Monday, June 27, 2016

@Almost_Tuesday Archive: 05/02: Are You There God? It's Us Jerks

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at wayofm.org, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the MixCloud.com page for archived shows.
In this episode, I gloss over Woody's mortality. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.
WOODY: I always look forward to the Chronicles of Nonsense, and I miss it when you have to miss a night! I’m excited for what you have in store today. What fun political commentary do you have for us today?
CHRIS: Sadly, I don’t have any pithy insights today. I want to address one specific individual: God.
WOODY: Um...What???
CHRIS: You heard me! I want to talk directly to God. I know you hear me! Let’s talk this out!
WOODY: Why don’t you do this in the privacy of your own home? You, like praying and stuff?
CHRIS: No, Woody. This needs to be public. God needs hear me, and all the people who agree with me.
WOODY: OK...I respect your belief, and if you want to publicly talk to God, I won’t stop you. But I just don’t think a variety show on a non-religious radio station is a good place to to do it- [CHRIS INTERRUPTS]
CHRIS: WE GET IT GOD! WE’LL BE GOOD! PLEASE, I BEG YOU TO STOP PUNISHING US! Sorry Woody. This is happening. Like now. It needs to.
WOODY: Whoa...wait. Aren’t you an agnostic Jew? I thought you were iffy about the power of prayer!
CHRIS: Things change Woody. We’re in dire times. And technically this isn’t a prayer. This is an open letter. GOD? DO YOU HEAR ME? WE’LL STOP BEING BAD! WE’LL BE BETTER! I PROMISE! PLEASE, I BEG YOU, ALL-FATHER! ALL...MOTHER? Oh man, I may have just offended God even more.
WOODY: Chris, What are you talking about? This is out of hand, even for you! And I’ve seen you in a kilt!
CHRIS: We have angered the All-Knowing, Woody! Isn’t it obvious? Just this year, we lost David Bowie, Zaha Hadid, Alan Rickman, Chyna, Phife Dawg, Merle Haggard, and last Thursday, we lost Prince! David Bowie was the white version of Prince! And Prince was the black version of David Bowie! That’s why they were hardly ever seen together. Their collective musical energy would destroy a block!
WOODY: So you’re saying all of these people were taken because of something we did?
CHRIS: It has to be something, Woody! I guarantee it was something Americans did! We’re always cutting up. GOD, WE’LL LET REFUGEES INTO THE COUNTRY NOW! WE’LL STOP GIVING AIR TIME SUPER RICH PEOPLE WITH TOUPEES! PLEASE, JUST LET US KEEP BETTY WHITE FOR ANOTHER FEW YEARS!
WOODY: I don’t think this is a good way to go about this…
CHRIS: Shh! Woody, He (or she) will hear you! DON’T MIND HIM, OH GREAT ALL-MOTHER! HE’S BEEN SICK! I PROMISE WE’LL BE GOOD! I’LL PERSONALLY BAKE ALL GAY WEDDING CAKES! TRANS LIVES MATTER! THEY SHOULD PEE WHERE THEY WANT!
MALE GOD VOICE & FEMALE GOD VOICE SIMULTANEOUSLY, CALMLY: We hear you, and we will answer.
WOODY: WHOA! Is that…
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Yes. It is the All-Mother
MALE GOD VOICE: And the All-Father.
FEMALE GOD VOICE & MALE GOD VOICE: I AM ONE.
MALE GOD VOICE: I have heard the words of the Thompson, and I shall answer.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Many sins have been executed in my name. Repentance must occur before I forgive.
CHRIS: Yes! Anything you want, I’ll do it! WHat were our sins, and I’ll rectify them
WOODY: I don’t even know what’s happening anymore…
FEMALE GOD VOICE: The world has done too many acts in my name. I grow tired of the callousness of politicians, of wealthy businessmen who publicly lie and do not acknowledge it.
MALE GOD VOICE: I grow tired of people killing in my name, and other people denying refuge to those who escape the killing by invoking my name.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: You humans have used my name to justify beating, separating, and killing your fellow humans for too long. Such atrocities cannot go unpunished.
MALE GOD VOICE: THis is why I am taking all of your best human beings. David Bowie, Phife Dawg, Merle Haggard, Alan Rickman, and now Prince. If you cannot play nice, I will take away all of your humans.
CHRIS: I know! I’m so sorry, God! We’ll stop doing such terrible things! What would you like me to do? I’ll bake a cake for a gay wedding! I’ll quit my job and join the Peace Corps! Do you want me to sacrifice Woody?
WOODY: Wait, what?
MALE GOD VOICE: The Battaglia is not necessary.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Although one cannot have enough comedians.
CHRIS: Are you sure? Because he’s right there. You can just take him with you.
WOODY: How did that become an option!?!?
MALE GOD VOICE: No need to take the Battaglia before his time.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: I Will see him soon enough.
WOODY: “Soon enough”? Is that, like a year? A decade?...
CHRIS: OK, I’ll do whatever you say, Holiest One.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Such formal titles are not necessary. I create a universe, one primordial stardust at a time, just like everyone else.
MALE GOD VOICE: Just call me “Terry”.
CHRIS: OK...um...Terry. What must I do?
WOODY: You haven’t said when “soon” is yet...Can I at least get a hint?...
FEMALE GOD VOICE: You must stop doxing women because they have an independent thought. Stop denying basic human rights to people because they are different.
MALE GOD VOICE: When you disagree with someone, you cannot simply say that they are idiots and threaten their lives. Respect their humanity.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: All of the anti-gay, anti-Muslim, and anti-everything must stop.
MALE GOD VOICE: I did not even write that book from whence you derive these hateful ideas. It was written by a group of hundreds of men, over hundreds of years.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Besides, I was drunk during most of that time. Lots of practical jokes.
CHRIS: That explains Job and Abraham...
WOODY: I don’t think Chris does any of those things, though...
CHRIS: True, but plenty of people do.
WOODY: But why should you carry the burden of jerks who do things like that? Also, about that “soon” comment...
FEMALE GOD VOICE & MALE GOD VOICE: SILENCE!
MALE GOD VOICE: The onus is on all of you. All of humanity suffers when a few act out.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: The world could be much better with just a hint of compassion. Because if you wish not to feel my wrath, you must not only act like humans. You must act better than humans.
WOODY: I’m glad we got that all cleared up...so can we get back to that “soon” comment?
CHRIS: We will do everything we can, Terry.
MALE GOD VOICE: Do more. Stevie Wonder is still around. So is Bettie White.
CHRIS: You can take Taylor Swift if you like.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Taylor Swift was not my doing.
CHRIS: I KNEW it! Well like I said, I’ll do the best I can. All of us will. Thank you for answering my call.
FEMALE GOD VOICE: Well I like the show, anyway. Farwell
MALE GOD VOICE: And I will see you soon, Woody.

WOODY: WHAT DOES SOON MEAN???

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