Monday, October 5, 2015

Almost Tuesday: Cruzin' for a Birther Movement

There is an awesome show here in Rochester call "Almost Tuesday" on a new radio station called WAYO 104.3 FM. For those of you who are not in Rochester, NY, you can find all of "Almost Tuesday's" episodes on

EVen better news: THE CHRONICLES OF NONSENSE HAS GONE AUDIO! That's right, we've gone from print to the 20th Century. Hologram broadcasts are just around the corner.

Episodes with my segment, I will post here. You can listen to the shows, and you can read along with my scripts. This is from the pilot episode. The subtitle is "Cruzin' for a Birther Moevment". Enjoy!

...or not. Whatever.

CHRIS: Ted Cruz announced his foray into the Republican presidential campaign on Monday to a literally captive audience. They would have gotten fined if they did not show up for the assembly. That is beside the point. I am so excited for Ted Cruz to run for president. Finally, the left can get on the bandwagon!

WOODY: What bandwagon is that?

CHRIS: Ted Cruz was born in Canada, and his dad is native Cuban. Even though his mother is an American citizen, he wasn’t born on American soil! Just North American soil! We can finally birthers!

WOODY: But didn’t the whole questioning of Obama’s citizenship started in the primaries by Hillary Clinton?

CHRIS: Yes, but once the right picked up the cause and ran with it, and once the Tea Partiers took up the argument, the conspiracy theories just got more and more racist. “He was born in Kenya, He faked his birth certificate, he’s part of an African plot to take over the US in a revenge plot to enact white slavery”. It has gone completely off the rails.

WOODY: But you could have started a left-wing birther conspiracy with the last two Republican candidates! John McCain was born in Panama, and Mitt Romney was born in Mexico.

CHRIS: I know. We really missed the swift boat on that. We were so busy harping about their flawed economic plans, and their disingenuous depictions of the state of security, and their poor choices of running mates, not ONCE getting into the really inconsequential, petty stuff, like how to acquire their birth certificates, and their secret plots to have Central America attack and make the US a Hispano-caliphate.

Now that we have Ted Cruz throwing his hat in the ring, this is our chance to go CRAZY with the birther conspiracies. I’ll start: Ted Cruz is the Cubanchurian Candidate; He was born and programmed at birth in Socialist Canada by his Communist father to infiltrate the reddest American political machine and block ALL legislative work from happening in the rest of the States.

Ted Cruz doesn’t want immigration immigration reform because he plans to make build a tunnel between Florida and Cuba to filter in more operatives to take over the government.

WOODY: Sounds exciting. This new birther movement could last for years!

CHRIS:  Nah, it will last until Jeb Bush gets in the race, and Ted Cruz will be as invalid as Santorum.

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