Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The Inevitable Fall, Rise, and Triumph of Yorick Stardust


Greetings, readers. Your battle-worn bard must step away from the recent rants about the nonsense of the world to focus on a home-borne tale of woe and whimsy. This, friends and enemies, is the tale of the Inevitable Fall, Rise, and Triumph of Yorick Stardust!

You may recall my tales of Yorick the Short. He has been mentioned many times in the annals of the Chronicles of Nonsense, all the way from the beginning. He is the Squire Specialist who does the work of four full squires. He has three levels of professional certifications in our primary function: the creation of paths and castles for other kingdoms. He is only hours away from acquiring his Bachelor of Science in Tomfoolery. Though everyone depended on him to do ALL the work in the kingdom, he still was treated with disrespect, for his Tomfoolery degree was not yet at hand…Also, lord who supervised him is ShaqsDad the Destroyer. Yorick asked for little; only respect and acknowledgement for all his feats. Instead, the lords, and some to the squires chose to only use him for corporate sodomy after carrying the group for the many moons that he has been here. He only asked that he be allowed to put on lipstick before they f***ed him, but they instead used a sand and tobacco sauce lube to make the f***ing less pleasurable:

  • The first nail had been told, in his venture to the City of Sin. No one fought to keep him in Morondor.
  • Yorick suggested that one of his former colleagues from when he was a sea-faring warrior be allowed to work in the Kingdom. They did so! Welcome: Bradley, Master of Bad Punnery. Bradley was hired as a Squire Specialist 4. Yorick is a Squire Specialist 2. Bradley knows slightly less than Yorick. WTF? Nail 2.
  • The Counsel of Squires is an annual event, where all squires of Morondor are reviewed and either admonished or praised for their feats. Traditionally, an extra pouch of gold or promotion is in order. Yorick’s was filled with praise beyond all. He was told were it not for his accomplishments, our sector of the Kingdom would surely fall to the dank dungeons of Morondor. For his accomplishments, he was awarded with a promotion! ...wait, no he wasn’t! ShaqsDad “forgot” to submit the Parchments of Promotion to the Kingdom’s HR department. No promotion, even though he deserved it! Nail 3.
  • In the Counsel, Yorick asked, “Well, when I finally acquire my Bachelor of Tomfoolery, shall I at least be promoted to full Squire?” His lord responded, “No, we cannot do that, because [insert steaming pile of dragon dung here]”…it was not known exactly what was said, because it did not matter. None of it made sense. Nail 4.
  • So Yorick asked, “Do I at least get an extra packet of gold for the year?” Again, the answer was no. Instead of giving a large pouch of gold to Yorick, ShaqsDad thought it would be smarter to distribute the pouch of gold amongst all the brand new squires, none of whom have really proven themselves yet, one of whom we all KNOW is probably only slightly smarter than burlap. Nail 5.
  • Yorick decided to look inside the Kingdom for another opportunity, partially because he could only take so much sodomy, and partially because he wanted to see if anyone would care. He told his lord of his venture to another part of Morondor, and his lord did not raise much of an eyebrow. Yorick supposed this meant he did not care, or perhaps he thought Yorick would not leave such a nice position. Yorick got an offer within a week, and THAT’S when maelstrom hit our serfdom. THAT is when there was empty talk of counter-offers. THAT’S when people acted like they care. Nail 6.

Yorick did not take the offer from the other realm of the Kingdom, and all lords thought that meant he enjoyed the sodomy here so much that he could not leave. Oh, smug looks on their faces were wide and shining, like they had all just got laid by Angela Bassett. ShaqsDad had the largest grin. What they did not know was that Yorick had also applied to a completely different kingdom: the Kingdom of Cisc. Cisc offered him a role in their kingdom that nearly tripled his gold intake via flying monkey. He was merely waiting for the parchment to come, and one fortnight prior, it did. Yorick shall leave the kingdom of Morondor today, and shall work for the Kingdom of Cisc come next fortnight. Finally, Yorick got to sodomise his sodomites. He did not use lipstick either. The squires who respect him quietly rejoiced.

This is a sad day for the Kingdom of Morondor; for we will lose one Yorick, and it angers some that it all could have been avoided. However, the lords in charge of the squires are too addicted to sodomising all those in their employ with tobacco sauce lube that they could not stop for one minute to try to keep their best squire…I’m sorry; “squire SPECIALIST”. Fare thee well, Yorick. You shall be missed dearly by those who know your worth.

…Aren’t you glad I got through this whole post without making some sort of “Alas, poor Yorick…” pun?

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