE: Like George Lucas before me, I edited and added parts of this recollection to make it better. Don't worry; Han still shot first.

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

There’s a republic of racist stereotype aliens who meet at a weird beehive of a senate house. They want to do a space-NAFTA deal with Amphibians who are also East Asian caricatures. Liam Neeson and Obi-Wan go to help negotiate Space-NAFTA with the Asian Amphibians. Some asshole in the Senate sends someone to kill them, but you can’t kill motherfucking Liam Neeson. During the ambush, they save Floppy Frog Buckwheat, who is every buffoonish black stereotype of the 1920s with gills. Everyone hates him, except for idiots. If this were Disney, they'd spend their days teaching Dumbo how to fly or telling cute stories about Br'er Rabbit to their child white masters. Frogwheat guides them to his submarine hometown, and to everyone’s horros, there is a whole nation of Frogwheats. They go back to the surface and meet Queen Natalie Portman, and she joins them on a trip to Tatooine, where meets a young child who will eventually be a mass murderer, but at this time is allowed to enter a high speed drag race involving rockets and junkyard scrap. Also, she and Pod Racing Kid are probably going to do it, once he’s legal. He also has a pet droid. Some red dude with the coolest light saber tries to kill Liam Neeson and kidnap Queen Natalie Portman, but he’s Liam Motherfucking Neeson. Had he watched “Taken” or “Taken 2” or “Taken 3: Let’s Just Admit I’m Worse Than the ‘Home Alone’ Parents”, he’d know that Liam Neeson doesn’t play murder or kidnapping…except, like, three times.  Queen Natalie Portman goes to Beehive Congress and talks shit on Space-NAFTA, and then goes home to convince the Underwater Minstrel Show to unite against Space-NAFTA, who apparently have an army of droids. Frogwheat leads the Underwater Minstrel Show against the droid army. The red dude with the coolest light saber fights Liam Neeson and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he actually kills Liam Neeson. He is the only person to kill Liam Neeson in a movie in the last 30 years. Look it up. Obi-wan cuts red dude in half, but doesn’t take his cool-ass light saber. He decides to train Pod-Racing Kid because he has a lot of Force in him, which we learn is essentially a goddamn blood disorder. The black Jedi in the movie didn’t die first, as the black community feared most.

EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (...not as good as "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes")

It’s ten years later, and the only person who has aged is Pod Racing Kid. He’s  still being trained to be a Jedi by Obi-Wan Kenobi, who doesn’t have the heart to tell him that his rat tail makes him look like a space redneck. He is somehow now close in age to Queen Natalie Portman, who is now Senator Natalie Portman, and he apparently has game, because he straight up started macking on her, and she is feeling it. His blood disorder, the Force, tells him that his mom might be in trouble, so they both travel to Tatooine to see what’s happening. She was kidnapped and tortured by spiky-football head people. Pod Racing Kid kills a whole town of them like it’s nothing. Senator Natalie Portman doesn’t see this as a red flag. Shady stuff is happening everywhere. The mystique of the coolest bounty hunter is pissed upon when you find out it’s just a clone of one dude who kind of looks like Skinny Rock. There’s some fighting between some droids and some clones. Pod Racing Kid gets his arm chopped off, so now he needs a robot arm. Yoda shows he’s got crazy bow staff skills. Again, the black Jedi didn’t die first, much to everyone’s relief.

CLONE WARS: Cartoon. Look it up. It’s dope.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

There’s a full-on civil war happening. That Pod Racing Kid (who finally got rid of that rat tail) decapitates a bad guy within about 30 minutes of the movie. He and Senator Natalie Portman are totally doing it. She’s knocked up, because either there are no space condoms or the Jedi Order forbids birth control or Beehive Congress defunded Space Planned Parenthood. Pod-racing kid is a borderline bro-dude, and is teetering between being chill Dove For Men and going full-on Axe Body Spray. Some shady stuff goes on. The black Jedi finally dies. I cried. There’s a Godfather style montage of all the Jedis being killed. Pod-Racing Kid goes full-on Axe Body Spray and kills a bunch of kids. Obi-Wan is attacked by an electric spider lizard guy, but he kills him. Yoda isn’t having any of this getting killed shit. Senator Natalie Portman dies while giving birth to twins, and seems to just pull some names out of her ass just before dying. Obi-Wan fights Pod-Racing Kid near a river of lava, and chops of his limbs, so he’s kind of a burning baked potato, but he didn’t finish the job. Obi-Wan takes the twins that Dead Natalie Portman had and gives the brother to Dead Natalie Portman’s stepfamily on a desert farm, and the sister to Senator Jimmy Smits. Pod Racing Potato is now a superhuman robot Darth Potato. The Beehive Congress is dissolved, and it’s now the Empire.

EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

All Bad Everything. There’s a ship that looks like a moon. Darth Potato tortures Princess Leia with a weird ball that would make the people at Kink.com cringe. After that, he makes her watch as he blows up her planet. This is extra fucked up, because he’s definitely her dad. This is terrible parenting. Is there no CPS in the Empire? Meanwhile, those droids that were Pod-Racing Kid’s buddies are schlepping through the desert and meet Luke. They all meet Obi-Wan, and they see that somebody roasted Luke’s aunt and uncle, so they get the hell off the desert planet, but not before HAN SHOOTS FIRST. Also, there’s a dude who looks like if Cousin It and a cocker spaniel banged. His name is Chewbacca, and I’ll bet he sheds like a motherfucker. He’s so hairy that he can walk around with absolutely no clothes on. While on Han Solo’s ship, Obi-wan gives Luke the light saber that his father used to kill a bunch of kids, but he doesn’t tell him that part, or that he turned his dad into an evil potato without so much as a mercy kill. All of them go to the Death Star to rescue Leia. Leia is disappointed that Luke looks short in his storm trooper outfit. They jump into a garbage pit and get attacked by a monster. Then they escape, but not before Obi-Wan is killed by Darth Potato. After seeing what he did to Darth Potato, you have mixed feelings about his death. One on side, Darth Potato is totally full-on Axe Body Spray evil. On the other, Obi-Wan totally turned him into a wailing potato 20 years earlier, and had he finished the job, a lot of the entire movie probably would not have happened. Luke is sadder about the dude he just met about a day earlier, and is too self-absorbed to see how Leia is doing since her ENTIRE PLANET WAS BLOWN UP. They regroup, and a fleet of pilots and Luke, who for some reason just knows how to fly a fighter jet even though he’s been farming in a desert all his life, go to play an Atari game that blows up the Death Star. Everybody gets a medal for that, except for Chewbacca. #WookieLivesMatter.

EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

Leia kisses Luke which is awkward after you see Episode VI. However, Han and Leia are totally doing it. [INSERT "I'll bet Han Shoots First" SEXUAL JOKE HERE] Shit gets real. Rebels are holed up on a planet called Hoth, but they should call it Coldth, because it’s frozen. Luke is stuck scouting an asteroid shower, and some dumb looking ox-yeti comes from out of nowhere and ambushes him. Luke kills him, but it still lost in icy wasteland. It’s probably hallucination, but he totally sees Ghost Obi-Wan, who tells him to find Yoda and learn how to not be a useless asshole. Then his giraffe-raptor dies, and Han finds them and cuts it open and puts him in it for warmth. The asteroid shower turns out to be an Imperial probe, and now Empire deploys giant robot elephants that are vulnerable to tiny strings. The Main Characters® escape Coldth to an asteroid field where they hide in a hole in a crater. It turns out it’s really a giant worm’s mouth with bat parasites. Meanwhile, Darth Potato is super into choking people. It makes sense, with the black leather and stuff. He doesn’t respect people’s safe words, though. Anyway, Luke decides to believe Ghost Obi-Wan and look for the Muppet who is going to train him to be a badass. It’s Yoda! He hazes the hell out of Luke and takes his food. Then he makes him walk into a psychadelic tree, but it’s not a cool unicorns and rainbows trip in the tree. It’s a bad trip, like when you take shrooms and then watch a found footage horror flick at night in a creaky house during a windstorm. The rest of the crew goes to Cloud City, and there’s another black dude in the galaxy, and he likes Colt 45. He was Han’s college buddy at Tatooine U. (The Fightin’ Jawas!), but now he ain’t nothin’ but a snitch and helps Darth Potato trap them, and the coolest bounty hunter turns Han into a Hansicle. Just before the freezing, Leia says, “I love you”, and Han is all, “Whatevs”. Colt 45 gets ripped off by Darth Potato, because snitches get stitches. He decides to help Leia and Chewbacca and the droids. Luke leaves his hazing and fights Darth Potato. Darth chops off his hand and THEN tells him he’s his dad. Darth Potato seriously needs to pick up a Dr. Spock parenting book, because he is terrible at being a father. I mean, my dad left before I was gone, but he never blew up my house or chopped off my hand! Luke falls, like, 200 feet and lives somehow. He gets picked up by Leia and Colt 45 and Chewbacca in the Millennium Falcon, which I used to call Aluminum Falcon when I was a kid. What the hell kid can say “aluminum” but have trouble with “millennium”? Of course, I also said “pasghetti”, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard in myself. The Millenium Falcon has spare robot hands laying around, so Luke gets a robot hand for his new stump. The movie ends, and everybody’s like, “WTF?”

EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI

All Bad Everything: New Death Star is under construction. Inexplicably, there are tremendous parts that are exposed, but no construction workers are dying from exposure to the vacuum of space. You find out it’s because a force field is encasing it. Hansicle is on Tatooine in the living room of Rush Limbaugh’s Soft Shitty Body. Rushbaugh-Shitbod runs a weird racketeering and slave cartel and regularly has green women dance until a boob pops out (Google Oola nip slip), and then he drops them through a trap door to get eaten by a giant leather monkey. He is totally doing BDSM culture all wrong, and he has no regard for consent. The Main Characters® have a plan to rescue Hansicle. Colt 45 is undercover. Leia wears a robot weasel mask and tries to rescue Han, but is caught and is made to wear a costume that nerds everywhere will masturbating to for years. Luke and the droids show up. All of a sudden, Luke thinks he’s a badass because he’s got a new robot hand. He gets dropped into the pit and he kills Rushbaugh-Shitbod’s giant leather monkey. Rushbaugh-Shitbod throws a fit and decides to throw everyone into a Sarlacc pit, which is essentially a giant version of that female condom with the teeth in it (Google Rapex Condom). Luke does some force shit, Leia chokes Rushbaugh-Shitbod to death (which he was probably into, like David Carradine), and they escape to the rebel base, led by an anthropomorphic squid/lobster. Meanwhile, Luke goes back to Dagobah to get more hazing by Muppet Yoda, but Muppet Yoda is dying. Before he fades to nothing, he tells Luke he’s got a sibling. It’s Leia, so now he needs to live with the fact that his own sister stuck her tongue down his throat back in Episode V. Han Solo goes to a moon full of murderous teddy bears to destroy the shield generator that is protecting the Death Half-Star, and they’re ambushed by the Empire and the teddy bears. They escape the Empire, but those bears are hungry. They think that C3PO is a god, and they like Leia because she can braid hair. They were going to eat Han, but Luke uses the Force to make C3PO look more god-like, because the murderous teddy bears are sheep. They ally with The Main Characters® to fight the Empire on Murderous Teddy Bear moon. Luke goes to meet Darth Potato, and Han fights the Empire on Teddy Bear Moon, and Colt 45 preps to attack the Death Half-Star under guidance of the anthropomorphic squid/lobster, who is rightfully scared of traps. Luke meets the Emperor who has not aged well at all, and he fights his dad yet again while the Emperor masturbates. Luke chops off Darth Potato's right hand and realizes he has a robot hand too! He doesn’t kill him, though, so the Emperor uses his magic static shock to try to kill Luke. Darth Potato isn’t having that and finally does a good thing as a father. He throws the Emperor into a pit, and he actually dies. Colt 45 succeeds in blowing up the Death Half-Star, but not before Luke can have a heart-to-heart with his dying potato dad. Han wins on Teddy Bear Planet. Everybody is happy; the murderous teddy bears are happy, the squid/lobster is happy, the Main Characters® are happy. It’s a super happy ending, except for Chewbacca. He never got didn’t get his damn medal.

#WookieLivesMatter

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