Dear Offended White People,
It has been a very tumultuous year for you, what with you having to be offending by Lemonade and Beyonce winning the Superbowl, and #BlackLivesMatter activists practicing civil disobedience exactly like the way Martin Luther King did, but somehow not emulating your wispy image of Martin Luther King being the good negro that your dad would have lynched. Now you have to suffer through Colin Kaepernick not standing for the National Anthem in protest of unfair treatment of marginalized citizens in the United States. I just want to tell you that I’m very sorry. Colin Kaepernick did not get the memo that the First Amendment and free expression only applies to white people.
It must have offended you deeply that Kaepernick would not stand, and then eloquently explained why he would not stand. How dare a brown athlete use his public image make a political statement! Who does he think he is? This has never happened before, and we’ll put him right in line, like we did to Jesse Owens after the Berlin Olympics, and to Tommie Smith and John Carlos after the Mexico City Olympics, and to Lebron James and Steph Curry for speaking on Black Lives Matter and donning black t-shirts, and to the WNBA’s Indiana Fever, New York Liberty, Minnesota Lynx, and Phoenix Mercury for their Black Lives Matter protests this summer. FOr the latter, though, I’ll be sure not to say anything to the white WNBA players who were in solidarity with their black teammates. They didn’t know better; they are part of the WWF*. They all should know better than to bring politics into sports. It’s not like the US ever boycotted an entire Olympic Games in protest for human rights before. We totally understand that you want black athletes to just shut up and play like good field hands, like OJ Simpson did before he “allegedly” killed people. Once he “did” that, he was reminded how black he actually was.
I’ll make sure that Colin Kaepernick fully understands that he just cannot say things that go against your sensitive nature. How dare he say that something is wrong with the United States! That would be like saying things against the President of the United States, like claiming that he is the founding member of a terrorist group bent on destroying the country, or claiming that he is not the Christian he claims to be, or claiming that he was born outside of the US. Can you imagine if someone insinuated that his wife is actually a man in a dress, or that his children are monkey drug addicts who took hard working white people’s jobs and scholarships away? Why, that would be treasonous! It’s a good thing white people said all of that, or else we’d have to go to trial!
It is obvious that Colin Kaepernick is not a patriot. Speaking about the ills of a country is just like nuking it. Definition of patriotism should be as fragile and shallow as not standing for the National Anthem or forgetting put one’s hand on her heart for the Anthem after doing one of the most physically exhaustive sporting events in the world. I know how patriotic YOU are by how much you fight for the confederate flag to be returned to state capitols. Sure, it’s a flag that is literally another country’s flag, and it’s a bygone country that attacked American soil and was responsible for more US deaths than both World Wars, and then it was heralded as a flag representative of terrorists who murdered thousands of American citizens, but those citizens were black, so I know you don’t care about that. There is nothing more patriotic than flying the flag of a terrorists and traitors!...as long as you’re white. I’ll take down my red, black, and green unity flag right now.
I would like to excuse Colin Kaepernick’s protest as just a young kid’s antics, but as we know, black people mature much faster than white people. That is why so many police officers mistake us for full-grown adults at ages as young as 10. This is why the Newark Police did not have to apologize to the short-haired 10-year old who they thought was a 20-year old adult with dreadlocks. They were completely justified in pulling their guns on him and yelling at him, forever giving the complex that many of us have where we want to trust police but were too regularly traumatized by what how they treated us when we had the audacity to be children and play in our yards or playgrounds or go to school. I understand that White people age much slower, which is why Ryan Lochte can be considered just a kid after he peed on and vandalized a gas station bathroom and then lied about it. I am also sorry that the Rio de Janeiro police have decided to try him as an adult. How could they not know???
It is probably even more infuriating that Kaepernick is speaking of “injustices” when he is so privileged. He was born destitute to an unwed Teenage mother. His father skipped out before he was born. His birth mother put him up for adoption. He earned his scholarship to school for through working hard to get a 4.0 GPA. Though he was a good athlete, he had to work hard to be seen as a viable football player, because he was so skinny and needed some serious training in throwing the ball. Man, what a cushy life! It’s not like he worked hard to get a job in his father’s already successful business, and then create an empire mired in debt and business practices that would be considered borderline racketeering, like a REAL American! Perhaps he should go live in another country, like you promised to do if the presidential candidate of your choice did not wien in 2008, or 2012, or any other time that the the law upheld and fortified the rights of people of whom you thought little until they spoke up for themselves. That reminds me, to whence should I forward this apology letter? I’m sure you made good on your promise by now.
In conclusion, dear offended white people, I would like to apologize to every other famous black, gay, and female human who has personally attacked you by saying things like, “We deserve respect”, and, “Please stop killing us”. These phrases are wanton attacks on your person, just like saying, “Pardon me, nay I get past you”, in a supermarket is equivalent to saying, “I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN IN FRONT OF YOU AND SPIT THEIR BONES IN YOUR FACE!” We’ll try to be more respectful of your patriotism. We’ll keep Dixie Chicks from saying anything else so that Ted Nugent can again discuss shoving a rifle down sitting senators’ throats and threaten to start a war. Joe Walsh NEEDS to have his threats to the President be heard. While we’re at it, we will admonish Bradley Cooper for not being the role he played in a mediocre film, because I understand that hurt your feelings, too. We’ll be better.
PS- I rented a stadium of 50,000 seats. The door is open. You can take all of them.
PPS- The stadium has an open dome, and I hired a blimp to circle it, tossing 100,000 lamp shades directly at you. Bring an umbrella, which will inevitably provide you shade.
*WWF: “Woke White Friends”, a neologism from the illustrious Phoebe Robinson.