Wednesday, June 22, 2016

#WookieLivesMatter: Star Wars Synopsis, Episode VII


Good news and bad news abound: The Empire is crushed, but it is reborn as the First Order, which is basically the Space Stasi with laser guns. The New Republic is about as useless as a debate about gun control in the US. They are funding a Resistance against the First Order. Princess Leia isn’t a princess anymore; she’s a motherfucking General, so take that, space glass ceiling. She stayed with Han Solo, but they split, probably because she found out that he shot first. Also, their son is kind of a dick. He went to Jedi training, and then became Emo Vader. Also, his light saber is a burning cross, so he’s probably racist AF. Nobody knows where the hell Luke Skywalker is.
Poe Dameron goes to the Planet Arizona with his sidekick buddy Beach Ball R2D2 to get info about Luke’s location. Emo Vader and his space Stasi follow and captures Poe, but Beach Ball R2D2 escapes with the information, which is NOTHING like when Leia put info in Trash Can R2D2 before he escaped. Emo Vader then has his stormtroopers to go Tulsa Massacre on the village Poe visits. One stormtrooper, FN-2187, decides this is the time to be a conscientious objector and doesn’t fire his weapon. He takes off his helmet, and you realize he’s black, and that is when we hear the sound of a million racist nerd angrections exploding over social media.
On another part of Planet Arizona, We find Rey scavenging for scrap metal to sell, and she finds Beach Ball R2-D2. Now they’re buddies all of a sudden.
On the orbiting Space Stasi ship, Emo Vader tortures Poe, which is NOTHING like when Leia was tortured in Episode IV. FN-2187 rescues Poe from capture, which DEFINITELY isn’t like when Luke rescued Leia in a stormtrooper costume. FN-2187 and Poe steal a TIE fighter and promptly crash it into the Planet Arizona, but not before getting the nickname “Finn”. Finn assumes that Poe is dead, so he’s totally OK with wearing his jacket. He runs into Rey and Beach Ball R2-D2, and they are chased by the First Order. They hotwire the Millennium Falcon that just HAPPENS to be in a junkyard and escape. This TOTALLY doesn’t look like time in Episode !V when Luke, Ben, Han, Chewie, and the droids escaped the Empire forces on Planet Morocco.
The Millennium Falcon gets caught in a tractor beam by a larger ship, which is NOTHING like…well…you know. It’s Han Solo and Chewbacca! The ship gets invaded by Asian bounty hunters, and the good guys all escape, but not before Han shoots first again. The bounty hunters who survived call Emo Vader and tell him about Beach Ball R2-D2 and the Falcon. This is where we find out that Emo Vader is lives on the planet weapon StarKiller, which is DEFINITELY not the Death Star on Steroids.
The Falcon crew escape to the Planet Yellowstone National Park, where there’s a space pub. Han acknowledges that he raised a dickhead of a kid. Rey finds Luke’s lightsaber that just happens to be there. It triggers a Shining, but they don’t call it a Shining, because of copyright infringement. She freaks out and runs into the woods, and nobody stopped her, because I guess the Planet Yellowstone doesn’t have bears.
On Starkiller, General Weasley, Supreme Leader Smeagel, and Emo Vader decide they have to blow up some stuff, since they have a Death Star on Steroids. They blow up the capital of the Republic, which is NOTHING like when the Death Star blew up Alderaan in Episode IV. They attack Planet Yellowstone, but the team is saved by some Republic fighters, except for Rey, who’s still in the woods. She gets caught by Emo Vader.
The Republic fighters garrison at their base on Planet Definitely Not Endor. Finn learns that Poe is alive, as is a little sexual tension. Leia and Han Solo have some sexual tension, but they already had sex. C3PO and R2D2 are together again, but R2D2 is not #wokeAF. Everyone knows that Emo Vader is going to fire on Definitely Not Endor, so they make a plan to destroy Starkiller, but there’s no 3 square meter hole in which to shoot and destroy it, so they have to get crafty. Finn goes to rescue Rey, but she rescued her damn self. Everyone puts Space C4 all over the main Starkiller engine. Han confronts Emo Vader, and Emo Vader runs him through with his Klan saber, which is NOTHING like when Darth Potato killed Obi-Wan in Episode IV. Chewbacca set of the C4 charges, and now it’s a race to get off Starkiller. Emo Vader fights Finn and Rey in the woods. They win, but they don’t kill him, because he probably has two more movies on his contract. The Millennium Falcon picks up Finn and Rey, and everybody celebrates the destruction of Starkiller, except for Leia, Rey and Chewbacca. Leia gives Rey a big hug, but she doesn’t give Chewbacca a hug, even though Chewbacca has known Han more than anyone. First, she doesn’t give him a medal, now she doesn’t hug him when his best friend died. We really need to look into whether Leia Organa is racist against wookies.
After the hugfest sans Chewie, Beach Ball R2D2 is near Trash Can R2D2, and all of a sudden Trash Can R2D2 gets #wokeAF. The two of them project an entire map, and they figure out where Luke Skywalker is. Rey goes solo to the Planet Scottish Highlands to find Luke Skywalker pretending to be Bear Grylls, She hands him the light saber, and the credits roll.
The whole story is DEFINITELY not Episode IV, but with brown people and women in it. It’s much better, because there are brown people and women in it.
Chewbacca is still short one medal and one hug.


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