Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Almost Tuesday 01/04/2016: Taxonomy of Pander Bears



CHRIS: Hey Woody. Let’s talk about bears. Can you think of any types of bear?
WOODY: I like Koalas!
CHRIS: OK, technically a marsupial, but I’ll take it.
KARA: I love red pandas! They’re so cute!
CHRIS: Um…OK, the red panda isn’t a bear either. It’s in it Ailuridae family, under the super family that includes weasels and skunks…
MALCOLM: I like woolybears!
CHRIS: Oh, come on! That’s a type of caterpillar! You’re not even trying now!
KARA: I miss Mike Barry…
CHRIS: …Yeah, me too. Well, I’m going to give some examples of actual bears. There’s the giant panda, the North American black bear, the grizzly, and my favourite, the Pander Bear!
WOODY: Wait, you said panda twice.
CHRIS: No no, not panda bear, PANDER BEAR. It’s a rare breed of bear that never hibernates. It is usually more active about 6 months before an election, and then it gets more and more aggressive with its mating attempts closer to primaries. They like to mate with other species of bears.
WOODY: What the hell?
CHRIS: You look confused. Let me give you a few examples. There are a few subspecies of Pander Bears. For example, The West coast Fiorina often fails at all its efforts. It will cost 1,000s of people their livelihoods, get kicked out of its cave, and fail at competitions with other pander bears. It also repeats false statements about how baby bears are born, and no amount of truth will sway its path.
WOODY: That sounds like a path to self-destruction.
CHRIS: Yeah, it’s not the best Pander Bear in the world. There’s also the Bear Carson. It migrates from Detroit to Baltimore. People thought it was a high-functioning mammal, but the roars that come out of its mouth as of late show that it may be the dumbest bear known to man. It actually quacks.
WOODY: There is no way any bear would follow it! It quacks!
CHRIS: You’d be surpised…
WOODY: I think I’ve seen this type of bear before. Is the Central Texas CruzBear a Pander Bear?
CHRIS: Well, yes, but come on, Woody, let’s be honest. It’s a Cuban Canadian Pander Bear. It only migrated to Texas. There should be a Bearther movement. It is not well-liked, and it panders to heavily coated, most hunkered down cave bears. Its temperament is the worst. Former cavemates of the Canadian Cuban Pander Bear could not stand its presence. He’s worse than the Cuban Florida Rubiear.
WOODY: What other Pander Bears are there?
CHRIS: Well, there’s the New Jersey Christie Bear. It does a lot of pandering in Iowa, but it’s mostly known for making bears migrating to New York for the summer constipated, stopping them in their tracks.
WOODY: Gross.
CHRIS: And a really dangerous bear is the Huckabear.
WOODY: The Huckabear? But it’s so cute and fluffy!
CHRIS: The Huckabear is toxic and poisonous! One touch of a Huckabear will kill the average reasonably thinking human. The most dangerous Pander Bear, though, is the North Astoria Bloviating Trump Bear. It disguises itself as an angry potato with a dead mangy fox on its head. Its breath is very hot, but its roar sounds horrible and has no real substance to it, but it makes the whitest of polar bears follow him to the ends of the earth! The more horrible it sounds, the more extreme the polar bears get!
WOODY: That has to be the worst Pander Bear ever!
CHRIS: Oh no. The Bloviating Trump Bear is pretty terrible, but it’s not the worst Pander Bear out there. The very worst is the Hillary Bear. This bear panders so much, it is nearly nauseating. I mean, we get that you’re a pander bear, but Come one!
WOODY: Ooooh, I think I’ve heard of this bear. Isn’t that the bear who was born in the Midwest, but  it tried to pass itself off as a Southern Muskrat, but the next year migrated north and pretended to be a  North Atlantic Bear?
CHRIS: Yes! She changed her growl and everything! And she became a Hispander bear and tried to get Central and South American Brown Bears to follow her. Now she’s going hard for Black Bears! You know she painted a picture of Rosa Parks on herself for the anniversary of her arrest on a bus? But she painted it on her HIND LEGS! Why not on the front haunches??? And she does the same thing EVERY Pander Bear does, just has a black bear at her side in the corner whenever she walks through the forest! And just last week, she repainted her fur red, black and green, in honor of Kwanzaa! KWANZAA! How much pandering can one bear do? Black bears don’t even celebrate Kwanzaa! They just put it out there to make polar bears feel guilty abou-
MALCOLM: Uhuhuh! Um…
CHRIS: Oh, right. Kwanzaa is an African American holiday that celebrates the richness and culture of the African Diaspora.
WOODY: Wait, what were you saying about polar bears feeling guilty?
MALCOLM: Nothing. Kwanzaa is the first specifically African-American holiday, derived from the Swahili phrase, “Matunde ya Kwanzaa”, which means, “First Fruits of the Harvest”.
WOODY: OK, that’s great, but can you finish the part about the polar bears? Or…
CHRIS: Yeah…see, The Hillary Bear is incessant with pandering, but is really bad at it, too. There’s a New England Bernie Bear that roams Vermont that panders like no one’s business, but he’s so casual about it, you hardly notice it. Did you see the picture taken of him with a genuine Atlanta Killer Mike?
WOODY: A genuine Killer Mike? Amazing!
CHRIS: I know! We all knew the Bernie Bear was pandering, but it was so nonchalant. And I hear there’s an O’Malley Pander Bear, but it is so bad at pandering, I fear it will die out pretty soon. The Hillary Bear, though, is over the top! Whenever the Hillary Bear is around, I feel like the recipient of a bunch of drunk texts from someone I only had 2 coffee dates with, or that lady in that catcalling video! She’s all, “Here’s a sandwich”. And I’m like, “Thanks, I’ll eat it later”, and she’s, “Did you eat the sandwich yet? Here’s another sandwich!” I’m just sitting there, saying, “I didn’t even eat the first sandwich!”  She’s all, “But I made a sandwich, I hear that’s what you like. Eat the sandwich!” And I’m all, “I NEVER ASKED FOR A SANDWICH!!!!”
KARA: Um…Chris, if you didn’t like my sandwiches, you could have just told me.
CHRIS: …I’m bad at communicating.

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