Thursday, February 20, 2014

Black History Month 2014 Theme: F*** Black People

February is one of my twelve favourite months. it’s nice and organised into exactly four weeks (except for the damned leap years). It’s usually the turning point for winter, where the loss of hope I had in ever seeing grass again is found and rekindled, because March is just a few weeks away. Commercialised Homicidal Archer Baby Day is in the middle of the month, where people frantically run around buying up marzipan stuffed teddy bears and conflict diamonds in order to avoid conflict in their relationships. Because nothing says, “I love you” more than a highly pressurised piece of coal that is set in a precious metal, both likely mined by people who could never afford either, and even more likely lost a limb because they were accused of stealing them on the job. Enjoy your sweetheart cut!


The best part of February is that it’s Black History Month. This is the time of year when kids get to hear about a Washington other than the only white one. They eat pounds of peanut butter while watching old newsreels of Martin Luther King at the March on Washington. I get in on the fun by taking a shot every time I hear someone say, “When is there going to be a ‘White History Month’?” or “You have a black president; why can’t you be happy with that?”...I usually have severe liver damage by the 28th, much to the dismay of my physician. I’m so glad that this month, it seems the nation has decided on a theme for BHM 2014: “F*** Black People.”


At the beginning of the month, George Zimmerman announced that he was planning to take on DMX in a celebrity boxing match. This means that (1): DMX is no longer allowed at our black people meetings, and (2): George Zimmerman just out-OJed Oj in his celebration of getting away with murder. I’ve talked more about this before, but let me reiterate: the only way he could be more offensive is if the match were set on 26th February, the anniversary of the day he killed Trayvon Martin, and match ring were set up directly over Trayvon Martin’s grave, and the whole thing were satellite broadcast directly into the Martin family’s home.


A few days ago, some University of Mississippi students celebrated the festive month by wrapping a noose around the neck of a statue dedicated to James Meredith, the first black student of Ole Miss. They also draped the old Georgia state flag adorned with the Confederate Flag, or as I like to call it, the American Swastika, because Mississippi. This is the same state where students burned Obama in effigy to protest a fairly voted presidential re-election. Let’s not forget the time during the 2008 election when they welcomed a group from the Ku Klux Klan to view a simulcast of a presidential debate. They also ratified the 13th Amendment in February 2013, 148 years later, not because it was overdue and it was Black History Month anyway, but because a few lawmakers saw the movie Lincoln. I could go on about Mississippi and her checkered history, but I already did that last year, and let’s be honest: if I expounded any more, I’d have a multi-volume book set. What I wonder is why this month? Could they not wait a month, or maybe do this in January? Maybe the Polar Vortex gave them a dusting of snow last month that scared them enough to stay in their houses. It’s no wonder they lost the Civil War. If only we had given civil rights activists ice machines...we’d have saved so many lives.


Lastly, Florida recognised BHM 2014 by reaffirming that murdering black teenagers is completely legal. Michael Dunn, the man who shot at a car of unarmed kids and killed Jordan Davis over an argument about loud music, was convicted of every charge the DA brought against him, except for murder. The lesson: If you shoot at black teenagers in Florida, you’d better damn well put them all down. While in jail, he lamented in letters how oppressed he was, and how much black favoritism there is. He even compared himself to female victims of domestic abuse. Oh Michael Dunn, you poor, white, Christian man. You’ve had it so hard. over 200 years of dominating this country’s government and industry, being born able to hold land and vote. Then along came these brown people wanting to be treated like physiological humans that they are, and wanting PAID for the work they did involuntarily for years, and people with vaginas wanting to be able to vote??? You can’t even rape a woman and blame it on her with blind immunity anymore. You can’t get a big group of your friends and kill a few black men any longer...unless you’re in Florida. I’m shedding a tear for your hardly slipping privilege. Jessica Williams said it best: “Stand-Your-Ground is like bleach: great for whites, but it’ll ruin your colours.”


It is fairly apparent that the theme of this year’s BHM 2014 is “F*** Black People”. The only people who get treated like niggers more than black people in this country are women, and I’m fairly certain it’s because gender oppression has been an institution in the world for so much longer. Thousands of years of practise make perfect. There is a week left in this month. Let’s hope that nothing else happens beside my routine police stop for looking like someone who did something somewhere. Let’s put a gag in Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan’s mouth, and maybe every southern Tea Party House representative. Let’s celebrate the month talking about Alvin Ailey and Twelve Years a Slave’s BAFTA wins and my crush on Mae Jemison and hold our giggles at the idea of someone punching Tyler Perry in the gut continually until he pukes. You know: positive things!

One more week, folks. That’s all I ask.

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