Hey Great Britain,
How you been? Honestly, I know. You went all “Shaven Britney Spears with a baseball bat” on your relationship with Europe! Everybody's like daaaaamn! Was the EU really holding you down like that? Why didn't you call us? We hooked you up in WWI. And WW2. And the Falklands. We got you all those nuclear weapons. But I get it; it's hard to call an estranged child, especially when we emancipated from you.
So...when are you going to be upfront about your breakup with EUROPE? Don't give me that “EU has too many controlling regulations” bit. Next to Germany, you had more control over what EU did than anyone! You wouldn't even take EU’s money! Good for you with that, “I don't need nobody's cash flow”, attitude, but do you not see the irony in complaining about control issues when you invaded/occupied every corner of the earth except, like, 20 countries? You occupied Antarctica! It's just penguins and whales down there! Nearly the entire world has to learn English as a secondary language for business because of you.
Were you worried about security? Do you remember that time in the last paragraph when I reminded you that you invaded every part of the world except 20 countries? Yeah, those were good times. Also, shut the hell up! You're still helping us occupy places we have no business being! People should be scared of YOU! Most of the “extremists” arising right now are directly because of our actions in their homelands! It sure as hell isn’t right what they are doing, but let’s finally take some responsibility in creating our own C4 golems!
Was it the cost of membership? I know that EU was having you pay net £8.5 billion, but did you figure out how much in tariffs you’d have to pay now that you’re out? You probably didn’t. And you’re not going to be able to get a payday loan from anyone for that cost!
THe main grips I here are overcrowding, immigration, lack of public resources, and lack of assimilation. It is as if people are unnerved by the amount of immigrants coming into the country. Most Europeans have been travelling to the UK for years though. It can’t be...the brown immigrants?!?!?!!! Did you white flight the EU? Are you nervous about all of the refugees from the Middle East? DO you not realize that they are there, again, partially because of OUR actions? I saw the “Take Our Country Back” Signs. EVERYBODY knows that is dog whistle for, “Get rid of all these niggers and wetbacks” (US translation). You ain’t slick, GB! You feel like you’re being “invaded” by people from countries that you once invaded! You didn’t even have to feel that way! Most of the immigrants who came to your country to start a new life just want to live theirs in peace. And stop acting like immigration by the countries you once attacked or colonized haven’t BEEN migrating to UK since before you hooked up with EU. Curry is a staple in UK cuisine, but there aren’t any curry plants native to the Scottish Highlands! Where do you think it came from? Are you worried they’re going to do to you what you’ve done to them? Don’t worry. I’m sure no one from Calcutta is going to Hottentot Venus a school marm in Sheffield. I can’t believe you got so shook, GB! You realize Jo Cox died at the hands of a right wing Neo-nazi extremist because of your fear and rhetoric, right? Now you’re divorcing from the EU, so her death was in vain.
Even after we separated from you, we always looked up to you, GB. We thought you had you shite together. We emulate you all the time! We invade countries without permission, we try to force a type of government on people whether it works for them or not, we try to pretend that the bad things we did didn’t happen to glorify our public image, but now I’m nervous...what if we decide to make a wreckless decision come OUR election day? You pre-Trumped us! At this rate, we’ll vote in Trump, and the two of us will have the first pre-adolescent death matches up and running by December!
I hope you reconcile your differences with EU soon, GB. I hope you’ll have a healthy working friendship. I doubt they’ll ever want you back, though. Just know, if you need to call someone, we’ll be here to listen, since we like following your lead anyway.