Friday, June 26, 2009

Gregor the Disgruntled

This Chronicle of Nonsense may not be funny, but it should be told, for it is a tale of Gregor the Disgruntled, a gentleman and a scholar…ok, he is neither of these, but he was at least a good worker, and he is in the band of Squires who deserves recognition.

Squire Bugiganga met Gregor the Disgruntled during his first week in the workshop. He hardly ever saw him, because he was always traveling to far off lands. Regardless, Gregor was a hard-working Squire. ShaqsDad the Destroyer would always tell him, “Man! You’re killing me! This is all wrong!” This is ShaqsDad’s favourite phrase when he does not understand the logic of one of his squire’s work. Therefore, if it is logical, we shall hear, “You’re killing me!” followed by a trail of expletives. Gregor heard ShaqsDad’s cantor more than any of us. Beside that, Gregor the Disgruntled traveled more than any of the other Squires.

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, you must travel to the Land of the Inbred Orcs! Their castles’ aqueducts are clogged.

GREGOR: Why spend all that gold on travel when I can send them directions via griffin?

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, you’re killing me! Just go!

Gregor: [Grumbles]

SHAQSDAD: Gregor, trek to Valley of the Self-Combusting Goat-Monsters!

GREGOR: But I just returned from the Isle of the Cannibalistic Rat People yesterday. Valley of the Self-Combusting Goat-Monsters is a little bit dangerous, and I can solve there problem remotely for much less gold. If I go, we’d have to hire a band of chimeras for security. Besides, I’ve not seen my daughter in three weeks!

SHAQSDAD: AUGH! Gregor, you’re killing me! You shouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place!

GREGOR: Actually, it was my wife who got pregnant…

SHAQSDAD: TO THE RAT PEOPLE ISLE WITH YOU! Your flying carriage has been booked already.

GREGOR: [Grumbles]

One day, Gregor was informed that he would have to go to many far off lands on a whirlwind tour. He’d have to go to the Isle of Pot-Smoking Vampire Giraffes, the Land of the Gorilla-Eating Pirates, the Mount of the Technicolour Sodomising Yeti, and New Jersey. Many vaccinations were required, especially for New Jersey, and he would not see his home land for many weeks. He endured the trip, but many times, we’d hear ShaqsDad in his quarters, talking to Gregor, saying his favourite phrase: “Gregor, you’re killing me!” So we knew Gregor was doing a good job.

When Gregor returned this week, and said something in private to ShaqsDad that made him silent for two days: Gregor is leaving the Kingdom of Harris to greener pastures far off to the South. He shall not travel, and he she see his family daily. Many wonder why Gregor would leave the Kingdom of Harris, but the Squires believe it is because he grew tired of having his logical and economically sound ideas be impeded by the phrase “Gregor, you’re killing me!”, especially when, much to the dismay of some, the purveyor of the phrase was definitely not dying…either that, or that final trip to New Jersey was the final straw [Shudder].

Regardless, the Squires pay homage to Squire Gregor the Disgruntled, and hopes the next kingdom for which he works will be much more pleasant.

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