Monday, November 9, 2015

Almost Tuesday: The Curious Case of Benjamin Carson



Another week, another Almost Tuesday show, and another Chronicle of Nonsense. Enjoy.

CHRIS: Ben Carson is the #1 in the pool of black candidates for the GOP candidacy.
WOODY: Isn’t he the only bla-
CHRIS: Shhhhh…
WOODY: Sorry.
CHRIS: We need to find the real Ben Carson.
WOODY: What do you mean?
CHRIS: Ben Carson used to be a respected doctor who worked his way up from poverty in Detroit to become the head of neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore. He was a folk hero to poor kids in BOTH places. Now he’s a shell of the man he once was.
WOODY: How so?
CHRIS: Carson most recently said that a Muslim candidate would not get his vote, because the laws of Quran go against the tenets of the United States.
WOODY: But a lot of the Bible goes against the tenets of the United States. That’s why there’s a separation of church and state, and no established national religion. Has he not heard of Article Six? That’s grade school history.
CHRIS: Yeah, and don’t forget the complete disregard of medical and scientific facts. He compared homosexuality to bestiality, which is a standard homophobic thing to do. He most recently claimed that homosexuality is a choice, and his example was that people go into jail straight and come out gay, which is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in days.
WOODY: What, not a lifetime?
CHRIS: Come on, Woody. We’re in the middle of a campaign season.
WOODY: Oh, right. That’s pretty bad. What’s next? You’ll tell me he doesn’t believe in Evolution?
CHRIS: Well…
WOODY: NO!
CHRIS: YES! He said that people who support the Theory of Evolution would have difficulty figuring out how they derive their code of ethics! First, he’s questioning proven science, and then he’s claiming that if you believe in science, your ethics are questionable. He makes a living DOING SCIENCE! And his reason for believing in Creationism is, “Ooh, the Human Genome is so fancy!”
WOODY:  “Ooh, the Human Genome is so fancy!” What, does he think, God is Martha Stewart!
CHRIS: He also used a much skewed version of thermodynamic theory last week to claim that the Big Bang theory was wrong.
WOODY: Well, he isn’t an astrophysicist. He’s a neurosurgeon.
CHRIS: Hm…good point. Well how about this: he said that pediatricians have cut down vaccination schedules, which is outright false. There is a sequence for measles and such, and the only people changing schedules are parents, because they think Jenny McCarthy, a college dropout, knows more than their doctor.
WOODY: Wait, didn’t he work in pediatrics?
CHRIS: Yeah. That is frightening. He also came out against stem cell research, even though he had no problem doing fetal brain stem cell research in his career.
WOODY: What a hypocrite!
CHRIS: Oh, if you want hypocritical, He wants to do away withal government programs, even though when he grew up, his family got food stamps, he got free glasses, went to public schools, and most likely got SOME assistance to get into college.
WOODY: Wow, way to kick the ladder out after you climbed.
CHRIS: He’s not too kind to poorer people. He claimed that immigrants, not unvaccinated kids, were spreading measles to the States, and he also claimed that the few Syrian refugees to the States could be terrorist sleeper cells since they were mostly young men.
WOODY: But they’re mostly women and young children!
CHRIS: Yeah, truth does not seem to be his strong point. You know he questioned that domestic violence is a major problem in this country? 3 times as many women died in the last 10 years than soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. Even Bill O’Reilly called him out on his doubt!
WOODY: I’ve noticed he likes to compare a lot of things to Nazi Germany.
CHRIS: That and slavery! Remember when he said ACA was the worst thing to happen to America since slavery?
WOODY: Um...Japanese Internment? Pearl Harbor? The Tuskegee Experiment? The Trail of Tears? Jim Crow?
CHRIS: I know, I know, and then what he said after the third to last mass shooting-
WOODY: Fourth to last shooting.
CHRIS:Right, sorry/ I lost count. What he said after that fourth to last shooting was hardly comprehensible.
WOODY: Are you talking about how he said a bunch of people could have overcome him (even though somebody tried and got shot), or the part when he contradicted his own advice and recalled the time he was in the middle of a robbery in a restaurant and suggested the robber to rob the cashier?
CHRIS: Either one. It shows he doesn’t take his own advice, and he has no street cred. How are you going to throw somebody under the bus like that.
WOODY:  Wow. I can’t believe that an award-winning neurosurgeon can be as dumb as a bag of squirrels.
CHRIS: You just got to my point! That man parading around right now isn’t an award winning neurosurgeon! He’s been replaced!
WOODY: Oh yeah, now you’re going to tell me this Ben Carson is a trench coat full of squirrels in a rubber Ben Carson mask?
CHRIS: Well, how else would he forget that he grew up with government aid, or that he did stem cell research, or all of a sudden not understand basic medical knowledge? Maybe during that robbery attempt, he was kidnapped, and now a bunch of squirrels are running the show.
WOODY: But why would a bunch of squirrels do that?
CHRIS: Where I’m from, If you are gonna rat out ya boy like he did during that robbery, you get NO respect, even from animals. Plus, we’re talking Baltimore Squirrels, Woody. They’re pretty hardcore. Everyone is a little hood in Baltimore. Hell, I’m from Baltimore!.
WOODY: True, I saw “The Wire”, but that’s all Hollywood hyperbole.
CHRIS: Is it? I just stabbed you in the foot.
WOODY: Oh! Oh jeez…You might be right.
CHRIS: Yeah, We need to find the real Ben Carson.
WOODY: Agreed.

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