Monday, August 29, 2016

An Apology for Colin Kaepernick's Actions

Dear Offended White People,
It has been a very tumultuous year for you, what with you having to be offending by Lemonade and Beyonce winning the Superbowl, and #BlackLivesMatter activists practicing civil disobedience exactly like the way Martin Luther King did, but somehow not emulating your wispy image of Martin Luther King being the good negro that your dad would have lynched. Now you have to suffer through Colin Kaepernick not standing for the National Anthem in protest of unfair treatment of marginalized citizens in the United States. I just want to tell you that I’m very sorry. Colin Kaepernick did not get the memo that the First Amendment and free expression only applies to white people.
It must have offended you deeply that Kaepernick would not stand, and then eloquently explained why he would not stand. How dare a brown athlete use his public image make a political statement! Who does he think he is? This has never happened before, and we’ll put him right in line, like we did to Jesse Owens after the Berlin Olympics, and to Tommie Smith and John Carlos after the Mexico City Olympics, and to Lebron James and Steph Curry for speaking on Black Lives Matter and donning black t-shirts, and to the WNBA’s Indiana Fever, New York Liberty, Minnesota Lynx, and Phoenix Mercury for their Black Lives Matter protests this summer. FOr the latter, though, I’ll be sure not to say anything to the white WNBA players who were in solidarity with their black teammates. They didn’t know better; they are part of the WWF*. They all should know better than to bring politics into sports. It’s not like the US ever boycotted an entire Olympic Games in protest for human rights before.  We totally understand that you want black athletes to just shut up and play like good field hands, like OJ Simpson did before he “allegedly” killed people. Once he “did” that, he was reminded how black he actually was.
I’ll make sure that Colin Kaepernick fully understands that he just cannot say things that go against your sensitive nature. How dare he say that something is wrong with the United States! That would be like saying things against the President of the United States, like claiming that he is the founding member of a terrorist group bent on destroying the country, or claiming that he is not the Christian he claims to be, or claiming that he was born outside of the US. Can you imagine if someone insinuated that his wife is actually a man in a dress, or that his children are monkey drug addicts who took hard working white people’s jobs and scholarships away? Why, that would be treasonous! It’s a good thing white people said all of that, or else we’d have to go to trial!
It is obvious that Colin Kaepernick is not a patriot. Speaking about the ills of a country is just like nuking it. Definition of patriotism should be as fragile and shallow as not standing for the National Anthem or forgetting put one’s hand on her heart for the Anthem after doing one of the most physically exhaustive sporting events in the world. I know how patriotic YOU are by how much you fight for the confederate flag to be returned to state capitols. Sure, it’s a flag that is literally another country’s flag, and it’s a bygone country that attacked American soil and was responsible for more US deaths than both World Wars, and then it was heralded as a flag representative of terrorists who murdered thousands of American citizens, but those citizens were black, so I know you don’t care about that. There is nothing more patriotic than flying the flag of a terrorists and traitors! long as you’re white. I’ll take down my red, black, and green unity flag right now.
I would like to excuse Colin Kaepernick’s protest as just a young kid’s antics, but as we know, black people mature much faster than white people. That is why so many police officers mistake us for full-grown adults at ages as young as 10. This is why the Newark Police did not have to apologize to the short-haired 10-year old who they thought was a 20-year old adult with dreadlocks. They were completely justified in pulling their guns on him and yelling at him, forever giving the complex that many of us have where we want to trust police but were too regularly traumatized by what how they treated us when we had the audacity to be children and play in our yards or playgrounds or go to school. I understand that White people age much slower, which is why Ryan Lochte can be considered just a kid after he peed on and vandalized a gas station bathroom and then lied about it. I am also sorry that the Rio de Janeiro police have decided to try him as an adult. How could they not know???
It is probably even more infuriating that Kaepernick is speaking of “injustices” when he is so privileged. He was born destitute to an unwed Teenage mother. His father skipped out before he was born. His birth mother put him up for adoption. He earned his scholarship to school for through working hard to get a 4.0 GPA. Though he was a good athlete, he had to work hard to be seen as a viable football player, because he was so skinny and needed some serious training in throwing the ball. Man, what a cushy life! It’s not like he worked hard to get a job in his father’s already successful business, and then create an empire mired in debt and business practices that would be considered borderline racketeering, like a REAL American! Perhaps he should go live in another country, like you promised to do if the presidential candidate of your choice did not wien in 2008, or 2012, or any other time that the the law upheld and fortified the rights of people of whom you thought little until they spoke up for themselves. That reminds me, to whence should I forward this apology letter? I’m sure you made good on your promise by now.
In conclusion, dear offended white people, I would like to apologize to every other famous black, gay, and female human who has personally attacked you by saying things like, “We deserve respect”, and, “Please stop killing us”. These phrases are wanton attacks on your person, just like saying, “Pardon me, nay I get past you”, in a supermarket is equivalent to saying, “I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN IN FRONT OF YOU AND SPIT THEIR BONES IN YOUR FACE!” We’ll try to be more respectful of your patriotism. We’ll keep Dixie Chicks from saying anything else so that Ted Nugent can again discuss shoving a rifle down sitting senators’ throats and threaten to start a war. Joe Walsh NEEDS to have his threats to the President be heard. While we’re at it, we will admonish Bradley Cooper for not being the role he played in a mediocre film, because I understand that hurt your feelings, too. We’ll be better.

PS- I rented a stadium of 50,000 seats. The door is open. You can take all of them.
PPS- The stadium has an open dome, and I hired a blimp to circle it, tossing 100,000 lamp shades directly at you. Bring an umbrella, which will inevitably provide you shade.

*WWF: “Woke White Friends”, a neologism from the illustrious Phoebe Robinson.

About Your So-Called Relationship with Julian Assange

World's 2nd Most Punchable Face
Dear Liberal Friends,
I know a lot of you hoist up Julian Assange as a liberator of the truth, as though he and Wikileaks are fighting the good fight, wresting the darkest secrets of various governments from their wretched grasps. He has been telling you that he brings the light of Prometheus to the masses, feeding your efforts for absolute wokeness. On paper, he looks ideal. In practicum, though, I have some bad news for you…
Julian Assange is not your Truth Bae.
Assange wants to project himself as Jordan Catalano from “My So-Called Life”. He looks all edgy, he smokes weed, he says out-of-the-mainstream things that make you think he's deeper than what he really is. You have a crush on him partially because your parents, the US Government, do NOT approve of him. When Wikileaks first came to mainstream attention, it was because they released a heap of data that made the US look bad, with embassy cables and secret battle videos and Guantanamo reports. Of course, anything making mom and dad look bad would make you want him more!
Put your fucking shirt on. You ain't fly.
But let's not forget, Jordan Catalano was always kind of a dirt bag. He kept stringing Angela along, but he still fucked her best friend! Julian Catalano doesn't give a shit about you. Forget the mystical, “those secrets jeopardize civilian lives” BS that governments who are victims of Wikileaks like to dole out. That line is as lame as your love for Julian. Those governments are just embarrassed that they were caught with their pants down. But Julain just does not care about the public citizen lives that he may hurt. One of his latest leaks outed gay Saudi Arabians and rape victims. Homosexuality is illegal in Saudi Arabia, punishable by death. Rape victims in Saudi Arabia are usually punished by their own families with death, and they are often found culpable by the government and flogged or worse. What purpose could Wikileaks have to make public information that would put common citizens in mortal danger? In what realm of reality does the slogan, “We open governments”, mean, “We get our potential reader base killed”? That shows how little dude cares about you.
You probably should have known something was up when he released a bunch of Hillary Clinton's emails and then did an interview claiming that Secretary of State Clinton deliberately sold weapons to ISIS in Libya. In his arrogance, Julian Catalano made Wikileaks searchable, probably because he knew you wouldn’t ACTUALLY search. Look at the emails. During her time as Secretary of State, she approved arming the rebel fighters. She approved nominal training. The US handling was too hands-off. SOME, not all of those fighters joined ISIS, likely out of a sense of desperation for mobility against the regime. That is NOT the same as “deliberately funding ISIS”. He twisted words around to manipulate you into thinking the worst of someone. That is such a Jordan Catalano move.
Oh Jordan. What have you become?
And let us not forget that Jordan Catalano grew up to become the Joker. He's not even one that people love. He looks like if Endgame Joker and a Juggalo had a baby. And we all know how toxic his relationship is with Harley Quinn! Julian Assange is no better! Have you forgotten the rape charges? He called it “surprise sex”. THAT’S RAPE! The only way “surprise sex” ISN’T rape is if a swinger has a surprise birthday party. I doubt that Julian Assange is a swinger, and given his penchant for stretching the truth, it is possible he is a lizard person. Lizard people hate parties and consent.
I know you love him and all, but just think for a minute. Perhaps he ISN’T waking you up with all his truth bombs. Perhaps his subversiveness is just a way to get attention for himself, and he’s just stringing you along because he enjoys the publicity. He’s probably sitting in a tub in the Ecuadorian embassy, rubbing his weird lizard-people nipples, sensing that I’m writing about him right now. He never loved you, and he never will. He is not the Woke RObin Hood he presents himself to be. He may have gotten a bunch of innocent Saudi people killed with his “opening of governments”. He doesn’t give a fuck about that, and he doesn’t give a fuck about you, only your attention to him.
Your buddy,


Monday, August 22, 2016

We Forget That Nate Parker Has Been Hoteping for a Long Time

I don’t think there was one black friend who WASN’T excited to see The Birth of A Nation, the mini-biopic about Nat Turner and his famous raid. Contrary to what your Fox News addicted uncle may prattle out of his mouth, it is NOT because black people hate white people and want to see them all die. It is because it is a slave narrative, which is definitely part of our collective history, but it is not a 2-hour snuff film or suffer porn that way most antebellum period pieces that focus on African Americans is. Trust me, I loved Roots and new Roots and 12 Years a Slave. They are stories that need to be told, I suppose in Roots case, twice. It IS our history, and it is important that it doesn’t get footnoted away for the Texas School Board to euphamize as “the time of involuntary immigration”, or some infuriatingly inane shit like that.
Black stories during slave times get emotionally tiring, though. The pride that some white people feel watching a period piece about troops marching into Berlin to punch SS elite in their crooked crossed dicks is directly proportional to the moroseness I feel when seeing slaves being the subjects of ethnic snuff films under an Alabama sun. That is because these things happened, hyperbole set aside, and they happened to people who were my ancestors. Part of my family suffered these indignities, and when you study the history of slavery, you find out that the worst of what was depicted on the screen is the PG version, despite what people might whitesplain to you. In The Birth of a Nation, we would finally get to see a story where there is a person who could have been my ancestor, who stopped taking the shit dished to him, who fought for his autonomy. His uprising was brutal. He took no prisoners, and he eventually got caught and was executed, but this was not a story about his torture and death. Finally.
Now, imagine my surprise when, in the midst of all of the Olympic coverage, I see posts popping up either demonizing or defending Nate Parker, the writer/director of The Birth of a Nation. Demonizing and defending for what? Apparently, 17 years ago when he was in college, he was accused of sexual assault. He was exonerated in court, but his roommate was sentenced to 6 months for his point, and even his record was expunged. We can never know for sure, but looking at the woman’s complaint against the school, it looks like there’s a lot to be asked about his version of events. The obligatory slut shaming and bullying of the victim of the victim doesn’t help things either. We’ll never be able to ask her side of the the story now, because she committed suicide in 2012. I’m not sure how many people who “just lied for attention” would go to that length for attention. Remember Lizzy Seeberg?
Parker said he’s devastated over this news, but this was after an interview where he used one of his daughters as a human shield against tough questions. He also brought up that he has a wife and daughters, so he’s better now! That is a total Trump move though: Do something terrible to women, and then claim you adore them and parade a few around. I just hope Parker doesn’t want to have sex with his daughter, too.
Of course, there is the thought that these rape allegations are all a plot by The Man™ to take down another successful black man, as is The Man’s™ evil plot: option a brother’s hard work for the largest multi-million dollar deal in the history of a film festival, rave about him for months, and then throw him under the bus mere months before his film is supposed to premiere worldwide. The money lost making all that happen is TOTALLY worth ruining one black man’s life. Besides, it is not like the entire story was concocted. Events definitely happened at Penn State involving Nate Parker.
As stated, there is no way to know what truly happened, and I am dismayed that I found out about this since I was actually excited about seeing his film. I got a little bit less dismayed when I found out another few things he said and did in that last few years. Back in 2014, he declared that he would never play a gay character. His reason? He wants to “preserve the black man”. He also went in on Hollywood for “effeminizing” black men”, in an effort to diminish our race. If that isn’t the most hotep shit I’ve heard this week...The idea that being gay makes one less than a man is a worldwide false trope, but in the Hotep Bible, it’s one of their prime tenets. Anything “feminine” is wrong, including women, but they’ll still pretend that their misogyny is reverence. A “feminine” man, however, is just a no-no. Regardless, his premise is bullshit. Gay men have been more than the stereotype that Hollywood likes to depict, and playing a gay role that has depth doesn’t make one less than a man. The irony is that in his determination to feed into the homophobia to fight white supremacy, he is perpetuating a European import to Africa and the Americas. Also, how exactly is he “preserving the black man” when he has a white wife? Hypocrisy is a major key to hotepping as well.
Whether Nate Parker did commit an act of sexual violence or not will be a major question that only now he can answer. Given his statements two years ago, though, I can’t say I’m entirely in his camp. Hoteps, especially ones who claim they are trying to “preserve their race”, are usually as misogynistic as they are homophobic. I am not sure who defined it best, but it is said that homophobia is the fear that another man will treat you the way you treat women. If he did it, he may not even consider what he did as rape, as many rapists think they are entitled to the women they assault, so it COULDN’T be rape. The fact that he bullied the victim does not help his case one bit. I’m not sure if I’m going to see The Birth of a Nation yet. Though initially I would say that I wouldn’t, we should remember that art and the artists may be two different things. I was hung up about A Different World and The Cosby Show for a while, but I remember my beef is not with the shows, but one actor/producer on it. What he produced were positive depictions of black families and young people. What he “allegedly” did when the cameras weren’t rolling is reprehensible, and whatever legal punishment he may get will not erase his “alleged” crimes.

Given that Nate Parker never admitted or apologized for even the bullying that he administered on this woman who took her life, the very least he could do is to give a portion of the profits of his film to an assault counseling center. That is if he is truly repentant. Something definitely happened that puts his integrity into question. One thing is for sure: his case is the first I have seen where a black dude was able to white privilege his way out of it.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Apologize to Gabby Douglas & Stop Pretending Ryan Lochte Isn't a Skank

As much as I love the Olympics, I hate the media coverage of the Olympics. They focus on thing on which I don’t care, and I didn’t realize how ridiculously sexist the coverage is. If I were an alien visiting the earth, I would think that female athletes have to relinquish their names and only be addressed by their husbands and fathers in order to compete.
A Real American Hero
The only thing worse than the media coverage is the American people watching the game. For the most part, we’re pretty good, but it only takes a few to plant the seed of dickishness against an athlete. This year’s target was also Olympics 2012’s target: Gabby Douglas. After winning gold in the team gymnastics event, People were “furious” that she didn’t put her hand over her heart when the National Anthem was played. I have two words for “people”: Fuck you. You’re incensed that Gabby Douglas neglected to put her hand over her heart? Her love of country is now in question? It doesn’t matter that she LITERALLY bent of backwards numerous times representing the USA in order to gain victory in front of millions of people from all over the world, so that we could add to our collective stash of gold medals? I throw much shade at your accusations. This has nothing to do with her “patriotism”. I’m sure the same people who have been throwing Gabby Douglas under the bus are the ones who said nothing when Donald Trump did the same crime of heart-uncovery recently. The standards are so double.
You’d think that black people would have Gabby Douglas’s back when she was attacked for the Hand-Over-Heartgate. Sadly, black people are too concerned over the look of Gabby Douglas’s hair than how she was being depicted as a non-patriot. So many tweets about her edges. People saying that she has the money to get her hair “done”. Guess what, black people? Fuck you , too. You train hardcore all your life, even more intensely for four years, edge out hundreds of other talented gymnasts, make it to Rio, once again, LITERALLY bend over backwards to win gold, and see how your hair looks. If you work out the right way, your hair is going to get a little messed up. This isn’t Planet Fitness, it’s the Olympics! Even so, HER HAIR WASN’T MESSED UP! Gabby Douglas is a black woman. Her roots are curly, and they get tighter when she sweats her ass off winning a medal in your dumbass names. That’s what black hair does. You know this, because YOU ARE BLACK, TOO. Her edges aren’t messed up. Her edges are the Line of Freedom™.
See how much cuter you are when you smile?
As if that weren’t enough, She was berated for not smiling on camera when she didn’t make the all-around finals, even though she finished third, behind two other US gymnasts. It’s disrespectful? It’s “unsportsmanlike” to not be happy? No; we’re just assholes. Douglas doesn’t need to smile 100% of the time in order to be happy for her teammates who made it. She may have been disappointed in herself and analyzing what she could have done better. Or maybe it was just her face. She didn’t look angry to me. Gabby Douglas suffers two faux conditions. She has “Resting Bitch Face”. White women have been told to smile for years, because if they don’t have even a hint of a burgeoning grin on their faces at all times, then they are OBVIOUSLY total bitches. Black women suffer from RBF as well, but it is complicated with “Resting Angry Negro Face”. This “illness” is seen when a black person is not almost cracking a smile, as though they are about to rip off their coats to show that they’ve been wearing tuxes and dresses the whole time, ready to dance and sing and shuck and jive at any moment, in the office, at the store, or just walking down the street. If we don’t have that smile on our faces, then we are OBVIOUSLY angry about something, and we will explode any second. Fun Fact: RANF is the cause of 24,901 miles walked annually by whites having to cross the street so that they don’t become the victims of our potential Angry Negro Rage™  when they see us walking toward them. That’s the circumference of the earth! That is per scared white person. Gabby Douglas’s RBF and RANF will plague her for the rest of her days. Apparently, only straight white men can have the coveted expressionless “Face”. Meanwhile, McKayla Maroney and Michael Phelps can have screw faces, and they get to be memes. Phelps even had a hoodie on for his!
Skank in the Pool

While we reflect on the ridiculousness of the attacks on Gabby and the shade throwing to the point that she was in tears, Let’s talk about another incident that happened outside the stadiums. Ryan Lochte was busy getting robbed by policemen at a gas station. Except that’s not what happened. Ryan Lochte vandalized a gas station bathroom and then paid the gas station owner for the damages, but he reported to the public that he was robbed at gunpoint by thieves dressed as policemen. It turns out that was all a lie. While many are incensed, I don’t think people get how messed up this is. In lying about the robbery, Ryan Lochte took advantage of an already negative image of Brazil and Rio de Janeiro, which has its problems with crime and corruption. He spun a hyperbolic yarn that he knew most would believe, because he knew that the public would expect it and still be shocked. He garnered the sympathy that he wanted, and he returned to the US by the time detectives figured out that he lied. He pretty much just white privileged his way out of trouble THAT HE CREATED. Nice. It’s not like this is a new thing. I hope that the lot of the people in the US who are “shocked” by Lochte’s lie know that some of their ancestors did the same type of yarn spinning on American soil back in the day to black, brown and Asian people. They would make
What happens when liars lie.
up a lie about being robbed or beat up or worse and then form a lynch mob and torture and kill innocent people. When it was found out that the person or persons the mob killed had nothing to do with the crime, or that the crime in question never happened, people would just shrug it off or excused it by thinking that “their kind” are dangerous anyway, so what’s the harm? We still don’t know exactly how many died from lynching. We think about 3,500, but it’s likely more. So lying about a crime to cement a negative stereotype about brown people is as American as using privilege to get away with it.
The apologists are already in full force. Mario Andrada, a spokesman for Rio 2016 has already stated that he doesn’t even expect an apology from Lochte and his cohorts, and that they made a mistake, and we should “just move on”. Except they didn’t make a mistake. They destroyed a bathroom for no good reason. They lied about it to the police and the public, and they garnered sympathy that was undeserved, and as of this writing, they have yet to admit that they were caught in a lie, and the ring leader is in the US already, free of any real punishment. “Give these kids a break”, Andrada said. Lochte is 32. It is interesting, because last Olympics, the media made Lochte out to be the Goofus to Michael Phelps’s Gallant. Lochte was the arrogant skank until Phelps got caught smoking America’s favorite kinda drug, marijuana. But now he’s just a zany kid getting into mischief. He is far from being a kid, though. He is well into mid-adult skankiness with his actions. The irony is that he is 30 and labeled a “kid”, but black and brown ACTUAL kids are always seen as being older than what they are. Props to Andrada for enabling Lochte’s privilege powers.
For all these shenanigans, Everyone needs to apologize to Gabby Douglas for being such assholes to her. She has likely done more for this country than any of her detractors. For Gabby Douglas herself, I think she should go to or, and get one of those genaeology tests to determine her countries of origin. Next Olympics, she should join one of THOSE gymnastics teams. In fact, just to piss off the black people talking about her hair more than her performance, she should join whatever European country shows up in the results (She’s American black; there is DEFINITELY a European country in the mix). She should perform in the biggest afro possible, like a time-lapse afro, where when she turns he head, it takes a second for her ‘fro to turn. That afro should be so big that it will need to try out on its own. And then when she wins gold for Denmark or England or Portugal or whereeverthefuck, She should look directly at the American news cameras, and flip them off with a shit-eating grin. Simone Biles may want to take notes. She may be taking selfies with Zach Ephron now, but don’t think they won’t turn on her with such pettiness.


Monday, August 8, 2016

Suicide Squad Goals: A Reasonable Critique of Critics

Man, for a movie that was a box office hit, critics sure did hate Suicide Squad. It is certified “rotten” on Rotten Tomatoes with a 25% average rating among all critics and 19% among “top” critics. It is not uncommon that the disparity between what critics say and how the public react to a movie is wide, but wow...Viewers seemed to like Suicide Squad enough money and time to garner it over $135 million in box office sales. It’s Will Smith’s highest grossing opening weekend since I Am Legend, which was only $77 million! So what’s up, critics? Why so sour on the Squad?
The plot of Suicide Squad was shaky even in the comic. The US Government picks out the worst of the worst of second-tier captured supervillains and tasks them to execute covert missions that perhaps tread into a moral grey zone that groups like the Justice League wouldn’t touch. If they go rogue or go out of bounds of the mission, “Task Force X” will terminate them with a mini explosive implanted in the backs of their heads. If their ill deeds go public, the government can just throw them under the bus publicly and disavow any knowledge of their role in funding the super-assailants. Isn’t that a ridiculous plot? The US Government funding monstrous people in hopes that they’ll do good things for them? That would NEVER fly in real life...well, except maybe for when we funded Osama bin Laden. And Saddam Hussein. And the Contras of Nicaragua. And the time the US government gave all of those Nazi scientists jobs after World War II. And…
I digress. I saw Suicide Squad the day that it opened, for NYC prices. $15.95 for a 2-D matinee? Is Jared Leto going to lick my face at the end? WTF, New York?! Even though it was almost $16, it was worth it. I would have been mad if I paid the $35 and fresh kidney needed to see the 3D IMAX version, though. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I saw it. It’s a comic book movie about bad buys who do good. The plot in and of itself isn’t that original. Every other action movie has a similar “let these bad guys do good things” premise; it’s just that one of the bad guys in this one is a cannibalistic reptile man, and another one breathes fire. The writing wasn’t that great, but who the hell goes to a comic book movie for the writing? This isn’t an Octavia Butler adaptation!
There WERE a few things that made me laugh because they were sad choices. All of the main “bad guys” had elaborate Ocean’s Eleven-esque flashback motage scenes, where we learn about their abilities, their backgrounds, and how they got caught and incarcerated. All, except for one guy named Steve*, who was good with rope-play or something. He just showed up at their first assignment.
“Oh gee, I wonder if any of these bad guys is going to die on the mission. What do you think, Steve? [BLAM!!!!] ...Steve?”
Seriously, why not just put him in a red shirt and give him a tri-quarter, and call it a day?
Despite all of the hype around Harley Quinn, she was but an ancillary character to add a bit of deadly, humorous chaos to the fringes of the story. She was funny, and I liked her character, but she was not in any way the center of the show. My biggest fear was that because Will Smith was in it, he was going to ham it up as he usually does, and I’d come out thinking the movie should have been subtitled The Fresh Prince of Belle Reve. Much to my enjoyment, he hammed it up a little bit, but he played a pretty solid Deadshot. By the 1980s and 1990s, Deadshot wasn’t just some evil assassin who killed indiscriminately. He had a moral code, and he followed it. He has a broken family that is strained by his “profession”. He cares about his daughter and (at least in the comic) had a son who died pretty brutally. As choppy as the writing was, a 3-dimensional Deadshot was illustrated quite well.
By the way, the amount of angrection™-addled fanboys that come out of the woodwork to lament about how their childhoods are forever ruined because there’s a black Spider-Man or woman Thor or Pakistani Muslim Ms. Marvel or female Ghostbusters team did not come out of their tear-flooded basements en masse to hate on Will Smith’s casting. What’s up with that? Is it cool to Rule 63 and Rule 1963** your “favorite childhood characters”, as long as they’re bad guys? All the shade AND the lamp to which it is attached is thrown to you, comic book trolls.
Will Smith and Viola Davis carried the movie. Viola Davis played Amanda Waller perfectly. In the comic, Amanda Waller has been a staple in the DC Universe as one of the most ruthless, tactful, and good-but-evil entities in the world, and she has no superpowers! She stared down Superman and has cursed out Batman, referring to him IN COWL as “Bruce”. She is not to be fucked with. Imagine if Sun Tzu, Machiavelli, Olivia Pope, and Papa Pope formed Voltron. Together, They would be scared to cross Amanda Waller. I was afraid she would be watered down in this movie adaptation, like she was in Green Lantern and Arrow. NOPE! Waller was ruthless AF. There was a part in Squad where, right when you were resigned to a de-clawed Amanda Waller, she does something that makes you go, “Oh THERE it is.” It made me happy.
I know a lot of people were mad at the the portrayal of Jared Leto’s Joker, and that lack of screen time that Harley Quinn got as she tried to reunite with her pale faced lover throughout the film. Others criticized Harley Quinn’s look, which has evolved from its original harlequin style full body onesy to a pair of boy shorts and a really tight t-shirt. I get it. It is as if they were going for a specific demographic in wardrobe. It was a little bit silly that everyone else was clad in leather and armor, but Harley was wearing what you’d expect a college student to wear in her house on a hot day. People griping about her lack of screen time, or that she was the “highlight”...nooooo. Harley was a big personality, but to applaud her, I don’t know. For one thing, her relationship with the Joker is probably one of the least healthy ones in comics, and Thanos wants to fuck Death itself! It is abusive and manipulative on the Joker’s part, and it always bothered me that she was created for a CARTOON. In solo Harley Quinn books, she has come into her own as an individual, but man, her relationship with the Joker was always like if Ike and Tina murdered people for fun when they weren’t fighting. I was a bit nervous about this Harley depiction just because of that. I must say, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Joker definitely hits her in the cartoon. As for Jared Leto’s joker, yes, he looks like if a juggalo and Eminem had a baby, but he was nowhere near as bad as people made him out to be. He seemed a lot like the Mark Hamill Joker of the cartoon. He was bent on crime, and he killed for fun, and randomly. Dude killed a guy for looking at his girlfriend AFTER HE INVITED HIM TO LOOK AT HIS GIRLFRIEND. I’m fine with this portrayal of Joker. I’d like to see Leto do it again.
Despite my unimportant opinion, critics HATED Suicide Squad. Why??? I saw a lot of the reviews, saying that the premise was a bit ridiculous, and that taking such an ancillary comic book and trying to make it a big name movie was a bad idea. I wouldn’t throw shade were it not for the fact that a lot of the haters of Suicide Squad gave rave reviews for Guardians of the Galaxy, a movie based on an ancillary book full of side characters that was turned into a big movie. It has a talking tree and a machine gun toting raccoon! Nothing about that movie made sense on paper! Still, Galaxy was a hit nearly everywhere! What is up with all of the shade for Squad? Is it that the movie was carried by two black characters instead of Harley Quinn, as most people expected? I’m not saying that anyone was being blatantly racially biased, but when the box office sales were carried highly by black and Latino people, and by women who I hope are fans of the Solo Harley Quinn, it makes me wonder. Most of the bad reviews came from old white men who let Guardians and Expendables get a pass. It seems that as we keep trying to get more diversity on the screen and behind the scenes, we should probably be pushing for more diversity in the analysis as well.
Suicide Squad will NOT be my favorite superhero movie, not as long as Civil War is around, Blade is still available, and Black Panther is still in development. Also, Luke. Motherfucking. Cage. I throw shade at the massive amount of shade that it received, for being exactly what Hollywood churns out: a hyper-violent action movie with some sexual innuendo and lots of punny dialogue. But with a dude who breathes fire.

*The guy’s name is NOT Steve. I just said “Steve”, because who the hell cares? You’ll forget that he died. Bonus: It wasn’t a brother!

**I call Rule 1963 of the Internet the rule that if there is a white character, there is a brown/yellow/red/black version somewhere. Think Steve Rogers and Isiah Bradley and Sam Wilson, or Kal-el and Calel, or WOnder Woman and Nubia. You’ll see it a lot in Cosplay, but if there is an actual rule number for it, let me know. Until then, Rule 1963.

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