Dear white people,
Halloween is only days away, which means it’s time for my letter to you, imploring that you take serious consideration when choosing your costumes. Most of you are just going to go as David Pumpkins or “sexy” David Pumpkins, but for those of you who want to think outside the box, here are some tips that will make your Halloween as pleasant as possible:
- NO HARAMBE. Just…come on, bro. So played.
- DO YOU NEED BLACK FACE PAINT FOR YOUR COSTUME? ARE YOU GOING AS THE APPLE iPOD SHADOW? THEN YOU DON’T NEED BLACK FACE PAINT FOR THAT COSTUME.
- This goes for brown face paint as well. You’d better damn well be 1987-2009 Michael Jackson. We’ll handle the 1958-1986 Michael Jackson.
- “But what about authenticity of the character? It’s an homage!” Motherfucker, if you and your friends go as the original Ghostbusters, and you are wearing a small afro, we’ll figure out that you’re supposed to be Winston Zeddemore. What you should REALLY be asking yourself is why don’t you have any black friends to pick up the mantel?
- “How do I explain to my kid that he can’t put on brown makeup to flesh out his Mr. T costume?” First of all, how does your dumb kid know who Mr. T is? Are you dressing him for him or for your 1980s nostalgia? Second, I had to learn the hard way about the perils of racism before I was 5 years old. Your kid is overdue for a nice controlled lesson, and that is YOUR fault, Harold.
- AVOID THE BAGS O’ RACISM.
- When you go to the pop-up strip mall Halloween stores, when you get past the “sexy” ironing boards and the officially licensed Disney/Marvel costumes, There are the “south of the border” and the “sexy squaw” and the “yellow fever” costumes. They’re usually mixed bags of multiple cultures who “look alike”. Avoid these bags of racism like the plague. Unless, of course, you’re an oblivious asshole. Harold.
- IF YOUR ANCESTORS TOOK PART IN OCCUPYING/COLONIZING A COUNTRY, DON’T WHERE THE GARB OF THE COLONIZED COUNTRY AS A COSTUME.
- If you are a descendant of The United Kingdom, Portugal, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, Austria, Belgium, the Netherlands, Norway, Brandenburg, Sweden, Russia, Greece, Turkey, Switzerland, or the United States, maybe don’t dress like the people they brought to, or the indigenous peoples of, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, St. Thomas, Barbados, Jamaica, Haiti, Antigua, Dominica, Canada, Mexico, Peru, Panama, Saint Croix, Grenada, Montserrat, Puerto Rico, Tobago, Trinidad, Guadeloupe, Guiana, Brazil, Suriname, Argentina, Chile, Bolivia, Colombia, Paraguay, Panama, Uruguay, Venezuela, Congo, Swaziland, Egypt, Sudan, Cameroon, Somalia, Togo, Madagascar, Gambia, Nigeria, Sierre Leone, South Africa, Ghana, Zimbabwe, Tanzania, Namibia, Benin, Equatorial Guinea, Burkina Faso, Mali, Djibouti, Cote d’Ivoire, Mauritania, Morocco, Tunisia, Rwanda, Burundi, Eritrea, Senegal, Angola, Mombasa, Cape Verde, Mozambique, Liberia, Qatar, Bahrain, Iraq, Oman, Palestine, Lebanon, Yemen, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Georgia, India, Pakistan, Myanmar, Bangladesh, Brunei, Fiji, Singapore, Tonga, Hong Kong, Samoa, Borneo, China, Indochina, Vietnam, Japan, Laos, Taiwan, or the Philippines….man, your ancestors were busy as fuck.
- You CAN still dress as the indigenous folk of Antarctica, because fuck penguins. However, if your friend says he’s from Antarctica and dresses as a Polar Bear, he’s racist as fuck. Polar bears are in the ARCTIC, Harold.
- DON’T DRESS LIKE A DOMESTICALLY VIOLENT SEXUAL PREDATOR
- Your Bill Cosby with a jigger, Ray Rice, Ben Roethlisberger, Woody Allen with an Asian doll, Donald Trump grabbing a cat, etc. costumes are fucking stupid.
- DON’T SLUT SHAME THE SEXY COSTUMES
- America’s absurd ability to sexualize ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING comes to fruition on Halloween. I lost all chill when I saw a “sexy Elmo” costume. Why? Just…Why????? However, I think Americans take sex too seriously at times, which leads to things taboo that are not and things excessive shaming of people who don’t deserve it. Treat Halloween like “Straight Pride Day”. Who cares if your Batwoman costume is just a black corset and bat pasties? Ignore the shamers, and do whatever the hell you like…but NO SEXY HITLER. Please refer to Tips 2, 3, and 4.
Hopefully, this will help you have a good night. If you don’t heed my advice, and someone leads a bar-wide chant of, “FUCK THIS DUDE”, while pointing at your busted costume until you leave, or if someone throws their beer in your face, please don’t get too mad. I’ll claim I have a nervous twitch. If you have any questions, my door is open. I’ll be dressed as Samuel L. Jackson this year, as with every year. If you come up to someone dressed as Morpheus, not only will I not help you, I will flip you off for not knowing your black people. We don’t all look alike. Harold.
Your Friends of Color
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