Friday, January 22, 2010

KFTC

Many moons passed since your intrepid, ingratiated narrator has placed an entry in the Chronicles. Many things have changed:

  • Inadequous the Compensator shall no longer be called such. He is now Miguel the High Pawn. His name change is due to the fact that Squire Bugiganga found out that there were others who turned his disfavour toward your poor narrator. They have since reconciled, and the ground beneath each others feet no longer boils with enmity.
  • Brian the Bald will now be called Boris the Brazen. He thought it would sound cooler.
  • Yorick the Short has temporarily moved to another kingdom for a few fortnights. He took up an opportunity that would keep him away from ShaqsDad the Destroyer, who is exactly the same, if not worse.

The most important development is one of a phrase: Keep F***ing That Chicken. The wise fake soothsayer, Jon Stewart brought attention to this phrase. The squires of the Harris cadre have adopted it to describe some of the many duties that occur in the kingdom. Examples:

  • Near the end of the Kingdom’s fiscal year, all citizens of the Harris Kingdom were told they will not get salary increases for the year. A few months later, a giant banner was hung over every entrance (about 20) congratulating the citizens for their hard work to make a successful first quarter, and in appreciation, there would be free coffee and a MOUNTAIN of doughnuts available all day…but no raise. The CEO got a new car, also. The citizens were eating their raise, thereby f***ing that chicken.
  • One day, ShaqsDad called Boris the Brazen for a meeting regarding one of his projects. Boris had made an outline and a timeline of when tasks should be done: First lay foundation, then raise the walls, then place the roof, then populate with flying monkeys and unicorns. ShaqsDad, who was asleep throughout part of the meeting, looked at Boris’s plan and disagreed with it. He told him to first lay foundation, then raise the walls, then place the roof, then populate with flying monkeys and unicorns…Boris just f***ed that chicken.
  • For the same project, ShaqsDad wanted a map of the castle Boris the Brazen was building. He tasked Squire Bugiganga with the assignment. When your non-noble narrator went to Boris, regarding making a map, Boris said that he would not be ready for him for at least 8 fortnights. A simple thing, yes?...If you answer affirmatively, then you have not read any of the previous blogs. The following week, ShaqsDad went to Squire Bugiganga and told him to make a map of Boris’s castle. He gave him barely decipherable parchments that had pictures drawn in crayon. When your oh-so skeptical squire told him that he had already talked to Boris and that he shouldn’t start the map until March (according to the aforementioned timeline), ShaqsDad replied, “Yeah, I told him that’s crap. This need to get done now!” So Squire Bugiganga is now tasked with mapping a castle that does not exist, and Boris must provide addresses to rooms that are not there. Both squires just f***ed that chicken.

Look around you. Somewhere in your kingdom, there is a count or a duke or a lord who is doling out ridiculous tasks. Somewhere, someone is doing something completely devoid of logic at the behest of a noble. Somewhere in your kingdom, someone is f***ing that chicken. If you can’t tell who it is, then look down in your lap. It is probably you. Your Intrepid Inspetor Apprentice must go now. Those chickens are not going to f*** themselves.

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