Monday, June 27, 2016

@Almost_Tuesday Archives: 06/13: 20 Minutes of Punishment

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at wayofm.org, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the MixCloud.com page for archived shows.
In this episode, I even out the penal code in light of the Brock Turner rape sentence. Read on and listen on at your pleasure.

WOODY: So glad Chris is in the studio with us. WHat are we going to talk about tod-[ABRUPT SMACKING SOUND]
WOODY: OW! WHat the hell, Kara!
CHRIS: What, are you blind? Kara just hit you with a blackjack.
KARA: I always wanted to do that.
WOODY: That’s assault, Kara! I’m calling the police!
CHRIS: No bother. I have have an officer in the studio right now. Take it away, officer.
OFC. JOHNSON: Hi, I’m Officer Filma Johnson.
WOODY: Wait, what did you say your name was? [SMACK SOUND]
WOODY: STOP HITTING ME, KARA! Officer, arrest her! You just witnessed her assaulting me with a weapon!
OFC. JOHNSON: I did. That’s five seconds in time-out for you, young lady.
WOODY: WHAT!
CHRIS: It’s the new sentencing guidelines, Woody. Remember the judge in the Stanford rape case? He angered a LOT of people with his light sentence for Brock Turner. And what influenced that is likely the letters from Turner’s family and friends.
OFC. JOHNSON: That’s right. So across the land, we’re going to make things fair. The penal code is going to make all crimes treated the same way.
WOODY: This does not sound good at all…
OFC. JOHNSON: Yup. The father said that the 3 months of jail that Turner is going to get is not fair for “20 minutes of action”.
CHRIS: So the rules are changing. We’re going by a “time to punishment” scale. If 20 minutes of a violent crime is too much, then the half second it took for Kara to hit you with a deadly weapon doesn’t deserve 5 years in jail. 5 seconds will do. You should look outside the station. It looks like the Purge out there!
WOODY: But she could have severely hurt me! I could get a concussion!
OFC. JOHNSON: I know, but jail time would have a severe impact on her.
WOODY: THAT’S THE POINT OF JAIL! How is a five second time-out going to resolve anything? [SMACK]
OW! Will you please stop it, Kara!
KARA: Nope. It’s kind of fun.
WOODY: Officer, will you please do something?
OFC. JOHNSON: Fine...You’re under arrest, Woody.
WOODY: Wait, WHAT!
CHRIS: Yes. Turner’s grandparents wrote that he was the only one being held accountable for the crime.
WOODY: HE WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING A CRIME! Getting drunk and passing out is not a crime! That’s an unfortunate rookie mistake.
CHRIS: True, but you were directly in the path of Kara’s black jack. You have to take responsibility for that.
WOODY: SHE WAS TRYING TO HIT ME! [SMACK] STOP HITTING ME!
OFC. JOHNSON: I think I smell a little beer on his breath. How do you expect Kara to NOT hit you when you’re drunk?
WOODY: You’re smelling Listerine, and that is still not a good reason to hit me!
CHRIS: Well, I mean, your head is right there, you’re a little tipsy...how do we not know you actually WANTED to get hit with a blackjack?
WOODY: Because it’s a blackjack! Wait, Kara...what’s that in your hand?
KARA: Ninja Star!
WOODY: AHHHHH! Why would you throw that in the studio? You just sliced off my pinky finger! I’m bleeding everywhere!
CHRIS: Oh man, I agree. Kara, that took you about 5 seconds to throw that! You’re going to get some serious time for that.
OFC. JOHNSON: That’s right. You’re getting 20 minutes in the office basement. 10 minutes if you’re on good behavior.
WOODY: But I’m permanently scarred! How does a 20-minute sentence make up for the lifetime of pain I now have to endure?
CHRIS: Oh, Woody. You have 9 more fingers to use. Stop being so politically correct. It’s just like Officer Filma said, Don’t you realize that a longer sentence would have a severe impact on her?
WOODY: I’m missing a finger! I’ll never have that finger again! And Kara gets 20 minutes in a room for that?
OFC. JOHNSON: Look, Woody. You just have to accept that this is the world we live in now. We’ve been ignoring sexual assault cases so much that DNA evidence is backlogged for years in some counties. It’s almost a sad punchline. We didn’t take it seriously before, so why not treat all crimes like this and save a lot of time and money?
WOODY: Wouldn’t it make more sense to take more action on sexual assault? [SMACK] OW! And, Chris, why haven’t you been partaking in the abuse?
[OFC. JOHNSON, KARA, and CHRIS ALL PAUSE AND LAUGH]
CHRIS: There’s no way I could get away with the same types of crime! I’m black and not rich!
OFC. JOHNSON: Ha! Yeah. I’d have to arrest him and put him UNDER the jail.
WOODY: (Oh, I hate you guys so much)...Well, I’m cutting this Chronicles of Nonsense short. I’m dizzy...I need to go to an emergency room to see if they can re-attach my finger.
KARA: Whoo! Ninja Star!
WOODY: STOP THROWING NINJA STARS!

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