Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Almost Tuesday 12/22/2015: The Real War on Christmas



Mikey Heller's on this show! And we talk about the War on Christmas!

CHRIS: Kara and I just got here from the mall.
WOODY: Doing a little last minute shopping? I thought you were Jewish. And Kara, you’re agnostic!
CHRIS: Oh
we are. But we’re part of an elite team. We’re agents in a clandestine operation to eradicate the pomposity of the season.
WOODY: No…You mean…
KARA: That’s right, Woody. There is an actual War on Christmas. We’ve been fighting it for years.
WOODY: But why? What do you have against Jesus?
CHRIS: Oh, we don’t have anything against the magical love child. We actually think he’s a generally nice person. We just sabotage all those things that people hold dear about Christmas.
KARA: Honestly, it’s just kind of fun.
CHRIS: I got a bunch of kids to organize an #OccupyNorthPole protest the Elf on a Shelf, accusing him of being an operative for the NSA. Kara switched all the cups in coffee shops to red and green cups. People lost their minds!
WOODY: Wait...that was you???
CHRIS: Yup. Add the black of the coffee, and you have bonafide Kwanzaa cups. And people thought it was some anti-Christmas thing! It was totally a “Day After Christmas” thing.
KARA: Also, when people wish me “Happy Holidays”, I wish them “Happy Kwanzaa”.
WOODY: I see. I guess #BlackHolidaysMatter, huh?
KARA: We’ll dispense the jokes here, buddy.
CHRIS: I went to the mall and replaced all of the Christmas Tree ornaments with Stars of
David and dreidels. Jesus WAS Jewish, after all.
KARA: I switched the labels of the Christmas music and Kendrick Lamar at my parents’ house.
CHRIS: We both took all night to set people’s autocorrect to change any mention of “Merry
Christmas” to “Happy Holidays”.
KARA: We also snuck a fun fact about a Christmas icon into people’s toy shopping bags!
WOODY: What “fun fact”?
CHRIS: Well, did you know that St. Nicholas is the patron saint of children?
WOODY: Of course. Everybody knows that.
CHRIS: Did you also know he’s the patron saint of prostitutes?
WOODY: WHOA!
KARA: Yeah. Kind of brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Ho, Ho, Ho.”
CHRIS: I hired a group of chronic stutterers to sing “12 Days of Christmas” at my office party. 4 people died of fatigue.
KARA: Yeah, we weren’t too proud of that one.
CHRIS: No…But at the same party, I brought Gingerbread cookies, but I baked them with
kosher salt.
WOODY: Um…People died!
CHRIS: They were middle management! No one will miss them. Kara dressed up like Jesus with a single tear drop, holding a birthday cake, and stood next to the mall Santa.
KARA: Whenever someone sings “White Christmas”, I have people chant, “#BlackChristmasMatters”, and start playing Kendrick Lamar. Especially at GOP debates.
WOODY: Well, after saying things like, “Make America Great Again”, and, “Take Our Country Back”, “White Christmas” sounds a little…”Ku Kluxy”…at those debates.
CHRIS: Starting the day after Thanksgiving, we not only spell the next holiday Xmas, we also replace any mention of “Christ” in names with X. So Xopher, Xine, Xal…
WOODY: But that X is an abbreviation from 1000 years ago, because the X resembles a cross…
KARA: I know that, and YOU know that, but people who get upset about these things don’t read.
CHRIS: I told the neighbor’s kid that Christmas is all about the birth of Yeezus. Now he thinks that a Kardashian is going to come down the chimney and break his internet.
KARA: Remember when you told kids that the Keystone Pipeline would go right through Santa’s workshop? Those kids wouldn’t leave their parents alone until they started lobbying against it!
WOODY: Well, there were some environmental concerns over the pipeline anyway...
CHRIS: Yeah, that was a good one. And when people started singing, “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, you interrupted by saying, “NO MEANS NO!”
WOODY: Actually, consent culture is a very important thing to promote…
KARA: I called the Human Rights Campaign and had them investigate the working conditions of Santa’s workshop. 1,000 elves were freed from forced labor!
WOODY: …So you helped them…
CHRIS: I convinced a kid in line to see a mall Santa to ask him for peace on earth
instead of gifts.
KARA: And convinced a bunch of kids in a toy store to give all their gifts to poor children.
WOODY: Well, those are just kind of nice. It teaches kids to be more thoughtful and less selfish.
CHRIS: THERE IS NOTHING THOUGHTFUL ABOUT WAR, WOODY! The War on Christmas is real!
KARA: One time, we collected a bunch of coats and left them on a homeless shelter’s doorstep with a note that said, “Love, Santa”. Now those suckers think Santa did it!
CHRIS: I snuck into an orphanage one time and dumped a bunch of toys in the hallway,
blocking it! They had to unwrap them to get down the stairs.
KARA: Remember when we had an ugly sweater party, but no one could get in unless they brought a canned good for the local food bank?
WOODY: Hold on, guys! Most of these pranks are not really war-like. All you’re doing is pointing long forgotten things about the season and making people acknowledge that there are other holidays in the season. Except for that office 12 Days of Christmas prank. You should probably go to jail for that.
CHRIS: Middle management, Woody. No jury would convict me.
WOODY: the point is, most of the stuff you say you did, no one should be offended or hurt by it. You gave toys to orphans! You gave food and clothes to people who most needed it! They call this the Season of Giving, and it’s to celebrate a Middle Eastern man who loved everyone unconditionally, fed to the poor, healed the sick, and berated the greed of capitalism, and then was publicly beaten down because of his outspokenness!
KARA: Actually, Barack Obama is from Hawaii…
WOODY: Not him!
CHRIS: Well who else? The Pope lives in Europe
WOODY: I’M TALKING ABOUT JESUS!
KARA & CHRIS: Ohhhhhhh. [BOTH OF US MAKE AFFIRMING RIDICULOUS STATEMENTS LIKE, “I knew Jesus has never been to Hawaii”, AND, “I like crunchy peanut butter.”]
WOODY: Your tactics just seem like a lot of good-hearted fun, and parts of it it benefit the disadvantaged. You’re emulating the holiday that you’re trying to subvert. It sounds like your “War on Xmas” is a “Campaign FOR Xmas”.
KARA: Well, except for those for people that died. Yeah, Chris, you should probably go to jail for that.
CHRIS. Middle. Management. Besides, no one ever liked Steve in HR.

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