This morning, I wished I were an a**hole. I have every reason to be one. I had a very bad childhood, a worse adolescent era, and in adulthood, my wife had a white baby. I’m a de facto orphan; I don’t have any family with whom I keep in contact, or who contacts me. I’ve been abused, homeless, destitute, robbed, cheated, and subject to various other forms of malfeasance. However, I’m still not the lonely, awkward jerk I claim to be. I’m a knee-jerk liberal semi-hippie who feels the need to do whatever I can to help people in need. I have a generally good life, and I have a lot of good friends who are like family. Unfortunately, sometimes friends leave you for one reason or another. Some move away for their careers or education, some fade away like a dark childhood memory, and some pass away.
I’m likely going to lose a friend soon. I didn’t realise how much he meant to me until I realised he is really going to go away. I haven’t slept well, and I’ve been doing everything to get my mind off his departure, but as the unmarked day approaches, I cannot stop thinking about it. I have had a hard time keeping it together. When I finally cracked this morning, I got mad. I started wishing I were an a**hole, then I never would have met him, and I wouldn’t have to feel like hell about losing him. Someone once told me that everyone in your life will eventually leave you, in one way or another, so don’t get too attached. This morning, I remembered that statement, and I wished that I had adhered to it.
I then realised that I was actually being a selfish asshole after all. Of course, friends go in and out of your life. That is the way life is! You can either relish in the memory of all the good times I had with them, or dwell on their impending departure. For every experience I have had, the good times I had with people always outweighed their inevitable departure from my life...except maybe the wife and the white baby. That kind of sucked. Even with her, I had a damn good time up until the bad stuff started happening.
I’m going to lose a very good friend soon, and it is going to suck when I get the call, but we had a blast when we could. The memory of such a good friendship will outweigh and outlive the pain of him going. I’ll miss him, but I’ll always love him like a brother. I’m happy that I met him...Now I just need to keep telling myself that until I REALLY believe it, because I'm going to miss him and this really sucks...man, sometimes I really do wish I were an a**hole...
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