Thursday, July 28, 2011

When "Dick" Might Get Less Giggles than "Rick"

If you didn't already know, Dan Savage is responsible for redefining Rick Santorum's name so that the first hit you get when you Google it is this. There's a whole Wikipedia page about the neologism, plus explanation. The reason Santorum means this is because the original Rick Santorum had some very disparaging things to say about the homosexual community back in 2003. Mr. Savage was infuriated, and decided to redefine his name. The lesson? His recent signing of a slavery-lauding pledge shows his views haven't really changed.

So now, Dan Savage is threatening to redefine Mr. Santorum's [giggle] first name! It is uncertain what the full meaning is because the Funny or Die video is bleeped out through most of it. Whatever is said is enough for Rick Fox, Rick Dees, and Ricki Lake to plead with Mr. Santorum [giggle] to heed Dan's warning: DON'T TALK ABOUT GAYS ON HIS CAMPAIGN!

That's all he has to do. It's not much to ask. But the second he does, it is so on. I usually would say the collateral damage of all the other Ricks in the world, and the reluctance of a generation of Americans to name their new sons "Richard" might be worth it to make Rick Santorum a laughing stock again. However, I have friends named Rick. I don't want to look at them and laugh uncontrollably, because that will happen. So please, Mr. Froth-...er..Santorum, leave your narrow views locked up in your last-place campaign. For the love of all Dicks out there, don't make Dan strike again.










[...Psst! Dan! If for some reason hell froze over and you actually are reading this, f***ing do it, man!]

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

50 First Dates: The Love Trials of Squire Bugiganga

***DISCLAIMER: Since my new home town is so small, I’m giving this woman a fake name, and her profession really isn’t archaeology, but it is a complicated scientific field.

Awkward: realising the cashier for the grocery store queue you’re in is the woman who told you on a date that she was in archaeology, but never called you back.

Possibly more awkward: realising the next customer in your queue is the man you told on a date that you’re in archaeology, and then never called him back.

I can only imagine that it was more awkward for her, since she didn’t make eye contact with me the whole time and her face turned redder than the apples I bought. I was actually pretty fine with everything. I thought we had a really good date, but perhaps I was wrong. Not a big deal, but this is precisely the way my single life is. I had a few questions running through my head, but didn’t address them since they were inconsequential. I had many posits: Maybe she was laid off and had to work there. Maybe she had an internship and it was over and now mama needs to pay the bills. Maybe her other/side job was not going so well, given the season. Maybe she is actually still studying for her degree and this is her moonlighting job. Who cares? She works at my grocery store, and it probably wouldn’t have been so awkward for her had she just told me, “I don’t think we’re compatible. Have a nice life!” I have tough skin, I can deal with it.

This is only one dating story. This one was nice, but I’ve been on a few dates, and even attempted to have steady girlfriends two different times to no avail. I’m pretty sure that any Rochesticle can tell you, the Rochester dating scene sucks. Let me give you some examples in anachronous order:

  • My last girlfriend broke up with me 3 times in 3 months, each reason being more nonsensical than the other. I talked logic to avoid them, but the 4th time was the charm. 4th was over a public message a friend sent me that had an inside joke. I didn’t feel like spouting logic and obliged, because I’m not a f***ing emotional punching bag. In the following two weeks, she texted and called and attempted to visit me and admitted to wanting to get me back. My favourite were the 2:00am rude interruptions of my sleep…a few weeks later, I found out she has a new boyfriend. That seems fair. But you know what? F*** it. I tried.
  • My girlfriend before that seemed fine at first, but slowly showed she didn’t have her s*** together, and eventually just saw things that weren’t there. I thought she had broken up with me, because she unfriended me on Facebook, didn’t answer any of my calls, and dropped off my birthday gift, not at my home or in my hand, but where I train. Attached was a note saying she was blowing off the most IMPORTANT day of my year, for which I had been training and preparing months before. Oh, I also didn’t hear from her on my birthday. I was apparently wrong for assuming, but the ensuing argument after my big event and birthday definitely nailed the coffin shut. F*** it. I tried.
  • Yogalicious was memorable, because the first (and only) two weeks were great, then she warned me that whenever things are going well with people she dates, she freaks out and clams up and pushes them away, to which I replied, “Well, have you tried not doing that?” She replied, “I’ll try”…so six months after I hadn’t heard from her, she warned me that her ex-boyfriend was going to murder me because of all the hateful e-mail I was sending her, to which I replied, “Huh?” Someone had opened a Gmail account in my name and sent her vicious, threatening e-mails, disparaging her and her children, the ones I never met. I filed police reports, called FBI fraud hotlines, called the NYS District Attorney, and she still thought that I woke up 6 months after she wigged out on me to write her and threaten her. Two weeks later, after my car had been vandalised and I myself got threatening emails, it turned out that it was her ex-boyfriend who had done everything. THAT’S when she believed me. She apologised, and I accepted, but the more important thing to wonder about this was this: You would let your boyfriend, an admitted violent ex-convict, around your kids, but you wouldn’t even let me see a picture of them??? Am I really worse than a violent felon? What the f***?!?!?! You know what? F*** it. I tried.
  • The dates I’ve had were interesting too: there was the anti-Semitic Jew (seriously, very Jewish and very anti-Semitic), The Drug Dealer (flighty Pharmacist), Hot Doc (she was a doctor, and she was hot), Jitterbug (amateur swing dancer), Smokestacks (did so much tobacco that her voice was deeper than mine), Stonewall (GORGEOUS woman, but refused to even try to dance), the Sensational She-Hulk (a regular conversation would go, She: “It’s hot in here.” Me: “Why don’t we open some windows?” She: “Why don’t you check that f***ing attitude at the DOOR!?!?!” [CRASH! BOOM! SLAM]…then the windows would then be permanently open), and 2nd-to-No Chance, someone I could have possibly dated, but instead went for the ex-girlfriend. She’s since acquired a boyfriend. See how that worked out? Whatever. She’s a really good friend now, and I like having beautiful friends.
  • I think my “favourite” was iTunes. She has earned her name because one day I was at her house, and she turned to me and asked, “What’s ‘iTunes’?” I looked at her, then I glanced at the MacBook Pro that she has had for over a year, and I knew that this would never work out…Don’t you look at me like that! That was just the final straw! Here are just a few:

o Straw #1: On the first date, she felt she had a right to tell me what I NEED to do with my life. Most of the stuff I NEEDED to do, I had already done, but I guess she wasn’t listening, because she was too busy making a list of what I NEEDED to do.

o Straw #2: She has cable with 500 channels, but only watches CNBC. That is her news and entertainment source.

o Straw #3: She insisted that I was lying about not missing cable, but I knew more about news and the world than she did. Why? See Straw #2.

o Straw #4: It’s hard to have an intelligent conversation with someone about current events when you have to explain issues at length, including the history. If I wanted to be a teacher, I would get licensed.

o Straw #5: It’s NOT Brown vs. the Board of Education of Topanga! Topanga is the love interest of the kid on “Boy Meets World”! I highly doubt he’s racist, because he wants to date a girl named “Topanga”.

o Straw #6: How do you not know who Jon Stewart is? Even if you said, “Oh, you mean the black Green Lantern”, that would have been a much more favourable reply than the blank stare.

o Final Straw: “What’s ‘iTunes’?”

I’m either much dumber than I let on, or I am some sort of emotional masochist, but despite all this, I still keep thinking that one day, I’ll meet some woman who will put up with my s*** and be the right combination of intelligence, dark humour, charm, and hotness. Obviously though, reincarnation exists, and I was the Marquis de Sade or something. You know what? F*** it. I will probably still try. It’s hard being a f***ing optimist sometimes.

Glenn Beck: Media Whore or Just an A**hole?

Glenn f***ing Beck. Why oh why was your mother not pro-choice? In his career in media, he has said some things that were sexist, that were racist, that were contradictory, and that were flat-out wrong. Honestly, just Google “Glenn Beck” and “Comments” and add any aforementioned adjective. There are pages of info for you. I think PolitiFact did it best here.

Just when I think he can’t get any more repugnant, he proves me wrong. He stated that the Utoya Island youth camp, the same Utoya youth camp that was attacked by ultra-nationalist Anders Behring Breivik who murdered at least 68 people, smacked of Hitler Youth.

Wow. WOW! People died due to ultra-right wing swill that was not taken seriously, and this complete waste of egg and sperm feels the need to pipe up and harken Hitler once again??? About NORWAY???? It was bad enough that many news outlets, including his former employer, automatically assumed the attacks were executed by Islamic extremists and then went on tirades about closing borders to Muslims. It was bad enough that when they were proven wrong, some still held fast, and said that maybe they were in disguise; because I’m sure the terrorists just have rubber white-people masks just lying around. I’ve seen enough Scooby-Doo and James Bond movies to know that this is plausible. Right when it is officially known that the culprit is actually the product of RIGHT WING rhetoric, Beck chimes in by comparing the VICTIMS to HITLER YOUTH, a group that was just as much a machine of extremist right wing as Breivik is! What’s worse is that Beck acts like he doesn’t have his own “youth camp” Look up 9/12 Project! He, once again, is blatantly hypocritical.

What disturbs me is that people really believe everything he says! Even when he contradicts himself. He has a certain part of the public under some sort of Orwellian spell, where he’ll say in one breath that the president is a racist, then in the NEXT SENTENCE, say he doesn’t think the President is a racist, and no one calls him on it. It’s like a really long, twisted episode of “Punk’d”! These are the people about whom we should worry, because these are the people that will take up arms and try to follow through with some of the hate-speech that Beck and others say. These people are the Breiviks that will do harm to people, and the inherent intellect of the people who do take action will determine the damage done. Breivik was a smart student in school. He made a bomb and made himself a disguise to infiltrate a camp. You can call him an idiot, but he was smart enough to plot out this scheme. Imagine what someone smarter can do.

As I write this, I realise what is truly going on: Glenn Beck hasn’t been on the front page much since he left Fox. He needs to be in the public eye somehow. He is either a media whore who sits in front of the TV and computer naked and masturbates to the sound of his name when it is said or printed, or he is trying to win an elaborate bet with Rush Limbaugh to see who can say the most outrageously egregious swill and get money for doing so. Winner gets to sit naked in the money and masturbate to the sound of his name when it is said or printed. Well, I guess you got your wish, either way, Mr. Beck. You are starting to make Limbaugh look tame this week, and there are so many news outlets covering your latest “feat”, you’re going to run out of lotion and socks.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Picketing the Picketers or Craig and Chris's Excellent Adventure.


Last weekend (16-17 Aug) was the Rochester Pride Parade/Festival/Picnic. As much as I’m pro-LGBT rights and equality, I’ve never been to a pride ANYTHING, save for a demonstration here and there, but no festivals. I just had to go. I figured it would be fun, and fun it was…

I learned from prior Parade participants that there is always a group of anti-gay, ultra-con, ├╝ber-“Christian” zealots who picket and heckle the parade. So I decided that I would picket them. I made some picket signs, coaxed my awesome neighbours out, and we went hunting for hecklers.




It took less than one block before we found the first of them: two men, one tall and thin and the other short and portly. Let’s just call them Bert and Ernie, because I know that after their campaign, they probably went home to the same house and made love using a rubber ducky and a sex toy. They looked to be in uniform, each having a drab flannel/plaid shirt and hiked-up khakis, and each clutching a leather-bound bible in one hand and a loudspeaker in the other as if they were in uniform, pointed out each parade procession and warned of the group’s impending doom, to include a Presbyterian church, some transvestites who were conservatively dressed, and a little girl.

I looked at my neighbour, and just said, “Dude…”, and he knew exactly what to do. We stood directly behind them and held up our anti-anti-gay posters, and as they attempted to upset the parade procession with their fire-and-brimstone hate speech, we riled the crowd and the paraders to cheer louder to drown them out. Most poignant part of this experience was that a woman with a sign that said “Hate Kills” on one side and a memoriam for her murdered son on the other side passed by and showed them her sign, and Ernie said something to the effect of, “I don’t know what ‘Hate Kills’ means, but I do know that G-d kills, and you are sinning by being a part of this.” I had to leave them after that, for fear I’d be compelled to punch them in the back of the neck and shove their loudspeakers down their throats.


The next group was pretty big. They were handing out fliers and everything. They were, “passive-aggressive bigots”. They didn’t say anything, but they did have huge banners that had bible verses about the consequences of not taking Jesus into your heart. One of them noticed my sign and decided to talk to me. The convseration went like this:

BIGOT (extends his hand for a “friendly” handshake): Hey man, I just want to let you know that I’m not afraid of you.

ME: I know you’re not afraid of me, and I didn’t say you specifically are afraid of anyone.

BIGOT: Well you’re standing behind me with these signs that say, “Homophobes are gay”, and I’m right here.

ME: Well you must have a guilty conscience, because your name isn’t on the signs. If you look, it’s a list of all the anti-gay activists and politicians who got caught doing gay things. Is your name on here?

BIGOT: Well I see what you’re insinuating. You’re saying that we hate gays. What you’re doing is pushing your views on me.

ME: You’re doing exactly the same thing! You have a 15’ tall banner with bible verses on it, and you’re handing out literature! We are doing exactly the same thing, we’re just on opposite sides of the debate.

Bigot McGhee then tried to entrap me into a circular logic debate to get me to say that I’m a dirty, sinning homosexual, but without him saying it, so I’d be admitting my own “fault”. The problem is that (1) I’m not a homosexual at all, and (2) I left churches like that behind years ago, but I recognise the ruse: get the “sinner” to admit his/her “sin”, then when he/she doesn’t want to pray or go to your church, you are going to hell, and you feel better about yourself, because you “tried”.

One problem with this: IF you actually read the OTHER verses beside the ones scrawled on the giant bed sheet about how everyone except you is a dirty sinner, you’d know that judging ANYONE is strictly prohibited for anyone except G-d himself, and therefore by your own biblical tenets, you are going to hell with us, so we’ll save you a nice, hot, lava-dipped dildo seat. :-)

What amuses me about this is that these people claim to be doing a good deed, but they are simply wasting a perfectly good day where they could be enjoying time with their families, helping the homeless/poor, cleaning up the city, or just enjoy the sunny weather, all of which are things that their bible says they should do. Contrary to popular believe, there is no requirement that says, “Go out and deem a bunch of people sinners, then piss in their Cheerios by trying to ruin their fun time.”

I think that my mission will be to go out and undermine these overly-aggressive and passive-aggressive bigots every single year. That was the most fun I’ve had in a while. :-D

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Bachmann, Santorum, and Slavery!

Tasks for today:

  1. Read this: Conservative Group Backtracks on Marriage Pledge Slavery Language
  2. Get a little bit miffed. Michelle Bachmann and Rick Santorum signed this. You think, “I know I don’t agree with them or their politics, but they definitely could not have read this, with such historically inaccurate and racist language in it.”
  3. Research more: Michele Bachmann Slavery Gaffes Continue; Iowa marriage pledge continues to stir controversy
  4. Get a little bit more miffed. Repeat: Michelle Bachmann and Rick Santorum signed this! Are they that hard up for votes that they would try to “defend marriage” by alienating black voters? Do they even realise how racist they look right now?
  5. Find the original document: Family Leader Marriage Vow
  6. See the offending language on the VERY FIRST PAGE. Repeat: MICHELE BACHMANN AND RICK SANTORUM SIGNED THIS!!!! >:-o What. The. F***! It’s on the FIRST PAGE! You cannot miss it! It pops out at you like the end of a f***ing cracked whip (…too soon?)! That means that either they are truly bigoted a**holes who don’t care about anyone who is not just like them, they get their ideas of American history from such Hollywood classics as “Birth of a Nation”, “Passion of Christ”, and Disney’s overtly racist “Song of the South”, where the slaves were happy to play and frolic and tell tall tales to the massa’s children, or they are complete f***ing morons who make you wish their parents were pro-choice!…you know what? Why choose? Why can’t it be all of the above?
  7. RE-REGISTER TO VOTE! There is NO way I’m going to sit and let my country be taken over by these people!
  8. TELL YOUR FRIENDS TO REGISTER TO VOTE!!!!! VOTE OR DIE, MOTHERF***ERS! THIS S*** JUST GOT REAL!
  9. Repeat step 8 until ALL your friends, and your friends’ friends, are registered!
  10. Email Dan Savage and tell him Santorum’s name deserves a meaning worse than what it already has. Bachmann needs an equally offending meaning, if not worse.
Sometimes, I think that in order to maintain one's citizenship, politicians should be required to take the same citizenship test that immigrants have to take. If/when they fail, they should get their citizenship revoked and be deported to the country of their ancestors' origins. Their citizenship would then be transferred to their undocumented house servants.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Obama 2012: It's What Brown Can Do for You!


I just came home from donating blood (you're welcome, vampire babies) to two envelopes from the IRS: one letter stating they made a correction to my 2009 tax return, and a check for $250 to remedy the correction! :-D

Barack Obama in 2012: It's what Brown can do for you!

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