Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Meeting Notes, Part 4 of 4

Take note: The picture of food is titled "Worst Lunch Ever". It is supposed to be a seafood platter. What was not told before Squire Bugiganga purchased the "platter" was that the food was already eaten and digested by other animals, then regurgitated, deep fried, and sprinkled with the tears of British Victorian orphans and garnished with the tattered hopes and dreams of murdered baby seals. That disk of death on top is supposed to be a crab cake. Squire Bugiganga is from the Land of Mary. You don't ****ing deep fry CRAB CAKES! That thing is an abomination before the eyes of Y-hweh, Zeus, Odin, Isis, and Vishnu. With every second that was in the fryer, a faerie lost its wings and plummeted to its death on the windshield of a Ford F-150 with truck-nuts. Food should not be so repugnant that it makes you want to punch puppies and kittens after consuming it.


ADDENDUM: Many questions arose regarding the “sodomy chair”. There is little known of it. All Squire Bugiganga knows is that one day when the Squires had to go to the basement storage area to look for a circumcised Windows XP Unicorn, they discovered the chair. They looked at the aspects of it: flimsy bike seat, knee rests, solid aluminum bars, a tray under the seat, and wheels. The Squires concluded that there can only be one reason for such an odd chair: This is the instrument used on those who wish for wage increases…None of the Squires will NEVER ask for a raise…EVER.







Meeting Notes, Part 3 of 4

Ye, like the day of yest, Squire Bugiganga is transcribing the details of his work, and therefore has little time to bring you all a tale of shenanigans. Therefore, enjoy the rest of his meeting notes and various things seen in the kingdom.




Monday, June 29, 2009

Meeting Notes, Part 2 of 4

More Notes...with rabbits.




Meeting Notes, Part 1 of 4

Squire Bugiganga is busy doing work of those who have left the company via the Culling. The Nobles decided that they no need for some Squires, so they rounded up 77 of them and gave them a "severance package". The surviving squires were told that they were sent away to find different kingdoms, but it is quite certain that "severance package" means they were taken to the basement, strapped to the Kingdom's sodomy chair, and then beheaded.

Essentially, since Squire Bugiganga is busy being overloaded with the work of people who were beheaded because "there is not enough work to keep them", He has little time to tell a tale of shenanigans and bulls****ery. Instead, examine his notes from meetings past.








Friday, June 26, 2009

Gregor the Disgruntled

This Chronicle of Nonsense may not be funny, but it should be told, for it is a tale of Gregor the Disgruntled, a gentleman and a scholar…ok, he is neither of these, but he was at least a good worker, and he is in the band of Squires who deserves recognition.

Squire Bugiganga met Gregor the Disgruntled during his first week in the workshop. He hardly ever saw him, because he was always traveling to far off lands. Regardless, Gregor was a hard-working Squire. ShaqsDad the Destroyer would always tell him, “Man! You’re killing me! This is all wrong!” This is ShaqsDad’s favourite phrase when he does not understand the logic of one of his squire’s work. Therefore, if it is logical, we shall hear, “You’re killing me!” followed by a trail of expletives. Gregor heard ShaqsDad’s cantor more than any of us. Beside that, Gregor the Disgruntled traveled more than any of the other Squires.

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, you must travel to the Land of the Inbred Orcs! Their castles’ aqueducts are clogged.

GREGOR: Why spend all that gold on travel when I can send them directions via griffin?

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, you’re killing me! Just go!

Gregor: [Grumbles]

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, trek to Valley of the Self-Combusting Goat-Monsters!

GREGOR: But I just returned from the Isle of the Cannibalistic Rat People yesterday. Valley of the Self-Combusting Goat-Monsters is a little bit dangerous, and I can solve there problem remotely for much less gold. If I go, we’d have to hire a band of chimeras for security. Besides, I’ve not seen my daughter in three weeks!

SHAQSDAD: AUGH! Gregor, you’re killing me! You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place!

GREGOR: Actually, it was my wife who got pregnant…

SHAQSDAD: TO THE RAT PEOPLE ISLE WITH YOU! Your flying carriage has been booked already.

GREGOR: [Grumbles]

One day, Gregor was informed that he would have to go to many far off lands on a whirlwind tour. He’d have to go to the Isle of Pot-Smoking Vampire Giraffes, the Land of the Gorilla-Eating Pirates, the Mount of the Technicolour Sodomising Yeti, and New Jersey. Many vaccinations were required, especially for New Jersey, and he would not see his home land for many weeks. He endured the trip, but many times, we’d hear ShaqsDad in his quarters, talking to Gregor, saying his favourite phrase: “Gregor, you’re killing me!” So we knew Gregor was doing a good job.

When Gregor returned this week, and said something in private to ShaqsDad that made him silent for two days: Gregor is leaving the Kingdom of Harris to greener pastures far off to the South. He shall not travel, and he she see his family daily. Many wonder why Gregor would leave the Kingdom of Harris, but the Squires believe it is because he grew tired of having his logical and economically sound ideas be impeded by the phrase “Gregor, you’re killing me!”, especially when, much to the dismay of some, the purveyor of the phrase was definitely not dying…either that, or that final trip to New Jersey was the final straw [Shudder].

Regardless, the Squires pay homage to Squire Gregor the Disgruntled, and hopes the next kingdom for which he works will be much more pleasant.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Pillar of Light

One fine sunny day, Squire Bugiganga went to his place of work and saw before him a large pillar of mirrors. This bewildered him.

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: What is the purpose of this pillar?

INADEQUOUS THE COMPENSATOR: This is a pillar of mirrors! It captures light from the sun and turns it into energy for the Kindgdom and food for the scribes, flying monkeys, and the unicorns with Windows XP, SP 5*. I had the imps build the pillar to test its sun-catching abilities.

Squire Bugiganga sighed and shook his head. He knows of these enchanted mirror pillars. He knows how they work, and of their potential in giving light to the dark corridors of the Kingdom and food to the hungry monkeys, scribes, and unicorns with Windows XP, SP5*. He looked up and asked what he thought was a pertinent question.

SB: If you wish to test the sun-catching power of the pillar of mirrors, why did you not build the pillar OUTSIDE? How can it catch the rays of the sun in this windowless house of ware?

IC: Your question angers me, Squire! My manhood may be small, but my authority is grand! Go do something inconsequential.

Three weeks later, the pillar of mirrors was dismantled at the order of Inadequous. He complained that the pillar did not work properly and caught no rays of sun.

Squire Bugiganga kept seeing "cigarette burns" and then a flash of who he thought was Tyler Durdin urging him to start an underground combat arena to vent his frustrations at the idiocy and was committed to an insane asylum.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Wrath of the Nobles/Building of Roads

It has been many moons since Squire Bugiganga has wrote of the tales of his daily labours. This is due in part to the work load he has been given, due to the decisions of the Nobles. Since I last wrote of our efforts, much has transpired:

LATE MAY:

The previously mentioned flying monkeys have a catch (besides the poop-flinging): One can only use the monkeys unlicensed for 30 days. After that, they flee to their cages, will not work unless we purchase keys that unlock the cages. Squire Bugiganga reminded his Noble, ShaqsDad the Destroyer (his name will be explained later), that he needs this in order for the monkeys to continue their journeys. He reminded him early April, and he was told, “Oh, that’s no problem. I’ll get them”. He then reminded him mid-May, and ShaqsDad replied, “Oh, that’s no problem. I’ll get them.” Finally, at the end of the month, the monkeys stopped working, and fire and brimstone were poured upon the squires by Inadequous the Compensator (his name, too, will be explained). When Inadequous demanded to know why the monkeys stopped flying, we explained why, and ShaqsDad finally said something different: “Oh that’s not a BIG problem. I’ll get them.” Note, he said “BIG” this time. We finally got the keys in June.

2nd WEEK OF JUNE:

The kingdom design, though painstakingly intricate, is going well. Large castles, many small manors, and huts are being constructed. Roads must be built from every entrance of every building so that messengers of information can travel in specific directions to their destinations. The roads must be labeled, as do the entrances and exits to all the roads. The Squires thought they had achieved their goal: roads to the small huts travel to the larger manors, then to the larger castles, ultimately to the main bastion. The Kingdom’s citizens will dispatch their goods and supplies by using carriages pulled by Unicorns loaded with Windows XP, Service Pack 5*. A general diagram is attached.

Unfortunately, one Squire, Vlad the Inquisitor, Master of Inconsequential Inquiries, pointed out that in order for his army of faeries to travel, they need their own specific side paths, independent of the Unicorns’ roads. Squire Bugiganga made the 25 paths and labeled them. He then went on to work on other important things, until:

VLAD THE INQUISITOR: Squire Bugiganga, why are all these paths labeled differently?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Because to label all 25 paths the exact same thing may confuse your faeries, and it would cause great confusion throughout the kingdom.

VLAD: But I trained all my faeries exactly the same. They all have the same name: Simon. I do not understand why you would make every road a different name.

BUGIGANGA: [Sighs]…OK, we both live in the hamlet of Roc. If we live at 123 Sesame Street, but you also live at a 123 Sesame Street across town, then we risk getting supplies from that unicorns meant for the wrong person.

VLAD: But I still do not understand…

BUGIGANGA: When you test flew your faeries, did they get to their desired destinations?

VLAD: Yes, but-

[Squire Bugiganga walked away, listening to his iSiren.]

3rd WEEK OF JUNE:

After the altercation with Vlad, something more horrible happened. All was well in the Kingdom. Birds were chirping, bunnies were frolicking, woodland creatures were skipping through the town, for all was nearly finished. Then, ShaqsDad the Destroyer arrived.

It started with a simple issue: Inadequous the Compensator could not get his unicorn to travel from one hamlet to another. Inadequous can be a belligerent person. The squires believe his aggressive attitude has partly to do with the fact that he tries to hide his incompetence, and partly to do with his attempts to compensate for…something…He owns a ridiculously oversized Sports Utility Chariot and a bright red sports carriage…Anyway, the squires knew that he simply did not use the right path to get to the hamlet, but before they could solve the problem easily, ShaqsDad arrived.

Ye, like Shaquille O’Neal’s father before him, ShaqsDad gives no input, assists in no way to the building of the Kingdom, but right when our work is successful and ready to go, he comes in and ****s everything up. He had a TANTRUM. “Why are these roads labeled as such?!?! Why can I not travel to this town?!?!?! I don’t understand this, so it is WRONG!!!!! BLAAAARRRRGH!!!!!!”

The Kingdom, once beautiful and spectacular, had to be redesigned according to ShaqsDad the Destroyer. His diagram is shown below. When the squires asked about the inevitable confusion of the delivery of supplies, like Shaquille O’Neal’s father, he said he had to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned. The squires still have to use his plan, though. The Squires have less than a week to re-change a ½ year of work.

Oh, Joy...



Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mail Server Issues: Alternate Ending!

Brian the Bald pointed out to Squire Bugiganga that the conclusion of the original "Mail Server" Issues simplified a much more idiotic exchange. So ye, like George Lucas before him, Squire Bugiganga presents to you the digitally remastered alternate ending of "Mail Server Issues"...worry not. Jar Jar Binks is not in this:

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: You know what? The monkeys do deliver the mail, but they make a copy of the message before they send them, and keep the copy for themselves. Let's cage the monkeys and use the griffin's.
SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: So you see, we had griffins and didn't need to purchase the monkeys after all.
SHAQSDAD: No, not the free griffins. Use the other griffins that we purchased with the monkeys.
BRIAN THE BALD: Wh---?
SHAQSDAD: (picks up his earpiece) Yes? No, son. No. I said NO. NO! Put your mother on the phone. I told him no. Why did you tell him yes? I shall flog you when I return. Yes. Yes I will. YES! Because I said I will, that's why. Look, now is not a good time. Because it isn't. BECAUSE IT ISN'T! Yes. NO! (then walks away with a dazed look in his eyes) Publish Post

Friday, June 5, 2009

Cast of Characters


Boredom besets me, and I'm not having a good morning at all. Therefore, you must all suffer the wrath of my venting. This is not a story about my job, but a description of some of the characters with whom I work:

Construction of the kingdom is going along as smoothly as one can expect. Let us examine some of the characters who are “helping” with the construction. We know of the Nobles and their follies, but what of all the kings, and the masons, and the squires?

On the construction team is Squire Bugiganga, the narrator of the Tales of the Kingdom of Shenanigans. When he writes of his adventures in the Kingdom, he likes to speak of himself in third person for some reason. He also brings sexy back. He knows not where it went, but he brought it back.

Then there is Yorick the Short. He’s a very skilled engineer, a champion Thai kickboxer, a former enlisted officer in his country’s grand Armada, and a good friend…but he is short. This creeps out Squire Bugiganga, for he thinks short people are creepy. Did they not know of milk when they were growing up? What is wrong with them? Do they even have souls? Are there souls 1/8 the size of normal humans’ souls? Typing this makes Squire Bugiganga shudder…

YORICK THE SHORT: I finished configuring all these routers, and I installed the servers into the racks. All we need to do now is save off all our configurations.

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Man, you're short. I just want to punch you. How'd you even reach the keyboard to do any work?

YORICK: I jumped and guessed what keys I was punching.

BUGIGANGA: Ah, nice...I still want to punch you, though.

YORICK: I have a ball gag and a cat-o-nine tails in the car...

BUGIGANGA: Whoa...

YORICK: Hey, you opened the door, f***er.

BUGIGANGA: Touche.

There is Brian the Bald, Master of “What-She-Said”. Brian is not only a skilled craftsman, and can point out what she said from the vaguest of sentences.

SQUIRE BUGINANGA: I figured out why this card isn’t working! It wasn’t properly seated. You really have to jam that thing into the slot hard and fast if you expect to see any lights and get the router to recognize it’s there.

BRIAN THE BALD: That’s what SHE said!

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Hiyoooooo!

One stand out is the giant, Howvie the Large. He has a special power that he shares with the squires: He can make a suggestion, have it mocked publicly by the Nobles for weeks, and then have his suggestion executed without getting any credit for making the suggestion in the first place. He also has the power to clean up other people’s messes. Amazingly, with all the poop that gets dumped on his on a daily basis, he still seems to smell like roses. Also, he kind of sounds like that Bert from Sesame Street. Unlike Bert, though, his life-partner is a woman. Howvie the Large's favourite phrase: "It's like I'm f***ing Cinderella out here!"

Not all Squires are as productive as the others. There is one, Danistan, the six-foot hummingbird. He means well, but he knows not of what he should, and asks the same question over and over. He does not rephrase the question, he just keeps asking it.

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: When you put paper in the printer and hit "Print" in this application, the printer...well...prints.

DANISTAN: Ah, ok.

[Hours pass]

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: When you put paper in the printer and hit "Print" in this application, the printer...well...prints.

DANISTAN: Ah, ok.

[Days later]

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: Inside each printer is a tiny enchanted forest inhabitant but tiny multicoloured woodland imps. They know of our existence and think of us as gods. When we wish for a document to be printed, we stare at the printer and silently demand our document to be printed. The imps, who are telepathic, hear our silent demands, and to avoid horrible head-exploding aneurysms (sp), raze their forest homes and murder their elders to use their blood as ink for the files we wish to be printed. For each page, it takes 1,000 imps and 5,000 trees, but time inside the enchanted imp forest is much faster than in the normal world, so by the time we wish for another document to be printed, their forest is replenished, and they have enough elders to sacrifice.

DANISTAN: Ah, ok

[Weeks later]

DANISTAN: So how does this printer work?

[Squire Bugiganga's head explodes]

Worse, when the good Squires try to work, Danistan hovers very closely, about 50 centimetres behind us. One does not notice he is there, but can feel his presence. The hairs on the back of our neck stand on end as he hovers, wings flapping at 70 beats per second. Attached is an artist’s rendering of how this feels.

This was not a tale, but when Squire Bugiganga tells a story, hopefully, you will recognize the names.

-Squire Bugiganga

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Disappointment - Medicloreans

this is not a Chronicle of Nonense as much as it is a thought of the day...however, if you have never watched Star Wars, it is nonsensical.

Disappointment is thinking you REALLY have to poop, but when you go to the bathroom, you only let out a silent fart.

It's like when you go your whole life thinking the Force is something mystical and magical, only to find out in Episode I that it's essentially nothing but a bacterial infection. Jedi's have Space E. Coli. That's just great...And Jar Jar Binks? Seriously?!?!! What happened; did Warner Brothers still hold the rights to Buckwheat? Thanks for collectively tea-bagging all your fans when you told them to wait blindfolded for a big surprise, Lucas. Jerk.

...Yeah, I'm that bored.

-I.B.

Disqus for The Chronicles of Nonsense

Follow by Email