Wednesday, August 8, 2012

50 First Dates: You Can Put Lipstick On A Troll...

Online dating sites are full of some interesting characters. I hear the horror stories from my female friends, and I am not surprised, because let’s be honest: guys are dicks. I’ve had an online presence that I use every once in a while, one time on a certain one that claims there are many fish in the sea...what they don’t say is that most of the fish have Pfiesteria. Plethora of Pfiesteria, I crafted a profile that essentially began with:
“#1: I’m pretty socially left-leaning, and I do take part in causes for which I believe. #2: I’m a nerd, but I can still chill out with the Eloi when I want to.”
Out of the blue one day, I received a message from someone without a picture, or much of a self description. Just this paragraph:
Well a little about me...I am blunt, some say its rude...I beg to differ. I enjoy anything thats exciting...elaboration: something must catch my eye immediately..very easily distracted. I like my men like my car...clean, smooth and
...Apparently, something distracted her from using grammar check. Unfortunately, what caught her eye was me. The following exchange occured before I got bored with it:

SYLANI: As for #1 one...most virgos are too ignorant or narrow-mind to listen or even understand ones yea i can agree with the first.

#2. Ok you're a "nerd"....most would like to think they are because they think its sexy to females...but if you say so. I can only analyze that far....gotta get back to work...enjoy ur day!

ME: Hi,
As for #1, I don't know how many virgos you met in your life, but only a few of the ones I know are ignorant or narrow-minded, as it is highly illogical to not hear all sides of an argument, which is what virgos stereotypically do.

For #2, I stated that I am a nerd because the women who think it is sexy will know outright, but also because the women who are not attracted/pass judgement on people like me will not message me, expecting me to be something that I am not.

Well, I just got back from a road trip, and should get some rest. If you are interested in learning about me, email me. My name is Chris, by the way.


SYLANI: My argument for #1 isnt that virgos dont hear all sides...they are just too narrow-mind to get the concept and too ignorant to understand the other persons view. As far as #2 I believe that yoy are thinking either too hard about it or thinking a little too highly of yourself. I saw your pro and decided to interest of the heart was not the issue....moreso the brain and knowledge of virgos and their annoyance...apologize if you got the wrong impression and no i will not be emailing you because i dont care that much to know wgo you are.

ME: If you don't care that much, then what was the point of even emailing me? It would be much easier to simply pass over my profile rather than send me a message, in which there is a potential that I would engage in some sort of conversation. Just sending an unsolicited email to someone for whom you have no interest with nothing but backhanded comments in it is the type of behaviour that probably makes people believe you to be rude, not blunt.

There is no matter of the heart here. I offered for you to learn more about me because you have a lot of egregiously incorrect assumptions about me and my personality, not because of any romantic interest. If you don't plan to talk to me, that is fine. You can continue to maintain your wrong assessment of me; I highly doubt we'd ever meet or interact in the real world anyway.
Enjoy your day!


SYLANI: You are correct we would never meet...wasting time is not my forte. I came across your pro and read what you wrote...yea i did try to analyze it a bit...but i think you got the wrong was a mere me. And as for the long drawn out messages...there is no need for it.....lets just say we dont exist to each other. Enjoy your day!

ME: I'm sorry you think my responses are long and drawn out. I should have surmised from your sparse profile with an abundance of grammatical errors that if you don't like to write, you probably don't like to read either. Unfortunately, I cannot pretend you don't exist. The irony of a woman who knows absolutely nothing of me calling me ignorant and narrow-minded based on where stars were located when I was born is not lost on me. The fact that you neither shared your real name nor have a picture up make it funnier. You have been an excellent anecdote to share with my friends. Perhaps next time, you'll think twice before sending and unsolicited message to someone full of insulting, inaccurate analyses. I will promise that should you feel the need to retort again, my response will be only two (2) words. :-)
Best Regards,

SYLANI: lol...your so stupid...As for the spelling...I have a bachelors in yeah...plenty of computers around to check...I don’t really need to explain to you, a gay guy with hideous facial features one would talk to anyone so ugly. tell you’re friends I said “hey” have a pathetic life that you have to share your online dating fails with your friends. they are laughing at you behind your back. i see why your single. you should get your life together if all you do is talk about what you did online. i bet they hate should slit your wrists and see how many of them laugh out loud when you die...dummy.

ME: Apologies, I was going to just respond, “F*** off”, but again, you are making even more assumptions. Your behaviour seems like a cry for help. You should really get some therapy. “Gay”? “Ugly”? Really??? You’re down to name-calling? I’m secure enough in my heterosexuality that you questioning it means nothing. I have dated enough women who think quite the contrary of my facial features, and it is laughable to be called hideous from a woman (if you really ARE a woman) who isn’t brave enough to put up a picture.

I said nothing about your spelling. Your spelling is nearly impeccable. Your grammar, however, is absolutely atrocious. I do hope that in your job, you are not writing white papers, that you are cordoned off strictly to lab work. Any publication you pen would shame your company to bankruptcy. Besides, if you truly have a bachelors degree then why not change your education field from “Associates” to “Bachelors”?

Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps my friends are laughing at me, not with me. However, as a Biotech, you should know that if I slit my wrists and die, I will not be able to tell if they are laughing, because I’d be DEAD.

Well, this was a nice back-and-forth, but I wish not to waste any more 5 minute stints to respond to your inanity. I do hope that you get the psychotherapy that you need. I will thank you though; I have not encountered an internet troll since college. I thought you people only existed in news and gamer blogs.

Unfortunately, She was correct about one thing: I was a “dummy”. I definitely fed a troll, and now that I have since blocked “her” from contacting me, I cannot apologise. There is a positive to this. I have a new blog post, and this:

Online Dating Tip #1: If you take umbrage with what someone says in his/her profile, then CLICK TO ANOTHER PROFILE. Emailing him/her may result in him/her writing you back and responding point-for-point to what you said...that is, after he/she has deciphered your message from text talk and grammar vomit.
  • Online Dating Tip Corollary #1a: Should you violate Tip #1, don’t whine about the verbosity of your recipient’s responses to your inanity. Every keystroke you make may be collected and shared with his/her friends or put into a blog, some sort of “chronicle of nonsense” if you will, so that all may laugh at the inanity of your missives.

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