Monday, May 21, 2012

50 First Dates: F***ing Autocorrect

Reason Why I'm Single #2012:

I met a nice woman who is as busy as I am. The e-flirting was good, and the few times we went out, it was fun. I asked her out this past weekend via text:

ME: How's your day going? Care for a ride in the temp-mobile later, or are you busy?
SHE: Hey :) Ugh, this day has been bananas! Thanks for the invite, but I'm already busy tonight...I'm actually already booked all weekend :-/ Sorry, spring is rough for my social life, with lots of [work] events.
ME: No apologies needed! You did say you're usually busty for spring because of all the [work] events. The weather is just going to get better, so we postpone for another time.
ME: [...smacks face] Dammit! Busty = BUSTY! WTF, autocorrect?
ME: [GAAAAAHHHH!!!! >X-o] BUSY!!!! I am going to go hide my head until the red in my face subsides...so in about a week.
It does not help that she has an amazing chest. My phone sometimes gets very Freudian. I've not yet heard back from her...f*** you, autocorrect.
 

50 First Dates: The Drunk & Hot Girl

It's been a long time since I've told you a tale
Of drunk & hot girls.
Here's one of a woman who I will call Gail,
A drunk & hot girl.
I thought she was great for about six weeks straight,
But all my affection turned into hate,
She dumped me then asked for the contact for my mate,
That drunk and hot girl...

So I've been radio silent for a while...sorry about that. I feel the need to tell this story of "Gail", whom I met randomly outside of a show on the edge of the dude-bro district of Rochester. Given the area where I met her, I should have known better, but she seemed clever and witty enough.

We weren't really all that serious, but we did enjoy our time. Things were going fine until about a month in, when I got a text asking if I was no longer interested in her, to which I replied, "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" She said I seemed distant as of late, it's been going on for about a month...but we'd only been dating for a month...

So I quelled her fears and we continued on, until two weeks later, when one day, I had unfortunately lost my phone. I found it the next day, but it was dead. When I was finally able to charge it and turn it on, I got the following text messages:
"I guess someone is passed out right now! Good night, and give me a buzz tomorrow."
"Did you get my text last night? Are you okay?"
"Do me a favour and lose my number, you obviously have more important things than me (unless you want to eat, drink, & f***). I was trying to be patient, but it's getting worse. Take care now."

:-o What! I lost my phone, for crying out loud! We had a good day the prior day! I  explained my cell phone situation and that were I just talking to her for eating, drinking, and f***ing, I would not have made time for her at all, and probably not have introduced her to my friends. That let to the following dialogue, via text:
SHE: I said lose my number. You're no good for me.
ME: Fine, you won't hear from me If you cannot respect me enough to realise that I've other obligations but still try to make time for you, then you're no better for me than you think I am for you.
SHE: Good, because I get the sense you are unavailable and I wear my heart on  my sleeve. We're too different. Take care and no hard feelings.
ME: [>:-o] No hard feelings, yet you tell me to lose your number? That closes the door on being so much as friends! FYI: I've been burned by nearly everyone I hold dear, from family to friends to my own (now ex-) wife. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but it takes time and patience. I was just at that point, and then you dump me over a lost/dead phone.
SHE: We were never friends. I asked you about facebook a month ago and you never responded.
ME: [>X-o] {Bear in mind, I friend requested her within 4 weeks of knowing her. Also, REALLY??? Facebook is now the definer of who our friends are?} I sent you a request 3 weeks ago, but you never responded!...Just stop. You said we're done, so we're done.
House pass, and I went to sleep, thinking it's done...NOPE! While I slept:
SHE: I can't sleep so I know I still care about you. So if you really did send a request I would like to give it another chance if you do.
You'd think that would be the end of it, but at work the next morning:
SHE: Please don't make me wait all day for a response, not this time. I'm guessing you get a lunch break.
Right, why would me being at f***ing work hinder my ability to text message some drunk & hot girl? I relented though:
ME: Why would I want another chance with someone so quick to assume the worst of me when I can't respond to her as promptly as she thinks I should?...You dumped me over me losing my phone, essentially....What will happen when I must travel and I'll not have easy access to a phone? Will you think I'm banging some Eastern European whore?  You don't even think of us as friends, which is the worst part. You told me to lose your number, so I will.
SHE: K Thanks.
Hours later, near midnight:
SHE: Last text...I'm sorry for the mean things I said. I was hurt by little things you did or didn't do, but I didn't say anything, and that's my fault. I was also rejected a lot as a teenager because I was not hot...Not sure I will ever get over that, which is also not your fault. You're a good man and you'll find a good woman.
Oh now you're sober, how'd I know you'd say that, you drunk & hot girl? Well, I supposed that closes another chapter in my adventures in dating, but no. A week later, nearly at midnight again:
SHE: I'm still sorry for telling you to lose my number...I miss you.
"Ra ra ra ra ra", that's how the f*** you sound, you drunk and hot girl. A little bit unhappy with the text at a time when most humans sleep, but I figured she was getting it out of her system. THIS will be the last text...A week later:
SHE: Sorry if this is awkward, but since we were never serious, would you mind forwarding me [Zack's] number? Maybe he and I are more compatible.
ME: [After about 50 "WTFs" and unscrewing my face from looking like this D-X<] Really??? You dump me based on BS, tell me to lose your number (yet it seems OK for you to use mine), question my integrity, and now you ask for my friend's number? I commend you on your chutzpah, but in what part of the galaxy were you born that made you think you'd get a favourable response? Or are you just trying to insult/hurt me now?...You told me to lose your number, and I did as you said. Now please afford me the same courtesy.
She did NOT afford me that courtesy:
SHE: I'm from a galaxy where people realise that 1. some relationships were not meant to be, 2. people make mistakes, and 3. forgiveness is possible. I also believe that everything happens for a reason; I was trying to make lemonade out of lemons. It's ok though, I understand, and I promise I won't bother you any more.
She did NOT want any lemonade I would give her at this point. The hypocrisy that spewed from her brain to her fingers boggled my mind. I pointed that out to her in no uncertain terms, explained to her how completely oblivious she was when regarding another person's feelings, and that is the last thing I said to her ever. Will she try to contact me again? The jury is out, but I highly doubt it. I expect I'll see her in town since Rochester is small, but I know now not to engage. I've gone through too much bulls*** just to mess with that drunk & hot girl.


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