Monday, November 7, 2011

Silver Linings

Greetings to all. Your Beleaguered Bard has a tale of woe to spin for you. But fear not; there are silver linings, for I SHALL find the light in everything that has befallen me, then make light of the bad parts to make everyone laugh and/or feel awkwardly uncomfortable. The story begins at 5:30am, when I got up with an IMMENSE headache. WTF? I was going to just stay in bed, but three Advils and 45 minutes later, I was at work, at my desk, ready to work. My mobile rang. It was my ex-wife, to whom I had not spoken in three years. What the f***?

ME: Hello?
SHE [In still-thick Ukrainian accent]: Hi, how are you?
ME: [In my mind] What the f***?
SHE: Hello? Are you there?
ME: Um, yes…What do you want? Why are you calling me?
SHE: Well, I need favour. Can y-
ME: Wait, is the baby still white?
SHE: …yes, bu-
ME: Okay, then. Отвали. Bye!

See, my “lovely” ex and I had a deal: She doesn’t call me again, and I don’t hurl insults at her. I felt it was the least she could do, seeing that the baby came out white and all. Il est juste, non?

Work goes on…I get an email, sent to everyone:

There are 10 of these canopy tarps in the [construction lab]. They are new in the box. If you are interested in owning one, please let me know. If we end up with more than 10 people interested, we will draw names to determine the winners. Drawing will take place on 11/14/11 at noon.

Timothy Needstochill

Cool! A few canopy tarps for the Academy! So I promptly replied:

Hi Tim,
Are those canopy tarps already spoken for? If not, I’d like two of them, one if there are more requests for them. Just let me know when I can pick them up, and I’ll make it happen.

 -Squire B.

…To which he replied:

If you read my e-mail you would have clearly seen that we are going to raffle them off next Monday. Since I already have 25 requests The chances of you getting 2 is Zero. I’ll put your name in the hat.

What. The. F***? The id in me wished to go down to his office and pound a response into him, about as physically rude as his email was. This would have been a bad idea since he was a manager. I’d have been a hero, but out of a job. Fortunately, I took a few breaths, and the sarcastic bastard in me wrote this…and BCC’ed a few squires:

 My apologies. After re-reading the e-mail that was forwarded by Karen, when you said, “IF we end up with more than 10 people interested, we will draw names to determine the winners”, I assumed you meant that the raffle would be a condition of you getting more than 10 responses.

 Since I do not have access to your inbox and therefore have no way of knowing how many people may have contacted you regarding the tarps, I thought the appropriate/most civil course of action was to ask you if they were still available with the quantity I wished to have, and to let you know I could take them off your hands as soon as I can, as I am aware of the limited space you have in the SCA.

 Since they are not, I am more than happy to participate in the raffle for at least one. I’ll look forward to the name-drawing on 14th November.

 Best Regards,
Squire Bugiganga

…I highly doubt I’m going to get that tarp…

Finally, I headed home to change before training, and as I turned into the driveway to my car park spot, I saw that neighbour had parked at the beginning of the driveway, thereby blocking the only way for any of the 9 tenants who are paying for parking to get to our spots. WHAT. THE. F***!!!  I pretty much gave up. This must be the precursor to what will be a week to remember. Do I just stay in a shell all week? I was waiting for someone to ask if I had a case of the Mondays, so that I could practise extracting their trachea with my mind. F*** a Monday.

…then I entered my apartment, and the building manager was taping up my windows for the winter. Brilliant! I’ve been waiting weeks for him to do that. He did a spot on job too. Now to just need to get a bigger heater, and I’m set for the weekend. Then I checked the mail, and I apparently overpaid a credit card bill by about $200. They sent me the check for the difference today. F*** yeah!

Then I reflected on the happenings of the day, and realised a few things: ShaqsDad (my boss) is gone for 3 days. That’s like a having a holiday at work. I was only on the phone with my ex-wife for 30 seconds, and also, the sound of her voice did not enrage me to the point of blacking out and spewing the most wretched, soul-piercing vitriol ever known to humans, as it did the first time I heard from her after she gave me the good news. I think that's progress. I got to make a manager of Morondoor look like the yutz he is, using his own words. Because of my a**hole neighbour, I got a street spot that was slightly more convenient than my paid spot. And after everything, I got $200 for having a s****y day! It’s like when I was on a bad date, and when walking back, I found $60 on the street, which was the amount I spent for dinner. Speaking of dinner, I happen to be eating a soup that my neighbour's friend made for me, and the tortellini noodles look a lot like tiny vaginas. I don't know anyone who can be in a bad mood while eating vaginas.

So I suppose this tail of woe is not so woeful afterall. I’m up $200, I had fun assistant-teaching today, I got confirmation that a wound had finally closed, I got to use my lacklustre writing skills to put a smile on some co-workers’ faces, and I'm munching on what looks like my favourite thing on which to munch. The lessons: It’s almost always much easier to find the silver lining than it is to wallow in sorrow, so keep your f***ing chin up and stop your bitching. Also, after the baby comes out white, nothing is ever really THAT big a deal. :-D

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