Friday, May 22, 2009

The Tale of the Kosher Unicorns

This is why I'm leaving at 2 today:

The Squires have been telling the Nobles for the last three months that if we expect to pack up and move our system of castles to the Kings on time, we should compartment the work: All the drawbridges to be assembled in the same place, all the flying monkeys trained in the same place, all the carriages built, etc., then we take each part and put the castles together at once. The Nobles scoffed at this notion, because it would require extra work up front.

Squire Bugiganga just received the notes from a meeting Inadequous the Compensator had today. It stated, "if we expect to pack up and move our system of castles to the Kings on time, we should compartment the work: All the drawbridges to be assembled in the same place, all the flying monkeys trained in the same place, all the carriages built, etc., then we take each part and put the castles together at once…by the way, this was totally my idea, and did not get it from anyone else. I’m so smart."

Oh, and the Squires were to circumcise all the unicorns by today and put Windows XP, SP 5 on them*. Five minutes after the last snip, Inadequous told Squire Bugiganga that the unicorns need to be uncircumcised. Much like a baby at a bris, you can't un-circumcise a unicorn. It's gone; they're kosher and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

I changed my mind. I'm leaving at 1:30.

*for those of you who protest and say, “Windows XP is not a mythological creature! You’re getting lazy, Bugiganga!”, I say to you, Windows XP may exist, but SP5 does NOT! Therefore it is a fictional entity. So there. >:-p

Monday, May 18, 2009

Comatose Monkeys

The Squire Bugiganga entered the kingdom early today, thinking it would be a good day. He opened his box of messages and had three "important" scrolls in it already.

Noble’s Email: "Help! The Kings (about whom the Nobles all talk as if they are complete ignoramuses) tried to send scrolls via the flying monkeys on Friday, and they could not! Then I tried to use the monkeys, and they would not work for me either. You must go find out why the monkeys won't fly, and guide the Kings’ squires step-by-step on how to make the monkeys fly again! This must be done NOW!!!!"

The Squire found the Kings’ Squire and went to the stall where the monkeys were held and immediately saw the problem: The monkeys were asleep. He saw that the monkeys’ eyes were closed. He also saw the SIGN on the stall door saying, "The Monkeys Are Asleep." The Noble TOLD the Squires to put said sign on the stall door. He did not understand, though, that monkeys cannot fly if they are asleep.

...This is Squire Bugiganga’s Monday.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mail Server Issues: Digitally Remastered

Because most of what I do at work is classified or at a minimum Morondor proprietary, and since a lot of you don’t speak Dorkistani, I am going to replace all technological terms and processes with mythological and fictional creatures.


Inadequous the Compensator: We need you squires to give us a quote for a series of castle estates. Each castle needs a message transit system, perhaps a bunch of flying monkeys that can carry mail from one castle to the other.

Squire Bugiganga: That sounds easy. What type of mail? Just scrolls, or will you send large boxes of frankincense and unicorn horns also?

Inadequous: Only scrolls.

Squire Bugiganga: No problem. We’ll have a quote for you shortly.


S.B.: I have a quote for the castles and the message system. However, if we are only sending scrolls, the castles come with a herd of griffins that can carry all the scrolls you want with no problem. There is really no need for the flying monkeys. That would just be a waste of gold.

THEY: Well, keep the quote for the flying monkeys. We’ll probably go with that anyway.

S.B.: But we’ll save more gold by omitting-

THEY: Keep. The. Monkeys.

JANUARY [The castles have been ordered and arrived. The monkeys have yet to come.]

Inadequous: Where are the monkeys? How did you order the monkeys?

S.B.: I submitted the quotes for the monkeys to you, so I do not know where they could be. Are you sure you ordered them?

Inadequous: Yes, I received the quote and sent them to the scribes who order all things for the kingdom, but since I can’t ask them because I annoyed them too much with my inquiries, I’m going to go ahead and blame you for the lateness.

S.B.: Well the lead time is over three months. If you ordered the monkeys in December, We might not see the monkeys until March, possibly early April.

Inadequous: SILENCE! I blame all things on YOU! You are wrong! I want my monkeys NOW! Early April is not soon enough!


SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: We now have the monkeys. We need you to train them so that they’ll send the mail.

Brian the Bald: OK, but will take a bit of time. Flying monkeys naturally conflict with the griffins that are already in the castle.

INADEQUOUS: Well the monkeys will be better for sending mail anyway.

S.B.: Oh, so you have a degree in mythological zoology and know this for a fact? Because we do, and have not seen anything in our years of experience with mail-carrying fake animals indicating that.

INADEQUOUS: Stupid squires. You know not of which you speak! We have been here for longer than you, therefore, we are smarter! It doesn’t matter that our degrees are in Royal Fellatio, which has nothing to do with your degree! We know more than all!


S.B.: The flying monkeys are all trained and are consistently sending the mail scrolls all over the kingdom with no snags.

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: Yes, but the monkeys keep flinging poop at the recipients’ castles every time they deliver a message.

Brian the Bald: Well, that is actually pointed out in the flying monkey training guide. It is part of what the monkeys do when they send messages, which is why they are usually only used for sending very large messages.

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: That’s annoying. The kings only want to send scrolls back and forth. What’s the point in using flying monkeys if all they’re sending is scrolls? They’re making such a mess with the poop. Doesn’t the castle come with a herd of scroll-carrying griffins? We should have just used them.

[The squires’ heads explode after being subjected to toxic amounts of stupidity]

...4 more hours.

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