Thursday, July 31, 2014

We Are Hand-Egg Heads

I anticipate a barrage of hate mail for my next statement: Fuck the National Football League.


I am not saying this because of my longstanding belief that a game called “football” should involve a foot coming into contact with a ball more often than after players just carried the ball most of the time. I am not saying this because I think it should be named “Hand Leather Egg” or “Rugby for Pussies” until they shed all that armour, and that we should call soccer “football”, since it’s played with FEET. I’m saying fuck the NFL, because the NFL hates you. The NFL hates every one of you, yet you (and I) still patronise the League and eat up all the abuse it doles out. Roger Goodell knows this, and is laughing at all of you (and me).


The NFL doesn’t give a damn about its employees.


It makes sense that a bunch of 300-lb men crashing into each other may yield some injuries. the effects of this may be felt for years and cause great pain and anguish. this is why former players wanted to bring attention the the brain injuries that occurred due to prolonged exposure to literally bone-crushing hits. Many doctors and researchers over the years verified that brain damage is a very real risk of being an NFL player.  Even Teddy Roosevelt mandated that reforms be made, or else football would be over. They complied with his edicts, but after that, the policy was more to cover up and lie than acknowledge the truth. Money beats safety. Most recently, THE NFL settled a suit regarding care for injured players, but a stipulation of the suit was that they take no responsibility for the injuries. The whole thing was rejected by a judge, though, because he said it wouldn’t cover enough players. So fuck the players. Wear them out like cogs, and then replace them when they’re broken.


The NFL doesn’t give a damn about your brown (or red) ass.


The Washington REDSKINS. Do I really need to elaborate?


The NFL doesn’t giv-...FINE! I’ll elaborate.


The Redskins name is offensive. That has been known. Don’t think this is a cause brought up just a few years ago under the umbrella of “political correctness”. Fox has been lying to you about this, and JUST this….this hour at least...This has been brought up since the 1960s. There have been protests. There have been meetings. Dan Snyder, owner of the team, showed that he doesn’t give a damn about history when he created a charity that would give textiles to poor Native Americans. The Federal Trade Commission revoked the team’s name trademark, citing how racist the name is. Meanwhile, Roger Goodell, who has the ability to tell Dan Snyder to change the name to something less offensive, has done nothing. Why would he? he’s making BANK! Fuck your brown and red ass.


The NFL doesn’t care about your two X chromosomes.


Don’t be fooled by the launch of pink NFL gear and slimmer jerseys for purchase for the feminine form. The NFL doesn’t give a damn about women. Ravens player Ray Rice knocked out his now-wife last year. Not only did he not get jail time, but he is now married to the woman he hit. The was a great opportunity for the NFL to show how far they’ve come since only giving the Steelers’ Roethlisberger a 4-game suspension in light of his sexual assault charges (He didn’t do jail time either). So what was Ray Rice’s punishment? After a year of now punishment: two games and suspended pay for those games. Two. Games. Even ESPN suspended commentator Stephen A. Smith for insinuating that women should stop invoking the beatings they receive about two days after he said that. Two games a year later shows you how much the NFL doesn’t care about women. Furthermore, Josh Gordon was suspended for a year for smoking marijuana. Plaxico Burress was suspended 4 games for accidentally shooting HIMSELF. Michael Vick Was suspended INDEFINITELY for his dog fighting ring, and then they brought him back. However, if you get caught beating a woman? 2-4 games. Domestic violence Sexual assault incidents and allegations in football are not an uncommon thing. The only thing uncommon is the NFL suspending people for them.

What about the famous NFL cheerleaders? Cheerleading, while not considered a sport by some, is physically grueling. The Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are world famous. So what is their compensation? LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE. No pay for rehearsals, hardly any out-of-town travel benefits, besides getting ogled by people outside of their home towns. The mascots make more money than the cheerleaders! For all that athleticism, the cheerleaders would make more money becoming mercenary superheroes. Just imagine: a team of 50+ women clad in black and body armour clearing out a drug-laden street using Batmwoman-like acrobatics and exploding pom poms...I'm digressing. My point is that the NFL doesn’t give a damn about your sister, daughter, mother, or friends.


The NFL is not afraid of you.


It is highly doubtful that beyond a few minor policy changes, the NFL will not change. The NFL loves your money, and we will continue to give it to them. As much as people raise highly vocal anger over things that the NFL does/ignores, they still will go to games and get their season tickets and buy their Dish Network team packages and consume their merchandise like they are Pacman pellets in a dark room. The NFL knows this. Dan Snyder will still get black people to defend a racial slur. Women will join their friends and husbands to Steelers and Ravens games. We will all cheer when there is a tackle so loud that you can hear it without microphone enhancement, and the target will wobble off the field, not knowing that he just got 10 years knocked off of his life. Even though I specified only three groups of people, the NFL really does not care about any of us, and they are insulting all of us when they practise disrespect via inaction against any group, and we are all complicit.

This isn’t a call for a boycott of the NFL, because under NFL policy, boycotting the NFL will result in a 10-game suspension and a $250,000 fine, which is 9 games and $249,999 more severe a sanction than if I called a woman out of her name. Besides, hardly anyone would join in the boycott. We’re like Macheads, but more violent. We’re hand-egg heads. Why else would we not question the logic of the very name of the sport? No, this isn’t a boycott call. This is just a reminder. The NFL does not give a fuck about us, but we will give them all our money regardless.

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