I've been a bit busy and have not updated you all on the shenanigans I've been up to, 5 people who read this blog. I have not neglected writing, I've just been writing something else...Here is the first of a few new posts, starting with my radio segment where I discuss the KardashiRose Program.
CHRIS: Hey Woody. Kara and I were inspired by March being Women’s History Month, We’ve decided to take some action!
KARA: That’s right. We are not going to rest until men and women are treated equally in social settings.
WOODY: That sounds great!
KARA: Whoa, whoa. Calm down Woody. You said that pretty aggressively.
WOODY: What? No! I was just excited. I’m enthusiastic.
CHRIS: Well, you really need to control your emotions. You’re on the radio, man! Act professionally.
KARA: Also, smile! Gosh, we just gave you good news, and you don’t look very happy.
WOODY: But, I was trying to act professionally, and this is just my face!
KARA: Heh, it’s probably that time of the month.
Yeah. We should go easy on his mood swings.
WOODY: Um…I’m going to move on. What are you two doing to engender social equality
KARA: Chris and I have created a program that will guarantee that all men and women are treated the same way. We’re calling it the “KardashiRose [car-DASH-e-rose] Treatment”.
WOODY: The KardashiRose Treatment? It sounds like it was named after a famous Turkish feminist or something!
CHRIS: Not exactly, but I guess you could say it IS partially Armenian…We studied the way Amber Rose and most of the Kardashians (and honestly, everyone) are treated in the media any time they do anything. We’ve taken detailed notes about, and we are going to do something about it.
WOODY: Awesome! What are you going to do?
CHRIS: Well, for starters, let me introduce you to Larry. Say hi, Larry.
LARRY: “Hi, Larry”. HA! I did it again!
WOODY: Hold on! This is the same Larry who stole my TV! Why would you bring him back here?!?!
Chris: Larry has changed his ways. He’s now a photographer.
LARRY: Yup. Check out these pictures.
WOODY: These are of me taking a shower! How did you even take these! There’s no window in my bathroom!
LARRY: Go Pro and duct tape.
WOODY: That is a complete violation of my privacy.
LARRY: Eh, just sue me.
KARA: Yeah, you can probably get $115 million from him, just like Hulk Hogan got. Hell, that is more than what he asked for.
CHRIS: No, no, Kara. We need to treat him appropriately. Remember that female sportscaster who got peeping-tommed? Woody, ask for $75 million, but you’ll really only get $55 million.
KARA: Oh, right.
WOODY: How is any of this fair?
[LARRY, KARA, CHRIS SILENT FOR A SECOND, AND THEN BURST INTO LAUGHTER]
CHRIS: None of this is FAIR, Woody. This is the KardashiRose treatment. You’re SUPPOSED to be treated by a different standard than others.
KARA: Yeah. You’re basically a hot little microbe that we’re examining and objectifying under our social microscope.
LARRY: Yeah, you should calm down and get used to it. Where’s that smile?
WOODY: What is there to smile about???
KARA: Well for one, check out this picture Larry posted. It’s pretty disgusting.
CHRIS: Oh, Woody. Has it come to this? Picking up poop in grey sweatshirt and ripped jeans?
WOODY: Wait...Is that me walking my dog? I was being a good neighbor! You can’t shame me for curbing my dog.
LARRY: Sure we can. And who were you wearing? Armani? Pierre Cardin? More like Pierre CarDON’T! Amirite?
WOODY: Why would I dress up to walk my dog? No one thinks someone is going sneak around and take pictures of them.
LARRY: Well you’d better get used to it. These pictures are making me loot!
CHRIS: Hold on, everyone, Larry zoom into this one of Woody at the food co-op. His jeans are so ripped...is that…
LARRY, KARA, AND CHRIS WAIL IN DISGUST
Kara: That is definitely a tip slip. Honestly Woody, how could you? You’re an uncle after all. THink of the children!
CHRIS: Yeah, that’s not very professional at all. How do you expect to gain any respect, carrying on in loose fitting clothes, going out like that.
WOODY: OK, so I wore my worn out jeans to the grocery store. But I was grocery SHOPPING, not walking a runway, or trying to close a loan. Who cares what I was wearing? And who has a right to comment on what I wear or don’t wear?
LARRY: Everyone now. I just uploaded these photos to Tip-Slips.com, the biggest picture archive of men being photoed at their most embarrassing moments.
WOODY: What? Take that down now!
KARA: It’s too late, Woody. It’s on the ‘Net. There’s no putting that genie back in its bottle.
CHRIS: I mean, if you didn’t want people to look at them, you shouldn’t have taken the picture.
WOODY: I DIDN’T TAKE THE PICTURE!
KARA: But you did take this picture. It’s of you and your new girlfriend.
CHRIS: Oh, god. Again Woody? Isn’t this your fourth girlfriend in as many years?
WOODY: How did you get that? It was on my phone.
LARRY: Ha! Got me again. I do phone hacking for the FBI.
CHRIS: Stop changing the subject, Woody. What’s up with all of your torrid affairs? You were dating someone in Buffalo, then that woman in Toronto, and now this woman. Why don’t you just tattoo “Open for Business” on your chest?
WOODY: First of all, I’m pretty sure hacking my phone is against the law. Second, my relationship patterns are just like everyone else’s! I date someone, we find out we’re not compatible, I date someone else! I’d like to see what YOUR dating patterns are like with someone following you around and your pictures sent to the Net by some creep.
LARRY, KARA, CHRIS: WHOA!
CHRIS: I can’t believe you used the C-word on the air!
KARA: Way to cross the line!
LARRY: That...that wounds me…
KARA: Look at what you’re doing to Larry, Woody! He’s a shell of himself.
CHRIS: He’s just trying to make a living. Why are you attacking him like that?
WOODY: He’s making money off of my humiliation, though! How is that right.
KARA: This is the new status quo Woody. Welcome to the KardashiRose world.
CHRIS: Yup. We need to treat men the way we have been treating women, especially famous women.
KARA: So we can talk trash about Amber Rose and the Kardashians all we want, they are just living their lives the way they want to. It’s really none of our business.
CHRIS: Except Caitlyn Jenner. She DEFINITELY killed someone with her car and got away with it. And she’s voting for Ted Cruz.