Thursday, December 31, 2015

Stop with the COSpiracies

Bill Cosby was finally arrested, after 40 years and 50 allegations, of sexual assault. His bail was set and posted. He cannot leave the country. Finally, after a year of Larry Wilmore reminding us the he didn’t forget about that motherfucker, the Pennsylvania Justice System showed that they didn’t forget about the motherfucker did it either.


Now, I’m calling on you, black people, to not deify Bill Cosby. We cannot have another “Support Him No Matter What” situation. We can’t have another OJ. Don’t try to explain away what happened. Don’t accuse the women who came forward of “just wanting money”. Don’t Excuse his actions because “they were from a different time”. Don’t claim that his arrest is a deliberate distraction from recent  cases of inequality and/or the Tamir Rice and Sandra Bland cases. And for the love of God, PLEASE stop perpetuating that dick-punchingly inane conspiracy that the White Man™ played a long game to ruin Bill cosby because he wanted to buy NBC.


Just.


Stop.


Our heroes of the past were all human. That means that they were flawed. Michael Jordan is a great basketball player, but he also had a gambling problem. THis does not detract from him being a great basketball player. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a REAL social justice warrior. We’d likely not be where we are now were it not for him. However, he also had a few extramarital affairs. This does not de-legitimize his work to make everyone in this country equal in the eyes of the law, as much as J. Edgar Hoover attempted to make it so. Cosby’s body of work in comedy and entertainment raised some of us, whether it was “I Spy” in the 1960s, “Fat Albert” in the 1970s, or “The Cosby Show” and “A Different World” in the 1980s, or any other work he has done. However, over 50 people have come forward, at risk of their own reputations, to accuse this motherfucker of rape. This is not some infidelity, or a few thousand dollars on games. This non-consensual, drug induced, violation of people’s bodies. He even said in an affidavit that he acquired quaaludes for the purpose of drugging women and having sex with them, so please, if you keep repeating, “innocent until proven guilty”, take a ball peen hammer, and hit yourself in the nuts. If you don’t think that you can do that, please call me, and I will be happy to help you. I have three pairs of steel toe boots.


Over 50 women came forward. Only one case of one victim was seen in court and resulted in a settlement. It is utterly ridiculous to claim that 50 women were only out for money. 50 women, from 50 different walks of life, who never knew each other but have the same story with the same modus operandi, all of a sudden banded together to get money from one person? That makes about as much sense as a Trump presidential election bid, and sadly it is still gaining traction, like a Trump presidential election bid. Both can be stopped, though. You have to use a critical weapon called USING YOUR GODDAMN HEAD. Beverly Johnson didn’t need money. Neither did Tamara Green. Neither did the women who DIDN’T want their names public. The idea of the “devious woman” is as old as the story of Eve, and it needs to end now.


The 1960s and 1970s were a different time, by definition. That does not mean that actions in those times were not wrong. Spousal rape was not first outlawed in the USA until the 1970s, but it was still happening long before a law was on the books. It still wasn’t a nationwide crime until 1993. Drugging women with quaaludes (or any drug) was commonplace in the 1960s and 1970s. It was still by definition non-consensual sex. If a person cannot affirm that she is open to sexual advances, then it is assault, whether the law is on the books or not. The women who came forward did so in droves, uncoordinated, because there is safety in numbers. the blow of the slut-shaming they endure is likely a lessened thanks to their mutual support of each other.  The women who didn’t come forward until just now didn’t do it then, because what is happening right now to them would have happened tenfold back then. Their characters are being assassinated by individuals and the media, and Bill Cosby himself. Their histories are being torn asunder, so that people can prove that they were promiscuous and lecherous she-devils. If they so much as kissed a boy on the cheek when they were 8, it will be plastered everywhere. Why would anyone think they would receive justice in an environment like that? And black people, the same thing happens to us when we speak of getting profiled in stores, or being unnecessarily detained or beaten by overzealous officers, or being turned down for a loan or lease. We are battered with questions about what we were wearing, what were we doing, how we were speaking. If we so much as have one picture of us with a Supersoaker in hand or dancing, then our detractors exclaim, “See! They’ve got weapons, and look at the way they’re dancing! They’re thuggish animals!” Time has softened the public’s view of women who come forward to accuse someone of a crime. People actually LISTEN to them, and it is still a minefield. So, black people, if you are placing the blame on the women who came forward “late” at risk of their own reputations and careers, then please staple your mouths shut, and never speak again.


Finally, my dear black people, The conspiracy theories need to stop. Bill Cosby was not arrested to distract us from the Sandra Bland case, or the Tamir Rice case, or any other case. He was arrested in Pennsylvania. Tamir Rice was killed in Ohio. Sandra Bland was killed in Texas. None of these are Pennsylvania. If you think that Cosby’s arrest was an attempt to keep us from focusing on other things,  you think that we are as narrow minded and stupid as people have been saying we are since Europeans started colonizing Africa. You insult your own intelligence. We can focus on more than one thing, hoping a serial rapist gets his day in court can be one of those while we’re still fighting to get more transparency and cooperation with our local police and justice departments, so that we don’t have more Tamir Rices and Sandra Blands.


The “distraction” conspiracy theory is nowhere near as mind-numbingly idiotic as the claim that The White Man™ wanted to destroy Cosby because of his failed bid to purchase NBC in the early 1990s. He just didn’t have enough money to do it. That is all. He also ventured to own a stake in ABC, which may have been a conflict of interest. It is amazing what you learn when you research something more than third-rate conspiracy sites. The NBC revenge conspiracy is an insult to actual conspiracies and plots that WERE actually perpetuated to take down successful black people. There is a whole list of them, beginning with mid-Atlantic slave trade. Then there is Jim Crow, the literal burning down of Black Wall Street, the Tuskegee Experiment, and Hoover’s plots to subvert civil rights activists through scandal. But this is not any of them. The only person who conspired to take down Cosby was Cosby’s abject hubris and hyperbolic sense of worth. He took himself down. There is a list of black men who have been in the news, who have done things that the public deems disgraceful, that you’re saying The White Man™ conspired to socially eradicate: Michael Vick, Tiger Woods, Mike Tyson, Cee-Lo Green, Michael Jordan, etc. The problem is that all of these people took themselves down. Vick ran a dog ring. Woods cheated on his wife, Mike Tyson was an abusive husband and was CONVICTED of rape. Cee-Lo Green ADMITTED that he did a Cosby™ on a woman, and then defended himself by further admitting it. Michael Jordan gambled subversively. The White Man™ did not force them to do these things. They did it themselves. If the White Man™ were so intent on bringing down every successful black person, then why is Oprah Winfrey still one of the richest people in the nation? If you think is only black men about which the Man™ is concerned, then why is Denzel Washington still on top of his game, or Will Smith, or Neil deGrasse Tyson, or Magic Johnson (who BEAT HIV)? All of these immensely successful people would be on SKid Row by now. Every time you say, “I’m not defending Cosby, but…” you sound like people who say, “I’m not racist, but…”, and then say immensely racist things.

There is a definite distraction from things important to the black community in the US. It’s these conspiracies that make no sense. Our wages and education are in general very disparate, and we still have the residual racism permeating through society that has a lot of people, even our own people, viewing us as assailants before we’re considered human. But please, harp on about how Cosby is being dragged through the mud because of a failed NBC bid. Keep talking about how his career is ruined, ignoring the lives he ruined. Defend the rapist. Before you do it, please put uranium down your pants. You should not reproduce, and the sterilization procedure should be painful.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Slut-Shaming Feminisim: The Konundrum of the Kardashians, and Caitlyn Jenner

The Kardashians are not as bad as you think, and Caitlyn Jenner sucks.
I saw a few memes this year essentially depicting the Kardashians as cock-hungry she-demons who use their enormous butts like siren calls to entrap (mostly) black men. If you push for a deeper explanation of these memes, ones that say things like “American Whore Story” or “The Only KKK That Will Allow Black Men In”, you hear comments akin to what you hear about most single women in public:
  • They have no shame.
  • They’re sluts, because of their pitiful marriage records.
  • They’re always sleeping with multiple people.
  • They are trying to “trap” a man.
  • They love black men too much.
The first one, “They have no shame”…that is the only one with which I agree. They have had more reality shows and series than they have siblings. Kim is always trying to “break the internet”. She has an entire book of selfies. On her 18th birthday, it seemed like Kylie Jenner IMMEDIATELY ran to the first magazine and did a pictorial wearing assless pants, getting manhandled a creepy older model, and posing in a wheelchair, just to make sure pretty much everyone is pissed off. Kardashians have no shame, and they have no problem monetizing the exploitation of their bodies, or at least the most prominent parts of their bodies. In conversation, I often interchange the word “Kardashian” and the Star Trek race “Cardassian”. Both are originally from foreign lands. Both are very opulent and shallow. Both are primarily known for large natural protrusions coming off their bodies. The real issue about them having no shame: why do you care? They exploit their own bodies. That means that they are in control of them. They know what the public wants to see, and they tease the public with tidbits here and there.  Maybe they’re exploiting themselves for fame and fortunes, but that is their prerogative. If the Cardassians Kardashians decide that they don’t want to do any more reality shows, they can just walk away after their contracts are up. Kim can decide not to grease up her butt and pose in Mapplethorpe-esque poses anymore. She has a book of selfies, not someone-elsies. THEY are all in control of the flow of what you get from them, and they are letting it flow right now, and making money off of all of us.
Are the Cardassians Kardashians promiscuous and trying to “trap” guys, due to their collective multiple failed marriages? That depends; is this 1950s middle-American society, or 1800s Western Europe, or nearly any patrilineal society before the 21st Century? Back in the day, divorce was illegal, because unlike same-sex marriage, divorce actually DOES destroy marriages, because that is what it is by design. Once divorce was legal in all states, it was still socially discouraged, and women who got divorced were considered sluts for the simple fact of wanting a divorce. Divorced men were fine. Usually the question to them was, “What did SHE do?” So you can be in a dangerously abusive marriage. You can fear for your and your child’s life. Even in those circumstances, you were expected to stay in the marriage, and it was somehow your fault that your husband was so terrible to you. If he was a chronic cheater, it was YOUR fault that he wasn’t satisfied at home. If you separate or divorce, then YOU are the slut. Looking at Kim Cardassian Kardashian alone, she was married three times counting Yeezus West. In between those marriages she dated a few people, most famously Ray J; we all know about the sex tape. If you look at the Kim K. relationship timeline, there is no overlap.
There are only gaps. The gaps are wide and small, but they are gaps nonetheless. That doesn’t sound like a “slut”; it sounds like a serial monogamist. The same can be said of the other Cardassians Kardashians: no overlap, just gaps. That sex tape says nothing of how slutty one is, because she was in a monogamous relationship with Ray J, and a lot of people tape themselves having sex. If anything, you can call her a narcissist. A lot of their spouses/boyfriends, however, have quite the Venn diagram of relationships. No one discusses their habits, though. The Cardassians Kardashians suffer from something from which all of us single people suffer sometimes: shitty judgment of first impressions. They did dissolve those
relationships eventually, though. If being in multiple monogamous relationships that have fizzled out for various reasons makes one a “slut”, then every single person who has had at least one relationship in the past is a slut…that designation is only reserved for gay/bi men and single people with uteruses, though. Straight men usually get a pass, no matter what they do….Well…straight white men at least…
The Cardassians Kardashians’ penchant for dating black men has become a lightning rod with which to judge them for a while. There are a few problems I have with this. For one thing, they do not exclusively date black men, unless there is a secret Nick Lachey is hiding, and we’re going by the One-Drop Rule. My other problem is precisely why people are so quick to mention the Cardassians Kardashians’ black relationships. During American slavery, black men were literally bred like dogs. They called male slaves bucks. They forced them have sex with women slaves in order to make stronger babies. I doubt everyone was willing in this situation. This is likely one of the few cases where both the perpetrators and victims of the forced sex were simultaneously sexually abused. After slavery was abolished the “mystique” of the black man as a virulent specimen of untamed, unquenched sexual stamina persisted. People acted like black men were uncontrollable animals who would steal your children and rape them in the night. Hundreds of black men were lynched and castrated, accused of horrendous sexual crimes, whether a crime happened or not. When people point out specifically how many black partners the Cardassians Kardashians have had, and equate that to them having insatiable carnal desires, they not only perpetuate that 200-year stereotype of
the black sexual beast, they make the pushback against said stereotype so forceful, that cases where a black man actually HAS raped someone will be defended by people aware of this history, and their defense usually includes a healthy dosing of slut-shaming of the victim. This toxic environment makes true victims of sexual assault by anyone not want to come forward, and people get away for their crimes for years, until a group of victims band together and step forward, at which point the statute of limitations is long past, so the perpetrator is pretty much free. ...But enough about Bill Cosby. Back to the Cardassians Kardashians…beside the fact that they do not exclusively date black men, they might just have a general attraction to darker hued people. They are Armenian. Armenians would pass a paper bag test, but they are definitely not the social understand of “white”. Perhaps they are attracted to the people who would also most likely appreciate their darker skin. I would love to claim that as a black man, I am a smoldering monument, chiseled from a Vulcan monolith carnal sexual prowess, waiting and willing to explode, but I have a mirror and enough disappointed exes who will attest that this is not the case. Bringing up the Cardassians Kardashians black partners is not an indicator that they are “sluts”.
The Cardassians Kardashians may be many things. “Sluts”, they are not. Even if they were sleeping all over town, I doubt that would preclude them from being bad people in general. Frequency of sexual partners does not denote a good or bad person. They are quite rich for various reasons. They seem shallow, self-absorbed, and vapid. I do not enjoy hearing them speak or seeing their TV show. There is one thing that I notice in all of the coverage of them. They do stick together. All the blood relatives stick together through thick and thin. That definitely cannot be said of many families, and is an enviable trait. They may or may not be bad people, but they at least have that strong value. The only person I cannot stand in that extended clan is Caitlyn Jenner.
I am not supposed to say that Caitlyn Jenner didn’t deserve the Arthur Ashe ESPY Award. I am not supposed to say she doesn’t deserve Glamour’s Woman of the Year award. Don’t worry; I haven’t gone Full Huckabee; I don’t believe she is a NOT woman. I don’t think she is “playing dress up”. She says that she is a woman now, I’ll respect that. I’ll respect that her name is now Caitlyn. It takes a lot of courage to come out on a global stage like that. I do not hate on her for that. I am egregiously faulting her for not speaking up about transgender/transsexual rights. Her speech for the ESPYS had many platitudes. She mentioned two transgender teens who died, one by suicide and one by murder. She highlighted the works of Laverne Cox and Renee Richards in their respective fields of show business and sports. Everyone clapped, some teared up, and most of us expected big things to happen. Jenner appeared in a few public places, but her greatest accomplishment is a new Cardassian Kardashian-based reality mini-series called I Am Cait. It is as vapid as every other reality show. She said that the hardest part about being a woman is “figuring out what to wear”. Really? Getting your fashion game on point is the hardest part? Not the fear of being ostracized by your family, or winding up on the street, or having to prostitute yourself in order to get barely enough food to survive, or having an overall fear that any time you’re in public, no matter what you’re doing, someone may pick you out of a crowd and beat you, or even kill you? 21 transwomen were murdered this year in the US. A transgender woman is murdered every three days worldwide. Most of these are beatings. Can you imagine being beaten to death? I suppose coming out while being worth nearly $100 million shifts one’s priorities.
A minority person’s wealth and fame are not necessarily a dictate that they must now be a representative for the minority person’s group, but if they are going to be public about their identity and use that fame to garner more money awards, they should probably do something to respect and honor the people who came before them who were showered with derision and death instead of rewards and a TV show. ESPN and Glamour giving Jenner an award reminds me of when Barack Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize before he was even inaugurated. HE HADN’T DONE ANYTHING YET. He even said that in his speech. He was rewarded for not being George Bush and that’s it. Caitlyn Jenner was awarded before we saw what she would do with her publicity. Also, let us not forget that SHE KILLED SOMEONE WITH HER CAR. That definitely happened, and it has been pretty much ignored. A woman, who trivializes the plight of other women of her ilk, barely recognizes that transgender people are dying nearly every day, and has yet to show any remorse for killing someone got multiple awards and is now stumping at the UN. Let us all hope that in 2016, she starts doing something of substance for her community. That does NOT mean another reality show.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

#WookieLivesMatter: Star Wars Synopsis of Episodes I-VI

This is primarily for my friend Lindsey who needed a quick refresher before she sees "The Force Awakens", but if anyone else needs a primer, please read on.
UPDATE: Like George Lucas before me, I edited and added parts of this recollection to make it better. Don't worry; Han still shot first.

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

There’s a republic of racist stereotype aliens who meet at a weird beehive of a senate house. They want to do a space-NAFTA deal with Amphibians who are also East Asian caricatures. Liam Neeson and Obi-Wan go to help negotiate Space-NAFTA with the Asian Amphibians. Some asshole in the Senate sends someone to kill them, but you can’t kill motherfucking Liam Neeson. During the ambush, they save Floppy Frog Buckwheat, who is every buffoonish black stereotype of the 1920s with gills. Everyone hates him, except for idiots. If this were Disney, they'd spend their days teaching Dumbo how to fly or telling cute stories about Br'er Rabbit to their child white masters. Frogwheat guides them to his submarine hometown, and to everyone’s horros, there is a whole nation of Frogwheats. They go back to the surface and meet Queen Natalie Portman, and she joins them on a trip to Tatooine, where meets a young child who will eventually be a mass murderer, but at this time is allowed to enter a high speed drag race involving rockets and junkyard scrap. Also, she and Pod Racing Kid are probably going to do it, once he’s legal. He also has a pet droid. Some red dude with the coolest light saber tries to kill Liam Neeson and kidnap Queen Natalie Portman, but he’s Liam Motherfucking Neeson. Had he watched “Taken” or “Taken 2” or “Taken 3: Let’s Just Admit I’m Worse Than the ‘Home Alone’ Parents”, he’d know that Liam Neeson doesn’t play murder or kidnapping…except, like, three times.  Queen Natalie Portman goes to Beehive Congress and talks shit on Space-NAFTA, and then goes home to convince the Underwater Minstrel Show to unite against Space-NAFTA, who apparently have an army of droids. Frogwheat leads the Underwater Minstrel Show against the droid army. The red dude with the coolest light saber fights Liam Neeson and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he actually kills Liam Neeson. He is the only person to kill Liam Neeson in a movie in the last 30 years. Look it up. Obi-wan cuts red dude in half, but doesn’t take his cool-ass light saber. He decides to train Pod-Racing Kid because he has a lot of Force in him, which we learn is essentially a goddamn blood disorder. The black Jedi in the movie didn’t die first, as the black community feared most.

EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (...not as good as "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes")

It’s ten years later, and the only person who has aged is Pod Racing Kid. He’s  still being trained to be a Jedi by Obi-Wan Kenobi, who doesn’t have the heart to tell him that his rat tail makes him look like a space redneck. He is somehow now close in age to Queen Natalie Portman, who is now Senator Natalie Portman, and he apparently has game, because he straight up started macking on her, and she is feeling it. His blood disorder, the Force, tells him that his mom might be in trouble, so they both travel to Tatooine to see what’s happening. She was kidnapped and tortured by spiky-football head people. Pod Racing Kid kills a whole town of them like it’s nothing. Senator Natalie Portman doesn’t see this as a red flag. Shady stuff is happening everywhere. The mystique of the coolest bounty hunter is pissed upon when you find out it’s just a clone of one dude who kind of looks like Skinny Rock. There’s some fighting between some droids and some clones. Pod Racing Kid gets his arm chopped off, so now he needs a robot arm. Yoda shows he’s got crazy bow staff skills. Again, the black Jedi didn’t die first, much to everyone’s relief.

CLONE WARS: Cartoon. Look it up. It’s dope.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

There’s a full-on civil war happening. That Pod Racing Kid (who finally got rid of that rat tail) decapitates a bad guy within about 30 minutes of the movie. He and Senator Natalie Portman are totally doing it. She’s knocked up, because either there are no space condoms or the Jedi Order forbids birth control or Beehive Congress defunded Space Planned Parenthood. Pod-racing kid is a borderline bro-dude, and is teetering between being chill Dove For Men and going full-on Axe Body Spray. Some shady stuff goes on. The black Jedi finally dies. I cried. There’s a Godfather style montage of all the Jedis being killed. Pod-Racing Kid goes full-on Axe Body Spray and kills a bunch of kids. Obi-Wan is attacked by an electric spider lizard guy, but he kills him. Yoda isn’t having any of this getting killed shit. Senator Natalie Portman dies while giving birth to twins, and seems to just pull some names out of her ass just before dying. Obi-Wan fights Pod-Racing Kid near a river of lava, and chops of his limbs, so he’s kind of a burning baked potato, but he didn’t finish the job. Obi-Wan takes the twins that Dead Natalie Portman had and gives the brother to Dead Natalie Portman’s stepfamily on a desert farm, and the sister to Senator Jimmy Smits. Pod Racing Potato is now a superhuman robot Darth Potato. The Beehive Congress is dissolved, and it’s now the Empire.

EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE

All Bad Everything. There’s a ship that looks like a moon. Darth Potato tortures Princess Leia with a weird ball that would make the people at Kink.com cringe. After that, he makes her watch as he blows up her planet. This is extra fucked up, because he’s definitely her dad. This is terrible parenting. Is there no CPS in the Empire? Meanwhile, those droids that were Pod-Racing Kid’s buddies are schlepping through the desert and meet Luke. They all meet Obi-Wan, and they see that somebody roasted Luke’s aunt and uncle, so they get the hell off the desert planet, but not before HAN SHOOTS FIRST. Also, there’s a dude who looks like if Cousin It and a cocker spaniel banged. His name is Chewbacca, and I’ll bet he sheds like a motherfucker. He’s so hairy that he can walk around with absolutely no clothes on. While on Han Solo’s ship, Obi-wan gives Luke the light saber that his father used to kill a bunch of kids, but he doesn’t tell him that part, or that he turned his dad into an evil potato without so much as a mercy kill. All of them go to the Death Star to rescue Leia. Leia is disappointed that Luke looks short in his storm trooper outfit. They jump into a garbage pit and get attacked by a monster. Then they escape, but not before Obi-Wan is killed by Darth Potato. After seeing what he did to Darth Potato, you have mixed feelings about his death. One on side, Darth Potato is totally full-on Axe Body Spray evil. On the other, Obi-Wan totally turned him into a wailing potato 20 years earlier, and had he finished the job, a lot of the entire movie probably would not have happened. Luke is sadder about the dude he just met about a day earlier, and is too self-absorbed to see how Leia is doing since her ENTIRE PLANET WAS BLOWN UP. They regroup, and a fleet of pilots and Luke, who for some reason just knows how to fly a fighter jet even though he’s been farming in a desert all his life, go to play an Atari game that blows up the Death Star. Everybody gets a medal for that, except for Chewbacca. #WookieLivesMatter.

EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

Leia kisses Luke which is awkward after you see Episode VI. However, Han and Leia are totally doing it. [INSERT "I'll bet Han Shoots First" SEXUAL JOKE HERE] Shit gets real. Rebels are holed up on a planet called Hoth, but they should call it Coldth, because it’s frozen. Luke is stuck scouting an asteroid shower, and some dumb looking ox-yeti comes from out of nowhere and ambushes him. Luke kills him, but it still lost in icy wasteland. It’s probably hallucination, but he totally sees Ghost Obi-Wan, who tells him to find Yoda and learn how to not be a useless asshole. Then his giraffe-raptor dies, and Han finds them and cuts it open and puts him in it for warmth. The asteroid shower turns out to be an Imperial probe, and now Empire deploys giant robot elephants that are vulnerable to tiny strings. The Main Characters® escape Coldth to an asteroid field where they hide in a hole in a crater. It turns out it’s really a giant worm’s mouth with bat parasites. Meanwhile, Darth Potato is super into choking people. It makes sense, with the black leather and stuff. He doesn’t respect people’s safe words, though. Anyway, Luke decides to believe Ghost Obi-Wan and look for the Muppet who is going to train him to be a badass. It’s Yoda! He hazes the hell out of Luke and takes his food. Then he makes him walk into a psychadelic tree, but it’s not a cool unicorns and rainbows trip in the tree. It’s a bad trip, like when you take shrooms and then watch a found footage horror flick at night in a creaky house during a windstorm. The rest of the crew goes to Cloud City, and there’s another black dude in the galaxy, and he likes Colt 45. He was Han’s college buddy at Tatooine U. (The Fightin’ Jawas!), but now he ain’t nothin’ but a snitch and helps Darth Potato trap them, and the coolest bounty hunter turns Han into a Hansicle. Just before the freezing, Leia says, “I love you”, and Han is all, “Whatevs”. Colt 45 gets ripped off by Darth Potato, because snitches get stitches. He decides to help Leia and Chewbacca and the droids. Luke leaves his hazing and fights Darth Potato. Darth chops off his hand and THEN tells him he’s his dad. Darth Potato seriously needs to pick up a Dr. Spock parenting book, because he is terrible at being a father. I mean, my dad left before I was gone, but he never blew up my house or chopped off my hand! Luke falls, like, 200 feet and lives somehow. He gets picked up by Leia and Colt 45 and Chewbacca in the Millennium Falcon, which I used to call Aluminum Falcon when I was a kid. What the hell kid can say “aluminum” but have trouble with “millennium”? Of course, I also said “pasghetti”, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard in myself. The Millenium Falcon has spare robot hands laying around, so Luke gets a robot hand for his new stump. The movie ends, and everybody’s like, “WTF?”

EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDI

All Bad Everything: New Death Star is under construction. Inexplicably, there are tremendous parts that are exposed, but no construction workers are dying from exposure to the vacuum of space. You find out it’s because a force field is encasing it. Hansicle is on Tatooine in the living room of Rush Limbaugh’s Soft Shitty Body. Rushbaugh-Shitbod runs a weird racketeering and slave cartel and regularly has green women dance until a boob pops out (Google Oola nip slip), and then he drops them through a trap door to get eaten by a giant leather monkey. He is totally doing BDSM culture all wrong, and he has no regard for consent. The Main Characters® have a plan to rescue Hansicle. Colt 45 is undercover. Leia wears a robot weasel mask and tries to rescue Han, but is caught and is made to wear a costume that nerds everywhere will masturbating to for years. Luke and the droids show up. All of a sudden, Luke thinks he’s a badass because he’s got a new robot hand. He gets dropped into the pit and he kills Rushbaugh-Shitbod’s giant leather monkey. Rushbaugh-Shitbod throws a fit and decides to throw everyone into a Sarlacc pit, which is essentially a giant version of that female condom with the teeth in it (Google Rapex Condom). Luke does some force shit, Leia chokes Rushbaugh-Shitbod to death (which he was probably into, like David Carradine), and they escape to the rebel base, led by an anthropomorphic squid/lobster. Meanwhile, Luke goes back to Dagobah to get more hazing by Muppet Yoda, but Muppet Yoda is dying. Before he fades to nothing, he tells Luke he’s got a sibling. It’s Leia, so now he needs to live with the fact that his own sister stuck her tongue down his throat back in Episode V. Han Solo goes to a moon full of murderous teddy bears to destroy the shield generator that is protecting the Death Half-Star, and they’re ambushed by the Empire and the teddy bears. They escape the Empire, but those bears are hungry. They think that C3PO is a god, and they like Leia because she can braid hair. They were going to eat Han, but Luke uses the Force to make C3PO look more god-like, because the murderous teddy bears are sheep. They ally with The Main Characters® to fight the Empire on Murderous Teddy Bear moon. Luke goes to meet Darth Potato, and Han fights the Empire on Teddy Bear Moon, and Colt 45 preps to attack the Death Half-Star under guidance of the anthropomorphic squid/lobster, who is rightfully scared of traps. Luke meets the Emperor who has not aged well at all, and he fights his dad yet again while the Emperor masturbates. Luke chops off Darth Potato's right hand and realizes he has a robot hand too! He doesn’t kill him, though, so the Emperor uses his magic static shock to try to kill Luke. Darth Potato isn’t having that and finally does a good thing as a father. He throws the Emperor into a pit, and he actually dies. Colt 45 succeeds in blowing up the Death Half-Star, but not before Luke can have a heart-to-heart with his dying potato dad. Han wins on Teddy Bear Planet. Everybody is happy; the murderous teddy bears are happy, the squid/lobster is happy, the Main Characters® are happy. It’s a super happy ending, except for Chewbacca. He never got didn’t get his damn medal.

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