Friday, December 14, 2012

50 First Dates: Collected Online Dating Tips

I have been asked to collect all my online dating tips and put them into one document. Here they are. As my perpetual singleness persists, there may be addenda to this list. Enjoy:
  1. It is already implied that you do not want to go out with creepers, stalkers, chauvinists, jerks, abusers, psychos, etc. You don’t have to write it in all caps and/or with 7 exclamation points that you DON’T want to hear from them. I have yet to see a woman say, “What I’m looking for is a neo-nazi sexist pig with mommy issues. I expect to get beaten to the brink of death for serving soup slightly too hot, and if we break up, I still want you to break into my house and masturbate in a pool of your own tears while you watch me sleep. Bed wetting a plus.”
    1. Corollary 2.1: Writing such statements will never help you avoid creepers, et al. People like this tend not to self-identify. The culprit audience will not read your profile and say, “Aw shucks. I guess onto the next profile”. Furthermore, I highly doubt there is a profile where the person would write, “Hi, I’m a roofer, I love animals, and I was once arrested for going to my ex-girlfriend’s wedding, teabagging her wedding cake, and then force feeding it to her”.
  2. Try to avoid saying that you are fun-loving, and describe what you think is fun. There is no person who does not like fun, but it is a matter of what two people think is fun. Saying you like to go hiking in the summertime sounds like fun to me, but saying you like to search for evidence that the President is a closet homosexual Islamo-Kenyan fascist communist does not. If you do not describe what you think is fun, how will anyone know?
  3. If you start out your summary saying, “I don’t know about this ‘online’ thing”, or, “I think these dating sites are creepy, but I’ll give it a try”, then every connection you make online will likely fail, because what you are subliminally saying is that you think any guy on here is desperate and creepy. Though far from the truth, you will only meet the desperate, creepy ones, since you repelled the ones with good head on their shoulders with your first sentence.
  4. If you take umbrage with what someone says in his profile, then CLICK TO ANOTHER PROFILE. E-mailing him to attempt to berate him may result in him writing you back and responding point-for-point to what you said...that is, after he’s deciphered your message from text talk and grammar vomit.
    1. Corollary 1.1: Should you violate Tip #1, your whining over the verbosity of your recipient’s responses to your inanity is invalid.
    2. Corollary 1.2: Keep in mind that every trolling keystroke you send may be collected and shared with his friends and/or put into his blog, a “chronicle of nonsense” if you will, so that all may laugh at the inanity of your missives.
  5. You state that you prefer black men on your profile. You met me, and you were disappointed, because I “wasn’t what you expected”. That is because (1) you didn’t really read my profile, and (2) you don’t actually like black men. You like n****rs. I am a black man, not a n****r. Just be honest on your profile, and state that you prefer n****rs.
    1. Corollary 5.1: It is very possible that this rule applies to other people of colour and ethnicities.
    2. Corollary 5.2: Can’t tell if you like black men or n****rs? Peruse your profile for telltale signs. Do you know all the lyrics to every Lil’ Wayne song? Does the last movie you saw have a black man in a fat suit and drag? When referring to your ex, do you often use the term, “baby daddy” instead of “child’s father”? Did you use the term “hood”, but you weren’t talking about the cloth head covering attached to a shirt? If you said yes to any of these, you most likely prefer n****rs.
  6. If you go out with someone, and whilst on the date you make out with someone who is NOT your date, you do not get to be upset if he (1) leaves early without you or (2) doesn’t call you back. Also, you cannot blame your lack of success on “these stupid internet sites”.
  7. Dude...no, seriously. You’re a dude. It says on my profile, “interested in women”, so what made you think I would want to talk to you? If I DID reply and politely reminded you in my interest of only women, you saying, “You don’t know what you’re missing”, is definitely not going to change my mind. You should probably go after men who are interested in MEN.
  8. Choose your words carefully. When you say, “I’m pretty laid back”, I read, “I’m boring as s*** and will rarely do anything intellectually stimulating”. When you say, “I never know what to write here”, I read, “I am almost as imaginative as a wet rag”. When you say, “I like everything except rap music”, I read, “I’m not racist enough to be blatantly offensive, but I am racist enough to call the cops on your brown friends if I don’t know them”.
    1. Corollary 8.1: If you say, “...everything but country”, I read, “I either don’t like white people, or I am too doped up on sh**ty pop music to listen to anything beyond what the radio tells me”.
  9. Your screen name may be a cute derivative of your favourite pet’s name, but if you couple that with you gushing over your “little schmoopy-schmoop” 4 times in the same summary that is supposed to be about YOU, it’s just not cute. I want to talk to you, not your cat...actually, after reading so much about Baron von Cuddlesworth so much, I feel he and I could probably go out for a drink. You stay home.
  10. If you wouldn’t do it in real life, don’t do it in cyberspace. Would you walk up to some stranger in a coffee shop and just wink at them? How many people have you approached and said noting, but you instead poked them? Come on! Use your words!
    1. Corollary 10.1: If you actually DO wink at and poke strangers in public, you may want to re-think your ice-breaking strategies.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I'm Sorry Ms. Jackson, I Want to Help


It’s no secret that I was born pretty poor. From what I remember, I think my mom had a job, but she had to leave when she suddnely was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. S*** just went downhill after that. We moved from the Albany, NY area to a TINY village called Oppenheim, NY in Fulton County. I was also the only black kid in the COUNTY. When you’re 5, that’s cool, because to every white person in 1983/4, you look just like Arnold Drummond, or Webster. Either one. In a sea of white rural people, you look like every black person ever. This hypothesis was proven when a few years later, when I looked like MC Hammer. WTF. But I digress...It wasn’t all ethnic likeness attribution going on in Oppenheim. There was also a LOT of racism. Once I was bully victim age, it didn’t stop. It didn’t help that I was a whiny little cry baby, and that I liked things like Star Wars and Legos. The abuse was daily. Even adults got in on the action. One particular one did some things he really shouldn’t have, but I’m about 20 psychiatrist couches away from expounding on that, so just know it wasn’t good.

In 1991, and my mom decided we move to Baltimore. I thought this was a great idea, but after having been in Fulton County for 9 years, I went from being the only black kid in the school to the only white kid in the school. Also, I still liked Star Wars. I dropped the Legos for Star Trek. I started high school in one of the worst schools in Baltimore. It had metal detectors in it BEFORE Columbine. Bars were on the windows before bars on school windows were cool. I was eaten alive. I was only there for one month, thank goodness. I transferred to Baltimore City College, the third oldest high school in America, and one of the best public schools in the state. I thought, “Yes! Somewhere I can be me!”...NOPE! Apparently my fellow nerds had a hierarchy too, and I was still worm bait, because I was new, and I was STILL the only white kid in the school. No matter, I still managed to gain friends, get relatively good grades, and somewhat stay under the radar after the first year. I just kept reading and drawing and building my portfolio that I would eventually present to the Maryland Institute, College of Art (MICA) to study to be a graphic designer with my own gallery.

At home, we struggled. We were never too far above the poverty line my entire life. There were many isolated power outtages throughout my life, even in Baltimore. My mom had a few jobs, but got laid off a few times as well. The safety net in which we moochers lavish naked in a bed of food stamps and entitlements a la “American Beauty” was a lot holier than what people think, and we fell through the net holes a few times. Being poor in school is not a good thing, so I covered up that fact as much as I could...

...Until finally it got REALLY difficult to cover it up. One day in the beginning of my senior year, I was pulled out of my trigonometry class (my FAVOURITE class) to head to the office. My mother was there to pick me up. When we got to the car, she explained that we had been evicted from our home. I have no idea what she said after, “We’ve been evicted, and we need to...”, but I know we went to an office (Social Security? Section 8?), and we sat for a long time to talk to someone in a suit who didn’t want his job, given his attitude. Maybe that was his defence for the giant snake of somber people wrapping around the waiting area who suddenly get violently belligerent when their numbers are called. We then shuffled to another office to talk to someone else with another bi-polar snake waiting to attack. In every office, there was a somber serpent, likely in a similar situation as us, waiting to strike. The whole time, I thought, “I just want to go back to class.” And why not? It’s not like I have a home. School is my home now.

We finally got to what was our house early evening. Let me tell you, there is nothing like seeing your ENTIRE life on display on the lawn and curb getting poached by the vultures in the area. Every book, tape, magazine. I saw my achievements, my failures, my “works-in-progress”; most of my music was gone. All the hip-hop music on which I had caught up after having been in the black hole (white hole?) of Oppenheim was gone. All that was left was the music from my past that I buried under a box in my closet...lots of Def Leopard and Warrant. Don’t you f***ing judge me. All my comics were gone. All my art instruction books were gone. All my drawings were strewn about and/or destroyed. The evictors were not nearly as careful with my drafting table as I would have been. It definitely is not supposed to be in three pieces. Goodbye, MICA. I didn’t pick up a drawing utensil for nearly 10 years after that. “Why the f*** didn’t she just let me stay in school?”

We stayed on some friends’ couches following collecting what the scavengers didn’t. I had half my wardobe and some shoes. Luckily, that day was my Tupac day, my music collection consisted of his body of work up to “Thug Life, Vol 1”. Days went by, and I all I did was go to school and work. We shifted around from couch to shelter to couch, and all I did was do my work. We got swindled by some people out of what little money we had, so that exacerbated things a little, but I didn’t care. School and work. College application time. Since we were so poor, fees were waved for most. I applied to local ones, and got into all of them. I chose the one who would give me a free ride based on academics (Morgan Pride). Let me tell you, it is really hard to fill out applications when you don’t have a permanent address. When I got to college, though, I had an address: my dorm. Mom was still going from shelter to shelter. No one at school knew my situation. I was living off re-selling books and book vouchers. When summer came, I HAD to get into internships that would house me. FINALLY, after being on a waiting list for nearly 2 years, a Section 8 house was made available for us. FINALLY, I had a permanent address, though by then, Morgan State was my home. Life was still not easy. We were still dirt poor. Grades kind of suffered due to the stress of it all and having to work two or three jobs whilst going to school, but it finally paid off when I got a job immediately after college, and I found out I was getting paid more than my white colleague straight out of college. Who would have figured?

So here I am. This may explain why I’m so f***ed up in the head (well, that and my wife having a white baby), but it doesn’t explain why I would divulged this to you and anyone who fat-fingered their Google search for Chronicles of Narnia. There is a group called StoryCorps. They record people’s stories, and it goes into the Library of Congress archives. One day, they told the story of Tierra Jackson and John Horan. She is a woman in college who grew up in Chicago, and due to some bad circumstances, would up homeless in high school. She still soldiered on. She is still struggling, though she does have a roof over her head, but s*** is still not sweet. She is me 17 years ago, except I was ashamed to tell my story. I called StoryCorps to see if I could help in any way. When I didn’t hear anything, started a Fundly account to collect money and send to pay her bills and/or tuition. Finally, I did hear directly from her. StoryCorps gave her my information. We discussed the Fundly account, and then she forwarded my info to John Horan, her former dean. He got me in contact with Evan Westerfield. He told me of the inception of the Tierra Jackson Scholarship Fund. Now, I know where/how to help. Now, please help me.

No one was around to help me, except the social safety net, which needs a LOT of improvements. Ms. Jackson doesn’t deserve the troubles I had. Getting to college doesn’t mean you’ve made it. It just means you’re on a path. I want everyone to donate what they can to my Tierra Jackson Fundly Account, and all that money will go straight to the Tierra Jackson Scholarship Fund. If you thought about giving me a late Chanukah gift, do this. I don’t care if it’s $25 or $5. As of this blog, we’re at nearly $2,600, and that’s without me plugging this. Let’s go for $7,000: $6,000 for a semester tuition, and another $1,000 for those expensive-ass books. Hell, if we beat the goal, That would make me even happier.

So to recap, here’s what I want you to do:


Happy Whatever Holiday You Celebrate.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Craigslist FitBit Ad

I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I just made what was supposed to be a simple Craigslist ad for my old FitBit. Everyone else's: "Fitbit: Blue, Like new. All parts except the wrist band. $60 OBO." I, on the other hand...well...Just look:

http://rochester.craigslist.org/ele/3406690820.html

FitBit Ultra - Blue & Almost New!

Are you trying to get fit, or do you just want to remind yourself of how much of a lazy slug you are? Purchase a FitBit Ultra! This super-pedometer does not only track your steps:

  • Tracks steps (Suggesed: 10,000/day)
  • How many flights of stairs climbed (Suggested: 10/day)
  • How many miles traveled (Suggested: 5/day)
  • Calories burned (Suggestion varies with weight/height/BMI)
  • “Activity flower” (Suggested: @-’,-’,-’,-’,-...just trust me)
  • Sleep tracker
  • Personalised passive-aggressive 2-words phrases that pop up if you’ve been still for longer than a few minutes to remind you of what a lazy imp you are.

Link Fitbit up with your computer (PC or MAC), and you can maintain a food diary online. You can also earn badges for certain fitness achievements, like walking/running an extra 5 miles in a day or climbing the height of the world’s tallest Lego sculpture. You can also optionally interact with a whole world of people who have Big Brothered their fitness goals with the FitBit! See their rankings and either let the Alpha in you drive to beat their achievements, or taunt them as you leave those lethargic crotch-pheasants in the dust! There is even a mobile app for iPhone and Android phones and tablets, so you’ll have no excuse to continually feel guilty for falling short of your workout goals! :-D

I have every part of the FitBit except the wrist band, which didn’t survive a recent move. You’ll get:
  • The Fitbit Ultra
  • A Fitbit holster, in case you want to keep it on your belt instead of a pocket
  • The USB wireless receiver/charger, which will update your FitBit’s information if it is plugged in and near your PC

Get well on your way to doing extra things like walking around to block to get to the copy machine that is 10 yards away, simply to rack up steps. Hurry and purchase this FitBit Ultra for $60 (OBO) while supplies last...because I only have one...


...Yeah. Way too much. That last ellipse was not necessary at all. This is why I'm single. That, and the entire Lego Architecture collection distributed throughout my house. If this thing sells, I'll be surprised...by the way, if you're looking for a FitBit and you live in Rochester, Give me $60, and it's all yours.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Open Letters to My Loved Ones


Dear Republican/right-leaning friends,

Yes, Barack Obama won another term in office. This means that he will be the President for another 4 years. It does NOT mean that the devil will open up earth and swallow America. Barack Obama is not the Anti-Christ, nor is he hiding where he was born, nor was he ever a closet or open Muslim, nor is he a closet communist/socialist/fascist who plans to put his detractors in gulags to silence them while he forces your children into pre-arranged gay marriages. Your candidate lost. That’s what happens in a democratic republic: one side loses, and another side wins. It is not the end of the world because your side lost. The hyperbolic emotion you feel? That is a s*** taco, like the one that liberals had to take when George W. Bush was elected, then re-elected. Claiming Obama is anything more than the man leading the country for another 4 years is silly...I guess you can say he's an a**hole if you like, but can we keep the insults to that? Besides, the Presidency is only 4 years long. The geriatric death panels and weapon disarmament programmes and demon-run totalitarian city-states that you prophesise would take a lot longer than 4 years to implement and get running to that magnitude that you claim. He’s had 4 years, and has not so much as conjured one Islamo-devil. It’s not going to happen. What WILL happen is that he is going to retain his duties in the worst employment position ever, he’s going to age another 10 years in less than a decade, and he’s going to endure the same political bickering that he has since he first started politics while trying to do whatever he can to lead this country in a better direction, whether you think that direction is the right one or not.

Dear Democratic/left-leaning friends,

Yes, Barack Obama won another term in office. This means that he will be the President for another 4 years. It does NOT mean that he gets to steam roll over the House and the Senate and implement the agenda he promised us back in 2008. We do not have a golden ticket to get everything we want now. There is still a divided Congress, a right-leaning Supreme Court, and silos full of money from shadowy groups who put out more false propaganda than a Soviet era poster maker. Obama is head of the Executive branch. He cannot write laws and run them through Congress. He can SUGGEST laws in a write-up, but it is STILL Congress who works and passes them, and all he does is sign them and enforce them. The President has the worst job in the world. He will not be able to fulfill all your hopes and dreams, and if he fails at getting one or two things accomplished, that doesn't mean he ignored your needs and spurned you. Look at how much he has done so far. Still, there is no way one man can get everything you want done in 4 years, or even 8 years. Barack Obama is not Superman. He is a human, just like you. Treat him like one, not a messiah. Hyperbole in the positive shouldn't get too ridiculous. Also, a victory lap is always nice, but don’t berate your right-wing friends. Remember 200 and 2004? Remember those s*** tacos we had to eat? They are eating them right now, and it when you gloat to them too harshly, it’s like dumping cod liver mayonnaise on the tacos before they eat them. It wasn't the end of the world for us, and it won't be for them, but if you keep waving it in their face, it will feel like it. Don’t be a d***.

Dear Everyone,

Yes, Barack Obama won another term in office. This means that he will be the President for another 4 years. Now, let’s all be honest with ourselves: it doesn't matter if he’s a registered Democrat or Republican; when you think that you are qualified enough that you can be the leader of the Free World, your political party is “Whore”. At that point, you are so awash with money from so many different places, there is NO way you could have gotten there without bending on some of your idealistic principles. There WILL be back-deals. There WILL be tit-for-tat (he he…tattooed tits. Yum). He will do his job, and he will push an agenda, but let’s stop acting like the motivation is solely because he believes so much in a certain cause; there is a secret backer somewhere. This is the way the world works. I have friends who think there is a secret society running things. Here’s a news flash: The Illuminati is MONEY. THAT is what is running things. I hope that our President does as good a job as he can in the remaining time he has, but I also know that he is doing what he needs to in order to “pay back” those who got him into that position. This is the way of our world. Because of this, if there is a cause about which you feel so passionate that you pulled a lever or hung a chad or tapped a touchscreen for the person who you thought could help bring it to fruition, then you need to get up, get out, and do whatever you can to make it happen. Voting is the first step. Now go act. NOW! Stop reading this!

Love,

Me.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Collected Angela Bassett Facts



These are Angela Bassett Facts. I created them because f*** Chuck Norris. Also, Angela Bassett has been 30 for the last 20 years. She’s a badass. Enjoy:

  1. Angela Bassett is the darkness that Chuck Norris is afraid of.
  2. ‎During the Vote or Die campaign, Angela Bassett was the person P. Diddy sent after you if you didn't vote.
  3. Isaac Hayes was just talkin’ ‘bout Shaft, but Shaft is talkin’ ‘bout Angela Bassett.
  4. Angela Bassett let the Baha Men’s dogs out.
  5. Angela Bassett has to wear sleeveless shirts in federal buildings, because there is a ban on concealed guns.
  6. When Angela Bassett jumps in a pool, she doesn't get wet, the water gets Angela Bassetted.
  7. Angela Bassett needs no beard.
  8. When Angela Bassett does a pushup, she doesn't push the earth down; she pulls it up.
  9. There is no sign of life on Mars because Angela Bassett has already been there.
  10. Angela Bassett wears sunglasses to protect the sun from her eyes
  11. Angela Bassett doesn’t look at cool explosions, no matter how much they beg and plead.
  12. Angela Bassett turned down a role in Monster's Ball when she realised they wanted her to play Halle Barry's role and not Billy Bob Thornton's or the electric chair that killed P. Diddy.

  13. Angela Bassett is who New Hampshire sends after you if you decide to not live free.
  14. ‎There are two things you see before you die: Angela Bassett's arms, and the floor.
  15. ‎Angela Bassett was the Others in Lost.
  16. Angela Bassett is multi-lingual, and can speak fluent braille.
  17. Angela Bassett was born in a log cabin she built with her own bare hands.
  18. ‎R. Gatling 1st named his gun the Bassett gun, but too many people died from the mention of it instead of the bullets.
  19. People think the name "Angela" is an homage to angels. Truth is angels are an homage to Angela Bassett.
  20. People were enraged when Angela Bassett wasn't cast in "X-Men" as Storm, but she was: as the lightning.
  21. Angela Bassett doesn't defy age. She tells it to stay right at 33, and it listens.
  22. Angela Bassett won "The Voice" using sign language.
  23. When monsters go camping, they sit around and tell Angela Bassett stories.
  24. 100% of the 47% who don't pay income taxes still pay taxes to Angela Bassett.
  25. Angela Bassett is the only person who can hear you scream in space, because she will be the one to make you scream.
  26. After Dolly Parton's, Jolene tried to take Angela Bassett's man. Angela Bassett didn't beg, though...RIP, Jolene.
  27. Snoop changed his name because Angela Bassett is after him.
  28. Angela Bassett is the Force that Jedi really wish were with them.
  29. When Angela Bassett does bicep curls, the weights get stronger.
  30. Angela Bassett won "So You Think You Can Dance" sitting in a chair.
  31. "Gangman Style" was invented by Angela Bassett. When she was 3.
  32. The only reason Era is @ChuckNorris approved is because Angela Bassett wouldn't sign onto that s***.
  33. All the boys come to Angela Bassett's yard WITHOUT the use of sugary dairy products.
  34. Angela Bassett can slam a revolving door.
  35. Angela Bassett fought the law and she won.
  36. Angela Bassett rides on top of planes, standing, so cracking open a few windows is no big deal to her.
  37. Angela Bassett taught Cali Swag District how to Angie. They renamed it the Dougie...Cali Swag District is now dead.
  38. Angela Bassett talks about Fight Club, but no one at Fight Club dares to talk about Angela Bassett.
  39. When you're at an intersection, Angela Bassett has the right of way no matter if she's there or not.





Wednesday, August 22, 2012

A Message to All Minority A**holes

I really can’t stand a**holes. I mean...I probably AM one, but only to other a**holes. I guess I dislike pre-emptive a**holes. The Family Research Council is a group of pre-emptive a**holes. Their name belies their true intentions. They claim to want to maintain the American family, but then they do everything to destroy people’s families through Islamophobic rants, anti-sex education initiatives, and homophobic rhetoric. Most of what they say to get hate-based legislation and initiatives out there are booklets of lies with a contorted bible verse stamped on them. then they say they do what they do because they care about the direction of our country. There was this one country in Europe who’s main political party cared so much about its country, it murdered 7 million people (not counting soldiers who fought against them) to prove it. That started with pamphlets, too...just saying...

Floyd Lee Corkins probably shares my sentiment about FRC, as he allegedly walked into the DC headquarters, uttered something to the effect of, “I don’t like your politics,” and opened fire, shooting a security guard before being subdued. Floyd Lee Corkins is a f***ing a**hole. Now the FRC is on every conservative news site (...so basically the 700 Club, Fox News, TBN, and your local Chick-Fil-A) claiming that the Southern Poverty Law Centre (a group that designates hate groups), GLAAD, and other pro-gay groups were the breeding grounds for the type of violence that Corkins enacted. Does this make any sense? The group who routinely depicts non-white, non-Christian, non-heterosexual people as less-than-human are claiming that groups who want everyone to be treated equally are breeding grounds for violence. This is your fault, Corkins. What were you trying to do, start up a new radical leftist group that uses the threat of violence as a tool instead of the law itself? Were you going to call it the Pink Panthers or something?...OK, maybe not “Pink Panthers”; copyright infringement...But still, you gave the FRC the ammo more rhetoric to fire back. A**hole.

Charlie Rogers, a lesbian woman from Lincoln, NE, claimed that on 22nd July her house was invaded. The assailants stripped her naked, tied her up with zip ties, carved homophobic slurs on her body, then torched the house with her in it. She escaped to the neighbour’s house and call the police. A month later, on 21st August, Rogers was arrested for making a false report. There is overwhelming evidence that her wounds were self-inflicted and that she may have staged the whole thing. If this is true and Rogers lied, then she is one crazy a**hole. There are too many d***s in America who claim that half the reports of assaults on women are false claims and that the wolf-criers just want attention or revenge for bad nights. This, of course, is the farthest from the truth. Only a completely demented f*** would lie about such a heinous crime. Furthermore, there are more than enough crimes against the LGBTQ community. You didn’t have to make this up. Now the antis are going to say that the real numbers are inflated, leading to even more crimes to go unreported. If your crime was faked, you’ve indirectly endangered people’s lives. A**hole.

The lesson here is that a**holes come in all shapes and sizes. The unfortunate thing is that if you are not a white, Anglo-Saxon, Christian, heterosexual male, your a**holery will be scrutinised, and your actions will reflect on whatever minority group to which you belong. It sucks, and it’s not fair, but it’s true. One woman throws a tantrum in the office, and now ALL women are crazy. One black dude banged a white girl some time ago, and now we’re ALL after your pretty little white children...OK, that actually might be true for Clarence Thomas and OJ Simpson, but the rest of us don’t really care! Minority a**holes, please be careful of where/when you display your douchebaggery. You’re giving your detractors ammo every time you load YOUR guns.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

50 First Dates: You Can Put Lipstick On A Troll...

Online dating sites are full of some interesting characters. I hear the horror stories from my female friends, and I am not surprised, because let’s be honest: guys are dicks. I’ve had an online presence that I use every once in a while, one time on a certain one that claims there are many fish in the sea...what they don’t say is that most of the fish have Pfiesteria. Plethora of Pfiesteria, I crafted a profile that essentially began with:
“#1: I’m pretty socially left-leaning, and I do take part in causes for which I believe. #2: I’m a nerd, but I can still chill out with the Eloi when I want to.”
Out of the blue one day, I received a message from someone without a picture, or much of a self description. Just this paragraph:
Well a little about me...I am blunt, some say its rude...I beg to differ. I enjoy anything thats exciting...elaboration: something must catch my eye immediately..very easily distracted. I like my men like my car...clean, smooth and obedient...lol.
...Apparently, something distracted her from using grammar check. Unfortunately, what caught her eye was me. The following exchange occured before I got bored with it:

SYLANI: As for #1 one...most virgos are too ignorant or narrow-mind to listen or even understand ones view...so yea i can agree with the first.

#2. Ok you're a "nerd"....most would like to think they are because they think its sexy to females...but if you say so. I can only analyze that far....gotta get back to work...enjoy ur day!

ME: Hi,
As for #1, I don't know how many virgos you met in your life, but only a few of the ones I know are ignorant or narrow-minded, as it is highly illogical to not hear all sides of an argument, which is what virgos stereotypically do.

For #2, I stated that I am a nerd because the women who think it is sexy will know outright, but also because the women who are not attracted/pass judgement on people like me will not message me, expecting me to be something that I am not.

Well, I just got back from a road trip, and should get some rest. If you are interested in learning about me, email me. My name is Chris, by the way.

Cheers,
Chris


SYLANI: My argument for #1 isnt that virgos dont hear all sides...they are just too narrow-mind to get the concept and too ignorant to understand the other persons view. As far as #2 I believe that yoy are thinking either too hard about it or thinking a little too highly of yourself. I saw your pro and decided to comment...lol interest of the heart was not the issue....moreso the brain and knowledge of virgos and their annoyance...apologize if you got the wrong impression and no i will not be emailing you because i dont care that much to know wgo you are.

ME: If you don't care that much, then what was the point of even emailing me? It would be much easier to simply pass over my profile rather than send me a message, in which there is a potential that I would engage in some sort of conversation. Just sending an unsolicited email to someone for whom you have no interest with nothing but backhanded comments in it is the type of behaviour that probably makes people believe you to be rude, not blunt.

There is no matter of the heart here. I offered for you to learn more about me because you have a lot of egregiously incorrect assumptions about me and my personality, not because of any romantic interest. If you don't plan to talk to me, that is fine. You can continue to maintain your wrong assessment of me; I highly doubt we'd ever meet or interact in the real world anyway.
Enjoy your day!

-Chris


SYLANI: You are correct we would never meet...wasting time is not my forte. I came across your pro and read what you wrote...yea i did try to analyze it a bit...but i think you got the wrong idea...it was a mere observation....trust me. And as for the long drawn out messages...there is no need for it.....lets just say we dont exist to each other. Enjoy your day!

ME: I'm sorry you think my responses are long and drawn out. I should have surmised from your sparse profile with an abundance of grammatical errors that if you don't like to write, you probably don't like to read either. Unfortunately, I cannot pretend you don't exist. The irony of a woman who knows absolutely nothing of me calling me ignorant and narrow-minded based on where stars were located when I was born is not lost on me. The fact that you neither shared your real name nor have a picture up make it funnier. You have been an excellent anecdote to share with my friends. Perhaps next time, you'll think twice before sending and unsolicited message to someone full of insulting, inaccurate analyses. I will promise that should you feel the need to retort again, my response will be only two (2) words. :-)
Best Regards,
Chris

SYLANI: lol...your so stupid...As for the spelling...I have a bachelors in biotechnology...so yeah...plenty of computers around to check...I don’t really need to explain to you, a gay guy with hideous facial features anything...no one would talk to anyone so ugly. tell you’re friends I said “hey”...you have a pathetic life that you have to share your online dating fails with your friends. they are laughing at you behind your back. i see why your single. you should get your life together if all you do is talk about what you did online. i bet they hate you...lol...you should slit your wrists and see how many of them laugh out loud when you die...dummy.

ME: Apologies, I was going to just respond, “F*** off”, but again, you are making even more assumptions. Your behaviour seems like a cry for help. You should really get some therapy. “Gay”? “Ugly”? Really??? You’re down to name-calling? I’m secure enough in my heterosexuality that you questioning it means nothing. I have dated enough women who think quite the contrary of my facial features, and it is laughable to be called hideous from a woman (if you really ARE a woman) who isn’t brave enough to put up a picture.

I said nothing about your spelling. Your spelling is nearly impeccable. Your grammar, however, is absolutely atrocious. I do hope that in your job, you are not writing white papers, that you are cordoned off strictly to lab work. Any publication you pen would shame your company to bankruptcy. Besides, if you truly have a bachelors degree then why not change your education field from “Associates” to “Bachelors”?

Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps my friends are laughing at me, not with me. However, as a Biotech, you should know that if I slit my wrists and die, I will not be able to tell if they are laughing, because I’d be DEAD.

Well, this was a nice back-and-forth, but I wish not to waste any more 5 minute stints to respond to your inanity. I do hope that you get the psychotherapy that you need. I will thank you though; I have not encountered an internet troll since college. I thought you people only existed in news and gamer blogs.

Ciao,
Chris.
Unfortunately, She was correct about one thing: I was a “dummy”. I definitely fed a troll, and now that I have since blocked “her” from contacting me, I cannot apologise. There is a positive to this. I have a new blog post, and this:

Online Dating Tip #1: If you take umbrage with what someone says in his/her profile, then CLICK TO ANOTHER PROFILE. Emailing him/her may result in him/her writing you back and responding point-for-point to what you said...that is, after he/she has deciphered your message from text talk and grammar vomit.
  • Online Dating Tip Corollary #1a: Should you violate Tip #1, don’t whine about the verbosity of your recipient’s responses to your inanity. Every keystroke you make may be collected and shared with his/her friends or put into a blog, some sort of “chronicle of nonsense” if you will, so that all may laugh at the inanity of your missives.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

F*** the Boy Scouts...Not You, Scout Masters!

If you didn't already know, The Boy Scouts of America's "scout law" is to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent...and straight...and a conventional monotheist. Preferably Christian.


They reiterated that gays are not allowed on 12th July, calling the exclusion "absolutely the best policy". Scouts Spokesman Derek Smith stated it clearly:
"While the BSA does not proactively inquire about the sexual orientation of employees, volunteers, or members, we do not grant membership to individuals who are open or avowed homosexuals or who engage in behavior that would become a distraction to the mission of the BSA. 
Scouting believes same-sex attraction should be introduced and discussed outside of its program with parents, caregivers, or spiritual advisers, at the appropriate time and in the right setting. The vast majority of parents we serve value this right and do not sign their children up for Scouting for it to introduce or discuss, in any way, these topics. 
The BSA is a voluntary, private organization that sets policies that are best for the organization. The BSA welcomes all who share its beliefs but does not criticize or condemn those who wish to follow a different path."
So it's not okay to be gay in the Scouts, but it is still okay for you to be a child molester. Hell, the latest case was last week. And yea, like Catholic Church and Penn State before them, they thought hiding it was a good idea. Oh, shenanigans...you will destroy children's lives...

So imagine my surprise when I posted the story on my Facebook wall, and some people actually defended their policy. For the ones that were respectful (most of them), I read and responded. I'm just responding here, because a lot of ideas were going around, and I figured an essay would be better than an endless stream of comments...also, it's my blog, and I can do what I want to. :-p

The crux of most dissenting opinions from mine is that the Scouts is to cultivate manhood and leadership in young boys and men, ages 11 to 18, and it is also the time when most go through puberty, a VERY tumultuous time for any kid. One who realises he's gay may not know what to do with his feelings will be a distraction, possibly acting on those burgeoning emotions. To protect the kids, they exclude. the other argument is that scout leaders need to promote manhood in the Scouts, and how can they do that if they're not exemplifying manhood themselves? That second argument was actually one I saw on NPR, but it should be addressed regardless.

I respectfully call BS on these idea, as ALL kids go through puberty, some will be gay, and it will be awkward for everyone. a gay kid in Scouts may have desire, but it is up to the Scout leaders to supervise the kids to make sure they don't get out of line. Furthermore, manhood is not measured by heterosexuality. It is measured by how well a male takes care of his responsibilities and takes care of those in his charge, no matter who they are. Also if there IS a scout who realises he's gay, seeing someone in a leadership position who may be like him may just help him through a difficult time. To my understanding, coming out is very difficult, especially in the awkward teen years. For the straight kids, seeing a gay mentor may show them that gay people are just that: people. There is nothing wrong with it, and perhaps they'll be more accepting of different people.

So, in conclusion: f*** the Boy Scouts. Their policy is nothing but harmful. When you have an exclusionary policy, the only thing is does is cause fear and disdain for whomever is excluded. I understand that it IS a private organisation, but it still gets public grants and free reign of public parks. Let them have their policy, but if they wish to have an exclusionary policy, then they should be excluded from public assets. Plain and simple.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Romney Badger


This is the Romney Badger. Watch it talk in slow motion. It's pretty half-ass. Look. It campaigns all over the place. "Whoa, he’s rich!" says that accountant.

Eew, it's head of Bain Capital! Oh! Now it's a governor! No, It's running for President! Oh my gosh!
Oh, the Romney Badger is just crazy!

The Romney Badger has been referred to by the Guinness Book of World Records as the most boring candidate in the presidential campaign. It really doesn't give a shit. So what, you’re poor? It’s your fault. He was born with money. If you’re poor, you have a net.

Eew! What's that in his hand? Oh, it's got the RomneyCare bill! He signed it into law! “This should be a national model”, he said…Oh wait, now it’s the law, but they changed its name to ObamaCare! Now he hates it!

Look at him say that the auto industry should fail. But wait! The auto industry got better! Now he’s taking credit for it! Gross!

Now watch this: This is its support for abortion rights. But the Romney Badger don't care. It just changes its view when it wants a vote. Whenever it goes campaigning, it just – Eew -- changes its views...Watch it whore himself for votes! Look at it whoring.

The Romney Badger is really pretty flaccid. It has no connection to most of America. Look at him, he's just making out-of-touch sounding statements. Eew! What's that? Is that another bad sound bite? [CLIP: Corporations are people too, my friend!] Oh that's nasty. It’s so nasty. Oh look: it's buying companies and shutting them down. Look at it still reaping profits though. Gross.

The Romney Badgers fairly tall, but they’re most know for their thick “Fantastic Four” hair, and, you know, their smiles are permanent, because they’re always campaigning, and their views on issues twist around, depending on what will get them votes.

Now look: Here's a Senatorial race against a Kennedy. Do you think the Romney Badger cares? It doesn't give a shit. It stabs John Lakian right in the back and uses his money to get the Republican nomination. How disgusting is that? It eats its own party members. Eew, that's so nasty. But look! The Romney Badger getting beaten by the Kennedy! Now it gives a shit. It says it doesn’t want to run for something he won’t win again. What a wussy! What a crazy fuck! Look, it’s going back to Bain Capital. 

Now, what's interesting is that the Romney Badger still ran for governor after its Senate loss. It says, "You vote for me, and I’ll promote stuff that I’ll back track on in a few years when I run for President. What'daya say, stupid?"

Look at the Romney badger: "Thanks for the votes, stupids!"

It doesn’t care, and you know what? When it was at Bain, It was like a jackal too. Look at these little industries. It’s like, "Thanks stupid! Thanks for all the profits! Now I’m gonna bankrupt you. No pension for you. See you later!" The Romney Badger gets all the profit while these other animals have to go on unemployment. 

At nightime the Romney Badger goes campaigning, because it's hungry. Look! Here comes a fierce battle between a Jesus Christ Newt and a Romney Badger. I wonder what will happen? Look at this, there's the Romney Badger just pandering to voters, and then look, "Get away from me!" says the Newt, "Get away from me!" Romney Badger don't care. Romney Badger smacks the shit out of it, Except in South Carolina. And the Jesus Christ Newt comes back and it lashes at the Romney Badger. Oh, little does the Romney Badger know, it's been stung! It's been attacked by a Super PAC, so while it's campaigning and -- eew, that's disgusting -- all the poisonous venom is seeping into the campaign. Look at them, you sneaky fucks.

Now the Romney Badger has enough votes for a GOP nomination. “Thanks again for the votes, stupids! I’m gonna make all my friends rich, and I’m gonna fire more people!”

Now it's going to get right back to campaigning for votes and saying whatever he thinks will get him elected, because it's a hollow little bastard.  Look at this! Like nothing happened! The Romney Badger gets right back up and makes shallow soundbites! 

And of course, what does the Romney Badger do for the next two months? Pander for votes.

The Romney Badger.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Diplo Debacle

Last week I was listening to NPR and had an eargasm. Audie Cornish interviewed Diplo on "All Things Considered. They kept playing clips from songs, and it took all my power to not jump out of my chair and dance. BTW, if you have a FitBit, jumping out of your chair and dancing counts as 25 steps, and your flower gets to the halfway point. Here's the interview: Diplo: Building A Bridge From The Underground To The Mainstream. You listen to it, then come back to read my pointless tirade. I'll wait...


...Dope, right? So I was going to write a comment about how my ear sockets are filled with audio love and how it is going to be a goody day, but I saw a number of angry comments, like this:
"The staff of NPR seems mostly like sane adults. Why can't they use some taste when choosing this stuff? Could anyone really like this 'music' without being on amphetamines at a rave? I like lots of techno and wild music, but at least it has a melody and some sense of arrangement besides noise. Odd, the artist himself sounds like a nice enough man, and somewhat logical."
Also this:
"I'm glad you never called him a musician. Calling a DJ a musician is like calling a house painter an artist."
...And my favourite:
"Really surprised and disappointed to hear this on NPR. I suspect you're trying to appeal to new audiences, but you're going to drive away the loyal audience you already have."
There were a few more comments that I assume came from the fabled tome "You Kids Get Off My Lawn!" & Other Clichés for People over 65. So instead of regaling the awesomeness of the interview. I said this:
"I find it hilarious that you people are tuning into a show called "All Things Considered" and getting upset at the fact that they are considering all things. 
You complain that NPR wasted your time, but then waste even more time by e-whining about how NPR wasted your time. If you don't like it, move on to the next story. 
ME: I wonder what the next article is. 
NPR: Next on NPR: Keith Urban. 
ME: ...On second thought, perhaps I'll make a sandwich. 
See how easy that is?"
 I thought that would have been the end of it, until the next day, I got a text from a good friend in Buffalo who asked if I was the Chris Thompson in Rochester who commented on the Diplo article, to which I said, "Wha?" But sure enough: Letters: 'Music Curator' Diplo. Around minute 1:40 if you don't want to read the transcript.


...I know, right! How cool is that? People from the west coast were texting me and calling me to see if it was me! It was going to be a good day.


I don't really think I have a point to this entry, except that I was on the radio, and you weren't. >:-p

Friday, June 1, 2012

Movie Previews

This is the series of movie previews that I put together after Battleship came out. There was only one board game movie that was worth watching. That was "Clue". You know why it worked? It had Tim Curry in it. "Battleship" doesn't have Tim Curry in it. F*** "Battleship". And F*** Michael Bay for tea-bagging ALL aspects of our childhood. What's next? A movie about exploding Cross Colours overalls? But I digress...Here are your movie previews, and thank you to Khari Barton for helping:

After the "success" of Battleship...
 Andy Smith thought things were great. He was literally climbing the corporate ladder at RungCo, LTD, slide and ladder manufacturer, until one late night:
"Ahhh! These chutes are actually giant robot snakes!"
Shia Lebouf: "I'd better climb this ladder to get away from these snakes...oh no! They're everywhere and I don't have a robot buddy to save me!"
Samuel L. Jackson: "I've had it with these motherf***ing snakes on these motherf***ing ladders!"
In a Michael Bay film: SNAKES AND LADDERS.

This time, the snakes mean business.
"I want the truth! Why would a ladder/slide company be building giant-a** snakes? Oh sh- [GIANT UNNECESSARY EXPLOSION]"
Coming to theatres July 2013.


New from Joel Schumacher...
Everything seemed great in Candyland. Food was bountiful, and everything was edible and sweet...until... "AHHHH! Milk flood! Why did we make all our buildings out of gingerbread?"

One disaster exposed a maze of corruption more complicated than Mouse Trap, and now the race is on to stop the man who would tell the world.
"Why did all these people drown in the milk flood?"
"Years of strictly candy consumption ballooned their weight and gave them diabetes. They didn't stand a chance, Hank."
"We've got to warn people!"
...But who can Hank trust when his whole world is coated in caramel?
"My teef! They're falling out! No! There's even sugar in the toofpaste! WHY!!!!"
The fat guy from lost: "After him! [Pant, pant] so tired...Ooh! Candy bar!"
John Goodman: "We need to find that man and give him the cane."
And Megan Fox in a fat suit: "I can't act, but you don't care."

CANDYLAND. Sometimes life is too sweet.
May 2014.

(Many thanks to Mr. Barton)
Brought to you by the directors of Saw and the producers of Silence of the Lambs: Dusty Rhodes sat quietly in the waiting room of the hospital for the second time. It had been a week since he came in with a case of "stomach butterflies", but when the doctor told him they needed to run some more "tests", he knew something was wrong.
Dusty had no idea didn't know how right he was It seemed like an eternity before the receptionist called his name on the loud speaker.
"Mr. Rhodes, the doctor is ready for you.
As Dusty sat down, the doctor began to speak. But before he could even get the words out Dusty knew... He was gonna need...

an OPERATION!!!!!!
This film is not yet rated.

(My take)
BZZZZZ!
The world’s survival depends on him…
BZZZZZ!
But he is near death…
BZZZZZ!
Only a team of the most elite doctors can save him…
BZZZZZ!
The clock is ticking…
BZZZZZ!
Will they save the world, or destroy it?
BZZZZZ!
“For the love of G-d, DON’T HIT THE SIDES!”
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! [Fade to black]
John Cena.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson…
BZZZZZ!
OPERATION.


"Hector Mármoles-Blancos disappeared in a mangrove swamp while searching for a cure for his cancer. Now his family have gone to the same swamp to find out what happened. They thought he had just died peacefully...
But now they know…
“Oh my G-d…He’s been EATEN!”
…his fate was far worse.

[Nom nom nom] “Do you hear that, Marbeline?”
[Nom nom nom] “Quick! Shoot that hippopotamus!”
“But they’re a protected species!”
“Just do it! It’s obviously rabid!”
[BLAM] “Whew, that was close. [nom nom nom nom] But I shot it! How is it still alive?!?!?”

“We’re surrounded by multi-coloured zombie hippos! Quick! Scurry around pointlessly so as to confuse them!”

The Mármoles-Blancos learns that hippos aren’t just famished; they’re HUNGRY-HUNGRY.

Nicole Kidman, Ice Cube, Those ginger twins from Harry Potter, and Bon Iver…
Ice Cube: “They seem to only be eating the other Mármoles-Blancos. What’s the deal?”
Nicole Kidman: “…I’ve been wanting to tell you, you’re adopted. You were originally a Mármoles-Negros.[NOM NOM NOM] “EEEAAAAAAGGGHH!!!!”
Ice Cube: “Marbeliiiiinnne!!!!”

HUNGRY-HUNGRY HIPPOS.


(Again, thank you, Mr. Barton)
Tomorrow...
From the producers of Wall Street and the mind behind Batman Begins and Inception comes a thriller guaranteed to knock your block off...
Smitty lived a hard life, taking care of his mother in a small home off of Baltic Ave and providing heath care for her made life even harder. Right around the corner, people were living the real good life. He could smell the fancy dinners and hear the laughter coming from the Hotel lobbies on the Boardwalk.

One night as Smitty walked home in the rain from a gruelling 12 hour shift on the rail roads, a silver car raced past him splashing muddy water all over his clothes. The car stopped, backed up, and rolled the window down.

Smitty approached, and struggled to see who was in it. A small man wearing a top hat could barely be seen from the cracked window. He tossed $200 at Smitty saying, "Clean yourself up!" before speeding off.

Smitty could smell the success on that mysterious stranger. Something inside Smitty broke that night, and as he looked across the strip at that moment, he knew he would never feel that way again. He would change his circumstance or die trying. His eyes narrowed as he thought of the chance he never got and as tears welled up in his eyes, he yelled out with a passion that would rattle the heart of the very chest of the community he seemed imprisoned by, "I WILL OWN THIS TOWN!!!!!"
MONOPOLY.

...and I haven't even done Quentan Tarantino's "Scrabble" yet. You're welcome.

Monday, May 21, 2012

50 First Dates: F***ing Autocorrect

Reason Why I'm Single #2012:

I met a nice woman who is as busy as I am. The e-flirting was good, and the few times we went out, it was fun. I asked her out this past weekend via text:

ME: How's your day going? Care for a ride in the temp-mobile later, or are you busy?
SHE: Hey :) Ugh, this day has been bananas! Thanks for the invite, but I'm already busy tonight...I'm actually already booked all weekend :-/ Sorry, spring is rough for my social life, with lots of [work] events.
ME: No apologies needed! You did say you're usually busty for spring because of all the [work] events. The weather is just going to get better, so we postpone for another time.
ME: [...smacks face] Dammit! Busty = BUSTY! WTF, autocorrect?
ME: [GAAAAAHHHH!!!! >X-o] BUSY!!!! I am going to go hide my head until the red in my face subsides...so in about a week.
It does not help that she has an amazing chest. My phone sometimes gets very Freudian. I've not yet heard back from her...f*** you, autocorrect.
 

50 First Dates: The Drunk & Hot Girl

It's been a long time since I've told you a tale
Of drunk & hot girls.
Here's one of a woman who I will call Gail,
A drunk & hot girl.
I thought she was great for about six weeks straight,
But all my affection turned into hate,
She dumped me then asked for the contact for my mate,
That drunk and hot girl...

So I've been radio silent for a while...sorry about that. I feel the need to tell this story of "Gail", whom I met randomly outside of a show on the edge of the dude-bro district of Rochester. Given the area where I met her, I should have known better, but she seemed clever and witty enough.

We weren't really all that serious, but we did enjoy our time. Things were going fine until about a month in, when I got a text asking if I was no longer interested in her, to which I replied, "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" She said I seemed distant as of late, it's been going on for about a month...but we'd only been dating for a month...

So I quelled her fears and we continued on, until two weeks later, when one day, I had unfortunately lost my phone. I found it the next day, but it was dead. When I was finally able to charge it and turn it on, I got the following text messages:
"I guess someone is passed out right now! Good night, and give me a buzz tomorrow."
"Did you get my text last night? Are you okay?"
"Do me a favour and lose my number, you obviously have more important things than me (unless you want to eat, drink, & f***). I was trying to be patient, but it's getting worse. Take care now."

:-o What! I lost my phone, for crying out loud! We had a good day the prior day! I  explained my cell phone situation and that were I just talking to her for eating, drinking, and f***ing, I would not have made time for her at all, and probably not have introduced her to my friends. That let to the following dialogue, via text:
SHE: I said lose my number. You're no good for me.
ME: Fine, you won't hear from me If you cannot respect me enough to realise that I've other obligations but still try to make time for you, then you're no better for me than you think I am for you.
SHE: Good, because I get the sense you are unavailable and I wear my heart on  my sleeve. We're too different. Take care and no hard feelings.
ME: [>:-o] No hard feelings, yet you tell me to lose your number? That closes the door on being so much as friends! FYI: I've been burned by nearly everyone I hold dear, from family to friends to my own (now ex-) wife. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it takes time and patience. I was just at that point, and then you dump me over a lost/dead phone.
SHE: We were never friends. I asked you about facebook a month ago and you never responded.
ME: [>X-o] {Bear in mind, I friend requested her within 4 weeks of knowing her. Also, REALLY??? Facebook is now the definer of who our friends are?} I sent you a request 3 weeks ago, but you never responded!...Just stop. You said we're done, so we're done.
House pass, and I went to sleep, thinking it's done...NOPE! While I slept:
SHE: I can't sleep so I know I still care about you. So if you really did send a request I would like to give it another chance if you do.
You'd think that would be the end of it, but at work the next morning:
SHE: Please don't make me wait all day for a response, not this time. I'm guessing you get a lunch break.
Right, why would me being at f***ing work hinder my ability to text message some drunk & hot girl? I relented though:
ME: Why would I want another chance with someone so quick to assume the worst of me when I can't respond to her as promptly as she thinks I should?...You dumped me over me losing my phone, essentially....What will happen when I must travel and I'll not have easy access to a phone? Will you think I'm banging some Eastern European whore?  You don't even think of us as friends, which is the worst part. You told me to lose your number, so I will.
SHE: K Thanks.
Hours later, near midnight:
SHE: Last text...I'm sorry for the mean things I said. I was hurt by little things you did or didn't do, but I didn't say anything, and that's my fault. I was also rejected a lot as a teenager because I was not hot...Not sure I will ever get over that, which is also not your fault. You're a good man and you'll find a good woman.
Oh now you're sober, how'd I know you'd say that, you drunk & hot girl? Well, I supposed that closes another chapter in my adventures in dating, but no. A week later, nearly at midnight again:
SHE: I'm still sorry for telling you to lose my number...I miss you.
"Ra ra ra ra ra", that's how the f*** you sound, you drunk and hot girl. A little bit unhappy with the text at a time when most humans sleep, but I figured she was getting it out of her system. THIS will be the last text...A week later:
SHE: Sorry if this is awkward, but since we were never serious, would you mind forwarding me [Zack's] number? Maybe he and I are more compatible.
ME: [After about 50 "WTFs" and unscrewing my face from looking like this D-X<] Really??? You dump me based on BS, tell me to lose your number (yet it seems OK for you to use mine), question my integrity, and now you ask for my friend's number? I commend you on your chutzpah, but in what part of the galaxy were you born that made you think you'd get a favourable response? Or are you just trying to insult/hurt me now?...You told me to lose your number, and I did as you said. Now please afford me the same courtesy.
She did NOT afford me that courtesy:
SHE: I'm from a galaxy where people realise that 1. some relationships were not meant to be, 2. people make mistakes, and 3. forgiveness is possible. I also believe that everything happens for a reason; I was trying to make lemonade out of lemons. It's ok though, I understand, and I promise I won't bother you any more.
She did NOT want any lemonade I would give her at this point. The hypocrisy that spewed from her brain to her fingers boggled my mind. I pointed that out to her in no uncertain terms, explained to her how completely oblivious she was when regarding another person's feelings, and that is the last thing I said to her ever. Will she try to contact me again? The jury is out, but I highly doubt it. I expect I'll see her in town since Rochester is small, but I know now not to engage. I've gone through too much bulls*** just to mess with that drunk & hot girl.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Whole Deck o' Race Cards! Guest Starring Robert de Niro.

So everyone probably heard about the Trayvon Martin case. George Zimmerman, a local neighbourhood watch participant in a Sanford, FL community shot and killed 17-year old Mr. Martin as he suspected him of being serial robber. Martin was just visiting family and walking home from a local store. Zimmerman claimed he shot Martin in self defence. There is already a report about a story that contradicts Zimmerman's. Martin was armed...with a pack of Skittles and a bottle of iced tea. I don't know every detail of the case, but having been a victim of walking-while-black in the South (and the North), I have a bad feeling that justice is not done, Zimmerman is not telling the whole truth, and the local police did a BS job of investigating, because the browner the victim, the less important it is for them. The local police did very little, and even were satisfied with Zimmerman's self defence claim, but fortunately, a federal grand jury weighed in. I really hope that the real truth comes out.

On a lighter note, Robert de Niro made news by attending an Obama campaign fundraiser and deadpanning this line:
"Callista Gingrich. Karen Santorum. Ann Romney. Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady? [Audience Laughter] Too soon, right?"
...OK, not the best of jokes and definitely not the best of de Niro's performances, but not that big a deal. It probably would have been funnier with a better delivery. Newt Gingrich, though, a man who loves to claim the left is always playing the race card, pulled the race card. He claimed that this is the type of language that divides this country. He said also, "On behalf of both my wife, and on behalf of Karen Santorum and on behalf of Ann Romney and that is I think Robert De Niro is wrong. I think the country is ready for a new first lady and he doesn’t have to describe it in racial terms".


Newt Gingrich, the man who said that Spanish is the language of the ghetto, who said he would tell the NAACP to get off welfare, who call the President the "food stamp president", is talking of divisive language. Let that sit in your head a minute, and try not to get an aneurysm. He is not going to be the first of the right-wing yutzes to chime in. There will probably be a de Niro boycott or something. There will be a giant backlash, claiming the Left get to make jokes all the time, but when the Right do, there is a giant backlash.


I could get behind that argument, but for one thing. When the Left make jokes, for the most part, they are somewhat clever, save for Bill Maher's. When the Right make jokes, the go straight for the untouchables. Calling the president's mother a slut who f***ed a dog, the monkey/ape imagery, the witch doctor photo, calling a woman a slut and a prostitute for testifying on Capitol Hill...where is the cleverness in that? Repeating what people said back in 2008, but replacing "black" with "white"...kind of a chuckle. Saying the President's parents were African chimpanzees, and his health care plan involved him with a bone through his nose...Where do I even start? It doesn't help that the initial criticism comes from the man who is the poster boy for race- and gender-baiting offensive language. Get better writers, and maybe you won't face backlash for the most offensive jokes against your opponents. Just sayin'...

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