Monday, February 26, 2018

The Top 26 Dumb-as-Fuck Reasons Why People Mistakenly Thought I was Gay

Throughout my life, people have mistakenly thought I was gay. I get that I am sometimes unconventional and thumb my nose at the image of the stereotypical heterosexual man that society perpetuates, but I always think it is pretty obvious that I am straight until someone says, “Oh, I thought you were gay!” This doesn’t bother me as much as it did when I was a young moron who tried hard to be a “man’s man”. “Man’s man”, incidentally, is probably the gayest was to describe someone as hyper masculine. I hear that and think, “Oh, dude’s got a boyfriend. Good for him!” Now it is just funny, and it shows how toxic masculinity has infested even the most seemingly progressive of individuals. Friends have told me that that someone asked if I was gay, and even had a discussion behind my back about it. Unless you are doing some low key matchmaking, why is my sexuality even a topic of discussion? THen when I ask why they even thought that, I’d get a myriad of answers:

1.    “You just scream ‘gay’!”

I hear this one the most, and I believe it is because the person is going through all the factors they took into account to label me, and are realizing how sexist and homophobic they really are without realizing it. I would hope that this means they won’t make assumptions about people with a lack of evidence, but I also hoped that Santa Claus was real for a long time, too, so…

2.    Never met a black man “speak so well” and am “so smart”.

This one is my favorite, because it is not only kind of sexist, it is also definitely racist. Because I “speak well” and am “smart” AND black, I HAVE to be gay in order for those three Venn diagrams to merge? Do you think that black men are grunting Neanderthals who cannot properly put subjects and verbs together in a coherent manner? News flash, Neanderthals were primarily in Europe, which I guess I know because of my gay-ass intelligence. Congratulations. You have insulted gay people AND people of color, all in one sentence. Also, this is the one I’ve heard the most after #1.

3.    I have a bachelor’s degree.

This goes in with the “so smart”. Do they think then that RuPaul has a PhD? Was Liberace just a living computer? It is just funny, because people say, “That’s gay”, for things that are dumb, but they assume I’m gay because I’m smart. What happened to your brain that you made so many incoherent logical leaps?

4.    I dress well.

I blame Queer Eye for the Straight Guy partially for this lapse in logic. Besides the fact that fashion trends and what is “masculine and feminine” in dress will change from decade to decade, I also know that I have never seen a woman go for a guy wearing a burlap sack and rope belt, so perhaps I should step up my dress game.

5.    I wore heels for a charity event to fund a battered women’s counseling group.

Going in with the changing fashion trends, Men USED to wear heels, but now that is a “women thing”. I wore heels for charity, and someone thought I was gay. That would mean that three entire local county police and fire departments hire exclusively gay men, because they were all at the event as well, in heels. That would be surprisingly progressive for Monroe County.

6.    I don’t really like sports.

As a child, sports were boring and cutting into my cartoon watching time. It had nothing to do with a desire for dudes. When I was a teenager, I was “gay” for being black and not able to play basketball, so once again, racism and sexism have merged to make a dumb fuck opinion. As an adult, I started liking soccer but was told that’s the GAY football, so I guess every other country except the US is gay as fuck. Recently, I was assumed to be gay because I stopped watching NFL all together for social/political reasons. I guess giving a damn about CTE, domestic violence, and black men’s free speech rights is some gay shit.

7.    I walked away from a petty fight.

One time I ignored a guy who was ready to throw down over three spilled tater tots. HE bumped into ME, and got belligerent, and later a person I met at the time asked me if I’m gay, the reason being I didn’t want to fight. Those tater tots were good, but they were not “Knock a nigga out” good. Chocolate lava cake, however…

8.    I listen to people when they talk.

Women talk all the time about how their significant others don’t listen to them. I listen to people so that I know what they like, what a good gift for them would be, if there are off-limit topics for them, and for that, someone thought that, “no straight man is that good a listener”. I mean…that is a positive stereotype for gay men, I guess, but really? I am doing the thing that you complain that straight men don’t do.

9.    I said, “Excuse me”.

Nowhere outside of a Ludacris song is, “MOVE BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY”, received well. Yet me wanting to get people out of my way without body checking them is supposedly an indicator that I kiss dudes. The person who thinks this must think Canada is Fire Island.

10.   I said, “Pardon me”, instead of, “Excuse me”.

This would mean every British man with manners is gay, too.

11.   I don’t have a dream car.

Some guys are into cars. I just want something with all-wheel drive, good gas mileage, and maybe a backup camera. I couldn’t give two shits about a HEMI. And still, someone thought that I was in the closet because I couldn’t rattle off a year, make, and model with engine and detail specs. That was our second and last date.

12.   I like “white music”.

Black people invented rock and roll, but I’m gay for listening to Living Colour, a band of black people? He also thought REM was country music, so…

13.   I eat “so neatly”.

Having dexterity to manipulate utensils is not an indicator of homosexuality. It is an indicator of HUMAN EVOLUTION.

14.   I didn’t laugh at a joke.

It wasn’t even a homophobic joke. It was just not funny.

15.   I use chapstick.

“Real” men have cracked lips, I guess.

16.   Because I was lounging in my profile picture.

“He thought you were gay.”

“Why? How?”

“Because you were relaxing in your profile picture.”

“What the fuck? HE is relaxing in HIS profile picture! Do I need to fuck a bald eagle while doing my taxes or something?”

17.   I have a lot of female friends.

This comes from the bullshit idiocy that people of different genders cannot be platonic friends. This was on a first date. It was also a last date.

18.   I have a lot of male friends.

Having too many male friends and not many female friends? Too coincidental! But it’s homosocial, not homosexual.

19.   I have LGBTQ+ friends.

This came from a person who most definitely has also said, “I can’t be racist! I have a black friend!”

20.   I volunteered for the Out Alliance a few times.

Because giving a shit about people’s rights is mad homo, yo!

21.   I called out sexism.

Not being sexist and a man is often misconstrued as the man being gay. That being a common misconception does not absolve it from being dumb as shit.

22.   I am over 30, and I dance.

The exact words, “I don’t dance, because any man over 25 who dances is a FAGGOT”. The F-word almost felt like he was trying to punch it out.

23.   I raised my arms above nipple level once while dancing.

Does that mean AT nipple level is bisexual or intersex?

24.   I raised an eyebrow.

ANY PHYSICAL EXPRESSION OF EMOTION IS GAY. Hear that, every goddamn comedian in the world?

25.   I like cats.

OK…”manly” men are often associated with precise yet brutal violence. Cats are tiny serial killers, and they play with their food. Wouldn’t affinity for them be manly AF? I’m living with a murderer! This is why the lion, not the hyena, is king of the jungle.

26.   Because I asked, “What about me makes you think I’m gay?”

I just…what?

There are more moronic reasons thought I was gay. This list could go for at least 4 pages. Not one of them has anything to do with actual sexuality, i.e., kissing and/or fucking a dude. They all have to do with either “traditional” gendered behavior, or just fuckery. The fact that more “progressive” people fall into this inane thought process tells me that people are not anywhere near as progressive and open minded as they think they are. It also tells me that toxic masculinity is a cancer that has infected and festered every part society, and we need to do more to extract it.

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