Malia Obama was the target of some really nasty comments, mostly revolving around "I'm-not-racist-but" racists claiming that she didn't earn her way into Harvard. These people think that Affirmative Action is some sort of pass to deprive hard working white men of opportunities. I had an idea as to how to deal with them.
WOODY: Well, last week’s Chronicle was…interesting. I assume you have a real topical piece this week? …(I hope).
CHRIS: …Yes and no.
WOODY: Oh no…Chris, you can’t call on God to come to the studio again. The boss was not happy. Can’t we talk about the news or something?
CHRIS: Oh no, Woody. I’m not going to reach out to Terry this week. I’m talking directly to the American people.
WOODY: Well, I guess that is okay, but I think that you might alienate the audience a little bit..
CHRIS: Don’t worry Woody, I only have a little beef with just a few people. First, to “C. Rover”: your son looks like if a piece of toxic waste threw up on a blobfish.
WOODY: WHOA! Where did that come from?
CHRIS: Haode: Your child is so stupid, it is legally identified by teachers as a chair. Barnaby Smithfield: your child is even dumber. It nearly drowned because it was looking up in a rain storm.
WOODY: What is happening!
CHRIS: And Greg14: You got your kid an Xbox One because you thought the system was named after his IQ! Jokes on you: He’s dead!
WOODY: Chris, what is wrong with you? You can’t just go on and insult people’s children like that? What did they do to you?
CHRIS: I’m just playing by the new rules of engagement, Woody. You know how Barack Obama’s eldest daughter Malia was accepted into Harvard University?
WOODY: Well, yeah! What does that have to do with these people you’re addressing?
CHRIS: Well, all of these people chimed in about the news. They called her a monkey, an ape. They said that unlike white students, she just had to show up to get a spot. They claimed that she was never smart enough to get in any school, and she took a spot from a worthy candidate. One prayed that on her gap year, she died or AIDS, cancer, or “one of those colored” diseases.
WOODY: Oh, like walking in Florida wearing a hoodie?
CHRIS: Too soon, bro. Too soon.
WOODY: I regret nothing. It’s a 100-year problem.
CHRIS: True…but anyway, that she got in just because she was black is insulting. She knows three languages. She’s been getting straight A’s since she was able to WRITE the letter “A”. The thought that “black privilege” is how she got in is ridiculous.
WOODY: “Black privilege”? That’s ridiculous! How would that even work? No way she got in due to privilege.
CHRIS: Well…privilege played a part, I’m sure. Both her parents went there. That’s just “legacy privilege”. You know, that thing that thousands of young white men have had the advantage of using to get into high-end private universities for hundreds of years?
CHRIS: So for this reason, I am addressing these people who threw insults at Malia Obama. These people, who likely could not get accepted into a Harvard University parking lot.
WOODY: But you’re going after their kids, Chris! That’s a bit harsh. The children never did anything.
CHRIS: Woody, let’s get real. Their beef is with her father, not her. It doesn’t matter what he does, they’ll find something wrong with it. It’s like Dan Savage says: if we rename oxygen, “Obamagen”, they would hold their breath until they pass out.
WOODY: Ooh, can we try that? I have a big family dinner next week. This will be a good way to shut up Uncle Carl.
CHRIS: Go crazy. And family members didn’t used to be fair targets for such ire. I guess we can thank Rush Limbaugh for this. He said some terrible things about Chelsea Clinton and opened up a Pandora’s Box of making people’s children fair game. The Bush Twins caught flak, and now we’re hearing even worse about the Obama children! So I am fighting fire with fire of children.
WOODY: Man, you’re really committed to this.
CHRIS: I think I’m just mad because besides being racist and horrible, they all have a skewed view of how Affirmative Action works. They seem to think there is an Affirmative Action duck running around magically giving black people jobs they don’t deserve.
WOODY: So, like an AfAc duck?
CHRIS: EXACTLY! If there were some magic duck running around giving people jobs at the cost of others, then everyone in my hood would be a doctor or a lawyer! I wouldn’t have been so poor growing up!
WOODY: I see what you mean. It is pretty insulting to think that you didn’t earn your job.
MALCOLM: [A LA AFLAC DUCK] AFAC!
WOODY: What was that?
CHRIS: Um…nothing [WHISPERING TO MALCOLM] Go on! Get out of here! I told you not to follow me!
WOODY: Is that a duck with an afro? How cute!
CHRIS: N-no! You’re just hallucinating. You must be drunk again.
WOODY: Chris, You know I don’t drink in the studio! I’m a professional!...Mike Yates…
CHRIS: OK FINE! THERE’S AN AFAC DUCK! You happy? You know our secret. I didn’t even know about him until AFTER I graduated from college.
WOODY: That is amazing! So does this mean you’re about to be turned into an astronaut or a neurosurgeon?
CHRIS: Well, I’m already an engineer, so I don’t really need him. Besides, Statistically, AfAc duck is more likely to benefit women than he is me.
KARA: Guys, I just got an offer letter from NASA! They’re restarting the shuttle program, and I’m going to be the first pilot! Screw this! I’ll see you losers when I get back from the MOON! Maillie...out.
CHRIS: See? She can’t even ride a bike!
WOODY: Well, I guess everything’s back to weird here again.