I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at wayofm.org, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the MixCloud.com page for archived shows.
In this episode, I resolve the laws regarding who gets to use what bathroom. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.
CHRIS: Woody, I’m sure you’ve heard about the gender/bathroom laws getting propped up in state legislatures everywhere, and the pushback from everyone from private citizens to corporations.
WOODY: But Chris, I thought corporations ARE citizens. [Winky face]
CHRIS: [DEADPAN] Do NOT go there.
WOODY: Sorry. Go on.
CHRIS: It’s just getting out of hand. There are people making ridiculous false claims. A woman paraded through a Target with her children yelling at the top of her lungs that their bathrooms were full of perverts and sodomites. Just since 2016, hundred of sexual assault cases have been reported!
WOODY: You’re saying transgender people have assaults hundreds of people in bathrooms since 2016?
CHRIS: No, Woody! Are you a monster??? I was talking about cis men, and not necessarily in bathrooms! A girl was choked to unconsciousness by a man in a bathroom last week! He wasn’t wearing a dress, though.
WOODY: So how are these gender laws helping anything?
CHRIS: THey’re not. In fact more transgender people get assaulted in bathrooms, in the street, and sometimes in line waiting to order fries. But there are no reports in the United States of any transgender, or even people claiming to be transgender, assaulting anyone in any bathrooms, or anywhere else. There’s one report in Canada, and that one has very shaky credibility. There ARE a lot of reports of cis-straight men assaulting everyone from children to women to HORSES.
WOODY: Horses?!?! But I thought bestiality was a staple of the anti-LGBT “slippery slope argument!
CHRIS: It is. And that’s part of the reason why I came up with a few solutions to enforce this law easily, and keep everyone safe. Malcolm and I are actually wearing my first proposal. Malcolm, let’s stand.
WOODY: WHat’s up with that codpiece? Wait; is that- WHAT THE HELL, MAN!
CHRIS: Aw, you don’t like this? These are open-face pants. There have been a number of cis people who were harassed and assaulted because ignorant customers thought they were of the different gender of the bathroom they were using.
JON LAURIN: With these Breezy Flow™ Open Face Pants, there is no need to question anyone’s gender as they go to the bathroom, because you can see!
WOODY: But Chris, what about people who have had sex change operations? The most of the laws say you must be the gender stated on your birth certificate. Also, can you sit down now?
CHRIS: Woody, no problem! Breezy Flow™ Open-Face pants have an extra large pocket on the side, so that you can carry short- or long-form birth certificates and medical records with you. You’ll be prepared for the extra scrutinous bathroom-goer!
WOODY: Then why not just have the pocket? And really, would it not be easier to just wear a tunic or a kilt? And WILL YOU TWO PLEASE STOP SWINGING YOUR HIPS AROUND? It’s...distracting…
CHRIS: We gotta move to the music, Woody!
[Quickly quipping] WOODY: But there’s no music playing.
CHRIS: I thought about that, but how embarassing would it be to lift a kilt every time you have to go? You might get mistaken for a flasher!
[Quickly quipping] WOODY: But you’d you’d have to lift to go anyway.
CHRIS: But that’s a private affair! And that is why Kara is modelling the Breezy Flow™ Window to the-
CHRIS: Oh sweet! You guys know the name already.
WOODY: How did you get Kara to put on a skirt with a giant window to see her-
JON: Is that a bunny holding a musket? Very impressive!
KARA: Thanks! I get creative with the razor sometimes.
WOODY: WILL YOU ALL JUST SIT DOWN AND STOP SWINGING YOUR HIPS? I get it!
KARA: We can’t just NOT dance to the music, Woody!
WOODY: But there’s not any music playing…
CHRIS: So the pants are only Phase One.
WOODY: Oh, dear lord. I’m scared to ask.
CHRIS: Don’t be! This phase is all about love. I’m going to start a dating service. I’ll call it Love Law.
WOODY: OK...Is it for the victims of the laws?
CHRIS: No! It will be for all of the lawmakers, lobbyists, citizens who adamantly supported and promoted this law. They’ll be able to look each other up and match up. And they’ll know which gender their match is, because they’ll have to wear the Open Face pants or the Window to the Whoa in their primary profile. Because everyone hates a surprise!
WOODY: But wouldn’t they get together and have children and indoctrinate them in the same trains of thought that got us here in the first place??
CHRIS: Don’t worry, they won’t procreate. They will have to match the same gender.
WOODY: I’m so lost…
CHRIS: See, Since the early 2000s numerous studies have determined that the people who are the most anti-LGBT turn out to harbor homosexual inclinations themselves, but they repress them and lash out because of their upbringing that admonished it. Why do you think all of these super anti-gay people keep getting caught doing super gay stuff? Heck, even Strom Thurmond, the face of racial segregation, had a black mistress at one point.
WOODY: This could be disastrous. How would they admit it in public?
CHRIS: Well, they’re already trolling Grindr and Tinder for dudes. This is even more out in the open, because with these new open face pants, they’ll see each other’s-
WOODY: I GET IT! WILL YOU JUST PLEASE SIT DOWN!
CHRIS: Heh...The point is, these guys all just need a little bit of loving. Love conquers all! They’ll calm down and not worry about other people’s business.
WOODY: But Chris, They say that the bathroom law was to protect women and children from sexual predators.
ALL: [LAUGHING HEARTILY]
JON: Woody, come on. They used the same excuse for racial segregation. Hell, they used it for separating bathrooms by gender in the first place!
KARA: And besides, some of the people who claimed “protection of women and children” also said in the next breath that THEY would dress up as women to get into bathrooms and locker rooms. THEY are potential sexual predators themselves!
CHRIS: They don’t care about women or children’s safety! If they did, they wouldn’t stop calling them welfare queens and moochers and re-open healthcare clinics and job counseling centers and schools.
WOODY: What if they are so in denial that they refuse to use the site?
CHRIS: That’s what Phase 3 is for. It’s a small tweak to the current bills on the books. We will allow trans people, cis-women, and children to use all of the facilities they wish to, cis-men, however, cannot.
WOODY: Ohhh...like only cis-gendered men would need to show their proof of being male before using the facilities? That kind of explains the pants. As horrifying as they are.
CHRIS: Nope. I mean no cis-men can pee. Ever again.
WOODY: Wow, that’s rough! No men’s public bathrooms anywhere? I don’t think that will fly.
CHRIS: No. I mean no men can pee. ANYWHERE. The vast majority of perpetrators of violence in bathrooms are cis-men. The vast majority of perpetrators of violence against trans people is cis-men. And Kara, how many times have you been in public, and the women’s line wrapped down the hall while the men’s room was virtually free?
KARA: Too many to count, Chris.
CHRIS: See? And it’s not like we treat public bathrooms well. THere are too many stalls that look like the Trainspotting bathroom! Besides, Men will go pretty much anywhere! So much so that Germans are painting their building walls with a special paint that will bounce liquid right back onto you if you relieve yourself on it. So it’s time we relinquish our urinary patriarchy and not pee, anywhere.
WOODY: But we’d all go into septic shock!
CHRIS: It’s a small price to pay.
JON: Don’t I know it! (God, this hurts)...
WOODY: Wait, do you two have to go to the bathroom?
CHRIS: Yes, but we won’t.
WOODY: Is that why you two have been girating your hips all this time? Are you just doing the pee-pee dance.
JON: No! Don’t be silly! We just love to dance!...But we have been holding it since Saturday.
WOODY: But Kara, you’re a woman!...As we can now all see. Why are you girating.
KARA: Solidarity, Woody. Besides, this song is great.
WOODY: THere’s not even a song playing. But maybe I should put on some Creedance Clearwater Revival.
CHRIS: I know what you’re doing. It’s not gonna work!
JON: It’s kind of working…
CHRIS: Be strong Jon!
WOODY: I’ve also got some Led Zeppelin. Maybe I’ll play “When the Levee Breaks”
JON: Not cool, Woody!
WOODY: Oh, I know! “Waterfalls” by TLC! That’s my favorite!
JON: I CAN’T TAKE IT! I GOTTA GO! GET OUT OF MY WAY! [Fake runs to the door]
CHRIS: You’re weak, Laurin! You hear me? WEAK! Um...I gotta go...do something!
WOODY: Well, that was the Chronicles of Nonsense. Oh...and I think we’re going to need some Lysol and a mop in the hallway...