Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Occupy Lowes!

It's been about a week since news broke that Lowe's pulled its ads from the TLC show "All American Muslim", a reality show that follows a group of Muslim families in Dearborn, MI. They pulled their ads from the show because the Florida Family Association urged it, and other advertisers, to not support the show According to FFA,  the show hides the "clear and present danger" that Islam poses to America and its traditional values. In a nutshell, because "All American Muslim" DOESN'T show Islam as a way of life that is focused on extreme jihadist ideology and the erosion of American culture one suicide bomb at a time, FFA thinks it must be shut down.

The best part about this whole circus is that the center ring, the actual show, is actually boring. Do you know why it's boring? Because American Muslims are BORING! So are Christian Americans! So are Jewish Americans! So are Atheist Americans! American family life is boring, marvelously boring, and this show exemplifies that point! Different people don't have agendas. They're too busy cleaning the poop off their newborns' butts and maintaining parallel arguments with their angst-filled teenage offspring and their in-law elders. There is no shame in being boring. The American public should see first-hand the mundaneness of "American Muslim" life. This is how understanding and acceptance spreads and how we cut off the hate off of which the FFA is getting so high.

Isn't it great that we live in a country where companies cowtow to hate groups? What's next? Will Home Depot pull its ads from syndicated reruns of "The Cosby Show", because N.O.F.E.A.R. contests that the idea of an upper middle class black family is in conflict with their image of African Americans being listless, project-dwelling drug dealers who can barely read, let alone speak in full sentences? What the f***, America? It's the 21st f***ing century, and we're STILL letting the bigots win! They are just as much terrorists as the ones they claim AAM is hiding! I was going to call for an occupying of Lowe's, but it looks like some industrious individuals have started that already. I would, however, encourage anyone so inclined to return any items they can to their local Lowe's. I returned what I can, and when they asked for a reason, I just said, "Because your PR are cowards". I can't believe that anyone that big would bow to a f***ing hate group that veils itself in scripture. If you think this is overreacting, Google Florida Family Association. See all the homophobic, anti-Islamic, anti-EVERYTHING they spew. I would just link it, but I refuse to have a link to that filth on my blog. Lowe's just lost a LONG TIME customer, but that doesn't mean Home Depot a customer. F*** them both. My new friendly brick & mortar shop is Mayer. :-)  It's much easier to go local: www.local.com.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Kim Is Dead. Long Live the Kim.

Unless you've been living under a rock, or if you don't know what iTunes is, you have already heard that Kim Jong Il is dead. According to North Korean state news, he died of "overwork"...riiiight...You know and I know that b**** had cancer and/or a stroke.

Anyway, I'm not here to talk about how messed up the North Korean government has been to its citizens during Kim Jong Il's reign. We all know how he's let millions die of starvation, and those unfortunate enough not to die was brainwashed into thinking that every flaw of his own regime is the fault of outside governments. You know you've got juice when you can have a rolling blackout in your own country, and you have the public so well trained, that they automatically blame the "bloody Americans". What concerns me is the flurry of subsequent "happy" status updates that popped out when the news broke. The same thing happened when Osama bin Laden died. I'll admit that I was caught up in the deluge back then, and I'm not so proud of it. bin Laden was responsible for some quite horrid stuff, but rejoicing in his death awakened a dark part of every one's self conscience to seek blood for blood, which would always lead to more blood-letting.

Yes, Kim Jong Il is dead, but with the risk of looking like a pessimist, I highly doubt that the plight of the North Korean people will change much. His son will probably be in charge. The government is now a well oiled machine in which they can easily set in a cog to pose as the face of the regime, but true regime change will probably not happen. I hope I'm wrong. I hope that Kim Jong Un will make some major changes in the way the government runs and how it treats its people. Until then, perhaps we should reserve our applause for when something really changes in the Korean peninsula. How/when is that going to happen? I don't know, but I know it didn't happen when the "dear leader" passed.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

What I'd Say to Newt Gingrich

Everyone has heard Newt Gingrich say this:

He then expounded, and suggested that custodial unions be disbanded/fired, and the students of the public schools do janitorial labour on their own school in order to learn the work ethic that they don't see at home.

Of course, response is as you'd expect it: There were some initial angry responses from the left noting that the notion of inner city kids only knowing crime as a way of life was veiled racism, and applaud and agreement with his statement from the right , dishing up the notion that poor people are poor because it's their own fault, and some veiled racist statements for garnish. After all, this IS America. What's a political statement without a smattering of racism?

As the dust settled, though, we got some better, well-versed essays, like Travon Free's An Open Letter to Newt Gingrich from a Black Kid Who Grew Up in a Poor Neighbourhood. I liked it, and agree with most of what he said, as I was a poor black kid, too, and identified with much of what he said. There were some less educated essays that sounded smart, like Gene Marks' If I Were a Poor Black Kid in Forbes. Mr. Marks' ideas would be great, but he assumes a lot of public schools. They are NOT all bastions of technology and world access as he infers. The money that would have funded a lot of the avenues he says poor black kids should use has been cut due to lack of public funding. Education initiatives are always one of the main items on the chopping block when Congress wants to cut funds. However, they have the audacity to complain when our children are falling behind in education compared to the rest of the world! Also, Marks assumes that children have adult brains, and would figure out on their own that their home environment is not an ideal one, and that they would just automatically know that there are ways to progress. His was just a callous statement all together that served more to troll for internet acrimony than resolve any issues.

A friend asked me if Forbes asked me to write about being a poor black kid, would it sound something like Travon Free's open letter. I think it would, but more attuned to what actually happened to me.

I wouldn't put bring up race, because that is precisely what he'd want you to do, so that he could then say you're a race-baiter, and that's all lefties do, because racism doesn't exist in this country any more...unless, of course a black Republican candidate gets caught sexually harassing women or f***ing someone behind his wife's back for 13 years. Then, all of a sudden, it's blatant racism. But I digress...

This is what I would say to Mr. Gingrich and Mr. Marks, for that matter:
Dear Mr. Gingrich and Mr. Marks,
Your "solutions" to rid this country of poverty are flawed in a major way. Your quick dismissal of the poor youth as either being surrounded by shiftless criminals as role models or surrounded by opportunities that they choose not to utilise show how little you know of the country in which you live. I grew up in two poor areas of the country. Though worlds apart, a key similarity glared through. It was not the role models with no work habits that held children back. On the contrary, the parents and adults that I saw worked tirelessly, to the point that I barely saw them. They worked two and three jobs, sometimes starting from 4:00am, and not getting home until well after 9:00pm. They would work on all days, including weekends. There was a criminal element, yes, but most children were shielded from that by our caring parents/guardians.
What held children back was the lack of protection from threats closer to home. Many of us suffered physical, mental, and other abuse, if not at home, than from people we were told we could and should trust, and no one did anything about it. Our cries for help fell on deaf ears. Therefore, we thought it was normal to be treated as such, no matter how horrifying it was. It wasn't until we got a little bit older that some of us realised there was something very wrong with was was happening, and were determined to change it. We didn't have to clean toilets to learn that we did not want to be in the situation we were in.
Neither of you have lived in poverty. You have not seen the fact that there is a place to buy liquor and junk food on nearly every corner, but no place to buy fresh food and books within walking distance. Gene, all the money that went to fund computer labs and arts programmes in suburban went to fund metal detectors and barred windows in inner city schools. our neighbourhoods had to reallocate funds, because the social and recreational programmes that have been proven to keep crime rates down in cities keep getting slashed by Congress so that they can either give themselves raises or subsidise their lobbyists' interests. If you were a poor black kid, you would have had to take three to four buses to get to the nearest place where you would have access to all the things you mentioned in your essay. Even then, once the people who ran the place saw you, the campus police would have assumed the worst of you and booted you off the campus. This is all, of course if you were able to successfully traverse the various gang territories without being harassed or hurt.
Newt, I am not sure how much work you could have done yourself, as you were a military brat for quite some time, and you went straight from high school to college, not being able to join the military for "health reasons". I started working at age 16, right after we were evicted from our home. My grades, though high Bs and low As, were not as high as they could have been my last year of high school and part of college, because I was homeless. On top of that, I had to work two jobs in between my 16+ credit hours per semester. I wonder how you would fare in my situation?
People like you two are quick to come up with solutions to problems of which you know nothing. Those of us who do and work on projects to try to remedy the problems get shut down by people like you because you don't understand how solution X will help with problem Y. You resent the poor, as if they chose to be this way so that they could get government aid. No one chooses this for themselves. The government aid is its own prison of despair. The poor in this country are on a hamster wheel of two or three jobs, no affordable education, and no time for education, due to the two to three jobs. They are trying to keep a roof over their heads, all while trying to make sure their children are safe. The poor in this country used to have houses, but because deregulated banks entrapped them in loans that they did not realise they could not eventually pay, and because the banks all conveniently lost all appeals paperwork, they were dumped on the street. The poor are the janitors you wish so much to fire and replace with their children. You know nothing of poverty, and you therefore make uneducated, callous statements. Leave the solutions to the poverty/education problem to those of us who survived and conquered our situations. We know much better than you ever would. You got your sound bites and got your viral responses. I hope that what little support you get were worth the obdurate statements you used to get them.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ode to a Dove Made of Rainbows

The full quote, as many have asked me for it:
"When a woman has an orgasm, it's like a dove made of rainbows came into the room. It's awesome. Even other women are like, 'Aw, she's having a nice time; that's cool.' When a guy has an orgasm, it's like the devil himself tore off his own face and snakes are pouring out of his red skull. Like, no matter how smooth your love making technique as a man is, eventually, you're going to be Jerry Lewis getting electrocuted." -Matt Braunger

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Confederate Flags in Civil Conversations

So I was listening to this: "Black Scholar of the Civil War Asks: Who's With Me", which is a very interesting article, and brings up a good point: black folks are unsettlingly absent in the cadre of scholars and Civil War buffs, but this was the turning point for African Americans’ status as human beings in this country. I should note, however, that Mr. Coates is dead wrong regarding a lack of monuments to black soldiers. Beside the African American Civil War Museum in DC, There are war memorials in nearly all the battleground states.

Anyway, that article made me think of this article posted by someone on FriendFace: Black Student Defends His Confederate Flag. Summarily, a black college student hung a Confederate flag in his dorm window, and defended his right to hang it. I don’t argue with that, but it’s the Confederate f***ing flag. He also said that he never experienced racism, to which I say, “bulls***”. A young black man in the South NEVER experienced racism? WHITE people in the South experience racism! EVERYONE in this country, no matter where they are geographically or financially, has experienced racism. Anyway, back to the flag and the post. I commented on the post as such:

#1: Every state's "causes of secession", when strung together mention slavery about 80 times. Every one posts slavery as a major factor in their reason to secede. Therefore, every state [that] willingly joined the Confederacy and flew that flag, or any derivative of it, was an established racist state.
#2: Taking out the factor of slavery, these states willingly separated themselves from the United States. Therefore, the Confederate flag is actually an anti-American national symbol. This means that those under the Confederacy were technically guilty of treason. The flag is a symbol of anti-United States sentiment. It is one of the most un-patriotic symbols in this country.
#3: People like this schmuck are the reason why it is not only important to be pro-choice, but also believe in the possibility of time travel.

…OK, #3 was a visceral response to the absurdity of the interview, but I think I’m pretty on point with the first two points. Someone from the South posited this:

The confederate flag is not about slavery. People in the South know this…I'm from the only state that can [secede] from the union. I'll defend opinions that oppose mine be it on politics, race relations, religion, etc. My high school sweetheart was black, my ex hubby was Hispanic. I live in the best state in the United States. My personal perspective (which is shared by many) views the flag as a symbol of southern pride. Other states, other entities, other bodies of knowledge have their take on it but it’s our flag, we are Texas...love it or leave it.

Original poster said this:

…I feel like that is one of the issues people have with Texas and other southern states... They talk a good game about being real Americans, but are often slow to embrace the differences in others who also make up America. It's possible to have southern pride without exaggerated ego, or attempting to rewrite history to favour the southern perspective. That last statement is in response to Texas school revamping historical text and studies to reflect the south better and to highlight the religious origins of the country. Plus, the [secession] is already shows arguably less patriotism if you are unwilling to embrace the diversity of the country.

And Texas said this:

I hear you…but I disagree with you. The minority opinion must always be protected and heard. In this case the minority opinion being the belief or view of the confederate flag as being a bad symbol. Slavery isn't unique to the south, just as slavery isn't the sole reason of the civil war. It's a popular northern perspective… diversity doesn't mean to forego half the country's beliefs and opinions in support of the other half…I embrace the culture of New York...the southern pride should also be respected. But if one hasn't spent any length of time to learn to appreciate a state then the opinion is uneducated. It's just like knowing a person versus hearing about them.

To which I chimed in:

Southern pride can be respected and adored without the use of such an intentionally divisive symbol. Every state in the South has a rich history that helped shape the country, and there is no denying the robust culture no matter how much we in the North make jokes about all below the Mason-Dixon line. Chances are some of us would not exist were it not for the southern states. However, emulating a flag held by people who literally attempted to defect from the USA makes no sense. It is true that the Civil War was not solely about slavery. However, it was a lot about economy, and the primary labour force of the south's economy was tied directly to slavery. The Jim Crow laws that popped up after Reconstruction did not make a good case for the South's reputation either. Upholding a flag that represented all that deliberate divisiveness undermines the contributions that the Southern states made. I applaud you for speaking out on the other side of this argument, but I still disagree wholeheartedly with you regarding upholding the Confederate flag as a symbol of the South and souther pride. You have so many more symbols that don't have so much of this secessionist, un-American blood on them...just don't uphold Paula Deen. That lady's gonna kill us all.

Then Tex:

A flag is not racist; a person is. Yes, I can hear the arguments even as I text: “I wonder if the American Indians hate the American flag?” I would if I were them. But oh wait; I am part Indian. I realize the American Indian isn't the most populous minority but the flag issue same symbolism and I would defend their right to hate it and would still salute it.

There were a few more comments made, but in the end we all hugged and agreed to disagree, which is the beauty of our country. Contrary to what politicians are doing nowadays, arguments do not need vitriol and insult-trolling to make one’s point valid. I will never agree with Tex, and she will probably never agree with me. I highly doubt that I would find her an unpleasant person, though, and I had no desire assassinate her character to try to make my own point look more valid.

…That said, I have little to no respect for bigotry (which was NOT displayed here, by the way), and I have no qualms belittling their talking points of hate.
Also, Seriously: Paula Deen needs to go away.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Survivor: DC. The Road to the Next Not-Romney

The latest in Keeping up with the Konservatives: Dun, dun, dun. Another one bites the dust…

Riding the Cain Train didn’t appeal to the GOP since they found out the “train” was actually Cain’s penis, and now he’s out. An aside: “Ginger White”? Really? Could you not find a woman named Pretty McWhiteGirl? You realise they think we’re going to take all their women already, right?

Anyway, the new Not-Romney…er…”frontrunner”…in America’s Next Top Republican is Newt Gingrich. They replaced Herman Cain, who was suspected of sexual harassment and an extramarital affair, with Newt Gingrich, who definitely f***ed someone behind his wife’s back, divorced her while she was undergoing cancer treatment to marry the woman he was f***ing, then subsequently f***ed someone behind HER back and divorced HER to marry the new person he was f***ing.

THESE are the actions of the party who claims family values, who is so adamant about moral integrity. So it’s NOT ok for Herman Cain to have cheated on his wife, but it IS ok for Newt Gingrich to have cheated on multiple wives? In what world does any of this make sense? Moreover, the party of “family values”, who are so quick to restrict the rights of two men/two women who love each other because, no matter what excuses they claim to give for their bigotry, they think this is evil and icky, are holding up these men who have done more to desecrate the so-called sanctity of marriage than Zach Wahls’ parents ever could?

As entertaining as it is to watch the Real Presidential Candidates of Washington, DC, the absurdity of it all, and the public’s somnambular consumption of it as if it were completely normal, is disturbing. What happened to our independent thought? I hope that we start waking up. Vote or die, motherf***ers.

By the way, will you f***ers just admit that you're going to choose Romney and stop stringing along all those other poor candidates?...Except maybe Bachmann and Santorum. F*** those guys.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Inevitable Fall, Rise, and Triumph of Yorick Stardust

Greetings, readers. Your battle-worn bard must step away from the recent rants about the nonsense of the world to focus on a home-borne tale of woe and whimsy. This, friends and enemies, is the tale of the Inevitable Fall, Rise, and Triumph of Yorick Stardust!

You may recall my tales of Yorick the Short. He has been mentioned many times in the annals of the Chronicles of Nonsense, all the way from the beginning. He is the Squire Specialist who does the work of four full squires. He has three levels of professional certifications in our primary function: the creation of paths and castles for other kingdoms. He is only hours away from acquiring his Bachelor of Science in Tomfoolery. Though everyone depended on him to do ALL the work in the kingdom, he still was treated with disrespect, for his Tomfoolery degree was not yet at hand…Also, lord who supervised him is ShaqsDad the Destroyer. Yorick asked for little; only respect and acknowledgement for all his feats. Instead, the lords, and some to the squires chose to only use him for corporate sodomy after carrying the group for the many moons that he has been here. He only asked that he be allowed to put on lipstick before they f***ed him, but they instead used a sand and tobacco sauce lube to make the f***ing less pleasurable:

  • The first nail had been told, in his venture to the City of Sin. No one fought to keep him in Morondor.
  • Yorick suggested that one of his former colleagues from when he was a sea-faring warrior be allowed to work in the Kingdom. They did so! Welcome: Bradley, Master of Bad Punnery. Bradley was hired as a Squire Specialist 4. Yorick is a Squire Specialist 2. Bradley knows slightly less than Yorick. WTF? Nail 2.
  • The Counsel of Squires is an annual event, where all squires of Morondor are reviewed and either admonished or praised for their feats. Traditionally, an extra pouch of gold or promotion is in order. Yorick’s was filled with praise beyond all. He was told were it not for his accomplishments, our sector of the Kingdom would surely fall to the dank dungeons of Morondor. For his accomplishments, he was awarded with a promotion! ...wait, no he wasn’t! ShaqsDad “forgot” to submit the Parchments of Promotion to the Kingdom’s HR department. No promotion, even though he deserved it! Nail 3.
  • In the Counsel, Yorick asked, “Well, when I finally acquire my Bachelor of Tomfoolery, shall I at least be promoted to full Squire?” His lord responded, “No, we cannot do that, because [insert steaming pile of dragon dung here]”…it was not known exactly what was said, because it did not matter. None of it made sense. Nail 4.
  • So Yorick asked, “Do I at least get an extra packet of gold for the year?” Again, the answer was no. Instead of giving a large pouch of gold to Yorick, ShaqsDad thought it would be smarter to distribute the pouch of gold amongst all the brand new squires, none of whom have really proven themselves yet, one of whom we all KNOW is probably only slightly smarter than burlap. Nail 5.
  • Yorick decided to look inside the Kingdom for another opportunity, partially because he could only take so much sodomy, and partially because he wanted to see if anyone would care. He told his lord of his venture to another part of Morondor, and his lord did not raise much of an eyebrow. Yorick supposed this meant he did not care, or perhaps he thought Yorick would not leave such a nice position. Yorick got an offer within a week, and THAT’S when maelstrom hit our serfdom. THAT is when there was empty talk of counter-offers. THAT’S when people acted like they care. Nail 6.

Yorick did not take the offer from the other realm of the Kingdom, and all lords thought that meant he enjoyed the sodomy here so much that he could not leave. Oh, smug looks on their faces were wide and shining, like they had all just got laid by Angela Bassett. ShaqsDad had the largest grin. What they did not know was that Yorick had also applied to a completely different kingdom: the Kingdom of Cisc. Cisc offered him a role in their kingdom that nearly tripled his gold intake via flying monkey. He was merely waiting for the parchment to come, and one fortnight prior, it did. Yorick shall leave the kingdom of Morondor today, and shall work for the Kingdom of Cisc come next fortnight. Finally, Yorick got to sodomise his sodomites. He did not use lipstick either. The squires who respect him quietly rejoiced.

This is a sad day for the Kingdom of Morondor; for we will lose one Yorick, and it angers some that it all could have been avoided. However, the lords in charge of the squires are too addicted to sodomising all those in their employ with tobacco sauce lube that they could not stop for one minute to try to keep their best squire…I’m sorry; “squire SPECIALIST”. Fare thee well, Yorick. You shall be missed dearly by those who know your worth.

…Aren’t you glad I got through this whole post without making some sort of “Alas, poor Yorick…” pun?

Friday, November 11, 2011

An Ode to the Pope of Penn State

A week in review: Jerry Sandusky is charged with child rape that allegedly happened on Penn State’s campus. Gary Schultz and Tim Curley, senior VP for finance & business and athletic director respectively, were also arrested for trying to cover up the incident by not going to the police and simply banning Sandusky from the locker rooms. This way, he couldn’t rape boys on campus. He’d have to find somewhere else to rape them. The president of the university, Graham Spanier, and the famous head coach, Joe Paterno were both fired for their knowledge and subsequent lack of legal action. Mike McQueary, one of the first individuals to report Sandusky’s actions to his superiors, is now getting threats for his role in indirectly ending Joe Paterno’s lustrous career.

Oh Joe, we loved you so…That bastard McQueary ruined your career, by telling the truth. How insidious of him, to report an EGREGIOUS crime, and think that you would do something about it. Thanks to McQueary, you’re now out of a job. Oh, woe is Joe. How dare those victims of rape by one of your coaches break their silence in the grand jury presentment? There’s no telling how many more silent victims are out there, possibly suffering from the psychological trauma of having their innocence ripped from them. Their hope for a normal childhood is dead, much like your chance of getting a pension from Penn State...too soon? Does it hurt that I bring this up? Does it hurt as much as getting sexually assaulted in a shower? Poor, poor Joe. Poor rich as f***, regionally loved, will-likely-make-more-millions-off-a-book-of-his-memoirs Joe. Even the students of Penn State, always ready to burn s*** and overturn cars in the name of sports, protested your firing by turning over a news van. The evil media as again struck. Those demons reported the truth, and now Joe is gone, unjustly, for not doing what he should have done: calling the police. Even Ashton Kutcher was on your side for a few minutes, until someone reminded him that you helped cover up alleged CHILD RAPE. Oh Ashton. You are only half as smart as your Kelso character, which you’ve been portraying for 10 years straight now.

But back to Joe, the Pope of Penn State. What EVER shall you do? Where EVER shall you go? Your tenure is null and void. Your life is ruined. Those nasty board members could have let you retire with honour at the end of the season, as you professed to do. Way to take one for the team! You would have “shortened” your 46 year career with a cushy nest egg and a pension, but no, Joe, this won’t be so. You should look on the bright side though: at least you’re not one of the eight boys (probably more) who were sexually assaulted in the Penn State shower locker rooms by a man that you thought you could trust. You at least have that going for you. You’re just one of the many “men” who could have stopped the alleged crime, but didn’t do a thing. You spent all that time doing nothing to keep the reputation of your beloved sports department and university intact. Because if we learned anything from the Catholic Church, keeping quiet about sexual abuse and simply shifting around the perpetrators will NEVER eventually catch up to you. That modus operandi is so sound. It’s like putting a cobra in a basket and not telling anyone, and then when someone opens the basket and the cobra rapes a boy, you’re all aghast.

Poor, poor, Joe. Before you were furloughed, you said, "This is a tragedy. It is one of the great sorrows of my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more." Is that because your inaction led to more boys being harmed, or because you lost your precious pension, and now you look as culpable as the rest of the people who let Sandusky allegedly get away with wanton sex crimes against minors? You tried to hide the truth, possibly so that your school’s good name would not be tarnished. That would have been honourable, had it not been for the fact that you were probably covering up CHILD RAPE. Your honour and your school’s honour would have stayed illustrious, had you grown a pair and went over people’s heads when they did nothing…unless, of course, you were part of the conspiracy to hide. Then you can go f*** yourself. Besides, you needn’t worry about the school’s image being tarnished. The students of Penn State, who took to the streets in anger over your firing, and not over the child rape victims, bathed the Penn State image in vats of Santorum. Your silence is not golden after all.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Silver Linings

Greetings to all. Your Beleaguered Bard has a tale of woe to spin for you. But fear not; there are silver linings, for I SHALL find the light in everything that has befallen me, then make light of the bad parts to make everyone laugh and/or feel awkwardly uncomfortable. The story begins at 5:30am, when I got up with an IMMENSE headache. WTF? I was going to just stay in bed, but three Advils and 45 minutes later, I was at work, at my desk, ready to work. My mobile rang. It was my ex-wife, to whom I had not spoken in three years. What the f***?

ME: Hello?
SHE [In still-thick Ukrainian accent]: Hi, how are you?
ME: [In my mind] What the f***?
SHE: Hello? Are you there?
ME: Um, yes…What do you want? Why are you calling me?
SHE: Well, I need favour. Can y-
ME: Wait, is the baby still white?
SHE: …yes, bu-
ME: Okay, then. Отвали. Bye!

See, my “lovely” ex and I had a deal: She doesn’t call me again, and I don’t hurl insults at her. I felt it was the least she could do, seeing that the baby came out white and all. Il est juste, non?

Work goes on…I get an email, sent to everyone:

There are 10 of these canopy tarps in the [construction lab]. They are new in the box. If you are interested in owning one, please let me know. If we end up with more than 10 people interested, we will draw names to determine the winners. Drawing will take place on 11/14/11 at noon.

Timothy Needstochill

Cool! A few canopy tarps for the Academy! So I promptly replied:

Hi Tim,
Are those canopy tarps already spoken for? If not, I’d like two of them, one if there are more requests for them. Just let me know when I can pick them up, and I’ll make it happen.

 -Squire B.

…To which he replied:

If you read my e-mail you would have clearly seen that we are going to raffle them off next Monday. Since I already have 25 requests The chances of you getting 2 is Zero. I’ll put your name in the hat.

What. The. F***? The id in me wished to go down to his office and pound a response into him, about as physically rude as his email was. This would have been a bad idea since he was a manager. I’d have been a hero, but out of a job. Fortunately, I took a few breaths, and the sarcastic bastard in me wrote this…and BCC’ed a few squires:

 My apologies. After re-reading the e-mail that was forwarded by Karen, when you said, “IF we end up with more than 10 people interested, we will draw names to determine the winners”, I assumed you meant that the raffle would be a condition of you getting more than 10 responses.

 Since I do not have access to your inbox and therefore have no way of knowing how many people may have contacted you regarding the tarps, I thought the appropriate/most civil course of action was to ask you if they were still available with the quantity I wished to have, and to let you know I could take them off your hands as soon as I can, as I am aware of the limited space you have in the SCA.

 Since they are not, I am more than happy to participate in the raffle for at least one. I’ll look forward to the name-drawing on 14th November.

 Best Regards,
Squire Bugiganga

…I highly doubt I’m going to get that tarp…

Finally, I headed home to change before training, and as I turned into the driveway to my car park spot, I saw that neighbour had parked at the beginning of the driveway, thereby blocking the only way for any of the 9 tenants who are paying for parking to get to our spots. WHAT. THE. F***!!!  I pretty much gave up. This must be the precursor to what will be a week to remember. Do I just stay in a shell all week? I was waiting for someone to ask if I had a case of the Mondays, so that I could practise extracting their trachea with my mind. F*** a Monday.

…then I entered my apartment, and the building manager was taping up my windows for the winter. Brilliant! I’ve been waiting weeks for him to do that. He did a spot on job too. Now to just need to get a bigger heater, and I’m set for the weekend. Then I checked the mail, and I apparently overpaid a credit card bill by about $200. They sent me the check for the difference today. F*** yeah!

Then I reflected on the happenings of the day, and realised a few things: ShaqsDad (my boss) is gone for 3 days. That’s like a having a holiday at work. I was only on the phone with my ex-wife for 30 seconds, and also, the sound of her voice did not enrage me to the point of blacking out and spewing the most wretched, soul-piercing vitriol ever known to humans, as it did the first time I heard from her after she gave me the good news. I think that's progress. I got to make a manager of Morondoor look like the yutz he is, using his own words. Because of my a**hole neighbour, I got a street spot that was slightly more convenient than my paid spot. And after everything, I got $200 for having a s****y day! It’s like when I was on a bad date, and when walking back, I found $60 on the street, which was the amount I spent for dinner. Speaking of dinner, I happen to be eating a soup that my neighbour's friend made for me, and the tortellini noodles look a lot like tiny vaginas. I don't know anyone who can be in a bad mood while eating vaginas.

So I suppose this tail of woe is not so woeful afterall. I’m up $200, I had fun assistant-teaching today, I got confirmation that a wound had finally closed, I got to use my lacklustre writing skills to put a smile on some co-workers’ faces, and I'm munching on what looks like my favourite thing on which to munch. The lessons: It’s almost always much easier to find the silver lining than it is to wallow in sorrow, so keep your f***ing chin up and stop your bitching. Also, after the baby comes out white, nothing is ever really THAT big a deal. :-D

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

CoNservation, Morondoor Style

The Kingdom of Morondoor has a new green policy: from here on, all printers in the Kingdom shall by default set to print duplex, in order to save paper.

They made this announcement via e-mail, website post, and by making large, single-sided paper signs, posting them above every printer in every office of the multinational business. To make sure that it would be extra difficult to recycle the signs, the 11x17 signs were laminated.

In other news, 35% of the employees of Morondoor learned the hard way that it is actually possible to face-palm yourself hard enough to induce a mild concussion. Work productivity is temporarily down to 65%.

Reason Why I'm Single #341: The K/C Comparison

I was going to say something about Kim Kardashian’s divorce filing from [insert famous rich black guy], but I remembered that I don’t give a flying f***.

I will say this, though: I noticed that “Kardashian” and “Cardassian” are phonetically similar. Both are not of this land originally. Both are known for large protrusions on their bodies. Both wear tight clothing. Most interestingly, they both think that they are much more important than they really are, expect others to cater to them, and are really just a bunch of shallow, attention-whoring a**holes.

…and I read this back to myself and realise why I’m still single…

Thursday, October 27, 2011

She Is the Very Model of a Modern Major General

The United States Army promoted its first black female Major General, Marcia Anderson. I don’t care what you think of the military or the current wars we are waging or of US foreign policy in general; this is a big deal, and it is badass that she made it this far, and I hope she keeps striving for higher. If you click on the previous link, you’ll see a lot of criticism of her promotion. Mostly, it’s about her lack of combat experience and, of course, about her being a woman and black, so it HAD to be Affirmative Action that got her job.

For the first nay-saying point, the Army is vast. She worked to keep garrison families together. That is just as important work as that on the front line. I’m a first-hand observer of in-theatre and garrison bases. There are many horror stories of how little it takes for a family whose bonds are stretched thousands of miles can suddenly snap and turn into chaos. It is not pretty, and it hurts the both sides and hinders the performance of our force. The work she does needs to be done even more. As a disenchanted liberal elitist New York Jew, I have many reservations about many of the conflicts we initiated in the name of freedom, but truly in the name of money, but I don’t deny the need for a military force. The world is ugly, people are a**holes, and if you have inadequate defence, those a**holes will kill you. If you don’t believe me, ask any Native American…well, one who hasn’t been slaughtered by settlers…too soon? Anyway, it takes strong people to pledge to lay down their lives in the name of their country, even if its policies are contrary to what they believe, and I have nothing but respect for them and their perseverance, no matter what role they play…except the bigoted ones. F*** those guys.

For the second point, Middle-finger U. I love how people paint Affirmative Action as this devious process where if there’s a position open, a recruiter just goes up to a random minority on the street and says, “Hey there, gimpy chick n***er, you want a job?”, and POOF! We have a new negro woman CEO, with a limp. Affirmative Action is intended to make sure that QUALIFIED minorities get the positions they deserve.

This is the love/hate relationship that every minority has with Affirmative Action: were it not for AA, a minority engineer with more qualifications than a white male engineer would be overlooked for a position. I know this because that is how it was for years, and it still happens now! Minorities have to work twice as hard to get half the credit their white male counterparts get.

However, it feels grotesquely patronising when we DO get into a certain position, because even though we know that we are qualified to do the job, there is this nagging notion in the back of our head: “Did I get this because I’m the best fit, or because they needed to fill a quota?” This notion is emboldened when we interact with our co-workers and we get some of the following exchanges:

HE: Welcome to [COMPANY]. So you got the tech position?
ME: Actually, I got the engineer position.
HE: Oh, congrats…so were you in the military?
ME: No.
HE: Well how did YOU get the job?
ME: I have a bachelor’s degree in Electrical Engineering.

That happened at my first “career” job, about 3 to 4 times in my first two years, even though I found out I was making more per annum than my white college-hire colleagues, and I worked twice as hard. Then at my second job, this happened:

ME: [In a suit, manager of 15 people, directing two of them to do some work, a manager from another office approaches]
HE: [Talking directly to my employee] Hey, you’re in charge here, right? Can you have some of your employees [motioning toward me] move the workstations around a bit?
MY EMPLOYEE: I’ll have to clear that with my boss. Boss?
ME: I’ll see what I can do. My employees are busy right now, as you can see. By the way, I’m the head of the IT branch. Nice to meet you.
HE: [Blinks, bewildered]

Yes, HE, the massa’ let us read, an’ now we gets ta be duh boss too! My inclination let my id take over was quelled by both my employee’s respect and my own resolve to be a better person
Similarly, this happened to a female colleague:

SHE: …So we need to reconfigure the entire server for a new site.
HE: [EXACT WORDS] So how on earth did you get this job? This isn’t something someone like you [person with a vagina] would do.
SHE: …I applied for it. [Blood boils]
HE: I bet you didn’t know what you got yourself into, huh? [chuckles]
SHE: No, I did…because I applied for it.
HE: What’s your degree in? Biology? English? [She’s an engineer]
SHE: Electrical Engineering. I’m an engineer.

Presumably, SHE could have said/done a lot more, but ripping out a person’s larynx is not good office etiquette, especially since HE was a high-end boss.

The sine qua non is that a black woman busted her a** and broke yet another glass ceiling, and that's good for everyone. The reason why this is a big deal is because even now in 2011, our women and girls are bombarded by notions and ideas that they should use their sexuality, not their talent, to get what they want, they should be more expectant that someone will take care of them, and it’s cool to be a shallow, stupid, spoilt whore. Don’t believe me? Turn on “Jersey Shore” or “Real Housewives of [Insert City]”. Open a magazine. Or just go to the store and look at the girl’s toys section. There are lots of Bratz, pretty princess paraphernalia, and pixies and faeries. There was a time in the 80’s/90’s when Barbie was running for president and flying planes and being a paediatrician. Nowadays, she’s reverted back to being a useless princess or faerie unicorn rider. Women’s lives are much less valued in the real world too. How many front-page news stories are there about women? You usually have to go to the entertainment section to catch up on what someone is wearing, unless of course a pretty white girl goes missing or is killed. You never hear about the other 100 or so brown and yellow women who are suffering, though. The sex trafficking in this world is still rampant. They’re sold like property throughout all inhabited continents, including North America (stop denying it. You know it’s true). If they’re raped it’s still THEIR fault somehow.

If women are the n***ers of the world, then black woman are the n***ers of the n***ers of the world. Congratulations to Maj. General Marcia Anderson for breaking through all barriers to inspire us all to not be n***ers anymore.

Friday, October 21, 2011

He Ain't Heavy...

People are up in arms about Rick Perry calling Herman Cain “brother” in the latest episode of “Who Wants to Be a GOP Candidate?” Even I was mildly shocked and agitated. That’s OUR word!...but then I realised, it really isn’t.

I hear some say that Perry belittled Cain by calling him “brother”, but at its base definition, brother is a peer family member. As long as you don’t put the adjective “little” or “big” before it, I can’t see the harm. If he called him “son”, then there would be a point to this argument.

Perry is an evangelical Christian, and Cain is an ordained Baptist minister. Perhaps the “brother” was inferring that relationship. They’re both right-wing nuts who veil their selfish ideas about the world in biblical verse, contradicting the very message of the book they claim they wish to emulate. “Hey ‘brother’, I like the way you pick and choose bible verses and appropriate them for your own political and social agendas.”

Perry is also from the South. Perhaps that is just his way of laid back, friendly speaking. If this is the case, then it’s just an etiquette thing. I doubt that 20 years ago candidates used informal vernacular during a debate, but times have changed greatly. Something happened in the 21st Century that made nearly every social interaction a lot less formal. There was a time when you’d wear a suit to an airport. People would not wear jeans to ANY restaurant. Night clubs would have strict dress codes. Now it’s normal to see a person in sweatpants in all venues. People would not talk back to their elders, but now it happens a lot. Perhaps Perry is just another example of the erosion of 19th and 20th Century etiquette rules. No one is saying that we need to follow Vanderbilt or Emily Post’s guides to proper social interactions, but the world, as we seem to get closer via technology, seems to get more comfortable saying what it wants. This blog is a perfect example.

I have to be honest: I call my friends "brother" and "sister" all the time, regardless of their race. Friends, after all, are my family, so why not call a friend brother or sister? And I pay it no mind when a white person calls me brother. Better "brother" than "boy" or "son". Furthermore, any victims of racial, gender, age, or ANY type of discrimination can tell when someone is using a patronising or condescending tone with them.

People that say Perry is a racist because he “brothered” Herman Cain are flat out wrong. Perry is a racist because he had a giant f***ing rock on his family’s property that had “NIGGERHEAD” painted in block letters and only painted over it when he started getting deeper into politics. Had he not been gunning for money, power, and office, that rock would say “Niggerhead” today. The excuse that it was always called that doesn’t make it right, and if it really bothered him that much, as he so claimed, he would have painted over it the same day he acquired the property, back in the 80’s. He’s a racist, but he’s an "I’m-not-racist-but" racist.

HA! You thought I was defending that a**hole, didn’t you! F***'em both! Vote or Die, motherf***er, Vote or Die!

Is Your Cat Bigger than a Bread Box?

Terry Thompson, an exotic animal preserve owner, killed himself on 18th October. Before he killed himself, he released nearly all of the animals in his “collection”, allowing them to roam Zainesville, OH. Most of the animals were shot and killed by local police, because there was no time to acquire tranquiliser weapons, and the danger of wild, carnivorous animals in a residential area was imminent.

There is nothing good about this story. Regardless of the risk to community, I highly doubt anyone wants to see so many endangered animals slaughtered. No one wants a bunch of animal attacks either. This story brings up a lot of points though:

  • Why the hell are private citizens even allowed to have endangered, exotic pets? I don’t care how much you LOVE animals, they belong in the wild. The domestication of dogs and cats took possibly tens of thousands of years. We should stick to what we know. We are in a more enlightened time, where we can actually see and comprehend the effect we have on an ecosystem when we extract an animal and put it in a cage for display or as a “pet”. It’s not good for the animal, and even worse for the habitat from whence it came. Think “Butterfly Effect”, but with elephants and Bengal tigers.
  • Terry Thompson had a history of animal abuse cases and a gun charge. He actually had his licence to exhibit exotic animals revoked, but he still had them. Why the hell did this dude have any animals? I don’t think he’d be fit to own a goldfish!
  • This whole story is proof that a government without regulations on its citizens will lead to chaos…as if the Industrial Revolution didn’t do that already. Ohio’s animal ownership laws are the most lenient in the country, and the few regulations they had were not enforced. That’s why things came to this. These animals could have been put in a proper preserve, or re-introduced back into the wild if they were fit to do so. I would love to like Ron Paul, but his idea that the government should not have any involvement in individuals’ lives is too narrow. I am all for everyone doing everything they want to do so long as they don’t keep another person from doing the same, but there NEEDS to be some governing, because PEOPLE ARE SELFISH AND STUPID! Regulations don’t kill jobs and keep you from doing what you want to do. They are supposed to keep you from doing dumb s*** like OWNING A F***ING MAN-EATING CAT! Honestly, if the guy died at the hand (paw?) of one of his own “pet” lions, then I wouldn’t feel too sorry for him. The fact is, though, the animals were a danger to the surrounding community, even before he let them loose. Here’s a good test: is your cat bigger than a bread box? Yes? Then it’s too f***ing big. Send it to a wildlife preserve and get yourself a nice calico from the local shelter.

Bottom line: lift certain regulations, or just not enforce them to appease a certain voting demographic, and you do more damage to the rest of the world than if you just risked not appeasing a few narrow-minded people. They’re not narrow-minded because they’re a**holes (though I’m sure some of them are); they’re narrow-minded because they’re not seeing the effect one law would have on the rest of their community. We are individuals, but the way the world is now, humans are social animals, and we have a responsibility to do right by our fellow humans. So no more f***ing pet bears and tigers, PLEASE.

Monday, October 17, 2011


The realm of Morondor (my workplace, for those of you who have not read the first few articles in the Chronicles) knows no bounds in its ingenious ideas. The latest: a new internal social/community group geared toward a specific group in the company’s population. This is not odd; many firms have special networking organisations focused on specific groups of people. Our realm has a “Grad” group for those who are younger and/or got hired to Morondor directly from university. There is a group for elder employees who have been here for many years and may be near retirement. There is WIN, or Women’s Interactive Network, focusing on women engineers and professionals. These are all well and good; the groups have meet-ups and organise volunteer projects for local charities and have speakers come in to encourage professional development.
Well now there is a group for people of colour, call the African American Resource Group, or for short: AARG!..."AARG". Who the hell is making these names? I thought the acronyms stopped at product, but I now know that the same people who name products apparently name the specialty groups. I can imagine how this is going to go down…

ME: I’ve got to run. I have a meeting to attend.
HE: Oh? What meeting is that?
HE: Whoah, you don’t have to yell at me. Just tell me what the meeting is for.
ME: I’m telling you: AARG!
HE: Calm down! No need for screaming.
ME: But I’m not. I’m going to AARG!
HE: Okay, you don’t have to tell me. I’m going to go now. Just don’t hurt me.
ME [still trying to explain where I'm going as HE walks away]: But...AARG!
HE [to himself]: Sheesh, they really ARE more aggressive.
ME [fading in the background]: AARG!

…I’m going home.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It's National Come On Out Day! :-D

It’s National Coming Out Day today (11th October). Since I already came out as a lesbian last year (I LOVE women:-9), I will commemorate this day by calling it National Come On Out Day. Here is a list of a few anti-LGBT activists who were caught doing really gay stuff:

  • Allen, Robert. State House Representative-R, FL
    • Spent his career aligning himself and his voting record with the Christian Coalition, who has a history of backing anti-gay legislature.
    • Offered an undercover vice officer $20 if he could give the officer for fellatio. BONUS: his excuse was racist! He claimed that he was intimidated by the muscular black officer, and thought he was going to rob him. There is no robbery situation where I would offer oral sex to the assailant...unless it was Angela Bassett. Then I would dive in head first.
  • Arango, Roberto. Senator-R, PR
    •  Voted to ban gay marriage in 2009 (the bill failed), opposes civil unions, and used a duck to make fun of a campaign opponent in 2004 (labeling someone a duck is a homophobic slur used in Puerto Rico).
    • Used his smart phone to post naked pictures of himself to post on Grindr, a gay dating site.
  • Ashburn, Roy Arthur. State Senator-R, CA
    • Voted against every gay rights measure that came to the State Senate while in office.
    • Arrested for DUI after having left a gay nightclub with another patron as a passenger. Admitted that he actually is gay.
  • Bachmann, Marcus. Clinical Therapist, head of Bachmann & Associates
    • Uses Michelle Bachmann as a beard. Heads up Bachmann & Associates, where he performs "ex-gay" therapy on homosexuals. Contrary to popular belief, he doesn't "pray the gay away" in therapy sessions. He holds the gay close, arms intertwined, bodies pressed together as one...HIS words.
    • It's just a matter of f***ing time…
  • Craig, Larry Edwin. US Senator-R, ID
    • Attempted to push for a sever punishment for openly gay Senator Barney Frank amidst a gay prostitution scandal. Supported the ill-fated Federal Marriage Amendment. Promised to vote "yes" for an Idaho amendment that would ban same-sex marriage in Idaho.
    • Alleged to have had cocaine and have seix with male teenage congressional pages in 1982. In 2007, convicted of lewd conduct when he inadvertantly propositioned an undercover officer for gay sex in a men's bathroom at Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport. Later denied being gay, then got voted out of office.
  • Curtis, Richard. State House Representative-R, WA
    • Opposed gay rights bill that banned sexual orientation-based discriminiation. Voted against recognising domestic partnerships for gay and lesbian couples.
    • Met a gay porn star Cody Castagna at an adult book store and had sex with him in a hotel room.
  • Dreier, David Timothy. US House Representative-R, CA
    • Supported the Defense of Marriage Act, voted against gay adoption, voted against including homosexuals in a protected class in hate crime cases.
    • Had a romantic relationship with his chief of staff, Brad W. Smith. Denied it, though it was a known "open secret".
  • Haggard, Ted Arthur. Evangelical Pastor, Former leader of National Association of Evangelicals
    • Supported Colorado's Amendment 43, which would define marriage in Colorado as only the union of a man and a woman.
    • Maintained a 3-year relationship with a male escort, used methamphetamine with said escort, claimed to have been "cured", finally admitted being bisexual.
  • King, Troy Robin. State Attorney General-R, AL
    • Unsuccessfully attempted to enforce the Anti-Obscenity Enofrcement Act, called homosexuality the downfall of society.
    • Middle name is Robin. Also, caught by his wife having sex with the Tory University homecoming king…Kind of narcissistic.
  • Long, Eddie Lee. Senior Pastor, New Birth Missionary Baptist Church
    • Led “homosexual cure” programs to recruit gays and lesbians for “Sexual Reorientation” conferences. Marched with Bernice king to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr to promote a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage.
    • Three separate men brought lawsuits against Long alleging he used his position of power to coerce them into sexual relationships, making them participate in "covenant" ceremonies.
  • Murphy, Glenn Jr. National Chair, Young Republican National Federation
    • Head of the f***ing Young Republican National Federation.
    • Pled guilty in a sexual assault case where he performed oral sex on a sleeping colleague.
  • Rekers, George Alan. Southern Baptist Minister, "Psychologist"
    • On founding board of the Family Research Council. Former advisor of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, an association that promotes "aversion therapy".
    • Photographed at Miami International Airport accompanied by a "RentBoy", who he claimed was just helping him with his luggage…even though he was photographed carrying his own luggage.
  • Schrock. Edward Lee. US House Representative-R, VA
    • Aggressiveley opposed any gay rights legislation while in office.
    • Caught on tape having sex with a male prostitute; subsequently voted out of office.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Occupy Wall Street Occupies My Mind

The Occupy Wall Street movement has been spreading slowly. This is a growing protest that was partially the brain child of Adbusters, an anti-consumerist, pro-environment non-profit group from Canada that is now a worldwide community. At first, there was hardly any coverage of the protesters, and then the news stories made jokes of them. Now they are somewhat being taking seriously, probably because famous people started showing up. Fortunately, Anthony Bologna did not pepper spray Susan Sarandon while she was there. I hear he likes to spray pretty white women.

As usual, if you tune in to Fox News, you’d think the Occupy Wall Street group are just a bunch of leftist, communist, socialist, anarchists who are complaining about the rich because they are not, and they need to spend their time updating their resumes and getting jobs instead of demanding handouts from people who earned their money the honest way: by sailing through loopholes and storing their money in off-shore tax havens, and good ole’ fashioned money laundering.

Also as usual, if you watch MSNBC, you’d think the OWS’s are a group of disenchanted patriots who want their country back from the corporations who have bought and sold more members of our federal government than they have their own product, and they will not rest until real changes have been made and people will be held accountable. Also, there will be a drum circle in Liberty Plaza at 3:00pm, for those who actually wear watches.

If you watch CNN, then what you know of the OWS is whatever people tweeted and e-mailed to CNN, as it seems that is their primary way to get information for their news shows these days.
My thought: The Occupy Wall Streeters are doing precisely what the Tea Partiers have been doing: rallying against a blanket entity that they view as being the cause of the bulk of the ills of our society. Much like the Tea Partiers, the news outlets have been looking at them as a joke, and when they interview individual members of the protest, the reporters inevitably find the most stoned, ignorant, sign-misspellingest schlubs they can find. Unlike the Tea Partiers, their roots don’t seem to be in established politicians’ pockets, under the veil of being a “grass roots movement”. With the exception of Adbusters planting the seed, this actually seems to grass roots. Unlike the Tea Partiers, I haven’t seen any blatantly racist depictions of anyone in power in their protest signs.

One thing the OWS has NOT done is appropriate what used to be proud symbols and terms from the opposing side of the fence and distort and bastardise them so that now they connote complete opposite. The Tea Partiers took “Boston tea party”, the “Don’t tread on me” snake, and the US Constitution and applied grotesquely distorted history to them to validate their use of them as logos for their movement. What if the OWS’s took icons and symbols of extreme conservatism (or at least what right wingers hold up as icons and symbols of conservatism)? Perhaps the OWS’s should take the Daughters of the American Revolution, Ronald Reagan, the Heritage Foundation, Manifest Destination, and the Confederate Flag and egregiously warp their meanings to reflect their own views…then again…maybe not.

Bottom line: I tend to agree with what a lot of the non-stoned OWS’s say. The government has been letting big corporations dictate what laws are passed, and all big corporations really want is to get bigger. They do not care about the people, our land, or how they get their money. They have been doing everything they can to buy and sell whoever they can to make the most profit. You can tell that from the Industrial Revolution, a company WILL NOT do what is good for its employees and the public if not told to do so. All for which it cares is its bottom line. This is just as exemplary now. Exxon ALWAYS yields ridiculously high yields every year, but instead of investing that profit into better ways to produce energy than extracting a finite source that potentially poisons millions of ecosystems, they line their executive’s pockets with million-dollar bonuses. Though there is some validity to their claim, if the Occupy Wall Streeters don’t do what the Tea Party did and register to vote when they get home and put their votes where their rhetoric is, then they will have occupied and gotten arrested and brutalised by the NYPD for naught.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Nobel Did Something Special for 3 Ladies in the World

Three women won the 2011 Nobel Peace Prize: Tawakkul Karman of Yemen, and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and Leymah Gbowee, both of Liberia. People have been saying that the Peace Prize is a joke, mainly because people like Jimmy Carter and Al Gore were getting the award. The only reason naysayers were saying “nay” was because those are two of the most active liberal politicians in America. Say what you want about Carter and Gore; they still did exactly what they planned to do, and after their roles in office, they lived out their views as much as they could in their private lives. Carter has been a diplomat, he helped found Habitat for Humanity, and he never pulled his punches when he wrote or spoke. Gore brought attention to the plight of the planet by getting nearly as big as the world and f***ing up cherished parts of his life, mush like what we are doing to our earth right now…he also made a movie or something. You notice he’s a lot funnier and more charismatic now than he was when he was vice president? Regardless, if you hate liberals, OF COURSE you’re going to hate the Nobel committee’s choices!

The thing is that I almost believed that the Prize was a Joke when Barack Obama got it in 2009. The official reason for the choice in awarding him was, “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples”. Let’s be honest, though: Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize for not being George W. Bush. He was in the infancy of his first term! There are people who are standing up to hopelessly oppressive governments, putting their lives on the line non-violently in the face of threats of torture, rape and murder. But you give the prize to Obama??? I haven’t been George Bush for over 30 years. Where the hell is my prize? Obama didn’t even do anything yet. Since he got the prize, Barack Obama has dropped more bombs in Afghanistan and Iraq than the Phantom Sh***er at my job does on 2 for 1 Taco Day. He ordered a hit on a Somali pirate, numerous al-Qaeda targets, and had Osama bin Laden’s head exploded. It’s so funny, because the right keeps trying to paint him as a lefty-pinko p***y (when they’re not comparing him to Hitler), but if you look at the numbers, Obama makes GW Bush look like a flower-powering hippie! It’s like he received the NWA’s famous Aw Hell Piece Prize. If you get that, you have to murk as many mark-a** motherf***ers as you can within a year, but you have to turn your weapon sideways while doing so. Just imagine 30 Predator drones coming at you rotated 90˚. That’s when you know s***’s about to get real.

This year’s awardees are true peace advocates. Tawakkul Karman founded Women Journalists without Chains to fight for political, social, and press freedom in Yemen. Throughout the years, she’s led peaceful sit-ins in Yemen to further her cause. She’s been arrested numerous times for her “crimes” of free thought and expression. This year during the Arab Spring, Karman mobilised students to rally in the ironically-named Freedom Square in Sana’a. The best thing: SHE’S ONLY 32! Yeah…what the hell have YOU been doing with your life, huh?

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf is the first and ONLY female elected head of state in Africa! She was born poor, daughter of a miner, but persevered and eventually got her advanced degrees in America, then returned to Liberia to get involved in politics amidst a LOT of turmoil…I wonder if people taunted her with fake American birth certificates? She is so dedicated to getting her country on track that when the presidential house was victim to an accidental fire, she stated that the damage to the house was a low priority compared to the tasks ahead as president.

Leymah Gbowee once quipped, “If any changes were to be made in society it had to be by the mothers”. She stated this after having moved to Monrovia at the age of 17 and trained to be a trauma counsellor in the first civil war and worked with the wounded of Charles Taylor’s child army. She acted on her words and organised a nonviolent peace protest that ended Liberia’s Second Civil War. It also led to the first female African President. How badass is that? Again, I say, “What the hell have YOU been doing with your life?”

I hope that last year’s winner (Liu Xiaobo) and this year’s winners means that the Nobel Committee will stop playing politics with such a prestigious award and award it to people who truly deserve it, not just because they like someone because he/she is not George Bush. Kudos to them on their choices and to the women who helped changed this world…although if they DO start giving out the award for BS reasons, I want one for not being Snookie.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Shuttlesworth Is Getting Hensoned!

Fred Shuttlesworth, co-founder of the Southern Christian Leadership Committee, died yesterday, 5th October. He was Bull Connors’ nemesis in Alabama and an inspiration for both his contemporaries (Martin Luther King, for one). If you didn’t know this, it’s because Steve Jobs died the same day, and except for NPR, most of the news media have been covering his accomplishments all over the news, as if he were a messiah.

Don’t get me wrong; I have no issues with Steve Jobs. He was a brilliant mind, and his anti-establishment ideas about technology made him a true maverick in the computer world. Not like “gotch’ya, ‘real’ American, ‘lame-stream media, see-Russia-from-my-house” maverick, I mean a true rebel, but with a clue. Jobs was canned by his own company, but he STILL kept going, buying Pixar, re-envisioning media access to the world, and striking fear into the hearts of formulaic, establishment corporations that thought their standard would be the ONLY standard for the world. I’m sure that many Apple products have been used the many revolutions of this year in the Mid East, and probably in Iran, Russia, China and other governments to convey the thoughts of those who still don’t have the luxury of being able to speak their minds without lethal repercussions. He took this itty-bitty world by storm, and he was JUST getting warm…ßYes, I just said that. However, let’s be honest with ourselves, near the end, Jobs, the rebel without a DOS, slowly became against what he rebelled. The once-open source App Store has been getting locked down more and more as time has passed. There is a following that eat up EVERYTHING he said, did, or promoted as if it were gospel, even if they had inherent flaws. Remember the antenna problems with the first iPhone 4? Apple wouldn’t even admit there was a problem, and then put out a laughable video about how others’ phones have a flaw too. Many of the consumers of Apple products nearly worship the man, and are as creepy as every other religious zealot. Should you dare say anything contrary to what is said in the Book of Jobs to a Machead, and you’re bound to get the glare only afforded to a heretic, or a woman who knows math in the 1600’s, or a woman who knows math in Mississippi, for that matter. After a while, people started going to Android as a rebellion against Mac. Steve Jobs became the machine against which he was raging.

Fred Shuttlesworth, on the other hand, needs to get his due credit. He scared the s*** out of Bull Connor, to the point that even MLK, Jr said that Fred was the most dangerous man in the South. If you don’t know who Bull Connor is, then get the f*** off my blog, go back to school, and read a book. If ever there was a personification of bigotry in America, it was Bull Connor. Hank Williams could have compared Connor to Hitler and been on point…of course knowing him, he probably would have sided with him. Shuttlesworth was the heart and soul of the Birmingham Movement. His rhetoric was even more mobilising than Martin Luther King’s, as it appealed the younger generation as they realised that the system needed to change. He stared down Klan members as they were throwing very valid threats at him to leave town. His church was bombed. His house was burned down. He faced mobs that hated everything for which he stood. He and his advocates faced fire hoses, angry dogs, and who-knows-what in jail. Through it all, he stayed resilient. Before Malcom X, Shuttlesworth was the Magneto to MLK’s Professor X. Even after the height of the Civil Rights Movement, Shuttlesworth became a strong advocate for the poor. He didn’t stop going, even in failing health.

As of this post, all the news outlets seemed to have done a Jim Henson on Shuttlesworth though, so you won’t hear too much about his accomplishments. I don’t think this is a “brown people are less important” thing, though. It’s not like it was a pretty white girl that got kidnapped. I’m certain it’s because the “news”, left, right, and center, are really part of Starf***ers, Inc. The popular, not the most important, gets the most airplay. Sure, Steve jobs was an innovator, but Fred Shuttlesworth was a f***ing American hero. I would likely not be here writing this were it not for him. Rest in peace to both.




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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Keep Googling Santorum!

Rick Santorum confronted Google, asking them to change their search algorithms so that the most popular result for his name is NOT what shows up first...you’re going to have to look it up yourself. I’m NOT describing “santorum” on this blog. I just find it funny that the people who cry government deregulation, who consistently go pro-corporation no matter what, who claim to want to protect the Constitution from the progressive, socialist liberals, are also the ones quick to try to shut things up when the corporation’s actions do something they don’t like. Laura Schlessinger did a similar thing last year after she caught heat for ranting at a black woman who asked for her help, using the term n***** more times than in a 50-Cent Greatest Hits album. She claimed that her freedom of speech was being stifled when she faced the imminent backlash. She even blamed CNN for covering the story! I mean, how DARE a news outlet report something that’s newsworthy! What was CNN thinking?

This is the beauty of the First Amendment: So long as what you say or do does NOT infringe on what others wish to say or do, you can do it at your heart’s content. Offending someone does NOT count as infringing on someone’s rights, because the person who is offended can walk away/turn it off. However, you have to live with whatever you said, and if people respond negatively to you because of what you said, there’s no do-over. Until proven otherwise, you will be seen as an a**hole. Santorum used his First Amendment rights to express how much he didn’t think that homosexuals should marry, how they shouldn’t join the military, how they are simply just depraved individuals. In response, Dan Savage and the Tech Savvy At-Risk Youth used their First amendment Rights to create a new meaning for his name that became more popular than Rick himself. Going to Google and trying to get them to change their search algorithms does nothing to change what he did or how Dan Savage responded. If he has a problem with it, perhaps he should change his name.

…This could have been the end of the story, but a few days later at the 6th or 7th GOP debate (I lost count) a gay soldier asked him what he’d do if he were president regarding DADT. In proper GOP debate fashion of “civility”, audience members booed the soldier who dedicated his life to protect the country that they claim to love so much. Then as most all politicians do, Mr. Froth-…er…Santorum circumvented the question and claimed that the repeal was a social experiment of the Democrats…this means that the makers of GOProud.org and the Log Cabin Republicans are also Democrats, apparently. When Megyn Kelly reiterated the soldier’s point, he again reiterated his circumventing to talk about more reasons why he thought gays were icky. It wasn’t until there was more publicity about him not thanking this man for his service and not admonishing the audience members who booed him that he at a MINIMUM gave a back-handed apology and claimed to not hear the audience jeers….he still thinks gays are icky, though. See? He expressed his freedom of speech, and because of it, his chances of being president of ANYTHING beside a small video store chain that is going to close anyway is now etched in stone. Also, Dan Savage will make good on his promise that he made on Funny or Die, hopefully. I wonder if Santorum will go after Funny or Die now?

I do know that after this last GOP debate, the neologism is truly synonymous with the man.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Death and Taxes...and Hate Crimes

It’s hard to be a liberal, hippie, pretentious, New York Jew sometimes…

Tuesday morning, I saw the news that DADT is officially no more, and I thought that it was going to be a good day.

Then Tuesday evening came, and I was bombarded by this: Lawrence Russell Brewer is scheduled to be executed for the 1999 Murder of James Byrd. Mississippi teen Deryl Paul Dedmon was indicted for capital murder for his alleged involvement in the murder of James Craig Anderson. Georgia death row inmate Troy Davis’s final appeal for clemency was denied by the parole board. Thus starts my long diatribe about the death penalty and hate crime laws, and you have to suffer through it…I guess you could just click to another page or turn off the computer and get back to work, but you’re not going to do that, are you? Sucker. :-p

First, the Brewer case is pretty cut and dry: three white men in a pickup truck picked up a black pedestrian to give him a ride, but instead took him to a remote area, beat him to unconsciousness, and tethered him to their truck and dragged him to death. What was their motivation? Byrd was black. They were found guilty, and sentences were doled out according to degree of involvement. Brewer got a death sentence.

Next, Dedmon and a group of six other teens threw back a few drinks, and then allegedly went out to look for a black guy to beat up. Anderson was the unlucky contestant in the worst game show ever. The teens were said to have beaten him severely, and then after the other teens drove off, Dedmon allegedly returned and struck Anderson with his F-250, killing him. Everything was caught on film thanks to the motel security camera where there incident took place. The DA on the case plans to seek more indictments in the case.

Finally, Troy Davis sits on death row in Georgia after having been convicted of the 1989 murder of police officer Mark McPhail. Seven of the witnesses who testified for the prosecution have either recanted or contradicted their stories, and there is still no physical evidence linking Troy Davis to the murder. Regardless, the parole board denied his pleas for clemency. After years of appeals and three prior scheduled “death dates”, he is scheduled to die 21st September.

There are slews of resources for information on all of these cases, so I won’t bore you with any further details. The latter case makes me question the validity of the death penalty as a means of punishment at all. We are one of the last Western influenced countries to still have the death penalty on the table as a punishment option. Other countries banned it for many reasons, including the fact that it is barbaric, it has been used disproportionately for convicts who are not of the majority race/ethnicity, and the simple fact that NO JUSTICE SYSTEM IS PERFECT. The possibility of inadvertently sending an innocent person to death is very real. It probably happened, and so long as we have a death penalty, it will probably happen again. The second we stick the needle in the arm of an innocent person, everyone who had a hand in sending that person to death is guilty of murder as well. Should we then send the judge, jury, prosecutor, lying witnesses, botching lab techs, errant detectives, and executioner to the death chamber as well?

Let’s not forget the race issue. Sure, proportionally, the racial majority of people on death row is white, but when it comes to interracial murders, 16 white-on-black cases compared to 253 black-on-white murders is not fair. Neither is the fact that in general, nearly 75% of victims in ANY death row murder case are white. Does this mean that white victims are more important than other murder victims? I really do feel for the families of victims of murder, and I don’t expect them to ever get over the death of their loved ones easily. Killing the killer seems like karmic justice, so long as the person being killed actually did it. Revenge is a bad path to closure, though. Lex talionis always leads to more violence. “An eye for an eye…ends in making everyone blind.”

All that said I do not feel sorry for Lawrence Brewer or his cohorts. He is also to be executed on 21st September. If it turns out Deryl Dedmon and his group are guilty, which is likely, I feel no pity for them. If you do a crime in a state where the death penalty is a possibility and you get sentenced, as much as I don’t like the punishment, I just have a very hard time feeling sorry for you. You knew the possible consequences. If I go into your house and you specifically say anyone with muddy shoes on in your house will get their feet chopped off, but I wear muddy boots anyway, it doesn’t matter if I think it’s a harsh consequence. I know the rule.

My issue with the prior two cases is the hate crime legislation that is involved with it. On one hand, the Bird/Shepard Act was basically the “Hey, Sorry We Let All Those Black Lynchings Go Unpunished; We Good Now?” Act. It somewhat evened up the punitive repercussions of hurting someone based on ethnicity, gender, religion, and sexual orientation. Before that, someone would plea out and get a comparative slap on the wrist, if the person was punished at all. There has been a LOT of strange fruit hanging from sycamore trees throughout America’s history that went unpunished.

On the other hand, isn’t EVERY violent crime a hate crime? If it’s a crime of passion, there is a degree of hate involved. Even in a bar brawl, the motivator is that for a second, One person hates that other person enough to punch him in the face…or maybe his rugby-for-p***ies team lost, and he needs to take out his drunken disappointment about his penis size on someone’s face. But even then, dude hates his own penis size! Also, I know of only one case where a hate crime statute was levelled at assailants against a white victim.

So, I’m at an impasse. Hate crime laws and the death penalty: are they fair? Should they be re-examined and possibly abolished? The baser instinct in me says, “F*** it dude. You knew the rules!” However, the logical thought in me thinks that since the justice system is run by people who can possibly err, we cannot have such an absolute punishment as the death penalty, for we will (and probably have) errantly kill an innocent person. On hate crimes, one side of me hates bigots to the point that any extra suffering they get is well deserved. The other side of me thinks that the evening out of the punitive playing field is fair, but the wording is just not right.

All that said I have a special hate in my heart for rapists and child molesters. If you rape someone or hurt a child, I hope someone chops off your junk and sodomises you with it while a pair of syphilitic horses f***s you in your eye sockets. If you do it to any of MY friends, I will hunt you down and make you watch your d*** dissolve as I pour sulphuric acid on your lap while a trained donkey kicks you in the back of the head and kidneys. YES that’s the animal in me talking, and NO, I won’t tone it down. Domino, mother***er. >:-o

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