Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Craigslist FitBit Ad

I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I just made what was supposed to be a simple Craigslist ad for my old FitBit. Everyone else's: "Fitbit: Blue, Like new. All parts except the wrist band. $60 OBO." I, on the other hand...well...Just look:


FitBit Ultra - Blue & Almost New!

Are you trying to get fit, or do you just want to remind yourself of how much of a lazy slug you are? Purchase a FitBit Ultra! This super-pedometer does not only track your steps:

  • Tracks steps (Suggesed: 10,000/day)
  • How many flights of stairs climbed (Suggested: 10/day)
  • How many miles traveled (Suggested: 5/day)
  • Calories burned (Suggestion varies with weight/height/BMI)
  • “Activity flower” (Suggested: @-’,-’,-’,-’,-...just trust me)
  • Sleep tracker
  • Personalised passive-aggressive 2-words phrases that pop up if you’ve been still for longer than a few minutes to remind you of what a lazy imp you are.

Link Fitbit up with your computer (PC or MAC), and you can maintain a food diary online. You can also earn badges for certain fitness achievements, like walking/running an extra 5 miles in a day or climbing the height of the world’s tallest Lego sculpture. You can also optionally interact with a whole world of people who have Big Brothered their fitness goals with the FitBit! See their rankings and either let the Alpha in you drive to beat their achievements, or taunt them as you leave those lethargic crotch-pheasants in the dust! There is even a mobile app for iPhone and Android phones and tablets, so you’ll have no excuse to continually feel guilty for falling short of your workout goals! :-D

I have every part of the FitBit except the wrist band, which didn’t survive a recent move. You’ll get:
  • The Fitbit Ultra
  • A Fitbit holster, in case you want to keep it on your belt instead of a pocket
  • The USB wireless receiver/charger, which will update your FitBit’s information if it is plugged in and near your PC

Get well on your way to doing extra things like walking around to block to get to the copy machine that is 10 yards away, simply to rack up steps. Hurry and purchase this FitBit Ultra for $60 (OBO) while supplies last...because I only have one...

...Yeah. Way too much. That last ellipse was not necessary at all. This is why I'm single. That, and the entire Lego Architecture collection distributed throughout my house. If this thing sells, I'll be surprised...by the way, if you're looking for a FitBit and you live in Rochester, Give me $60, and it's all yours.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Open Letters to My Loved Ones

Dear Republican/right-leaning friends,

Yes, Barack Obama won another term in office. This means that he will be the President for another 4 years. It does NOT mean that the devil will open up earth and swallow America. Barack Obama is not the Anti-Christ, nor is he hiding where he was born, nor was he ever a closet or open Muslim, nor is he a closet communist/socialist/fascist who plans to put his detractors in gulags to silence them while he forces your children into pre-arranged gay marriages. Your candidate lost. That’s what happens in a democratic republic: one side loses, and another side wins. It is not the end of the world because your side lost. The hyperbolic emotion you feel? That is a s*** taco, like the one that liberals had to take when George W. Bush was elected, then re-elected. Claiming Obama is anything more than the man leading the country for another 4 years is silly...I guess you can say he's an a**hole if you like, but can we keep the insults to that? Besides, the Presidency is only 4 years long. The geriatric death panels and weapon disarmament programmes and demon-run totalitarian city-states that you prophesise would take a lot longer than 4 years to implement and get running to that magnitude that you claim. He’s had 4 years, and has not so much as conjured one Islamo-devil. It’s not going to happen. What WILL happen is that he is going to retain his duties in the worst employment position ever, he’s going to age another 10 years in less than a decade, and he’s going to endure the same political bickering that he has since he first started politics while trying to do whatever he can to lead this country in a better direction, whether you think that direction is the right one or not.

Dear Democratic/left-leaning friends,

Yes, Barack Obama won another term in office. This means that he will be the President for another 4 years. It does NOT mean that he gets to steam roll over the House and the Senate and implement the agenda he promised us back in 2008. We do not have a golden ticket to get everything we want now. There is still a divided Congress, a right-leaning Supreme Court, and silos full of money from shadowy groups who put out more false propaganda than a Soviet era poster maker. Obama is head of the Executive branch. He cannot write laws and run them through Congress. He can SUGGEST laws in a write-up, but it is STILL Congress who works and passes them, and all he does is sign them and enforce them. The President has the worst job in the world. He will not be able to fulfill all your hopes and dreams, and if he fails at getting one or two things accomplished, that doesn't mean he ignored your needs and spurned you. Look at how much he has done so far. Still, there is no way one man can get everything you want done in 4 years, or even 8 years. Barack Obama is not Superman. He is a human, just like you. Treat him like one, not a messiah. Hyperbole in the positive shouldn't get too ridiculous. Also, a victory lap is always nice, but don’t berate your right-wing friends. Remember 200 and 2004? Remember those s*** tacos we had to eat? They are eating them right now, and it when you gloat to them too harshly, it’s like dumping cod liver mayonnaise on the tacos before they eat them. It wasn't the end of the world for us, and it won't be for them, but if you keep waving it in their face, it will feel like it. Don’t be a d***.

Dear Everyone,

Yes, Barack Obama won another term in office. This means that he will be the President for another 4 years. Now, let’s all be honest with ourselves: it doesn't matter if he’s a registered Democrat or Republican; when you think that you are qualified enough that you can be the leader of the Free World, your political party is “Whore”. At that point, you are so awash with money from so many different places, there is NO way you could have gotten there without bending on some of your idealistic principles. There WILL be back-deals. There WILL be tit-for-tat (he he…tattooed tits. Yum). He will do his job, and he will push an agenda, but let’s stop acting like the motivation is solely because he believes so much in a certain cause; there is a secret backer somewhere. This is the way the world works. I have friends who think there is a secret society running things. Here’s a news flash: The Illuminati is MONEY. THAT is what is running things. I hope that our President does as good a job as he can in the remaining time he has, but I also know that he is doing what he needs to in order to “pay back” those who got him into that position. This is the way of our world. Because of this, if there is a cause about which you feel so passionate that you pulled a lever or hung a chad or tapped a touchscreen for the person who you thought could help bring it to fruition, then you need to get up, get out, and do whatever you can to make it happen. Voting is the first step. Now go act. NOW! Stop reading this!



Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Collected Angela Bassett Facts

These are Angela Bassett Facts. I created them because f*** Chuck Norris. Also, Angela Bassett has been 30 for the last 20 years. She’s a badass. Enjoy:

  1. Angela Bassett is the darkness that Chuck Norris is afraid of.
  2. ‎During the Vote or Die campaign, Angela Bassett was the person P. Diddy sent after you if you didn't vote.
  3. Isaac Hayes was just talkin’ ‘bout Shaft, but Shaft is talkin’ ‘bout Angela Bassett.
  4. Angela Bassett let the Baha Men’s dogs out.
  5. Angela Bassett has to wear sleeveless shirts in federal buildings, because there is a ban on concealed guns.
  6. When Angela Bassett jumps in a pool, she doesn't get wet, the water gets Angela Bassetted.
  7. Angela Bassett needs no beard.
  8. When Angela Bassett does a pushup, she doesn't push the earth down; she pulls it up.
  9. There is no sign of life on Mars because Angela Bassett has already been there.
  10. Angela Bassett wears sunglasses to protect the sun from her eyes
  11. Angela Bassett doesn’t look at cool explosions, no matter how much they beg and plead.
  12. Angela Bassett turned down a role in Monster's Ball when she realised they wanted her to play Halle Barry's role and not Billy Bob Thornton's or the electric chair that killed P. Diddy.

  13. Angela Bassett is who New Hampshire sends after you if you decide to not live free.
  14. ‎There are two things you see before you die: Angela Bassett's arms, and the floor.
  15. ‎Angela Bassett was the Others in Lost.
  16. Angela Bassett is multi-lingual, and can speak fluent braille.
  17. Angela Bassett was born in a log cabin she built with her own bare hands.
  18. ‎R. Gatling 1st named his gun the Bassett gun, but too many people died from the mention of it instead of the bullets.
  19. People think the name "Angela" is an homage to angels. Truth is angels are an homage to Angela Bassett.
  20. People were enraged when Angela Bassett wasn't cast in "X-Men" as Storm, but she was: as the lightning.
  21. Angela Bassett doesn't defy age. She tells it to stay right at 33, and it listens.
  22. Angela Bassett won "The Voice" using sign language.
  23. When monsters go camping, they sit around and tell Angela Bassett stories.
  24. 100% of the 47% who don't pay income taxes still pay taxes to Angela Bassett.
  25. Angela Bassett is the only person who can hear you scream in space, because she will be the one to make you scream.
  26. After Dolly Parton's, Jolene tried to take Angela Bassett's man. Angela Bassett didn't beg, though...RIP, Jolene.
  27. Snoop changed his name because Angela Bassett is after him.
  28. Angela Bassett is the Force that Jedi really wish were with them.
  29. When Angela Bassett does bicep curls, the weights get stronger.
  30. Angela Bassett won "So You Think You Can Dance" sitting in a chair.
  31. "Gangman Style" was invented by Angela Bassett. When she was 3.
  32. The only reason Era is @ChuckNorris approved is because Angela Bassett wouldn't sign onto that s***.
  33. All the boys come to Angela Bassett's yard WITHOUT the use of sugary dairy products.
  34. Angela Bassett can slam a revolving door.
  35. Angela Bassett fought the law and she won.
  36. Angela Bassett rides on top of planes, standing, so cracking open a few windows is no big deal to her.
  37. Angela Bassett taught Cali Swag District how to Angie. They renamed it the Dougie...Cali Swag District is now dead.
  38. Angela Bassett talks about Fight Club, but no one at Fight Club dares to talk about Angela Bassett.
  39. When you're at an intersection, Angela Bassett has the right of way no matter if she's there or not.

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