Thursday, May 14, 2009

Mail Server Issues: Digitally Remastered

Because most of what I do at work is classified or at a minimum Morondor proprietary, and since a lot of you don’t speak Dorkistani, I am going to replace all technological terms and processes with mythological and fictional creatures.


Inadequous the Compensator: We need you squires to give us a quote for a series of castle estates. Each castle needs a message transit system, perhaps a bunch of flying monkeys that can carry mail from one castle to the other.

Squire Bugiganga: That sounds easy. What type of mail? Just scrolls, or will you send large boxes of frankincense and unicorn horns also?

Inadequous: Only scrolls.

Squire Bugiganga: No problem. We’ll have a quote for you shortly.


S.B.: I have a quote for the castles and the message system. However, if we are only sending scrolls, the castles come with a herd of griffins that can carry all the scrolls you want with no problem. There is really no need for the flying monkeys. That would just be a waste of gold.

THEY: Well, keep the quote for the flying monkeys. We’ll probably go with that anyway.

S.B.: But we’ll save more gold by omitting-

THEY: Keep. The. Monkeys.

JANUARY [The castles have been ordered and arrived. The monkeys have yet to come.]

Inadequous: Where are the monkeys? How did you order the monkeys?

S.B.: I submitted the quotes for the monkeys to you, so I do not know where they could be. Are you sure you ordered them?

Inadequous: Yes, I received the quote and sent them to the scribes who order all things for the kingdom, but since I can’t ask them because I annoyed them too much with my inquiries, I’m going to go ahead and blame you for the lateness.

S.B.: Well the lead time is over three months. If you ordered the monkeys in December, We might not see the monkeys until March, possibly early April.

Inadequous: SILENCE! I blame all things on YOU! You are wrong! I want my monkeys NOW! Early April is not soon enough!


SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: We now have the monkeys. We need you to train them so that they’ll send the mail.

Brian the Bald: OK, but will take a bit of time. Flying monkeys naturally conflict with the griffins that are already in the castle.

INADEQUOUS: Well the monkeys will be better for sending mail anyway.

S.B.: Oh, so you have a degree in mythological zoology and know this for a fact? Because we do, and have not seen anything in our years of experience with mail-carrying fake animals indicating that.

INADEQUOUS: Stupid squires. You know not of which you speak! We have been here for longer than you, therefore, we are smarter! It doesn’t matter that our degrees are in Royal Fellatio, which has nothing to do with your degree! We know more than all!


S.B.: The flying monkeys are all trained and are consistently sending the mail scrolls all over the kingdom with no snags.

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: Yes, but the monkeys keep flinging poop at the recipients’ castles every time they deliver a message.

Brian the Bald: Well, that is actually pointed out in the flying monkey training guide. It is part of what the monkeys do when they send messages, which is why they are usually only used for sending very large messages.

SHAQSDAD THE DESTROYER: That’s annoying. The kings only want to send scrolls back and forth. What’s the point in using flying monkeys if all they’re sending is scrolls? They’re making such a mess with the poop. Doesn’t the castle come with a herd of scroll-carrying griffins? We should have just used them.

[The squires’ heads explode after being subjected to toxic amounts of stupidity]

...4 more hours.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Disqus for The Chronicles of Nonsense