Monday, August 31, 2009

Proper Noble Etiquette

A good leader leads by example. Therefore, Squire Bugiganga now knows that it is perfectly fine to berate his offspring via carrier pigeon while in the middle of training other squires, who also happen to be important liaisons from yonder kingdoms. The ensuing awkward silence and stares of bewilderment mean that they respect you and admire you.

Case in point: Squire Bugiganga proctored a two-week training class for a group of squires from the Land of the Stans. One part of the course was taught by ShaqsDad the Destroyer. Whilst teaching, his carrier pigeon beckoned with a question from one of his younger offspring. He immediately stopped in mid-sentence and took care of the issue he had with the child. It was definitely more important than his task at hand:

So now what you want to do is ma-[pigeon beckons, The Destroyer answers]…Yes?...No…No, Thaddeus! Do not call your mother!...The jar is in the right cabinet…Shut up…shut up, and listen to me!...The right cabinet, where it always is!...Then look there!...[Squires from the Land of the Stans look in bewilderment and slight fear]…Thaddeus, if you cant find it, then find something else to eat!...Do not call me back…Do not!...Goodbye, Thaddeus.

Moments later, Thaddeus called back:

What?!...It’s IN the CLOSET!...I said that before!...No!...No, I did NOT say “cabinet”!...You know what? Call your mother. I don’t have time for this…LOOK IN THE CLOSET!

When he put his carrier pigeon away, the Squires had a look of horror and disdain on their faces. They were so impressed and enamoured by ShaqsDad’s mid-training interruption. They were so enamoured, they nearly dropped their contract with the Kingdom of MoronDor.

Squire Bugiganga is very happy to have such great leaders to emulate. He now knows the best way to treat a customer. He will forget all the etiquette he learned in his previous kingdoms, one of them being a Noble himself, and learn this new, abrasive way of action. Boy, Squire Bugiganga is so happy, he could kick a Care Bear.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Keystone Copsonomics and Unicorn Scribes

Whilst we toil at our desks, the Squires use their magic windows to converse with each other. The following Chronicle of Nonsense is a chat log from said magic windows that occurred between Brian the Bald and Squire Bugiganga a few fornights ago. Names of countries and companies have been changed to protect their anonymity…also, it makes this funnier…

Squire Bugiganga says: Your life sucks.

Brian the Bald says: Right now it does, but The Land of Sand and Riches is WAAAAAAAAY better planned and managed than the Kingdom of Stans.

S.B. says: The Iraq war is waaayyy better managed than the Kingdom of Stans.

Brian the Bald says: Yeah, because we finally had a smart guy to come in and clean the mess up. The Kingdom of Stans just kept adding moronic Nobles to the mix.

S.B. says: It's keystone copsonomics.

B.B. says: ? What is copsonomics? Vhat eez dis vord?

S.B. says: I should have hyphenated: Keystone-Cops-onomics. It's when you take a lucrative venture and royally f*** it up by putting a bunch of idiots on the project...eventually the workplace looks like a Benny Hill skit

B.B. says: Ah yes...AKA: The Morondor Way. "It's the way it's always been done."

S.B. says: That's more famous than "you're killing me!"

B.B. says: Morondor's new motto. "Same shit."

[15 minutes later]

B.B. says: My Land-of-Sand-and-Riches meeting was canceled because the wireless harnesses for the unicorn scribes weren't working in 2 separate conference stables.

B.B. says: So, due to technical difficulties, nothing could be accomplished.

B.B. says: I love it. God forbid we have to resort back to wired peripherals... or even pen and paper instead of the unicorn scribes!

S.B. says: Holy crap!

S.B. says: That is AWESOME!

B.B. says: Mediocrity at its finest.

S.B. says: Sweet Jesus Vasquez...If I believed in hell, this place would be going there fast.

S.B. says: Wait...I do. This place is going to Watertown.

B.B. says: :-p Watertown

S.B. says: You realize that is going to be a Chronicle of Nonsense.

B.B. says: J

…And thus was bourne this Chronicle of Nonsense.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Fall & Rise of Squire Bugiganga

Squire Bugiganga has been kicked off the major project for which he has toiled for many moons. His next assignment is to toil on the project for which he has already toiled for many moons. Does this make sense to you? Has your intrepid nuanced narrator lost you? Perhaps the dialogue will help you:

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: Look, I’m going to level with you: ‘people’ are not happy with your performance on this project, so I’m pulling you from it.

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: But I did everything I was told to do and then some! I cleaned up the loopholes in all plans and bridged all gaps in the paths of the castles! I don’t understand why I am being pulled off!

SHAQSDAD: Well, ‘people’ are tired of going behind you and fixing things. It takes away manpower from the other things we have to do. Yorick has had to go behind you and correct many things.

S.B.: But the entire kingdom I created worked fine without the ‘corrections’. All you had Yorick do was model the kingdom after what you wished. Had I known you wanted all roads converging, I could have done that in the first place.

SD.D.: It matters not now. The Nobles have spoken. I have a new project for you. You must now train the Squires who have come from yonder on how to take care of the Kingdom you created.

S.B.: But I thought you said I was off the project.

SD.D.: You are.

S.B.: …If I am off the project, then I shouldn’t be training anyone regarding the project. That would make it look like I am on the project.

SD.D.: No, you are definitely off the project. Now, I need you to create and collect scrolls regarding all the work you did on the project.

S.B.: Um…would that not require me to stay on the project?

SD.D.: No it won’t. You are definitely off the project. Moving on, you will collect your salary from the same pot of gold that you have been collecting it. It is the pot specifically for the project.

S.B.: [Migraine sets in]…So I am no longer on the project, but I must teach the Squires from yonder, I must make scrolls of instruction, and I must collect my salary from the same project pot.

SD.D.: When you say it like that, it sounds like you are still on the project. But you are definitely off the project. By the way, when the second phase of the project starts, I need you to work on it. You’re off the project, by the way.

S.B.: …What's the guy's name on first base?

SD.D.: No. What is on second.

S.B.: I'm not asking you who's on second.

SD.D.: Who's on first.

S.B.: I don't know.

SD.D.: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

S.B.: Now how did I get on third base?

SD.D.: Why you mentioned his name.

S.B.: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

SD.D.: No. Who's playing first.

S.B.: What's on first?

SD.D.: What's on second.

S.B.: I don't know.

SD.D. & S.B.: Third Base!

Does it all make sense now, dear reader? Your nonsensical narrator hopes so, then you can explain it to him.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Highwaymen's Folley

A non-work related Chronicle of Nonsense!

One day the week prior, Squire Bugiganga was called by a group of highwaymen that he owed their vassal money for medical services provided by him. Squire Bugiganga KNEW he paid the vassal, and upon receiving proof from his financial caretaker, crafted the letter below. Though the body of the text is not very interesting, it is suggested you zoom in to about 500%, or as close to maximum zoom you can go in your browser.

Squire Bugiganga enjoyed scribing this letter, because holds less affection for highwaymen than he does for T-Pain and Marlon Wayans...actually if there was some way Marlon Wayans, T-Pain, R. Kelly, Paris Hilton and a copy of "Soul Plane" were able to combine into one mega-beast like the Decepticon Devestator, Squire Bugiganga's abhoration of that 50-foot conglomeration of humanity's social swill would still pale in comparison for his distaste for highwaymen.

Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Independent Recovery Resources, Inc. Suck it.

Collection Service Suck it.

PO Box 24228 Suck it.

Newark, NJ 07189-0001 Suck it.

+1 (866) 683-2253 Suck it.

Dear Sir or Madam: Suck it.


Subject: Account #1111111

You contacted me twice regarding a debt that I allegedly to Samaritan Medical Center via North County Emergency Medical in Watertown, NY. This debt was in the amount of $150, for an emergency hospital visit I made in January 2008. Suck it.

As I told you twice over the phone, I do NOT owe anything to Samaritan Medical center, as I sent a check for my bill on 06 October 2008, and the check was cashed 14 October 2008. A copy of that check is attached with this letter. Suck it.

I also told you both times that I talked to you to not contact me again, but you did so regardless, one time after 20:00, blatantly ignoring the rules of the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act, 15 U.S.C. §§ 1692-1692p, § 804 and § 805. I have already reported your violations to the Federal Trade Commission, and if you do not wish for me to take civil legal action, you will not contact me again. In addition to removing me from your call list, report to all credit reporting agencies that this is an errant bill, tell Good Samaritan/North County Emergency Medical that I owe them nothing, and, I reiterate: do NOT contact me again. Suck it.

Respectfully, Suck it.

Christopher James Thompson Suck it.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Meeting Notes, Part 4 of 4

Take note: The picture of food is titled "Worst Lunch Ever". It is supposed to be a seafood platter. What was not told before Squire Bugiganga purchased the "platter" was that the food was already eaten and digested by other animals, then regurgitated, deep fried, and sprinkled with the tears of British Victorian orphans and garnished with the tattered hopes and dreams of murdered baby seals. That disk of death on top is supposed to be a crab cake. Squire Bugiganga is from the Land of Mary. You don't ****ing deep fry CRAB CAKES! That thing is an abomination before the eyes of Y-hweh, Zeus, Odin, Isis, and Vishnu. With every second that was in the fryer, a faerie lost its wings and plummeted to its death on the windshield of a Ford F-150 with truck-nuts. Food should not be so repugnant that it makes you want to punch puppies and kittens after consuming it.


ADDENDUM: Many questions arose regarding the “sodomy chair”. There is little known of it. All Squire Bugiganga knows is that one day when the Squires had to go to the basement storage area to look for a circumcised Windows XP Unicorn, they discovered the chair. They looked at the aspects of it: flimsy bike seat, knee rests, solid aluminum bars, a tray under the seat, and wheels. The Squires concluded that there can only be one reason for such an odd chair: This is the instrument used on those who wish for wage increases…None of the Squires will NEVER ask for a raise…EVER.







Meeting Notes, Part 3 of 4

Ye, like the day of yest, Squire Bugiganga is transcribing the details of his work, and therefore has little time to bring you all a tale of shenanigans. Therefore, enjoy the rest of his meeting notes and various things seen in the kingdom.




Monday, June 29, 2009

Meeting Notes, Part 2 of 4

More Notes...with rabbits.




Meeting Notes, Part 1 of 4

Squire Bugiganga is busy doing work of those who have left the company via the Culling. The Nobles decided that they no need for some Squires, so they rounded up 77 of them and gave them a "severance package". The surviving squires were told that they were sent away to find different kingdoms, but it is quite certain that "severance package" means they were taken to the basement, strapped to the Kingdom's sodomy chair, and then beheaded.

Essentially, since Squire Bugiganga is busy being overloaded with the work of people who were beheaded because "there is not enough work to keep them", He has little time to tell a tale of shenanigans and bulls****ery. Instead, examine his notes from meetings past.








Friday, June 26, 2009

Gregor the Disgruntled

This Chronicle of Nonsense may not be funny, but it should be told, for it is a tale of Gregor the Disgruntled, a gentleman and a scholar…ok, he is neither of these, but he was at least a good worker, and he is in the band of Squires who deserves recognition.

Squire Bugiganga met Gregor the Disgruntled during his first week in the workshop. He hardly ever saw him, because he was always traveling to far off lands. Regardless, Gregor was a hard-working Squire. ShaqsDad the Destroyer would always tell him, “Man! You’re killing me! This is all wrong!” This is ShaqsDad’s favourite phrase when he does not understand the logic of one of his squire’s work. Therefore, if it is logical, we shall hear, “You’re killing me!” followed by a trail of expletives. Gregor heard ShaqsDad’s cantor more than any of us. Beside that, Gregor the Disgruntled traveled more than any of the other Squires.

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, you must travel to the Land of the Inbred Orcs! Their castles’ aqueducts are clogged.

GREGOR: Why spend all that gold on travel when I can send them directions via griffin?

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, you’re killing me! Just go!

Gregor: [Grumbles]

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, trek to Valley of the Self-Combusting Goat-Monsters!

GREGOR: But I just returned from the Isle of the Cannibalistic Rat People yesterday. Valley of the Self-Combusting Goat-Monsters is a little bit dangerous, and I can solve there problem remotely for much less gold. If I go, we’d have to hire a band of chimeras for security. Besides, I’ve not seen my daughter in three weeks!

SHAQSDAD: AUGH! Gregor, you’re killing me! You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place!

GREGOR: Actually, it was my wife who got pregnant…

SHAQSDAD: TO THE RAT PEOPLE ISLE WITH YOU! Your flying carriage has been booked already.

GREGOR: [Grumbles]

One day, Gregor was informed that he would have to go to many far off lands on a whirlwind tour. He’d have to go to the Isle of Pot-Smoking Vampire Giraffes, the Land of the Gorilla-Eating Pirates, the Mount of the Technicolour Sodomising Yeti, and New Jersey. Many vaccinations were required, especially for New Jersey, and he would not see his home land for many weeks. He endured the trip, but many times, we’d hear ShaqsDad in his quarters, talking to Gregor, saying his favourite phrase: “Gregor, you’re killing me!” So we knew Gregor was doing a good job.

When Gregor returned this week, and said something in private to ShaqsDad that made him silent for two days: Gregor is leaving the Kingdom of Harris to greener pastures far off to the South. He shall not travel, and he she see his family daily. Many wonder why Gregor would leave the Kingdom of Harris, but the Squires believe it is because he grew tired of having his logical and economically sound ideas be impeded by the phrase “Gregor, you’re killing me!”, especially when, much to the dismay of some, the purveyor of the phrase was definitely not dying…either that, or that final trip to New Jersey was the final straw [Shudder].

Regardless, the Squires pay homage to Squire Gregor the Disgruntled, and hopes the next kingdom for which he works will be much more pleasant.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Pillar of Light

One fine sunny day, Squire Bugiganga went to his place of work and saw before him a large pillar of mirrors. This bewildered him.

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: What is the purpose of this pillar?

INADEQUOUS THE COMPENSATOR: This is a pillar of mirrors! It captures light from the sun and turns it into energy for the Kindgdom and food for the scribes, flying monkeys, and the unicorns with Windows XP, SP 5*. I had the imps build the pillar to test its sun-catching abilities.

Squire Bugiganga sighed and shook his head. He knows of these enchanted mirror pillars. He knows how they work, and of their potential in giving light to the dark corridors of the Kingdom and food to the hungry monkeys, scribes, and unicorns with Windows XP, SP5*. He looked up and asked what he thought was a pertinent question.

SB: If you wish to test the sun-catching power of the pillar of mirrors, why did you not build the pillar OUTSIDE? How can it catch the rays of the sun in this windowless house of ware?

IC: Your question angers me, Squire! My manhood may be small, but my authority is grand! Go do something inconsequential.

Three weeks later, the pillar of mirrors was dismantled at the order of Inadequous. He complained that the pillar did not work properly and caught no rays of sun.

Squire Bugiganga kept seeing "cigarette burns" and then a flash of who he thought was Tyler Durdin urging him to start an underground combat arena to vent his frustrations at the idiocy and was committed to an insane asylum.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wrath of the Nobles/Building of Roads

It has been many moons since Squire Bugiganga has wrote of the tales of his daily labours. This is due in part to the work load he has been given, due to the decisions of the Nobles. Since I last wrote of our efforts, much has transpired:

LATE MAY:

The previously mentioned flying monkeys have a catch (besides the poop-flinging): One can only use the monkeys unlicensed for 30 days. After that, they flee to their cages, will not work unless we purchase keys that unlock the cages. Squire Bugiganga reminded his Noble, ShaqsDad the Destroyer (his name will be explained later), that he needs this in order for the monkeys to continue their journeys. He reminded him early April, and he was told, “Oh, that’s no problem. I’ll get them”. He then reminded him mid-May, and ShaqsDad replied, “Oh, that’s no problem. I’ll get them.” Finally, at the end of the month, the monkeys stopped working, and fire and brimstone were poured upon the squires by Inadequous the Compensator (his name, too, will be explained). When Inadequous demanded to know why the monkeys stopped flying, we explained why, and ShaqsDad finally said something different: “Oh that’s not a BIG problem. I’ll get them.” Note, he said “BIG” this time. We finally got the keys in June.

2nd WEEK OF JUNE:

The kingdom design, though painstakingly intricate, is going well. Large castles, many small manors, and huts are being constructed. Roads must be built from every entrance of every building so that messengers of information can travel in specific directions to their destinations. The roads must be labeled, as do the entrances and exits to all the roads. The Squires thought they had achieved their goal: roads to the small huts travel to the larger manors, then to the larger castles, ultimately to the main bastion. The Kingdom’s citizens will dispatch their goods and supplies by using carriages pulled by Unicorns loaded with Windows XP, Service Pack 5*. A general diagram is attached.

Unfortunately, one Squire, Vlad the Inquisitor, Master of Inconsequential Inquiries, pointed out that in order for his army of faeries to travel, they need their own specific side paths, independent of the Unicorns’ roads. Squire Bugiganga made the 25 paths and labeled them. He then went on to work on other important things, until:

VLAD THE INQUISITOR: Squire Bugiganga, why are all these paths labeled differently?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Because to label all 25 paths the exact same thing may confuse your faeries, and it would cause great confusion throughout the kingdom.

VLAD: But I trained all my faeries exactly the same. They all have the same name: Simon. I do not understand why you would make every road a different name.

BUGIGANGA: [Sighs]…OK, we both live in the hamlet of Roc. If we live at 123 Sesame Street, but you also live at a 123 Sesame Street across town, then we risk getting supplies from that unicorns meant for the wrong person.

VLAD: But I still do not understand…

BUGIGANGA: When you test flew your faeries, did they get to their desired destinations?

VLAD: Yes, but-

[Squire Bugiganga walked away, listening to his iSiren.]

3rd WEEK OF JUNE:

After the altercation with Vlad, something more horrible happened. All was well in the Kingdom. Birds were chirping, bunnies were frolicking, woodland creatures were skipping through the town, for all was nearly finished. Then, ShaqsDad the Destroyer arrived.

It started with a simple issue: Inadequous the Compensator could not get his unicorn to travel from one hamlet to another. Inadequous can be a belligerent person. The squires believe his aggressive attitude has partly to do with the fact that he tries to hide his incompetence, and partly to do with his attempts to compensate for…something…He owns a ridiculously oversized Sports Utility Chariot and a bright red sports carriage…Anyway, the squires knew that he simply did not use the right path to get to the hamlet, but before they could solve the problem easily, ShaqsDad arrived.

Ye, like Shaquille O’Neal’s father before him, ShaqsDad gives no input, assists in no way to the building of the Kingdom, but right when our work is successful and ready to go, he comes in and ****s everything up. He had a TANTRUM. “Why are these roads labeled as such?!?! Why can I not travel to this town?!?!?! I don’t understand this, so it is WRONG!!!!! BLAAAARRRRGH!!!!!!”

The Kingdom, once beautiful and spectacular, had to be redesigned according to ShaqsDad the Destroyer. His diagram is shown below. When the squires asked about the inevitable confusion of the delivery of supplies, like Shaquille O’Neal’s father, he said he had to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned. The squires still have to use his plan, though. The Squires have less than a week to re-change a ½ year of work.

Oh, Joy...



Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mail Server Issues: Alternate Ending!

Brian the Bald pointed out to Squire Bugiganga that the conclusion of the original "Mail Server" Issues simplified a much more idiotic exchange. So ye, like George Lucas before him, Squire Bugiganga presents to you the digitally remastered alternate ending of "Mail Server Issues"...worry not. Jar Jar Binks is not in this:

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: You know what? The monkeys do deliver the mail, but they make a copy of the message before they send them, and keep the copy for themselves. Let's cage the monkeys and use the griffin's.
SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: So you see, we had griffins and didn't need to purchase the monkeys after all.
SHAQSDAD: No, not the free griffins. Use the other griffins that we purchased with the monkeys.
BRIAN THE BALD: Wh---?
SHAQSDAD: (picks up his earpiece) Yes? No, son. No. I said NO. NO! Put your mother on the phone. I told him no. Why did you tell him yes? I shall flog you when I return. Yes. Yes I will. YES! Because I said I will, that's why. Look, now is not a good time. Because it isn't. BECAUSE IT ISN'T! Yes. NO! (then walks away with a dazed look in his eyes) Publish Post

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cast of Characters


Boredom besets me, and I'm not having a good morning at all. Therefore, you must all suffer the wrath of my venting. This is not a story about my job, but a description of some of the characters with whom I work:

Construction of the kingdom is going along as smoothly as one can expect. Let us examine some of the characters who are “helping” with the construction. We know of the Nobles and their follies, but what of all the kings, and the masons, and the squires?

On the construction team is Squire Bugiganga, the narrator of the Tales of the Kingdom of Shenanigans. When he writes of his adventures in the Kingdom, he likes to speak of himself in third person for some reason. He also brings sexy back. He knows not where it went, but he brought it back.

Then there is Yorick the Short. He’s a very skilled engineer, a champion Thai kickboxer, a former enlisted officer in his country’s grand Armada, and a good friend…but he is short. This creeps out Squire Bugiganga, for he thinks short people are creepy. Did they not know of milk when they were growing up? What is wrong with them? Do they even have souls? Are there souls 1/8 the size of normal humans’ souls? Typing this makes Squire Bugiganga shudder…

YORICK THE SHORT: I finished configuring all these routers, and I installed the servers into the racks. All we need to do now is save off all our configurations.

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Man, you're short. I just want to punch you. How'd you even reach the keyboard to do any work?

YORICK: I jumped and guessed what keys I was punching.

BUGIGANGA: Ah, nice...I still want to punch you, though.

YORICK: I have a ball gag and a cat-o-nine tails in the car...

BUGIGANGA: Whoa...

YORICK: Hey, you opened the door, f***er.

BUGIGANGA: Touche.

There is Brian the Bald, Master of “What-She-Said”. Brian is not only a skilled craftsman, and can point out what she said from the vaguest of sentences.

SQUIRE BUGINANGA: I figured out why this card isn’t working! It wasn’t properly seated. You really have to jam that thing into the slot hard and fast if you expect to see any lights and get the router to recognize it’s there.

BRIAN THE BALD: That’s what SHE said!

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Hiyoooooo!

One stand out is the giant, Howvie the Large. He has a special power that he shares with the squires: He can make a suggestion, have it mocked publicly by the Nobles for weeks, and then have his suggestion executed without getting any credit for making the suggestion in the first place. He also has the power to clean up other people’s messes. Amazingly, with all the poop that gets dumped on his on a daily basis, he still seems to smell like roses. Also, he kind of sounds like that Bert from Sesame Street. Unlike Bert, though, his life-partner is a woman. Howvie the Large's favourite phrase: "It's like I'm f***ing Cinderella out here!"

Not all Squires are as productive as the others. There is one, Danistan, the six-foot hummingbird. He means well, but he knows not of what he should, and asks the same question over and over. He does not rephrase the question, he just keeps asking it.

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: When you put paper in the printer and hit "Print" in this application, the printer...well...prints.

DANISTAN: Ah, ok.

[Hours pass]

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: When you put paper in the printer and hit "Print" in this application, the printer...well...prints.

DANISTAN: Ah, ok.

[Days later]

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Inside each printer is a tiny enchanted forest inhabitant but tiny multicoloured woodland imps. They know of our existence and think of us as gods. When we wish for a document to be printed, we stare at the printer and silently demand our document to be printed. The imps, who are telepathic, hear our silent demands, and to avoid horrible head-exploding aneurysms (sp), raze their forest homes and murder their elders to use their blood as ink for the files we wish to be printed. For each page, it takes 1,000 imps and 5,000 trees, but time inside the enchanted imp forest is much faster than in the normal world, so by the time we wish for another document to be printed, their forest is replenished, and they have enough elders to sacrifice.

DANISTAN: Ah, ok

[Weeks later]

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

[Squire Bugiganga's head explodes]

Worse, when the good Squires try to work, Danistan hovers very closely, about 50 centimetres behind us. One does not notice he is there, but can feel his presence. The hairs on the back of our neck stand on end as he hovers, wings flapping at 70 beats per second. Attached is an artist’s rendering of how this feels.

This was not a tale, but when Squire Bugiganga tells a story, hopefully, you will recognize the names.

-Squire Bugiganga

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Disappointment - Medicloreans

this is not a Chronicle of Nonense as much as it is a thought of the day...however, if you have never watched Star Wars, it is nonsensical.

Disappointment is thinking you REALLY have to poop, but when you go to the bathroom, you only let out a silent fart.

It's like when you go your whole life thinking the Force is something mystical and magical, only to find out in Episode I that it's essentially nothing but a bacterial infection. Jedi's have Space E. Coli. That's just great...And Jar Jar Binks? Seriously?!?!! What happened; did Warner Brothers still hold the rights to Buckwheat? Thanks for collectively tea-bagging all your fans when you told them to wait blindfolded for a big surprise, Lucas. Jerk.

...Yeah, I'm that bored.

-I.B.

Friday, May 22, 2009

The Tale of the Kosher Unicorns

This is why I'm leaving at 2 today:


The Squires have been telling the Nobles for the last three months that if we expect to pack up and move our system of castles to the Kings on time, we should compartment the work: All the drawbridges to be assembled in the same place, all the flying monkeys trained in the same place, all the carriages built, etc., then we take each part and put the castles together at once. The Nobles scoffed at this notion, because it would require extra work up front.


Squire Bugiganga just received the notes from a meeting Inadequous the Compensator had today. It stated, "if we expect to pack up and move our system of castles to the Kings on time, we should compartment the work: All the drawbridges to be assembled in the same place, all the flying monkeys trained in the same place, all the carriages built, etc., then we take each part and put the castles together at once…by the way, this was totally my idea, and did not get it from anyone else. I’m so smart."


Oh, and the Squires were to circumcise all the unicorns by today and put Windows XP, SP 5 on them*. Five minutes after the last snip, Inadequous told Squire Bugiganga that the unicorns need to be uncircumcised. Much like a baby at a bris, you can't un-circumcise a unicorn. It's gone; they're kosher and there's nothing anyone can do about it.


I changed my mind. I'm leaving at 1:30.

*for those of you who protest and say, “Windows XP is not a mythological creature! You’re getting lazy, Bugiganga!”, I say to you, Windows XP may exist, but SP5 does NOT! Therefore it is a fictional entity. So there. >:-p

Monday, May 18, 2009

Comatose Monkeys

The Squire Bugiganga entered the kingdom early today, thinking it would be a good day. He opened his box of messages and had three "important" scrolls in it already.


Noble’s Email: "Help! The Kings (about whom the Nobles all talk as if they are complete ignoramuses) tried to send scrolls via the flying monkeys on Friday, and they could not! Then I tried to use the monkeys, and they would not work for me either. You must go find out why the monkeys won't fly, and guide the Kings’ squires step-by-step on how to make the monkeys fly again! This must be done NOW!!!!"


The Squire found the Kings’ Squire and went to the stall where the monkeys were held and immediately saw the problem: The monkeys were asleep. He saw that the monkeys’ eyes were closed. He also saw the SIGN on the stall door saying, "The Monkeys Are Asleep." The Noble TOLD the Squires to put said sign on the stall door. He did not understand, though, that monkeys cannot fly if they are asleep.


...This is Squire Bugiganga’s Monday.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mail Server Issues: Digitally Remastered

Because most of what I do at work is classified or at a minimum Morondor proprietary, and since a lot of you don’t speak Dorkistani, I am going to replace all technological terms and processes with mythological and fictional creatures.

OCTOBER

Inadequous the Compensator: We need you squires to give us a quote for a series of castle estates. Each castle needs a message transit system, perhaps a bunch of flying monkeys that can carry mail from one castle to the other.

Squire Bugiganga: That sounds easy. What type of mail? Just scrolls, or will you send large boxes of frankincense and unicorn horns also?

Inadequous: Only scrolls.

Squire Bugiganga: No problem. We’ll have a quote for you shortly.

2 WEEKS LATER

S.B.: I have a quote for the castles and the message system. However, if we are only sending scrolls, the castles come with a herd of griffins that can carry all the scrolls you want with no problem. There is really no need for the flying monkeys. That would just be a waste of gold.

THEY: Well, keep the quote for the flying monkeys. We’ll probably go with that anyway.

S.B.: But we’ll save more gold by omitting-

THEY: Keep. The. Monkeys.

JANUARY [The castles have been ordered and arrived. The monkeys have yet to come.]

Inadequous: Where are the monkeys? How did you order the monkeys?

S.B.: I submitted the quotes for the monkeys to you, so I do not know where they could be. Are you sure you ordered them?

Inadequous: Yes, I received the quote and sent them to the scribes who order all things for the kingdom, but since I can’t ask them because I annoyed them too much with my inquiries, I’m going to go ahead and blame you for the lateness.

S.B.: Well the lead time is over three months. If you ordered the monkeys in December, We might not see the monkeys until March, possibly early April.

Inadequous: SILENCE! I blame all things on YOU! You are wrong! I want my monkeys NOW! Early April is not soon enough!

EARLY APRIL

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: We now have the monkeys. We need you to train them so that they’ll send the mail.

Brian the Bald: OK, but will take a bit of time. Flying monkeys naturally conflict with the griffins that are already in the castle.

INADEQUOUS: Well the monkeys will be better for sending mail anyway.

S.B.: Oh, so you have a degree in mythological zoology and know this for a fact? Because we do, and have not seen anything in our years of experience with mail-carrying fake animals indicating that.

INADEQUOUS: Stupid squires. You know not of which you speak! We have been here for longer than you, therefore, we are smarter! It doesn’t matter that our degrees are in Royal Fellatio, which has nothing to do with your degree! We know more than all!

TODAY

S.B.: The flying monkeys are all trained and are consistently sending the mail scrolls all over the kingdom with no snags.

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: Yes, but the monkeys keep flinging poop at the recipients’ castles every time they deliver a message.

Brian the Bald: Well, that is actually pointed out in the flying monkey training guide. It is part of what the monkeys do when they send messages, which is why they are usually only used for sending very large messages.

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: That’s annoying. The kings only want to send scrolls back and forth. What’s the point in using flying monkeys if all they’re sending is scrolls? They’re making such a mess with the poop. Doesn’t the castle come with a herd of scroll-carrying griffins? We should have just used them.

[The squires’ heads explode after being subjected to toxic amounts of stupidity]

...4 more hours.

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