Monday, October 5, 2015

Almost Tuesday: I Heart Huckabee


This show describes my love for Mike Huckabee!!!

CHRIS: Today, I would like to discuss the danger of Mike Huckabee.
WOODY: Danger? He might be a little old fashioned, but seems like a charming fellow. Have you seen his debates on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart?
CHRIS: Oh yes. They were always very congenial. Not like other guests.
WOODY: Yeah, even his voice sounds like honey in a southern iced tea, sitting on a porch in a rocking chair.
CHRIS: Yeah…It is too bad that when you listen to what he says, it will make your face melt.
WOODY: Oh come on! He once said, “Inside every human being there are treasures to unlock.”
CHRIS: But he also compared pro-choice supporters to slavery advocates and then spent time raising funds for “legitimate rape” Todd Akin after his statements went public. What treasure is there in equating people to advocates for slavery, or taking up for a man who obviously failed biology?
WOODY: What about when he said, “I wish we would all remember that being American is not just about the freedom we have; it is about those who gave it to us”?
CHRIS: Well, he doesn’t seem to think that 15% of the population is free. He thinks that the Dred Scott Case is still the law of the land. Basic grade school history would tell you that Dred Scott was null and void after the ratification of the 13th and 14th Amendment.
WOODY: Well, in his defense, he is from Arkansas. They’re 45th in education. That’s lower than Mississippi!
CHRIS: OK, I’ll give you that. Maybe that’s why he thought that the latest Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage was unlawful. But he also mapped out a plan to disobey the order, and then he hoisted Kim Davis as a “martyr” for religious rights when she decided to not do her job.
WOODY: He seems concerned about children. Didn’t he raise concern over kids listening to offensive music?
CHRIS: Yes. He called Beyonce’s music poison, and claimed that her husband, Jay-Z was her pimp. All this, yet he had no problem playing with Ted Nugent while he sang “Cat Scratch Fever”.
WOODY: GROSS! OK, well people always try to blame music. That’s common.
CHRIS: He also defended Josh Duggar, who admitted to molesting children.
WOODY: OK, that’s pretty bad.
CHRIS: He also said that he would have forced a 10 year old rape victim to carry her baby to term.
WOODY: That’s outrageous.

CHRIS: He also claimed that women who wanted access to birth control were children who couldn’t control their libidos, and used the term “Uncle Sugar”, which sounds like the name of the sleaziest supervillain ever. He said that he would put the National Guard troops on front of abortion clinics to prevent women from getting abortions. He’s so pro-life, he is willing to kill every pregnant woman in America!
WOODY:OK, I get it, but how can someone who sounds so nice say such horrible things?
CHRIS: I have a theory...In 1955, There were reports of David Duke entering a hotel room, where a Care Bear was already residing. Nine months later, Mike Huckabee was born.
WOODY: Wait, you’re saying…
CHRIS: Yes. Mike Huckabee is the spawn of David Duke and a Care bear. That’s why he can sound so sweet but say the most despicable things.
WOODY: But David Duke was only 5 in 1955, and Care Bears were created in 1981!

CHRIS: Exactly. It’s worse than you thought: DAVID DUKE HAS MASTERED TIME TRAVEL, AND HE’S KIDNAPPING OUR CHILDHOOD ICONS TO MAKE SWEET HATE TO THEM! He must be stopped!

WOODY: This might explain Scott Walker’s resemblance to a Ken Doll.

CHRIS: Yes, and Ted Cruz’s likeness to one of the mutants from Thundercats.

WOODY: This is pretty outrageous!

CHRIS: Bottom Line is, there is no way Mike Huckabee is human. He’s half at most. And we need to stop David Duke before he gets his hands on He-Man and She-Ra.

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