About Your So-Called Relationship with Julian Assange

World's 2nd Most Punchable Face

Dear Liberal Friends,

I know a lot of you hoist up Julian Assange as a liberator of the truth, as though he and Wikileaks are fighting the good fight, wresting the darkest secrets of various governments from their wretched grasps. He has been telling you that he brings the light of Prometheus to the masses, feeding your efforts for absolute wokeness. On paper, he looks ideal. In practicum, though, I have some bad news for you…

Julian Assange is not your Truth Bae.

Assange wants to project himself as Jordan Catalano from “My So-Called Life”. He looks all edgy, he smokes weed, he says out-of-the-mainstream things that make you think he's deeper than what he really is. You have a crush on him partially because your parents, the US Government, do NOT approve of him. When Wikileaks first came to mainstream attention, it was because they released a heap of data that made the US look bad, with embassy cables and secret battle videos and Guantanamo reports. Of course, anything making mom and dad look bad would make you want him more!

Put your fucking shirt on. You ain't fly.

But let's not forget, Jordan Catalano was always kind of a dirt bag. He kept stringing Angela along, but he still fucked her best friend! Julian Catalano doesn't give a shit about you. Forget the mystical, “those secrets jeopardize civilian lives” BS that governments who are victims of Wikileaks like to dole out. That line is as lame as your love for Julian. Those governments are just embarrassed that they were caught with their pants down. But Julain just does not care about the public citizen lives that he may hurt. One of his latest leaks outed gay Saudi Arabians and rape victims. Homosexuality is illegal in Saudi Arabia, punishable by death. Rape victims in Saudi Arabia are usually punished by their own families with death, and they are often found culpable by the government and flogged or worse. What purpose could Wikileaks have to make public information that would put common citizens in mortal danger? In what realm of reality does the slogan, “We open governments”, mean, “We get our potential reader base killed”? That shows how little dude cares about you.

You probably should have known something was up when he released a bunch of Hillary Clinton's emails and then did an interview claiming that Secretary of State Clinton deliberately sold weapons to ISIS in Libya. In his arrogance, Julian Catalano made Wikileaks searchable, probably because he knew you wouldn’t ACTUALLY search. Look at the emails. During her time as Secretary of State, she approved arming the rebel fighters. She approved nominal training. The US handling was too hands-off. SOME, not all of those fighters joined ISIS, likely out of a sense of desperation for mobility against the regime. That is NOT the same as “deliberately funding ISIS”. He twisted words around to manipulate you into thinking the worst of someone. That is such a Jordan Catalano move.

Oh Jordan. What have you become?

And let us not forget that Jordan Catalano grew up to become the Joker. He's not even one that people love. He looks like if Endgame Joker and a Juggalo had a baby. And we all know how toxic his relationship is with Harley Quinn! Julian Assange is no better! Have you forgotten the rape charges? He called it “surprise sex”. THAT’S RAPE! The only way “surprise sex” ISN’T rape is if a swinger has a surprise birthday party. I doubt that Julian Assange is a swinger, and given his penchant for stretching the truth, it is possible he is a lizard person. Lizard people hate parties and consent.

I know you love him and all, but just think for a minute. Perhaps he ISN’T waking you up with all his truth bombs. Perhaps his subversiveness is just a way to get attention for himself, and he’s just stringing you along because he enjoys the publicity. He’s probably sitting in a tub in the Ecuadorian embassy, rubbing his weird lizard-people nipples, sensing that I’m writing about him right now. He never loved you, and he never will. He is not the Woke RObin Hood he presents himself to be. He may have gotten a bunch of innocent Saudi people killed with his “opening of governments”. He doesn’t give a fuck about that, and he doesn’t give a fuck about you, only your attention to him.

Your buddy,

Me.