All Bad Everything. There is no introductory scroll of words in space, so everyone thinks that maybe we were in the wrong theatre for a minute. Nerds online complain about “tradition”, because they have to actually watch the movie to figure out the story instead of having is spoon fed to them.
A spaceship shaped like defective start fruit parks on the planet Irish Marshes, WAY TOO FAR from the building they want to enter. Commander Orson Krennic inside probably had to get more steps on his FitBit to beat Commander Brenda in the Empire’s Death Star fit challenge…fucking Brenda…
There’s a little kid named Jyn Erso running who has terrible form. She was probably named after the drink she’ll be consuming in the coming years after she witnesses what is about to happen. Her hippie parents are all scared. Kid hides in a rock. Dad is all, “I’m just a farmer! Leave me alone!” Mom is all, “I’m gonna bust a cap in Orson.” Orson’s troopers cap her first, though, and it shocks everyone, because this is the first time in a long time that someone captured video of a person getting shot by authorities and they were ACTUALLY armed. Orson takes dad and forces him to be an engineer. No one can find the kid, except the rebel extremist Ghost Dog.
15 years later, Empire Pilot Bodhi steals a company ship that looks like a sea turtle and flies to Jedha to contact Ghost Dog with a message from Hippie Dad. Also, Rebel Cassian Andor from the planet Mexico and his big black Droid K-2SO free Jyn from prison, who is now an adult woman, so it’s TOTALLY not creepy when Cassian eyes her butt. The trio travel to Jedha, where Ghost Dog is planning straight up terrorist attacks against Empire troops in the Holy City that looks like a giant muffin. The terrorist attack doesn’t go great, but we are introduced to mercenary Baze Malbus and blind warrior monk Token Asian Dude. In the aftermath of the attack, the rebels take everyone to Ghost Dog’s base, where he recognizes Jyn and shows the message that got from Bodhi.
Meanwhile on the Death Star, Orson demonstrates its power to Digital Grand Moff Tarkin by blowing up the Holy City of Muffin. Ghost Dog and his rebels die, but Jyn, Bodhi, Just Baze, Token Asian Dude, Cassian, and K-2SO escape the muffsplosion™. On the Death Star, Orson thinks this demo will get him a promotion, but Digital Tarkin tells him about Bodhi defecting, uses it to take over the project, and makes him see Darth Potato about that, where he gets choked out a little bit. I’ll bet he also lost the FitBit challenge against Commander Brenda. Orson can’t win. See, Q-Tip? It’s not just record companies that are shady.
The Rebels go to the planet where Hippie Dad is forced to live, and they witness Orson asking about the leak in their facility. In typical corporate political fashion, instead of administrative leave, he kills all the engineers except for Hippie Dad. Rebels then incite an attack on the base. Jyn realizes that they weren’t there to reunite her with Hippie Dad, but to kill Hippie Dad. Hippie Dad dies, but not before saying that he is proud of her, which is more than what most fathers do. Dad.
At the Rebel Base, Jyn proposes to steal the plans for the Death Star, but like every other goddamn board meeting, no one listens to the woman, and everyone starts mansplaining and talking about just beating the Empire with their alien dicks. Jyn and a small focus group go sneak to the Empire base on the planet Dubai to steal the plans. They take Bodhi's ship that looks like a sea turtle and name it "Rogue One". Jyn, Cassian, and K-2SO sneak into the corporate headquarters in disguises while Bodhi, Token Asian Dude, Just Baze, and the other Rebels (one who looks like Ludacris) set up an ambush/distraction. Of course, the plan goes to shit, but not before Jyn and Cassian locate the Death Star files. Sadly, K-2SO got shot up and died, but he went out like a damn soldier. I think in the future, his death scene will be regaled by our robot overlords as Droid Glory. #BlackDroidsMatter. Outside Corporate, everyone else is fighting for their lives. FINALLY, the rest of the Rebels realize they should have listened to Jyn, and now they’re battling Empire forces while waiting for the space Wi-Fi to turn on so that they can download the Death Star plans.
In the meantime, everybody dies. This is Red Wedding Star Wars style. Bodhi dies. Ludacris dies. Token Asian Dude dies. Just Baze Dies. But Jyn and Cassian are able to get the Wi-Fi working, so they didn’t don’t die in vain. The plans get uploaded, and some of the Rebels escape, but Digital Tarkin orders the Death Star to destroy the base on Planet Dubai, so Jyn and Cassian die, too.
As the Empire interrupts the Rebels’ escape, the one ship that received the Death Star plans is boarded by Darth Potato, and he kills a bunch of people, but the plans still got into rebel hands of none other than General Leia Organa, who was a princess at the time. She will become a great warrior as a princess. She’ll endure some hardcore S&M, watch her planet explode with Jimmy Smits on it, inadvertently make out with her twin brother, be forced into human trafficking by a giant slug who she eventually kills, marry and have a British kid with a space pirate, and eventually divorce that dude and become a general of an alliance against space Nazis who are obsessed with giant balls that kill people. She had her shit together throughout the series. Meanwhile, Luke gets super distraught over the death of a dude he knew for like 5 hours, can’t handle a damn paternity revelation, and gives up on teaching because ONE student turns out to be a little asshole. The dudes in this series need to get their shit together. Leia was a badass mother…except for her disdain for wookies. No medal, no hug? Come on!