Monday, August 31, 2009

Proper Noble Etiquette

A good leader leads by example. Therefore, Squire Bugiganga now knows that it is perfectly fine to berate his offspring via carrier pigeon while in the middle of training other squires, who also happen to be important liaisons from yonder kingdoms. The ensuing awkward silence and stares of bewilderment mean that they respect you and admire you.

Case in point: Squire Bugiganga proctored a two-week training class for a group of squires from the Land of the Stans. One part of the course was taught by ShaqsDad the Destroyer. Whilst teaching, his carrier pigeon beckoned with a question from one of his younger offspring. He immediately stopped in mid-sentence and took care of the issue he had with the child. It was definitely more important than his task at hand:

So now what you want to do is ma-[pigeon beckons, The Destroyer answers]…Yes?...No…No, Thaddeus! Do not call your mother!...The jar is in the right cabinet…Shut up…shut up, and listen to me!...The right cabinet, where it always is!...Then look there!...[Squires from the Land of the Stans look in bewilderment and slight fear]…Thaddeus, if you cant find it, then find something else to eat!...Do not call me back…Do not!...Goodbye, Thaddeus.

Moments later, Thaddeus called back:

What?!...It’s IN the CLOSET!...I said that before!...No!...No, I did NOT say “cabinet”!...You know what? Call your mother. I don’t have time for this…LOOK IN THE CLOSET!

When he put his carrier pigeon away, the Squires had a look of horror and disdain on their faces. They were so impressed and enamoured by ShaqsDad’s mid-training interruption. They were so enamoured, they nearly dropped their contract with the Kingdom of MoronDor.

Squire Bugiganga is very happy to have such great leaders to emulate. He now knows the best way to treat a customer. He will forget all the etiquette he learned in his previous kingdoms, one of them being a Noble himself, and learn this new, abrasive way of action. Boy, Squire Bugiganga is so happy, he could kick a Care Bear.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Keystone Copsonomics and Unicorn Scribes

Whilst we toil at our desks, the Squires use their magic windows to converse with each other. The following Chronicle of Nonsense is a chat log from said magic windows that occurred between Brian the Bald and Squire Bugiganga a few fornights ago. Names of countries and companies have been changed to protect their anonymity…also, it makes this funnier…

Squire Bugiganga says: Your life sucks.

Brian the Bald says: Right now it does, but The Land of Sand and Riches is WAAAAAAAAY better planned and managed than the Kingdom of Stans.

S.B. says: The Iraq war is waaayyy better managed than the Kingdom of Stans.

Brian the Bald says: Yeah, because we finally had a smart guy to come in and clean the mess up. The Kingdom of Stans just kept adding moronic Nobles to the mix.

S.B. says: It's keystone copsonomics.

B.B. says: ? What is copsonomics? Vhat eez dis vord?

S.B. says: I should have hyphenated: Keystone-Cops-onomics. It's when you take a lucrative venture and royally f*** it up by putting a bunch of idiots on the project...eventually the workplace looks like a Benny Hill skit

B.B. says: Ah yes...AKA: The Morondor Way. "It's the way it's always been done."

S.B. says: That's more famous than "you're killing me!"

B.B. says: Morondor's new motto. "Same shit."

[15 minutes later]

B.B. says: My Land-of-Sand-and-Riches meeting was canceled because the wireless harnesses for the unicorn scribes weren't working in 2 separate conference stables.

B.B. says: So, due to technical difficulties, nothing could be accomplished.

B.B. says: I love it. God forbid we have to resort back to wired peripherals... or even pen and paper instead of the unicorn scribes!

S.B. says: Holy crap!

S.B. says: That is AWESOME!

B.B. says: Mediocrity at its finest.

S.B. says: Sweet Jesus Vasquez...If I believed in hell, this place would be going there fast.

S.B. says: Wait...I do. This place is going to Watertown.

B.B. says: :-p Watertown

S.B. says: You realize that is going to be a Chronicle of Nonsense.

B.B. says: J

…And thus was bourne this Chronicle of Nonsense.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The Fall & Rise of Squire Bugiganga

Squire Bugiganga has been kicked off the major project for which he has toiled for many moons. His next assignment is to toil on the project for which he has already toiled for many moons. Does this make sense to you? Has your intrepid nuanced narrator lost you? Perhaps the dialogue will help you:

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: Look, I’m going to level with you: ‘people’ are not happy with your performance on this project, so I’m pulling you from it.

SQUIRE BUGIGANGA: But I did everything I was told to do and then some! I cleaned up the loopholes in all plans and bridged all gaps in the paths of the castles! I don’t understand why I am being pulled off!

SHAQSDAD: Well, ‘people’ are tired of going behind you and fixing things. It takes away manpower from the other things we have to do. Yorick has had to go behind you and correct many things.

S.B.: But the entire kingdom I created worked fine without the ‘corrections’. All you had Yorick do was model the kingdom after what you wished. Had I known you wanted all roads converging, I could have done that in the first place.

SD.D.: It matters not now. The Nobles have spoken. I have a new project for you. You must now train the Squires who have come from yonder on how to take care of the Kingdom you created.

S.B.: But I thought you said I was off the project.

SD.D.: You are.

S.B.: …If I am off the project, then I shouldn’t be training anyone regarding the project. That would make it look like I am on the project.

SD.D.: No, you are definitely off the project. Now, I need you to create and collect scrolls regarding all the work you did on the project.

S.B.: Um…would that not require me to stay on the project?

SD.D.: No it won’t. You are definitely off the project. Moving on, you will collect your salary from the same pot of gold that you have been collecting it. It is the pot specifically for the project.

S.B.: [Migraine sets in]…So I am no longer on the project, but I must teach the Squires from yonder, I must make scrolls of instruction, and I must collect my salary from the same project pot.

SD.D.: When you say it like that, it sounds like you are still on the project. But you are definitely off the project. By the way, when the second phase of the project starts, I need you to work on it. You’re off the project, by the way.

S.B.: …What's the guy's name on first base?

SD.D.: No. What is on second.

S.B.: I'm not asking you who's on second.

SD.D.: Who's on first.

S.B.: I don't know.

SD.D.: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

S.B.: Now how did I get on third base?

SD.D.: Why you mentioned his name.

S.B.: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

SD.D.: No. Who's playing first.

S.B.: What's on first?

SD.D.: What's on second.

S.B.: I don't know.

SD.D. & S.B.: Third Base!

Does it all make sense now, dear reader? Your nonsensical narrator hopes so, then you can explain it to him.

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