Tuesday, September 20, 2016

How to Avoid Being Shot in America

In the last week, we saw 13 year old Tyree King and 40 year old Terence Crutcher be shot by police. For Tyree King, police responded to an armed robbery call, saw 13 year old Tyree, and shot him multiple times. Reports say that he pulled the BB gun on them, but autopsies say that he was shot while running away. Since his death, Demetrius Brown was arrested for said armed robbery. It makes sense that they used lethal force on Tyree King, though. Ohio must apparently be required to kill a minor every two years in order to keep the Cthulhu in the Cincinnati River satisfied.
In Terence Crutcher’s case, he had some car trouble. It was car trouble so bad that three or four squad cars and a helicopter had to respond. Him walking with his hands up in the air made him look so threatening that the officer HAD to shoot him. According to the officer in the helicopter, he looked like a “really bad dude”, like he was on drugs or something. Because you can definitely tell that from a helicopter hundreds of feet above ground. It was important for the Tulsa PD officer to shoot Crutcher even though he was unarmed, because what if he had superpowers? He could have shoryukened the whole ground team and gotten away in his non-working car!
In light of these two incidents, I feel the need to remind people of tips to keep themselves safe and not shot by police and overzealous armed citizens in the United States:
  1. Don't have a broken down car.
  2. Don't put your hands up.
  3. Don't play with a toy gun in an open carry state.
  4. Don't drive while deaf.
  5. Don't have a seizure.
  6. Don't announce that you're armed in an open carry state.
  7. Don't sell CDs.
  8. Don't sell loosies.
  9. Don't try to help your special needs client while sprawled out in the street announcing that you're helping your special needs client.
  10. Don't be 13.
  11. Don't be 14.
  12. Don't be 40.
  13. Don't be 39.
  14. Don't be 27.
  15. Don't ask why you're being stopped.
  16. Don't smoke in your car while waiting.
  17. Don't have a wedding.
  18. Don't have a Bachelor party.
  19. Don't knock on doors for help.
  20. Don't try to protect your home.
  21. Don't be a baby sleeping.
  22. Don't be homeless sleeping.
  23. Don't sleep.
  24. Don't sit in your bedroom.
  25. Don't sit in your living room
  26. Don't walk down a flight of stairs.
  27. Don't go to a funeral.
  28. Don't drive.
  29. Don't take public transit.
  30. Don't have a mental illness.
  31. Don't reach for your wallet.
  32. Don't speak.
  33. Don't not have English as your native tongue.
  34. Don't try to escape your abusive relationship.
  35. Don't wear baggy clothes.
  36. Don't wear tight clothes.
  37. Don't cosplay.
  38. Don't go to church.
  39. Don't stand in your driveway.
...but most importantly, the three pivotal rules that will help you not get shot in the United States:
  1. Don't be non-white.
  2. Don't be a woman.
  3. Don't be any letter of LGBT.

I hope this helps. If you can think of any other tips, please let me know.

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