Monday, June 27, 2016

@Almost_Tuesday Archive: 05/02: Are You There God? It's Us Jerks

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the page for archived shows.
In this episode, I gloss over Woody's mortality. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.
WOODY: I always look forward to the Chronicles of Nonsense, and I miss it when you have to miss a night! I’m excited for what you have in store today. What fun political commentary do you have for us today?
CHRIS: Sadly, I don’t have any pithy insights today. I want to address one specific individual: God.
WOODY: Um...What???
CHRIS: You heard me! I want to talk directly to God. I know you hear me! Let’s talk this out!
WOODY: Why don’t you do this in the privacy of your own home? You, like praying and stuff?
CHRIS: No, Woody. This needs to be public. God needs hear me, and all the people who agree with me.
WOODY: OK...I respect your belief, and if you want to publicly talk to God, I won’t stop you. But I just don’t think a variety show on a non-religious radio station is a good place to to do it- [CHRIS INTERRUPTS]
CHRIS: WE GET IT GOD! WE’LL BE GOOD! PLEASE, I BEG YOU TO STOP PUNISHING US! Sorry Woody. This is happening. Like now. It needs to.
WOODY: Whoa...wait. Aren’t you an agnostic Jew? I thought you were iffy about the power of prayer!
CHRIS: Things change Woody. We’re in dire times. And technically this isn’t a prayer. This is an open letter. GOD? DO YOU HEAR ME? WE’LL STOP BEING BAD! WE’LL BE BETTER! I PROMISE! PLEASE, I BEG YOU, ALL-FATHER! ALL...MOTHER? Oh man, I may have just offended God even more.
WOODY: Chris, What are you talking about? This is out of hand, even for you! And I’ve seen you in a kilt!
CHRIS: We have angered the All-Knowing, Woody! Isn’t it obvious? Just this year, we lost David Bowie, Zaha Hadid, Alan Rickman, Chyna, Phife Dawg, Merle Haggard, and last Thursday, we lost Prince! David Bowie was the white version of Prince! And Prince was the black version of David Bowie! That’s why they were hardly ever seen together. Their collective musical energy would destroy a block!
WOODY: So you’re saying all of these people were taken because of something we did?
WOODY: I don’t think this is a good way to go about this…
WOODY: WHOA! Is that…
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Yes. It is the All-Mother
MALE GOD VOICE: And the All-Father.
MALE GOD VOICE: I have heard the words of the Thompson, and I shall answer.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Many sins have been executed in my name. Repentance must occur before I forgive.
CHRIS: Yes! Anything you want, I’ll do it! WHat were our sins, and I’ll rectify them
WOODY: I don’t even know what’s happening anymore…
FEMALE GOD VOICE: The world has done too many acts in my name. I grow tired of the callousness of politicians, of wealthy businessmen who publicly lie and do not acknowledge it.
MALE GOD VOICE: I grow tired of people killing in my name, and other people denying refuge to those who escape the killing by invoking my name.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: You humans have used my name to justify beating, separating, and killing your fellow humans for too long. Such atrocities cannot go unpunished.
MALE GOD VOICE: THis is why I am taking all of your best human beings. David Bowie, Phife Dawg, Merle Haggard, Alan Rickman, and now Prince. If you cannot play nice, I will take away all of your humans.
CHRIS: I know! I’m so sorry, God! We’ll stop doing such terrible things! What would you like me to do? I’ll bake a cake for a gay wedding! I’ll quit my job and join the Peace Corps! Do you want me to sacrifice Woody?
WOODY: Wait, what?
MALE GOD VOICE: The Battaglia is not necessary.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Although one cannot have enough comedians.
CHRIS: Are you sure? Because he’s right there. You can just take him with you.
WOODY: How did that become an option!?!?
MALE GOD VOICE: No need to take the Battaglia before his time.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: I Will see him soon enough.
WOODY: “Soon enough”? Is that, like a year? A decade?...
CHRIS: OK, I’ll do whatever you say, Holiest One.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Such formal titles are not necessary. I create a universe, one primordial stardust at a time, just like everyone else.
MALE GOD VOICE: Just call me “Terry”.
CHRIS: What must I do?
WOODY: You haven’t said when “soon” is yet...Can I at least get a hint?...
FEMALE GOD VOICE: You must stop doxing women because they have an independent thought. Stop denying basic human rights to people because they are different.
MALE GOD VOICE: When you disagree with someone, you cannot simply say that they are idiots and threaten their lives. Respect their humanity.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: All of the anti-gay, anti-Muslim, and anti-everything must stop.
MALE GOD VOICE: I did not even write that book from whence you derive these hateful ideas. It was written by a group of hundreds of men, over hundreds of years.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Besides, I was drunk during most of that time. Lots of practical jokes.
CHRIS: That explains Job and Abraham...
WOODY: I don’t think Chris does any of those things, though...
CHRIS: True, but plenty of people do.
WOODY: But why should you carry the burden of jerks who do things like that? Also, about that “soon” comment...
MALE GOD VOICE: The onus is on all of you. All of humanity suffers when a few act out.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: The world could be much better with just a hint of compassion. Because if you wish not to feel my wrath, you must not only act like humans. You must act better than humans.
WOODY: I’m glad we got that all cleared can we get back to that “soon” comment?
CHRIS: We will do everything we can, Terry.
MALE GOD VOICE: Do more. Stevie Wonder is still around. So is Bettie White.
CHRIS: You can take Taylor Swift if you like.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Taylor Swift was not my doing.
CHRIS: I KNEW it! Well like I said, I’ll do the best I can. All of us will. Thank you for answering my call.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Well I like the show, anyway. Farwell
MALE GOD VOICE: And I will see you soon, Woody.


@Almost_Tuesday Archives: 05/09:The Myth of the AfAc Duck

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the page for archived shows.
In this episode, I discuss Malia Obama's acceptance to Harvard and the Internet's talent for shitting on everything positive that a black erson accomplishes. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.
WOODY: Well, last week’s Chronicle was…interesting. I assume you have a real topical piece this week? …(I hope).
CHRIS: …Yes and no.
WOODY: Oh no…Chris, you can’t call on God to come to the studio again. The boss was not happy. Can’t we talk about the news or something?
CHRIS: Oh no, Woody. I’m not going to reach out to Terry this week. I’m talking directly to the American people.
WOODY: Well, I guess that is okay, but I think that you might alienate the audience a little bit..
CHRIS: Don’t worry Woody, I only have a little beef with just a few people. First, to “C. Rover”: your son looks like if a piece of toxic waste threw up on a blobfish.
WOODY: WHOA! Where did that come from?
CHRIS: Haode: Your child is so stupid, it is legally identified by teachers as a chair. Barnaby Smithfield: your child is even dumber. It nearly drowned because it was looking up in a rain storm.
WOODY: What is happening!
CHRIS: And Greg14: You got your kid an Xbox One because you thought the system was named after his IQ! Jokes on you: He’s dead!
WOODY: Chris, what is wrong with you? You can’t just go on and insult people’s children like that? What did they do to you?
CHRIS: I’m just playing by the new rules of engagement, Woody. You know how Barack Obama’s eldest daughter Malia was accepted into Harvard University?
WOODY: Well, yeah! What does that have to do with these people you’re addressing?
CHRIS: Well, all of these people chimed in about the news. They called her a monkey, an ape. They said that unlike white students, she just had to show up to get a spot. They claimed that she was never smart enough to get in any school, and she took a spot from a worthy candidate. One prayed that on her gap year, she died or AIDS, cancer, or “one of those colored” diseases.
WOODY: Oh, like walking in Florida wearing a hoodie?
CHRIS: Too soon, bro. Too soon.
WOODY: I regret nothing. It’s a 100-year problem.
CHRIS: True…but anyway, that she got in just because she was black is insulting. She knows three languages. She’s been getting straight A’s since she was able to WRITE the letter “A”. The thought that “black privilege” is how she got in is ridiculous.
WOODY: “Black privilege”? That’s ridiculous! How would that even work? No way she got in due to privilege.
CHRIS: Well…privilege played a part, I’m sure. Both her parents went there. That’s just “legacy privilege”. You know, that thing that thousands of young white men have had the advantage of using to get into high-end private universities for hundreds of years?
CHRIS: So for this reason, I am addressing these people who threw insults at Malia Obama. These people, who likely could not get accepted into a Harvard University parking lot.
WOODY: But you’re going after their kids, Chris! That’s a bit harsh. The children never did anything.
CHRIS: Woody, let’s get real. Their beef is with her father, not her. It doesn’t matter what he does, they’ll find something wrong with it. It’s like Dan Savage says: if we rename oxygen, “Obamagen”, they would hold their breath until they pass out.
WOODY: Ooh, can we try that? I have a big family dinner next week. This will be a good way to shut up Uncle Carl.
CHRIS: Go crazy. And family members didn’t used to be fair targets for such ire. I guess we can thank Rush Limbaugh for this. He said some terrible things about Chelsea Clinton and opened up a Pandora’s Box of making people’s children fair game. The Bush Twins caught flak, and now we’re hearing even worse about the Obama children! So I am fighting fire with fire of children.
WOODY: Man, you’re really committed to this.
CHRIS: I think I’m just mad because besides being racist and horrible, they all have a skewed view of how Affirmative Action works. They seem to think there is an Affirmative Action duck running around magically giving black people jobs they don’t deserve.
WOODY: So, like an AfAc duck?
CHRIS: EXACTLY! If there were some magic duck running around giving people jobs at the cost of others, then everyone in my hood would be a doctor or a lawyer! I wouldn’t have been so poor growing up!
WOODY: I see what you mean. It is pretty insulting to think that you didn’t earn your job.
WOODY: What was that?
CHRIS: Um…nothing [WHISPERING TO AFAC DUCK] Go on! Get out of here! I told you not to follow me!
WOODY: Is that a duck with an afro? How cute!
CHRIS: N-no! You’re just hallucinating. You must be drunk again.
WOODY: Chris, You know I don’t drink in the studio! I’m a professional!...Mike Yates…
CHRIS: OK FINE! THERE’S AN AFAC DUCK! You happy? You know our secret. I didn’t even know about him until AFTER I graduated from college.
WOODY: That is amazing! So does this mean you’re about to be turned into an astronaut or a neurosurgeon?
CHRIS: Well, I’m already an engineer, so I don’t really need him. Besides, Statistically, AfAc duck is more likely to benefit women than he is me.
KARA: Guys, I just got an offer letter from NASA! They’re restarting the shuttle program, and I’m going to be the first pilot! Screw this! I’ll see you losers when I get back from the MOON! Maillie...out.
CHRIS: See? She can’t even ride a bike!

WOODY: Well, I guess everything’s back to weird here again.

@Almost_Tuesday: 05/23: Bathroom Resolutions

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the page for archived shows.
In this episode, I resolve the laws regarding who gets to use what bathroom. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.

CHRIS: Woody, I’m sure you’ve heard about the gender/bathroom laws getting propped up in state legislatures everywhere, and the pushback from everyone from private citizens to corporations.
WOODY: But Chris, I thought corporations ARE citizens. [Winky face]
CHRIS: [DEADPAN] Do NOT go there.
WOODY: Sorry. Go on.
CHRIS: It’s just getting out of hand. There are people making ridiculous false claims. A woman paraded through a Target with her children yelling at the top of her lungs that their bathrooms were full of perverts and sodomites. Just since 2016, hundred of sexual assault cases have been reported!
WOODY: You’re saying transgender people have assaults hundreds of people in bathrooms since 2016?
CHRIS: No, Woody! Are you a monster??? I was talking about cis men, and not necessarily in bathrooms! A girl was choked to unconsciousness by a man in a bathroom last week! He wasn’t wearing a dress, though.
WOODY: So how are these gender laws helping anything?
CHRIS: THey’re not. In fact more transgender people get assaulted in bathrooms, in the street, and sometimes in line waiting to order fries. But there are no reports in the United States of any transgender, or even people claiming to be transgender, assaulting anyone in any bathrooms, or anywhere else. There’s one report in Canada, and that one has very shaky credibility. There ARE a lot of reports of cis-straight men assaulting everyone from children to women to HORSES.
WOODY: Horses?!?! But I thought bestiality was a staple of the anti-LGBT “slippery slope argument!
CHRIS: It is. And that’s part of the reason why I came up with a few solutions to enforce this law easily, and keep everyone safe. Malcolm and I are actually wearing my first proposal. Malcolm, let’s stand.
WOODY: WHat’s up with that codpiece? Wait; is that- WHAT THE HELL, MAN!
CHRIS: Aw, you don’t like this? These are open-face pants. There have been a number of cis people who were harassed and assaulted because ignorant customers thought they were of the different gender of the bathroom they were using.
JON LAURIN: With these Breezy Flow™ Open Face Pants, there is no need to question anyone’s gender as they go to the bathroom, because you can see!
WOODY: But Chris, what about people who have had sex change operations? The most of the laws say you must be the gender stated on your birth certificate. Also, can you sit down now?
CHRIS: Woody, no problem! Breezy Flow™ Open-Face pants have an extra large pocket on the side, so that you can carry short- or long-form birth certificates and medical records with you. You’ll be prepared for the extra scrutinous bathroom-goer!
WOODY: Then why not just have the pocket? And really, would it not be easier to just wear a tunic or a kilt? And WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP SWINGING YOUR HIPS AROUND? It’s...distracting…
CHRIS: We gotta move to the music, Woody!
[Quickly quipping] WOODY: But there’s no music playing.
CHRIS: I thought about that, but how embarassing would it be to lift a kilt every time you have to go? You might get mistaken for a flasher!
[Quickly quipping] WOODY: But you’d you’d have to lift to go anyway.
CHRIS: But that’s a private affair! And that is why Kara is modelling the  Breezy Flow™ Window to the-
CHRIS: Oh sweet! You guys know the name already.
WOODY: How did you get Kara to put on a skirt with a giant window to see her-
JON: Is that a bunny holding a musket? Very impressive!
KARA: Thanks! I get creative with the razor sometimes.
KARA: We can’t just NOT dance to the music, Woody!
WOODY: But there’s not any music playing…
CHRIS: So the pants are only Phase One.
WOODY: Oh, dear lord. I’m scared to ask.
CHRIS: Don’t be! This phase is all about love. I’m going to start a dating service. I’ll call it Love Law.
WOODY: OK...Is it for the victims of the laws?
CHRIS: No! It will be for all of the lawmakers, lobbyists, citizens who adamantly supported and promoted this law. They’ll be able to look each other up and match up. And they’ll know which gender their match is, because they’ll have to wear the Open Face pants or the Window to the Whoa in their primary profile. Because everyone hates a surprise!
WOODY: But wouldn’t they get together and have children and indoctrinate them in the same trains of thought that got us here in the first place??
CHRIS: Don’t worry, they won’t procreate. They will have to match the same gender.
WOODY: I’m so lost…
CHRIS: See, Since the early 2000s numerous studies have determined that the people who are the most anti-LGBT turn out to harbor homosexual inclinations themselves, but they repress them and lash out because of their upbringing that admonished it. Why do you think all of these super anti-gay people keep getting caught doing super gay stuff? Heck, even Strom Thurmond, the face of racial segregation, had a black mistress at one point.
WOODY: This could be disastrous. How would they admit it in public?
CHRIS: Well, they’re already trolling Grindr and Tinder for dudes. This is even more out in the open, because with these new open face pants, they’ll see each other’s-
CHRIS: Heh...The point is, these guys all just need a little bit of loving. Love conquers all! They’ll calm down and not worry about other people’s business.
WOODY: But Chris, They say that the bathroom law was to protect women and children from sexual predators.
JON: Woody, come on. They used the same excuse for racial segregation. Hell, they used it for separating bathrooms by gender in the first place!
KARA: And besides, some of the people who claimed “protection of women and children” also said in the next breath that THEY would dress up as women to get into bathrooms and locker rooms. THEY are potential sexual predators themselves!
CHRIS: They don’t care about women or children’s safety! If they did, they wouldn’t stop calling them welfare queens and moochers and re-open healthcare clinics and job counseling centers and schools.
WOODY: What if they are so in denial that they refuse to use the site?
CHRIS: That’s what Phase 3 is for. It’s a small tweak to the current bills on the books. We will allow trans people, cis-women, and children to use all of the facilities they wish to, cis-men, however, cannot.
WOODY: only cis-gendered men would need to show their proof of being male before using the facilities? That kind of explains the pants. As horrifying as they are.
CHRIS: Nope. I mean no cis-men can pee. Ever again.
WOODY: Wow, that’s rough! No men’s public bathrooms anywhere? I don’t think that will fly.
CHRIS: No. I mean no men can pee. ANYWHERE. The vast majority of perpetrators of violence in bathrooms are cis-men. The vast majority of perpetrators of violence against trans people is cis-men. And Kara, how many times have you been in public, and the women’s line wrapped down the hall while the men’s room was virtually free?
KARA: Too many to count, Chris.
CHRIS: See? And it’s not like we treat public bathrooms well. THere are too many stalls that look like the Trainspotting bathroom! Besides, Men will go pretty much anywhere! So much so that Germans are painting their building walls with a special paint that will bounce liquid right back onto you if you relieve yourself on it. So it’s time we relinquish our urinary patriarchy and not pee, anywhere.
WOODY: But we’d all go into septic shock!
CHRIS: It’s a small price to pay.
JON: Don’t I know it! (God, this hurts)...
WOODY: Wait, do you two have to go to the bathroom?
CHRIS: Yes, but we won’t.
WOODY: Is that why you two have been girating your hips all this time? Are you just doing the pee-pee dance.
JON: No! Don’t be silly! We just love to dance!...But we have been holding it since Saturday.
WOODY: But Kara, you’re a woman!...As we can now all see. Why are you girating.
KARA: Solidarity, Woody. Besides, this song is great.
WOODY: THere’s not even a song playing. But maybe I should put on some Creedance Clearwater Revival.
CHRIS: I know what you’re doing. It’s not gonna work!
JON: It’s kind of working…
CHRIS: Be strong Jon!
WOODY: I’ve also got some Led Zeppelin. Maybe I’ll play “When the Levee Breaks”
JON: Not cool, Woody!
WOODY: Oh, I know! “Waterfalls” by TLC! That’s my favorite!
JON: I CAN’T TAKE IT! I GOTTA GO! GET OUT OF MY WAY! [Fake runs to the door]
CHRIS: You’re weak, Laurin! You hear me? WEAK! Um...I gotta something!
WOODY: Well, that was the Chronicles of Nonsense. Oh...and I think we’re going to need some Lysol and a mop in the hallway...

@Almost_Tuesday Archives: 06/13: 20 Minutes of Punishment

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the page for archived shows.
In this episode, I even out the penal code in light of the Brock Turner rape sentence. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.

WOODY: So glad Chris is in the studio with us. WHat are we going to talk about tod-[ABRUPT SMACKING SOUND]
WOODY: OW! WHat the hell, Kara!
CHRIS: What, are you blind? Kara just hit you with a blackjack.
KARA: I always wanted to do that.
WOODY: That’s assault, Kara! I’m calling the police!
CHRIS: No bother. I have have an officer in the studio right now. Take it away, officer.
OFC. JOHNSON: Hi, I’m Officer Filma Johnson.
WOODY: Wait, what did you say your name was? [SMACK SOUND]
WOODY: STOP HITTING ME, KARA! Officer, arrest her! You just witnessed her assaulting me with a weapon!
OFC. JOHNSON: I did. That’s five seconds in time-out for you, young lady.
CHRIS: It’s the new sentencing guidelines, Woody. Remember the judge in the Stanford rape case? He angered a LOT of people with his light sentence for Brock Turner. And what influenced that is likely the letters from Turner’s family and friends.
OFC. JOHNSON: That’s right. So across the land, we’re going to make things fair. The penal code is going to make all crimes treated the same way.
WOODY: This does not sound good at all…
OFC. JOHNSON: Yup. The father said that the 3 months of jail that Turner is going to get is not fair for “20 minutes of action”.
CHRIS: So the rules are changing. We’re going by a “time to punishment” scale. If 20 minutes of a violent crime is too much, then the half second it took for Kara to hit you with a deadly weapon doesn’t deserve 5 years in jail. 5 seconds will do. You should look outside the station. It looks like the Purge out there!
WOODY: But she could have severely hurt me! I could get a concussion!
OFC. JOHNSON: I know, but jail time would have a severe impact on her.
WOODY: THAT’S THE POINT OF JAIL! How is a five second time-out going to resolve anything? [SMACK]
OW! Will you please stop it, Kara!
KARA: Nope. It’s kind of fun.
WOODY: Officer, will you please do something?
OFC. JOHNSON: Fine...You’re under arrest, Woody.
CHRIS: Yes. Turner’s grandparents wrote that he was the only one being held accountable for the crime.
WOODY: HE WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING A CRIME! Getting drunk and passing out is not a crime! That’s an unfortunate rookie mistake.
CHRIS: True, but you were directly in the path of Kara’s black jack. You have to take responsibility for that.
OFC. JOHNSON: I think I smell a little beer on his breath. How do you expect Kara to NOT hit you when you’re drunk?
WOODY: You’re smelling Listerine, and that is still not a good reason to hit me!
CHRIS: Well, I mean, your head is right there, you’re a little do we not know you actually WANTED to get hit with a blackjack?
WOODY: Because it’s a blackjack! Wait, Kara...what’s that in your hand?
KARA: Ninja Star!
WOODY: AHHHHH! Why would you throw that in the studio? You just sliced off my pinky finger! I’m bleeding everywhere!
CHRIS: Oh man, I agree. Kara, that took you about 5 seconds to throw that! You’re going to get some serious time for that.
OFC. JOHNSON: That’s right. You’re getting 20 minutes in the office basement. 10 minutes if you’re on good behavior.
WOODY: But I’m permanently scarred! How does a 20-minute sentence make up for the lifetime of pain I now have to endure?
CHRIS: Oh, Woody. You have 9 more fingers to use. Stop being so politically correct. It’s just like Officer Filma said, Don’t you realize that a longer sentence would have a severe impact on her?
WOODY: I’m missing a finger! I’ll never have that finger again! And Kara gets 20 minutes in a room for that?
OFC. JOHNSON: Look, Woody. You just have to accept that this is the world we live in now. We’ve been ignoring sexual assault cases so much that DNA evidence is backlogged for years in some counties. It’s almost a sad punchline. We didn’t take it seriously before, so why not treat all crimes like this and save a lot of time and money?
WOODY: Wouldn’t it make more sense to take more action on sexual assault? [SMACK] OW! And, Chris, why haven’t you been partaking in the abuse?
CHRIS: There’s no way I could get away with the same types of crime! I’m black and not rich!
OFC. JOHNSON: Ha! Yeah. I’d have to arrest him and put him UNDER the jail.
WOODY: (Oh, I hate you guys so much)...Well, I’m cutting this Chronicles of Nonsense short. I’m dizzy...I need to go to an emergency room to see if they can re-attach my finger.
KARA: Whoo! Ninja Star!

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