Friday, November 4, 2016

The Pristine Republican President: A Short Film

[IN 2007, AFTER THE LACKLUSTER EXCITEMENT OF GEORGE HW BUSH, THE SEX SCANDALS OF BILL CLINTON, AND THE DRUNK DRIVING CONVICTIONS AND SEEMINGLY UNRULY CHILDREN OF GEORGE W BUSH, Carl Gets ON HIS KNEES AND PRAYs.]
CARL: Are you there God? It’s me, Carl.
GOD: Yes, my son.
CARL: OH MY YOU! YOU ANSWERED!
GOD: See, this is why I stopped making house calls after my son died. You humans always lose your minds. Calm down! Tell me why you called for me, Carl. What do you request?
CARL: I just wish for a future truly Republican president, definitely a man. a Christian.
GOD: You already have that. You’ve had that since 1789. It’s been a consistent thing.
CARL: Yes, but how about one who has a pristine record, like no lingering sex scandals.
GOD: OHHH! Ok, I can provide that.
CARL: But…can he be young and exciting, who will get the youth excited?
GOD: A Young man in the 21st Century WITHOUT and weird sex scandals? Oy vey…
CARL: What?
GOD: Nevermind. I still can do this. I’m God! Any other requests?
CARL: Really?! Ooh! OK, he has to have roots in conservative communities, like say, Kansas or something. His wife has to be beautiful no matter what age she is. When he gets in the White House, his wife should put her head down and focus on something like gardening or something innocuous like that. It would be nice if he has a sweet mother-in-law who moves into the White House, too. He should have adorable children, and maybe a dog! He should know the Constitution inside and out, like if he studied it for years, but he still needs to express devout Christian views when talking about people. He should be hard on immigration. Deport as many “illegals” as possible, no matter what the circumstances! Bomb the shit out of the Middle East! Just like we said right after 9/11: “Bomb them all, and let YOU sort it out!” Also under him, job growth should skyrocket within 8 years, get us out of the recession we’re in. We need to make the economy great again. Also, maybe create a health plan like the ones Republicans proposed back in the 1980s that keeps the insurance companies in business, because universal healthcare too commie-like.
GOD: That is a lot to ask, but I’ll take care of it.
CARL: Thank you, Lord!
[1 YEAR LATER, OBAMA IS ELECTED.]
CARL: NOOOOOO!!!!
[CARL CRIES FOR 8 YEARS. HIS TEARS ARE DELICIOUS. IN 2015, CARL PRAYS TO GOD AGAIN.]
CARL: God? Are you there?
GOD: For the umpteenth time, I’m ALWAYS there. Will you please look up “omniscience”?
CARL: But it has the word, “science” in it!
GOD: (Oh my Me. This dude…) What to you want, Carl?
CARL: I was wondering how you were doing with that pristine President I asked for? I assumed that the last 8 years of Obama was the trials and tribulations before you brought forth the true Republican candidate, but these guys don’t look that great, and Carly Fiorina is a girl.
GOD: Oh but, Carl, I gave you exactly what you wanted. He’s a president with no sex scandals who is young and gets the youth excited for him. He has roots in not one, but TWO conservative communities, including Kansas. His wife is beautiful and seemed to not age. When he got to the White House, his wife put her head down and focused on gardening or something innocuous like exercise. His sweet mother-in-law moved into the White House for a while, too. He has adorable children, and he got a dog. He knows the Constitution inside and out so much that he is a Constitutional lawyer. He still expresses devout Christian views when talking about people. He’s hard on immigration. He’s deported so many “illegals” no matter what the circumstances, he is nicknamed the “Deporter in Chief”! He bombs the shit out of the Middle East. Just like you said right after 9/11: “Bomb them all, and let ME sort it out!” (Thanks for the extra paperwork, by the way, dick.) Also under him, job growth should skyrocketed within 8 years, he got you out of the recession we’re in. The budget deficit fell from $1.4 trillion to $486 BILLION. He made the economy great again. Also he signed a health plan like the ones Republicans proposed back in the 1980s, and it keeps the insurance companies in business, because you said that universal healthcare too “commie-like”.
CARL: But…but…NOOOOOOO!!!!
GOD: HahaHAAA! Careful what you wish for, bitch! You just got PUNKED! Also, since I have all the power of the universe, I can change genders any time I want! I was in ALL your bathrooms! Old Testament God is BACK, Fools!”

[CARL CRIES FOR 8 MORE YEARS. HIS TEARS REPLENISH THE CALIFORNIA RESERVOIR.]

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