Friday, June 1, 2012

Movie Previews

This is the series of movie previews that I put together after Battleship came out. There was only one board game movie that was worth watching. That was "Clue". You know why it worked? It had Tim Curry in it. "Battleship" doesn't have Tim Curry in it. F*** "Battleship". And F*** Michael Bay for tea-bagging ALL aspects of our childhood. What's next? A movie about exploding Cross Colours overalls? But I digress...Here are your movie previews, and thank you to Khari Barton for helping:

After the "success" of Battleship...
 Andy Smith thought things were great. He was literally climbing the corporate ladder at RungCo, LTD, slide and ladder manufacturer, until one late night:
"Ahhh! These chutes are actually giant robot snakes!"
Shia Lebouf: "I'd better climb this ladder to get away from these snakes...oh no! They're everywhere and I don't have a robot buddy to save me!"
Samuel L. Jackson: "I've had it with these motherf***ing snakes on these motherf***ing ladders!"
In a Michael Bay film: SNAKES AND LADDERS.

This time, the snakes mean business.
"I want the truth! Why would a ladder/slide company be building giant-a** snakes? Oh sh- [GIANT UNNECESSARY EXPLOSION]"
Coming to theatres July 2013.


New from Joel Schumacher...
Everything seemed great in Candyland. Food was bountiful, and everything was edible and sweet...until... "AHHHH! Milk flood! Why did we make all our buildings out of gingerbread?"

One disaster exposed a maze of corruption more complicated than Mouse Trap, and now the race is on to stop the man who would tell the world.
"Why did all these people drown in the milk flood?"
"Years of strictly candy consumption ballooned their weight and gave them diabetes. They didn't stand a chance, Hank."
"We've got to warn people!"
...But who can Hank trust when his whole world is coated in caramel?
"My teef! They're falling out! No! There's even sugar in the toofpaste! WHY!!!!"
The fat guy from lost: "After him! [Pant, pant] so tired...Ooh! Candy bar!"
John Goodman: "We need to find that man and give him the cane."
And Megan Fox in a fat suit: "I can't act, but you don't care."

CANDYLAND. Sometimes life is too sweet.
May 2014.

(Many thanks to Mr. Barton)
Brought to you by the directors of Saw and the producers of Silence of the Lambs: Dusty Rhodes sat quietly in the waiting room of the hospital for the second time. It had been a week since he came in with a case of "stomach butterflies", but when the doctor told him they needed to run some more "tests", he knew something was wrong.
Dusty had no idea didn't know how right he was It seemed like an eternity before the receptionist called his name on the loud speaker.
"Mr. Rhodes, the doctor is ready for you.
As Dusty sat down, the doctor began to speak. But before he could even get the words out Dusty knew... He was gonna need...

an OPERATION!!!!!!
This film is not yet rated.

(My take)
BZZZZZ!
The world’s survival depends on him…
BZZZZZ!
But he is near death…
BZZZZZ!
Only a team of the most elite doctors can save him…
BZZZZZ!
The clock is ticking…
BZZZZZ!
Will they save the world, or destroy it?
BZZZZZ!
“For the love of G-d, DON’T HIT THE SIDES!”
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! [Fade to black]
John Cena.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson…
BZZZZZ!
OPERATION.


"Hector Mármoles-Blancos disappeared in a mangrove swamp while searching for a cure for his cancer. Now his family have gone to the same swamp to find out what happened. They thought he had just died peacefully...
But now they know…
“Oh my G-d…He’s been EATEN!”
…his fate was far worse.

[Nom nom nom] “Do you hear that, Marbeline?”
[Nom nom nom] “Quick! Shoot that hippopotamus!”
“But they’re a protected species!”
“Just do it! It’s obviously rabid!”
[BLAM] “Whew, that was close. [nom nom nom nom] But I shot it! How is it still alive?!?!?”

“We’re surrounded by multi-coloured zombie hippos! Quick! Scurry around pointlessly so as to confuse them!”

The Mármoles-Blancos learns that hippos aren’t just famished; they’re HUNGRY-HUNGRY.

Nicole Kidman, Ice Cube, Those ginger twins from Harry Potter, and Bon Iver…
Ice Cube: “They seem to only be eating the other Mármoles-Blancos. What’s the deal?”
Nicole Kidman: “…I’ve been wanting to tell you, you’re adopted. You were originally a Mármoles-Negros.[NOM NOM NOM] “EEEAAAAAAGGGHH!!!!”
Ice Cube: “Marbeliiiiinnne!!!!”

HUNGRY-HUNGRY HIPPOS.


(Again, thank you, Mr. Barton)
Tomorrow...
From the producers of Wall Street and the mind behind Batman Begins and Inception comes a thriller guaranteed to knock your block off...
Smitty lived a hard life, taking care of his mother in a small home off of Baltic Ave and providing heath care for her made life even harder. Right around the corner, people were living the real good life. He could smell the fancy dinners and hear the laughter coming from the Hotel lobbies on the Boardwalk.

One night as Smitty walked home in the rain from a gruelling 12 hour shift on the rail roads, a silver car raced past him splashing muddy water all over his clothes. The car stopped, backed up, and rolled the window down.

Smitty approached, and struggled to see who was in it. A small man wearing a top hat could barely be seen from the cracked window. He tossed $200 at Smitty saying, "Clean yourself up!" before speeding off.

Smitty could smell the success on that mysterious stranger. Something inside Smitty broke that night, and as he looked across the strip at that moment, he knew he would never feel that way again. He would change his circumstance or die trying. His eyes narrowed as he thought of the chance he never got and as tears welled up in his eyes, he yelled out with a passion that would rattle the heart of the very chest of the community he seemed imprisoned by, "I WILL OWN THIS TOWN!!!!!"
MONOPOLY.

...and I haven't even done Quentan Tarantino's "Scrabble" yet. You're welcome.

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