I’m worried, Woody. There’s an Aryan Golem on the loose.
There’s a pale Golem running around, terrorizing the country! Have you not looked at the news?
Wait…Are you saying “golem”, like the Hebrew giant made of clay, or “Gollum”, like the pale, creepy, ring obsessed troll looking dude from Lord of the Rings?
The former. It’s big and pasty, it always looks like it’s trying to keep itself together, and it tries to disguise itself as a human by putting a dead fox on its head.
…Hold on…I think you’re talking about Donald Trump. That’s just a guy. He’s running for president. In fact, I think you described him as a Golem before. You’re the political commentator. You should know this!
Yes, that’s what it calls itself! And I know I called it a golem before, forged in the veiled racism of certain news outlets and feeding off the attention it gets from everyone, but I was joking before. I’m serious now! It’s wreaking havoc across the land, and it keeps getting stronger!
Well…that may be true, but he’s still just a guy. A very rich and powerful guy.
No way, dude. It’s totally an Aryan Golem.
[Sigh] Ok, I’ll bite. Why is he an Aryan Golem? Why not just a Golem?
Because it has hordes of straight white men following it and encouraging it to attack everyone who isn’t a straight white man!
That’s just his strategy. He knows how to stir people up.
Just strategy? It called for killing people’s families, reinstating torture, and expelling Muslims and Mexicans from the country! It’s an advocate of spousal rape! And I haven’t seen any of its ex-wives. I’ll bet you it ate them.
Yeah, that’s pretty bad. Especially the wife-eating. But I don’t think he can do anything that he says he will do. Except maybe the wife-eating.
I don’t know, Woody. Its roar is dangerous. It makes a lot of the women it encounters very uncomfortable. It hurls insults at them like an internet comment thread!
That is true, but I still don’t think It…he…is an Aryan Golem.
What about all the times its handlers assaulted black people at its rallies? A woman was roughed up just yesterday, and one person had its coat taken away, and it encouraged all this!
That’s a strategy called “rallying the base”. Stoke their fear and anger, and get them excited to vote. Bernie Sanders does the same thing, but his fans are mostly hippies or too busy making craft cocktails with artisan goat cheese and wood shavings to be violent.
But its base is nearly all white and male. It yells and screams at anyone else.
Well, what about all those black pastors who endorse him?
We kicked them out years ago, during the last Race Olympics. We get got Sam Smith and Jon Hamm, and you got the homophobic pastors and Stacey Dash.
Oh, god…Why would we make a trade like that?
You were drunk.
Anyway, It got endorsed by David Duke, A known white supremacist. You know what? I’ll bet he had something to do with its rise…
Well, he eventually disavowed that.
After denying it knew who he was 3 times, which was a lie, since it talked about David Duke as early as the year 2000! It also said it didn’t want to make any hasty judgments about Duke’s, even though it was quick to promote banning Muslims and hate for Mexicans.
That’s true, but I think it’s a little bit hasty to call Trump an Aryan Golem. He’s not a politician by trade, so he doesn’t know how to sound polished and all in front of the camera.
Well, how about the fact that it has been expelling black people from its rallies, often beating them, even if they weren’t protesting?
Whoa…I didn’t know about that.
What about the white supremacist journalist, James Edwards? It gave him VIP press box access to and interviewed one of its spawn.
Yeah, and he thought it was ok for Japanese citizens to be interned during World War II.
He called for the death penalty for the Central Park 5, that group of black teens who were convicted of a horrible sex crime, but then were exonerated because THEY NEVER DID IT. You know what he said when they were released?
Did he say, “I wish them well, and I hope they can forgive the public?”
NO! He said it was a disgrace that they were suing the city for taking away 40 years of freedom from them.
I was afraid of that.
You should be afraid! The Golem is loose, and it can no longer be contained! Built from the sludge and mud of vitriol and subversive hate, with every birther movement it spearheads and every false crime statistic it tweets, it gets stronger! With every racist group that backs it, with every sludge of islamophobia and homophobia that is packed onto its orange, pasty body, the Aryan Golem gains momentum! It will not stop until it gains the title of “president”! That is all it seeks!
So…The Presidency is kind of its one ring? It’s his, “Precious”, if you will?
Hmm…Maybe you should have used the OTHER Gollum for analogy.
Well, I would have, but Gollum still has a good side, Smiegel, and I doubt he has a good side all. Besides, I REALLY wanted to use Smaug, but Stephen King already used a dragon analogy to describe him.
Ah, foiled by Stephen King again. First your one-man play about a carnivorous clown, now this.
I know. I think the only consolation is if we commiserate with slices of your mom’s delicious raspberry pie.
[CALMLY AND SOFTLY] You’re not getting my damn pie, Thompson.
[EVERYONE SOMBERLY CHANTS] We want pie. We want pie.
We’ll be back after this. With no pie.