Man, white people are really broken up about the split of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. I get it. You love your stars. You love seeing them together, and when they go through strife, you feel it hard. It doesn’t help that there is an entire media industry fueled by digging into celebrities’ personal lives. Stafucking is as American as apple pie* and pretending the Washington Redskins name isn’t racist as fuck.
I am not going to hem and haw about how dumb people are by caring about the split of movie stars that they don’t personally know. I, myself, am a starfucker, just not of former Brangelina. I wonder, however, if maybe the combo name fittingly makes the news of the separation harder to process. With that said, why don’t we do that with black celebrity couples? I want to invest more time and energy into my favorite stars, so that if they separate, I can feel the pain that my white friends are feeling now. LET ME FEEL YOUR PAIN!
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith: WILLADA They’ve been together for almost 20 years, so it is doubtful that they will split any time soon. Gotta get those kids through college!...or more likely, space camp.
Jordan Peele and Chelsea Peretti: JHELSEA. They just got married this year, but they probably have a few years in them. Also, I KNOW Chelsea Peretti isn’t black. I’m sure she’s part of the WWF (Woke White Friends). Look at her standup.
Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade: DABRIELLE. Gabs and Dwizzles have only been married for 2 years, and both have been married before, so hopefully second time’s a charm, but if not, I MIGHT feel that remote heartbreak.
Beyoncé and Jay Z: BAE Z or BAESHAWN or BAE [dot] CARTER. In 2008, the year of Hope and Change, Beyoncé and Jay Z were wed. They sold 300 million albums together, and I assume they took over as heads of the Illuminati. We were all worried that they would split when Lemonade came out, but they’re still together. If Bey puts out Lemonade II, though, the energy released from that breakup will destroy a small state if not harnessed for good.
Oprah Winfrey and Stedman: Oprah Winfrey. Because come on. There can only be ONE!
Ice Cube and Kimberly Woodruff: KIM3. Ice Cube and Kimberly Woodruff have been married for 24 years. Their marriage is almost old enough to be able to rent a car without an insane surcharge. They deserve a mashup.
Denzel Washington and Pauletta Pearson: DENZETTA. Denzetta have been married since 1983. That’s 33 years! That’s as long as Jesus lived! They even renewed their vows in 1995, officiated by ARCHBISHOP DESMOND TUTU! Not only is Denzel Washington the Greatest Actor of All Time, Period™, I’m quite certain Denzetta is the Greatest Marriage of All Time, Period.
Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz: SWIZZ KEYS. They’ve been married since 2010, and…ah, hell. I know this isn’t a mashup. I just want Swizz Beatz to change his stage surname to “Keys”.
Angela Bassett and Courtney B. Vance: COURTANGELA. Courtangela have been married for 19 years, which is how much older Angela Bassett is than me. Though many would lose their minds if they split, I would see it as an opportunity to finally court Angela Bassett, on whom I’ve had a crush since Kindergarten Cop. She would still rock a mean Storm in another X-Men reboot.
I’ll be honest. I don’t really care if we do mashups. I just wanted to reiterated that my crush on Angela Bassett will never die. Don’t mess up, Courtney.
*Apple pie is a Dutch creation. The only thing American about it is that we claim that it’s ours, but we’re willfully ignorant of its origins, kind of like Donald Trump, Jr. using a picture taken by a Syrian refugee to make a shitty analogy about Syrian refugees.