Thursday, October 31, 2013

Dear Female Friends - Another Halloween Missive

Dear Female Friends,

Happy Halloween! I hope that you found or made a costume you will enjoy. If you bought your costume, I’m sorry that most of the women’s costumes are something with “sexy” as the adjective. Many think I should rail against all the ridiculous “sexy” outfits, from “sexy nurse” to “sexy pirate” to “sexy ninja turtle”. I can’t in good conscience do that, however, because it would be hypocritical for me to say that a woman can do whatever the hell she wants, but then say that dressing like a slutty Scrabble board is wrong. It seems ridiculous that people who nickname Halloween "Slutoween" are the same ones who promote the Slut Walks in cities and rail against people who say women should dress a certain way to not get harassed. Yes, people will talk, but f*** it. Do you, and enjoy the night.

I would likely watch more TMNT as a teen if they looked like this.

First, I’m sorry there aren’t as many sexy surgeon or lawyer costumes as there are nurse ones. They exist, but they are just so much harder to find. Second, I really don’t care if you Rule 34 any of my favourite childhood cartoons characters. I will laugh, though, because they are funny. Sexy Bert and Ernie, Sexy Transformers, Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Sexy Storm Troopers are all too absurd to not earn a few chuckles. Besides, you haven’t done anything worse than what Michael Bay has done. That man is on a mission to f*** everything from our childhood that held held dear with a block of C-4 and a detonator...If I see a “sexy” Cheetarah, I may propose.

Shanghai Surprise Geisha, so it's offensive to two countries!
I do ask, however, that you keep the sexy cartoon characters away from your kids…They can make their own decisions about sexy stuff when they’re old enough to have sex. Bratz dolls may have blurred that line, but you should know. Also, let’s stay away from the racist “sexy” costumes. Shanghai Surprise Geisha girl is wrong in so many ways, geographically and socially. Sexy Hitler is NOT. COOL. EVER. If your costume is “Sexy” [any ethnic group that has been subjugated in the last 500 years], just err on the side of hell no.

Lastly, there is a certain costume that keeps popping up that may be the most despicable women’s costume. It’s called Anna Rexia. It is a skeleton dress with an actual skull cap. Making light of an eating disorder borne from the body-shaming that bombards the psyche of everyone in this country is just f***ed up. It’s not edgy; it’s not dark; it’s just bad. The only way it could be more offensive is if you add a Hitler moustache to it.
Just no.

So in conclusion, dress as sexily as you want, and ignore the slut-shamers. Bring a can of glitter and pepper spray for the misogynistic gropers, and I apologise if you catch me looking at your legs. If I’m laughing at you, please don’t get mad. It is very rare that I get to see a sexified Monopoly board.

Your male friend.

PS- I’m so f***ing serious. NO SEXY HITLER


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