Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Pulp Science Fiction

I am livid beyond belief today about something of which I cannot speak, so instead of ranting randomly, you're getting a script of something that made me happy. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll talk about better things. Please, feel free to act this out. Post it and show it to me. We made one attempt as a birthday present for a friend, but I'd love to do it over.


THREE YOUNG CLONES, obviously in over their heads, sit at a table with Jawa burgers, Sith fries and Slurm laid out. One of them flips the loud bolt on the door, opening it to reveal Mace Windu and Obi Wan in the hallway.

MACE: Hey clones.

The two Jedi stroll inside. The three caught-off-guard clones are: MOTI, who opens the door, will, as the scene progresses, back into the corner. RAPUNZEL, leggy-blonde hippie kid with a "Flight of the Conchords" T-Shirt, who has yet to say a word, sits at the table with a big sloppy hamburger in her hand. MICO FETT, A white, preppy-looking clone with a short haircut. OBI WAN and MACE take in the place, with their hands in their robes. MACE does the talking.

MACE: How you clones doin'?

No answer.

MACE: (to MICO FETT) Am I trippin', or did I just ask you a question?

MICO FETT: We're doin' okay.

As MACE and MICO FETT talk, OBI WAN moves behind the young Clones.

MACE: Do you know who we are?

MICO FETT shakes his head: "No."

MACE: We're associates of your business partner, Master Yoda. You remember your business partner dont'ya?

No answer.

MACE (to MICO FETT): Now I'm gonna take a wild guess here: you're FETT, right?


MACE: I thought so. Well, you remember your business partner Master Yoda, dont'ya FETT?

MICO FETT: I remember him.

MACE: Good for you. Looks like me and OBI WAN caught you at breakfast, sorry 'bout that. What'cha eatin'?

MICO FETT: Jawa burgers.

MACE: Jawa burgers: The cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast. Where did you get'em?

MICO FETT: Jabba the Hutt Burger.

MACE: Jabba the Hutt Burger. That's that Tattooine burger joint. I heard they got some tasty burgers. I ain't never had one myself, how are they?

MICO FETT: They're good.

MACE: Mind if I try one of yours?


MACE: Yours is this one, right?


MACE grabs the burger and takes a bite of it.

MACE: Mmmmm, that's a tasty burger. (To OBI WAN) Obi, you ever try a Jabba the Hutt Burger?


MACE holds out the Jawa Burger.

MACE: You wanna bite? They're real good.

OBI WAN: It ain't paleo.

MACE: Well, if you decide to go Bronze Age give 'em a try sometime. Me, I can't usually eat 'em 'cause my girlfriend's a Twi’lek. Which more or less makes me a vegetarian, but I sure love the taste of a good burger. (To MICO FETT) You know what they call a Sarlacc Burrito on Endor?


MACE: Tell 'em, Obi.

OBI WAN: Rancor with Cheese.

MACE: Rancor with Cheese, you know why they call it that?

MICO FETT: Because of the Dagobah system?

MACE: Check out the big brain on FETT. You're a smart nerf-herder; that's right, the Dagobah system. (He points to a Clone Sippy Cup) What's in this?


MACE: Slurm, good, mind if I have some of your tasty beverage to wash this down with?


MACE grabs the cup and takes a sip.

MACE: Uuuuummmm, hit's the spot! (To RAPUNZEL) You, Flight of the Conchords, you know what we're here for?

RAPUNZEL nods his head: Yes.

MACE: Then why don't you tell my boy here Obi, where you got the nerf hid.

MOTI: It's under the be --

MACE: -- I don't remember askin' you a nerf-herdin’ thing. (To RAPUNZEL) You were sayin'?

RAPUNZEL: It's under the bed.

OBI WAN moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a black snap briefcase.

OBI WAN: Got it.

OBI WAN flips the two locks, opening the case. Camera pans to a green light sabre or something. OBI WAN just stares at it, transfixed.

MACE: We happy?

OBI WAN: We're happy.

MICO FETT (to MACE): Look, what's your name? I got his name's OBI WAN, but what's yours?

MACE: My name's Mace and you ain't talkin' your way outta this Rancor pit.

MICO FETT: I just want you to know how sorry we are about how nerfed up things got between us and Mr. Yoda. When we entered into this thing, we only had the best intentions --

As MICO FETT talks, MACE takes out his light sabre and stabs RAPUNZEL three times, leaving him slumped in her chair.

MICO FETT has just sithed his pants. He's not crying or whimpering, but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is imploding.

MACE (to MICO FETT): Oh, I'm sorry. Did that break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue. I believe you were saying something about "best intentions."

MICO FETT can't say a word.

MACE: Whatsamatter? Oh, you were through anyway. Well, let me retort. Would you describe for me what Master Yoda looks like?

MICO FETT still can't speak. MACE SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing the only barrier between himself and MICO FETT. MICO FETT now sits in a lone chair before MACE like a Princess Leia in front of the interrogator droid.

MACE: What planet you from!?

MICO FETT (Petrified): What?

MACE: "What" ain't no planet I know! Do they speak Endoran in "What?"

MICO FETT (Near heart attack): What?

MACE: Endoran-nerf-herder-can-you-speak-it?


MACE: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?


MACE: Now describe what Master Yoda looks like!

MICO FETT (Out of fear): What?

MACE takes his unleashed light sabre and presses it hard against MICO FETT’s chest.

MACE: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya; I double dare ya nerf-herder, say "What" one more nerf-herding time!

MICO FETT is regressing on the spot.

MACE: Now describe to me what Master Yoda looks like!

MICO FETT: Well he's ...he's...green--

MACE: -- go on!

MICO FETT: ...and he's...he's...short --

MACE: -- does he look like a Sith?!

MICO FETT (Without thinking): What?

MACE' eyes go to OBI WAN, OBI WAN smirks, MACE rolls his eyes and slices MICO FETT’s arm off. MICO FETT SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair.

MACE: Does-he-look-like-a-Sith?!

MICO FETT (In agony): No.

MACE: Then why did you try to shock 'im like a Sith?!

MICO FETT (In spasm): I didn't.

MACE (in a lower voice): Yes ya did FETT. Ya tried ta shock 'im. And Yoda doesn’t like gettin’ shocked, not by ANYBODY...except, of course, for Mrs. Yoda. You ever read the Jedi Verses, FETT?

MICO FETT (in spasm): Yes.

MACE: There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Kit Fisto 25:17. "The path of the Jedi is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of Dark Lords. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the Paduin through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his pupil’s keeper and the finder of lost midichlorians. And I will strike down upon thee with great force and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my Paduins. And you will know my name is the Force when I lay the hard light upon you!"

The two men slice up the sitting MICO FETT at the same time. When they are finished, the carcass just sits there for a moment then topples over. All is quiet. The only sound is MOTI muttering in the corner.

MOTI: nerf-herder, nerf-herder...that was nerfed up... that was cold-blooded...

OBI WAN (pointing to MOTI): Friend of yours?


OBI WAN: Tell 'em to shut up, he's disturbing the Force.

MACE: MOTI, I'd knock that wampa off if I was you.

Then suddenly the bathroom door BURSTS OPEN, and a FOURTH CLONE (CARNAVAL) comes charging out with a laser gun in his hand.

FOURTH CLONE: Die, die, die, die, die, die!

The Fourth Man FIRES SIX BOOMING SHOTS from his hand cannon in the direction of OBI WAN and MACE. He SCREAMS a maniacal cry of revenge until he's DRY FIRING. Then...his face does a complete change of expression. It goes from a "Vengeance is mine" expression, to a "What the nerf" blank look.

FOURTH CLONE: I don't understand --

MACE WINDU and OBI WAN look at each other, then tear the FOURTH CLONE asunder. FADE TO BLACK

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